Repulsive Ads

I haven't decided which is the worst commercial during March Madness - (1) pregnant nacho ball or (2) Howie Long having an educated conversation with a six year-old about SUVs?

You be the judge:
Taco Bell
vs.
Chevy Traverse

Your vote counts.
Yes we can...change the face of sports marketing.

P.S. I saw a woman tonight at my neighborhood bar and she looked really familiar. I realized I had e-mailed her through match.com and never received a reply from her. I wanted to go up to her and ask, "So what's the deal? Was it my profile or my pictures that gave you the impression I'm not worth your time? Just tell me. Is it because you're not into amazingly handsome guys or you're just not into having witty conversations and spontaneous adventures with someone like me? Well, if you change your mind, just send me an e-mail...and I will delete it immediately. Again, I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. By the way, you looked better online. Toodles."

P.S.2: I did not say those things, but I wish I had. "Laterz" can be substituted for "Toodles."

Friday Is My Saturday Again

Headed to Trader Joe's today, stopped at the library to pick up a few holds, made a deposit at the bank. Did some dishes. A pretty full day.
Not to mention two cups of tea while perusing a few books and a magazine.
I was thinking: What if my solitary life was in plain view of the public? It would probably change my behavior.
I would probably dress better and keep my apartment a bit tidier. I might sing and talk to myself less.
I'm not talking about a webcam. I'm referring to the possibility that someone could be peering into my window at any time. It would be relatively boring, because no one comes over to my studio and the only drama is "Battlestar Galactica" on my television.

In Milan, Italy, a professional soccer player named Andrea Vasa experiences this sort of public scrutiny. He lives in a Belgian fashion design gallery and visitors can witness firsthand the luxury lifestyle of an athlete, as contrived as it might be. They can look right into the large windows of his all-expenses paid living quarters, whether he's shaving, sleeping in, or eating cereal (what do Italians eat for breakfast?).
I don't understand why there is a Porsche 911 parked in his living room. I think most footballers would prefer to drive the car - not use it create a natural balance in their living spaces a la Feung Shui.

The Contenders

I've done a little research on the No.2 seed vs. No. 3 seed games in the NCAA tournament this week, and I've made my predictions. I should have crunched these numbers before I picked my bracket. By my calculations, the Big East Conference continues its run:

Tomorrow's match-ups:

#2 Duke

Starters' experience: 3 Jr, 1 Soph, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 39.4

Points per game: 78.0
Free throw percentage: 72.3%

2009 record: 30-6

All-time NCAA tournament record: 86-29

VERSUS

#3 Villanova

Starters' experience: 3 Sr, 2 Jr

Rebounds per game: 41.1

Points per game: 76.5
Free throw percentage: 74.2%

2009 record: 28-7

All-time NCAA tournament record: 44-29
Edge: Wildcats - better shooters from the perimeter, the line, and overall; 'Nova has been to Sweet Sixteen 4 out of the last 5 years

#2 Memphis

Starters' experience: 2 Sr, 2 Jr, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 42.7

Points per game: 74.1
Free throw percentage: 69.6%

2009 record: 33-3

All-time NCAA tournament record: 30-21

VERSUS

#3 Missouri

Starters' experience: 3 Sr, 2 Jr

Rebounds per game: 39.5

Points per game: 81.1
Free throw percentage: 66.8%

2009 record: 30-6

All-time NCAA tournament record: 18-21

Edge: Memphis - wins battle of the Tigers due to size and defensive toughness; Memphis has more wins in the last four years (137) than any team in history

Friday's match-ups:

#2 Oklahoma

Starters' experience: 2 Sr, 1 Jr, 1 Soph, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 42.0

Points per game: 79.2
Free throw percentage: 68.1%

2009 record: 29-5

All-time NCAA tournament record: 32-25

VERSUS

#3 Syracuse

Starters' experience: 3 Jr, 2 Soph

Rebounds per game: 43.5

Points per game: 81.1
Free throw percentage: 63.9%

2009 record: 28-9

All-time NCAA tournament record: 48-31
Edge: Orange - Onuaku and Jackson will have their hands full guarding the Griffin brothers, but the Sooners' guards will be overmatched; Boeheim gets win No. 800

#2 Michigan State

Starters' experience: 2 Sr, 1 Jr, 1 Soph, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 42.1

Points per game: 71.9
Free throw percentage: 68.6%

2009 record: 28-6

All-time NCAA tournament record: 43-21

VERSUS

#3 Kansas

Starters' experience: 1 Jr, 2 Soph, 2 Fr

Rebounds per game: 41.7

Points per game: 77.1
Free throw percentage: 72.8%

2009 record: 27-7

All-time NCAA tournament record: 82-36
Edge: Spartans - more experience and they won their last meeting against the Jayhawks 75-62; Cole Aldrich will not get a triple double in this game

More Of My Mortal Foes

Here's a look at the bottom half of the leaderboard in my NCAA pool (continued from yesterday). Every player on here is less threatening than the skim milk I put on my cereal this morning. The date on the carton said March 14th, but it smelled okay to me. I didn't suffer any stomach aches, and I don't expect any of these people's picks to bother me much.
As you can see, there are three players vying for the coveted title of "Best Michael."
Fact: Two out of three Michaels agree that Connecticut will make the Final Four.

The 8th Annual Player's Club Invitational Cellar Dwellers:

David Copperfield

Featured in: David Copperfield

Author: Charles Dickens

True Identity: Steve Jr. - Copperfield is an appropriate choice, as every year is filled with Dickensian despair, and he is left scarred by his hardships (like the oppressive beatings of the Murdstones and the death of his sweet wife Dora)

Hari Seldon

Featured in: Foundation series

Author: Isaac Asimov

True Identity: Michael the Older - Despite his extensive psychohistorical studies at Streeling on the planet of Trantor, his feeble mind is unable to make basic predictions, and thus cannot be considered a being with sentinent intelligence

Pat Conroy

Featured in: My Losing Season

Author: Pat Conroy (The Prince of Tides, The Great Santini, etc.)

True Identity: Dad (Jim) - Finished a respectable 2nd place last year, but the title of Conroy's memoir, My Losing Season, writes its own punchline

Pennywise

Featured in: It

Author: Stephen King

True Identity: Brock - I said this about the crazy clown last year and it appears he's a genius (just a few years early): "trapped in a delusional mindset where Louisville and Pittsburgh advancing to the Final Four seems like a foregone conclusion"

Philip Marlowe

Featured in: The Big Sleep, The Long Goodbye, Farewell, My Lovely, etc.

Author: Raymond Chandler

True Identity: Brian - Marlowe once said, "She'd make for a jazzy week-end, but she'd be wearing for a steady diet" - he was talking about a dame, and the same can be said for Showcase's bracket

Nancy Drew

Featured in: The Secret of the Old Clock, The Clue of the Velvet Mask, The Clue of the Broken Locket, etc.

Author: Carolyn Keene

True Identity: Mom (Nancy) - Always asking for a magnifying glass to read things and constantly concerned about her hair - that's why I usually go to Scooby-Doo and the Hardy Boys if I want to solve a mystery

The Game

Featured in: The Game

Author: Neil Strauss

True Identity: The New Michael - This noted pick-up artist has successfully navigated out of the friend zone, but is still clueless when it comes to hoops - desparately needs a wingman to explain the basics (preferably not David Faustino)

Tyler Durden

Featured in: Fight Club

Author: Chuck Palahniuk

True Identity: Me - "I want you to hit me as hard as you can!!!"

Scarlett

Featured in: Gone With The Wind

Author: Margaret Mitchell

True Identity: Aunt Pat - Scarlett's last words are certainly applicable - "After all, tomorrow is another day!" - sadly, the South will not rise again

Superfudge

Featured in: Superfudge

Author: Judy Blume

True Identity: I'm guessing this is Matthew Bowman - I prefer that he change his name to Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

Jack London Simpson

Featured in: (wrote The Call of the Wild, White Fang, The Sea Wolf, etc.)

Author: Jack London

True Identity: Jack - He's old enough to have witnessed the Alaskan Gold Rush, but his gold-panning skills are subpar, at best

Lady Catherine de Bourgh

Featured in: Pride and Prejudice

Author: Jane Austen

True Identity: Alison - lastly, Alison, poor Alison, whose misfortunes are caused by her haughty and cross behavior - when will she learn that her social standing does not allow her to do anything she pleases?

Analysis of the No.2-No. 3 matchups in the next day or so...
(Photo: A sunburnt Willie Nelson)

A Rundown Of My Arch Enemies

For three weeks, I'm in bitter competition with family and friends. I know deep down that I'm more intelligent than most of these people. But the only way to prove myself is with an automated NCAA tournament bracket. At the end of each week, I can point at the standings and say, "Look at how many points I have versus you. I'm smarter than you. I'm a better person because of this number. Deal with it."
This is not one of those weeks. I cannot boast and brag about being in 20th place (out of 24 people). My mother, my father, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my best friends have all surpassed my score.
All hope is not lost. My Final Four picks are strong. My opponents are weak. In the long run, I will prevail.
I will now introduce this year's batch of hopefuls (in order of total points). Each one of them has chosen a literary character or author to define their personalities. Surely none of them can defeat a battle-hardened alter ego like Tyler Durden (myself):

Charlotte A. Cavatica

Featured in: Charlotte's Web

Author: E.B. White

True Identity: Sue Bowman - such a beautiful web she is weaving, as fragile as it may be

Chip Hilton

Featured in: Home Run Feud, Triple Threat Trouble, Tournament Crisis, etc.

Author: Clair Bee

True Identity: Bill Bowman (not to be confused with the absent Uncle Bill) - last year's champion may think he's a Backcourt Ace capable of a Buzzer Basket, but is he Hoop Crazy enough to get the Championship Ball a second time?

Tom Sawyer

Featured in: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Tom Sawyer Abroad, etc.

Author: Mark Twain

True Identity: Steve Sr. - has a perfect West region bracket so far - if anything goes wrong, he will be forced to whitewash a fence as punishment, and he is absolutely forbidden to hang out with that troublesome Huck Finn

Trixie Belden

Featured in: The Secret of the Unseen Treasure, The Mystery of the Midnight Marauder, etc.

Author: Julie Campbell and several ghostwriters under the pseudonym Kathryn Kenny

True Identity: Tina - one of the greatest mysteries is: Why didn't she pick a character from the Twilight series? I know...it's hard to decide who's dreamier - Edward, Jasper or Jacob?

Arthur Boo Radley

Featured in: To Kill A Mockingbird

Author: Harper Lee

True Identity: Peter - champion in 2006 and 2007 who is both a neighborhood recluse and a gentle soul with a bad haircut

Edgar Sawtelle

Featured in: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle

Author: David Wroblewski

True Identity: Kim - Arizonian who chose the most obscure book reference (even though it is in Oprah's Book Club) and most unlikely Elite 8 pick, Arizona State

Jason Bourne

Featured in: The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, Legacy, etc.

Author: Robert Ludlum; Eric Van Lustbader recently took over the series for the late author

True Identity: Michael the Younger - perennial Cameron Crazy - maybe Coach K is riding on the momentum of Team USA's gold medal win all the way to a NCAA championship? Doubtful.

Queequeg

Featured in: Moby Dick

Author: Herman Melville

True Identity: Tom - is not covered head to toe in tribal tattoos like his persona, but he's an accomplished harpooneer (3rd place last year)

(going) Commando

Featured in: This is a movie. The player neglected to change his profile name from last year's '80s theme.

Author: Arnold Schwarzenegger

True Identity: Ron - the only doctor participating in this year's pool (no Vinay) and the only person to pick Kansas to repeat

Don Quixote's Fighting Windmills

Featured in: Don Quixote

Author: Miguel de Cervantes

True Identity: Charles - much like a delusional, idealistic knight; where is his squire to lead him on the straight and narrow path? (squire = brain)

Jack Duluoz

Featured in: On The Road, Vanity of Duluoz, Desolation Angels, etc.

Author: Jack Kerouac

True Identity: Robert - insurance underwriter by day, beat poet by night, and 100% Dharma Bum (4th place finisher last year)

Santiago

Featured in: The Old Man and the Sea

Author: Ernest Hemingway

True Identity: Rick - like Santiago, my brother has yet to catch the big fish - every year, his prize marlin is destroyed by sharks

Most of this research was done during today's shift at the library. This information is pertinent to my job - being familiar with what the public is reading and providing suggestions. That is my rationalization, anyway.
Tomorrow's post will discuss the rest of the field.
(Photo: historically accurate depiction of Norse Viking that inhabits the Cleveland State campus)

Tournament Saturation

Three straight days of watching television, drinking beer, and eating pork products - that's what NCAA tournament time means in my little corner of the world. I headed forty miles up the road to Seattle to hang out at Charles' place and watch the basketball games on CBS. We took breaks to go to the grocery store, play video games and to go to a rock concert (Devon's band - Skeletons With Flesh On Them). Most of the time, though, my butt was parked safely on the couch. I'm a little discouraged about my bracket picks, because everyone else in the tourney pool is making smart picks. Usually, there's a few people who go out on a limb and choose really absurd Final Four teams. However, at the end of the second round, everyone's predicted champion is active and playing in the Sweet Sixteen.
Here is how the champion picks are distributed among the pool competitors:
Louisville (6), Pittsburgh (4), Duke (4), North Carolina (3), Memphis (3), Connecticut (2), Kansas (1), Oklahoma (1)

Given all of the participants' early success, maybe I shouldn't spend too much time selecting a charity (the proceeds are going to an charitable organization of the victor's choice). How do I decide who would most benefit from $340? Dogs? Poor people? The arts? A church? A school? A polluted area? There are so many needy people, animals and places...and I'm just thinking about regional causes. Personally, I'm leaning toward helping kids and pets. It's only natural to try to protect the cute and vulnerable. I'm narrowing it down to either a youth after school program or an animal shelter in my area. What are your suggestions?

(Photo courtesy of Charles - this weekend's liquid intake for four people. It's important to stay hydrated during the Madness.)

It Takes Two, Baby

This year, an unprecedented three teams from the Big East Conference became No. 1 seeds in the NCAA tournament (Louisville, Pittsburgh, and UConn). With seven total conference teams in the mix, chances are relatively good that there will be a Big East final in Detroit on April 6th. Despite the high probability that a Big East team will win the championship, a computer has come out and said that North Carolina will go all the way. Listen, I'm not an expert on the mathematics of probability, but I think this computer model is poppycock.
I prefer a simpler view of things. For example, I've noticed that things come in pairs:

• 2 teams from Maryland in the NCAA tournament - University of Maryland and Morgan State (Ohio leads all states with 5 teams - Xavier, Akron, Ohio State, Dayton and Cleveland State)
  
• 2 Griffin brothers (the 6'10 Blake and 6'7 Taylor average over 30 points and 20 rebounds per game for the Oklahoma Sooners)
• 2 schools that are also dead people (Revolutionary War patriot Robert Morris and Texas land-grabber Stephen F. Austin)
  
• 2 Vikings teams (Cleveland State and Portland State)
  
• 2 mascots fighting in March (Big Blue vs. Pistol Pete - reminding me of the fight below between Eli the Eagle and Jawz the Jaguar last year)

What do all of these doubles mean? When added together, the pairs equal the number 10. Which leads me to believe that a No. 10 seed will win in the first round. A No. 10 seed from the Big Ten, to be precise. There are TWO No. 10 seeds from the Big Ten (Michigan and Minnesota), but only one of them granted degrees to a pair of noted outlaws, the Unabomber and Dr. Jack Kevorkian. So I'm giving the nod to Michigan.
See how my math works? It's easy.

By the way, I am sincerely distraught that there is only one Hansbrough brother in the tournament this year. Since Ben transferred from Mississippi State to Notre Dame, he finds himself in the NIT. Tyler is somewhere sitting on a couch in Greensboro, and is feeling so alone. So dreadfully alone. Mi-mi!

Job Interview

At 1 pm today, I had an interview for a permanent position at a local library.
I'm currently a substitute - sort of like an on-call doctor, except I don't work with needles and I don't have to explain blood tests. Sometimes I do have to break bad news to patrons, such as, "I'm sorry, there's no easy way for me to say this...but your fines are going to prevent you from checking out materials at this time," or the equally painful statement, "We don't take credit or debit cards." My job isn't always easy, but it has its rewarding moments. Like seeing a person's eyes light up when I pull out an available copy of "Twilight" from behind the counter. Or seeing a patron react with glee when I say, "Yes, we do have the third season of 'Weeds.'" Alternatively, I also find joy in the answers people provide on written library card applications. In regards to the question, "How did you find about the library's services?" there are a variety of responses: "common knowledge," "I like to read," "my sister has one," and "heard it was free."
Those are just some of the reasons I enjoy being a librarian, and why I'd like a full-time job in my library system. Benefits are nice, too.

During the interview, I was asked a lot of situational questions. My mind, however, was on something else. Here are a few highlights of my conversation with the managing librarian and branch supervisor.

Supervisor: Tell me about a time when you had to rely on others to complete a project.
Me: March 28, 1992. East Regional Finals. With 2.1 seconds left, we were tied at 98. I had to get the ball into the hands of one of my teammates at the other end of the court. I lobbed it over the defenders and Christian caught the ball. He dribbled the ball, turned around and heaved it up towards the basket. Nothing but net, and all the sudden, I was on the ground hugging Bobby Hurley. We went on to the Final Four and a National Championship. I went on to make Sprite commercials.

Supervisor: What are some of the efforts you make to develop your professional skills? Give me three specific examples.
Me: The first key is defense around the perimeter - contesting the three for the full forty minutes. Need to put pressure on their offense to make extra passes and don't give their shooters any open looks. Their guards are dangerous, and we need to contain them as much as possible. Second, we need to hit the boards on both ends. Rebounding defensively and offensively will create scoring opportunities. The final key is poise. There is a lot of bad blood between these teams, and we need to stay composed and focused. That means staying out of foul trouble and sticking with our game plan.

Managing Librarian: If a parent expressed frustration that his or her eight year-old child has unrestricted access to library materials (such as checking out R-rated movies), how would you explain/defend the library's policy?
Me:

May The Cat Eat You And The Devil Eat The Cat

I'm going to Doyle's Public House tomorrow night (with my brand spankin' new Tacoma friends!!). The bar is about a block away from apartment building. Doyle means "Dark/Evil Foreigner" in Gaelic, and was attributed to Danish Vikings who settled in Ireland over 1,000 years ago. Doyle's has a huge white tent in its parking lot, and until today, there was an inflated Guinness glass (about 30 feet tall). The glass wobbled in the wind all yesterday and was pelted by rain and hail. Maybe it finally gave into the elements, but I'd like to think that someone drank it.

The other bar options in town are Paddy Coyne's or O'Malley's. Coyne translates to "Wild Goose," whereas Malley is interpreted as "Prince." So...if I have to decide between a dark stranger, a wild goose, and a prince - who do I choose?
There's a joke there somewhere...

I had considered writing this entire post in Gaelic, but the free Rosetta Stone learning program is taking too long to install on my computer. I'll just wear green, drink Guiness, and perfect a few sayings. I just have to make sure I don't come off as an Irish poser.

Tuesday's games of interests:
Morehead State vs. Alabama State (play-in game for the NCAA Tournament)
Notre Dame vs. UAB (first round of the NIT) - the Fighting Irish against the green Blazers

Other Forms of Madness

Finally it's Selection Sunday. At 3 pm PT today, Americans will begin their intense study of the NCAA brackets. Some people, like my mom, will fill it out in a matter of minutes. Other people, like my friend Brian, will fill it out several times before games start on Thursday (and still be agonizing about how far he took Butler or Xavier). Once first round action begins, our focus increases (not that we're actively doing anything). We want to know immediately how game scores will affect our bracket picks. We're a nation of spectators, and we sometimes get so swept up in the drama that we ignore our work and personal responsibilities. I think this is a good thing. It's harmless escapism, and it's a form of reality television that does not include annoying celebrities or people trying to become celebrities. For most fans, it's an obsession that lasts only three weeks. At the end of the tournament, a college team is crowned - as well as thousands upon thousands of office pool competitors, who can share in the glory and revel in their "one shining moment," receiving validation from friends and family.

However, I am concerned when "March Madness" goes beyond the realm of college basketball. The springtime sports craze has become so popular, the term has been attached to other promotions and sales. Some are irritating, some are strange, some are great, and some are just desperate attempts. Here's a few examples:

• The Parkland Auto Center (near one of the libraries I frequent) has declared that "Military Madness" is upon us during the month of March. Discounts on new and used models for military personnel (E-1 and above). This marketing effort would not be complete without the huge inflated blue gorilla standing outside the car lot. With an American flag on his chest, he raises his red boxing gloves in triumph over his head.
• On Etsy, the online marketplace for handmade goods, there are March Madness sales for UNC dog collars and USC fringe purses. This is my favorite item.
  
• Car commercials featuring Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski (Remember these words? “In leadership, no word is more important than trust. You can trust Chevy, the brand more Americans choose.”)
• The website "Go Fug Yourself" has created brackets for the worst dressed celebrities. The top seeds are Tilda Swinton, Solange, Aubrey O'Day, and Mischa Barton. The best part is: you the people (arbiters of good taste) get to compare outfits and vote on the most hideous wardrobes.
  

I'm sure there are other examples of people latching onto the hype of March Madness. Let me know if you come across some unique promotions.
(Photo courtesy of the Big Ten Network's Big Ten Pets).

Motor City Madness

The semifinals and championship game are taking place in Motown this year. Another tournament finale on a football field (Ford Field), where half of the spectators can barely see the court. If I was paying several hundred dollars to watch college basketball, I would like to be able to read the numbers on the players' jerseys, or at least be able to discern a point guard from a center.

This is not a concern for the NCAA. The standard business procedure is to find the biggest stadium in a major metropolitan area, and pack it as full as possible. Lemme see, cotton candy will be $6, and if you're lucky, you might see Jon Kitna or Mateen Cleeves in the crowd. The voice of CBS commentator Jim Nance over the loudspeakers (which can be heard from your home television) is worth half the price of admission. And don't forget about the cost of confetti these days. Shredded paper is at a premium - almost equal to gold. Excuse me if I ignore the bottom line for one second, but I would like to see the Final Four, a BASKETBALL tournament, played in a BASKETBALL arena. Fans should not have to bring binoculars in order to read the scoreboard or watch a Christian Laettner highlight at halftime.

I'm sorry. I really truly love March Madness. Maybe this is just rage carried over from the college football season, where the BCS system is flawed, but impervious to change. I just have to question how college athletics differs from professional sports (besides player endorsements and availability of beer at venues).
Let me start over. I just have to remind myself that 64 teams in a single-elimination playoff format is about as good as it gets.

"Oh My God, the Final Four is in Detroit this year!
The Detroit Lions sure have a fantastic home - an atmosphere that must inspire a spirit of winning in its players. Even if I wasn't in town for the Final Four, there's plenty to do in Wayne County! First, a trip to the decaying automotive plants. Then maybe a peek at the Diego Rivera mural at the Detroit Institute of Arts. Did I mention cars? Miles and miles of cars? Can't leave without a visit to the Walter P. Chrysler Museum, to see how the LeBaron has evolved over the years. Or why not take my tax refund check to the Detroit MGM Grand, and feed tokens into the 'Big Bass Bucks' machine? Last but not least, I could drive by the childhood home of Kid Rock or see where '8 Mile' was filmed.
Man, Motown's got it all!
If I don't get a chance to see it the Final Four this time, I'll definitely see it next year in Indianapolis or the following year in Houston! Two world class cities in their own right!"

Did that sound genuine?
Okay, I live in Tacoma. Maybe I should lay off Detroit a little.

The Backup Plans

(A new band name)

Did you ever wonder what you would be watching if March Madness did not exist?
Though they may pale in comparison, there are actually some pretty good sporting events in the coming weeks:

• World Baseball Classic - USA is making a good run at the championship this year. The Americans have to contend with the 51st state (Puerto Rico), Cuba, defending champion Japan, and a surprise Netherlands team, led by Sidney Ponson and Eugene Kingsale.
• UEFA Champions League - The best soccer teams are clashing for world dominance. Today's match-ups included Manchester United-Inter Milan and Arsenal-Roma. Italy's squads came up empty-handed in the first knockout round. Quarterfinals don't start until April, but there's plenty of action to follow in the Premiership, as Chelsea and Liverpool try to close the gap with Man U. A good way to keep on the hottest metrosexual hairstyles, including fauxhawks and blonde highlights (not sure what's going on here between goalkeeper Manuel Alumnia and opposing striker Francesco Totti).
  
• Six Nations Championship - This one's a bit of a stretch, unless you're a die-hard rugby fan. England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, France, and Italy start squaring off this weekend.
• Dubai World Cup - The globe's richest horse race (on March 28th) features the frontrunners for the Kentucky Derby.
  
• St. Patrick's Day - Not an athletic competition persay, but requires an amazing display of endurance and fortitude. Guiness is a lot like Gatorade, with no electrolytes.
  

Cinematic Derivatives

I'll let you in on a little secret.
I know who's going to win the NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Championship.

You know how you can pretty much guess the Oscar winners based on the Golden Globe Awards? Well, I've determined what college team will take the crown based on the Oscar results.
I'll share with you how I came to this conclusion. It may seem like an unreliable method, but it works every year. Just try to follow my logic.

So...
This year's Best Picture was "Slumdog Millionaire," directed by Danny Boyle.
Danny Boyle also directed "Trainspotting," which starred Ewan McGregor.
McGregor co-starred with Hayden Christensen in "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones."
Christensen is romantically linked with Rachel Bilson 0f the television series "The OC."
Bilson had a cameo in the NBC drama "Chuck," which features actor Ryan McPartlin.
McPartlin was awarded a letter on the University of Illinois football team in 1994.
That same year, Tony Gwynn led the MLB with a .394 batting average.
During his rookie year, Gwynn batted second in the Padres lineup, right before first baseman Steve Garvey.
Steve Garvey played third base for the Michigan State University in 1968...

Which leads me to believe the Spartans will win it all in 2009.
MSU is ranked #6 in the nation and is led by coaching genius Tom Izzo, who has 330 career wins and 12 NCAA Tournament appearances. Also of note: The center for the Spartans is named Goran, which is Greek for "blood harvester," otherwise known as a "vampire."

Non-Bubble Teams

And so my blog continues its round-the-clock coverage of March Madness. As a result, I might have lost one or two readers.

So far, nine teams have clinched a spot in the Big Dance by winning conference tournaments. Tonight, we welcomed Gonzaga, VCU, Chattanooga, and the Siena Saints to the fray. There are 22 more automatic bids, and 34 at-large bids available.

If you're upset your team is not going to make it, like me (quack quack), just be glad you're not a fan of the following schools.

• Southeast Missouri State - The Redhawks finished winless in conference play. Their last victory was on December 21st vs. the Western Illinois Leathernecks (9-20).
• Air Force - The Falcons might want to think about relocating to the Patriot League, where they could face off against fellow struggling military schools Army and Navy. Not a good sign when you lose to Wofford and Stony Brook in the same season.
• DePaul - The Big East is tough, and the Blue Demons have proven it. DePaul lost their last 18 games by an average of 16 points per game. Technically they're still alive - if they could string together 5 wins.

Speaking of the Big East, the conference could send as many as eight teams to the NCAA tournament. Seven teams are locks, and Providence has a good chance of slipping into the mix. Three of these teams are vying for No. 1 seeds - Pittsburgh, UConn and Louisville. High expectations, for sure. Over the past ten years, here's what's happened to the Big East Tournament Champions when they get to the Dance:

2008 - Pittsburgh - lost to Michigan State in second round
2007 - Georgetown - lost to Ohio State in Final Four
2006 - Syracuse - lost to Texas A&M in first round
2005 - Syracuse - lost to Vermont in first round
2004 - UConn - Champion, beat Georgia Tech
2003 - Pittsburgh - lost to Marquette in the Sweet Sixteen
2002 - UConn - lost to Maryland (Champion) in the Elite Eight
2001 - Boston College - lost to USC in the second round
2000 - St. John's - lost to Gonzaga in second round
1999 - UConn - Champion, beat Duke
*Not sure what to extract from this information, except that UConn's Jim Calhoun is a good coach.

One word of advice that has nothing to do with brackets: Be careful with your Facebook. Your employer may be watching.
"Private eyes are watching you. They see your every move..."

(Photo courtesy of Charles Liotta - his stack of poker chips at the Luxor Hotel and Casino)

One More Reason To Hate Denver

I predicted the downfall of Davidson in the Southern Conference tournament. I just didn't know it would come at the hands of College of Charleston. Now the Davidson Wildcats are in danger of being left out in the cold...and possibly NIT-bound.
Speaking of cold, the Arkansas-Little Rock Trojans (leaders of the Sun Belt Conference) started shooting igloo bricks in the first half.
This is relevant because I bet $10 on the game. The Trojans won the game, but they didn't cover the 5-point spread against Denver. Who knew that the Denver Pioneers (with a 2-12 road record) would come into Arkansas and mount an 11-point halftime lead? Perhaps it was the cherry pie logo that mystified the Trojans.

These are mid-major teams you know nothing about, I suspect. But I don't want to bore you about the Duke-North Carolina rematch. Tyler Hansbrough, aka Beaker, has quieted the Cameron Crazies once again and guaranteed UNC a No. 1 seed in the Big Dance (along with Pittsburgh). Nor should you be excited about Gonzaga steamrolling another conference foe, Santa Clara. Tomorrow, the Zags will blow the St. Mary's Gaels out of the Orleans Arena in Las Vegas, and take the WCC crown.
Next week, we get to the real pizzazz - the tournaments of the Big East, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac-10, and ACC.

For now, let's meditate on Dustin Pedroia's beard. As a member of Team USA in the World Baseball Classic, the second baseman has grown out his facial hair beyond known standards.
I'm sorry I don't have a current picture. In the game against Venezuela tonight, he looked sort of like a werewolf from Kentucky.

USA!! USA!! USA!!

Toothpaste Versus Religion

So far I've cursed two teams' tournament chances by discussing them in my blog. Luckily, they're both from South Carolina.
First, I bestowed praise on the Camels of Campbell University. Second, I called for the Citadel to upset Davidson in the Southern Conference Tournament. Neither team could manage a win in the first round of play. I will not, however, accept blame for the demise of South Carolina-Upstate, because the team didn't even qualify for the conference tournament.

Perhaps I should jinx another region of the country. I'll grab my pocket atlas, close my eyes, open a page at random, and point my finger.
Okay, pointing now...East Timor?
This is a world atlas. Forgive me.
Narrowing down to a few pages.
Okay, let's try it again.
I landed on Ohio. Those poor souls.

I choose the University of Akron. The Zips are currently in 2nd place in the MAC, and led by a couple of big forwards named McKnight and Linhart. Their point guard is named Anthony "Humpty" Hitchens. The student newspaper is called "The Buchtelite." Named after industrialist John Buchtel, who supported wage reductions during the Great Hocking Valley Coal Strike of 1884-1885. I'm not making this up. He exploited coal workers, but he also gave a lot of money to create a college in Akron. So there's that. Anyways, Akron is doing better than a bunch of Ohio schools on the basketball court this year, including conference foes Toledo, Kent State, Bowling Green and Ohio. Now I have doomed the Zips in the Mid-American Tournament (starting on Wednesday).

Off on another tangent now...
Charles called me this morning from the Luxor Hotel sportsbook in Las Vegas. He was looking to me for some advice on betting. I told him a Citadel win was a sure thing (my bad). He bet on Washington State to cover a first half-spread against the Huskies, which didn't happen (never bet on your team, unless you're betting against them). Charles took No. 18 Xavier to cover the spread (-6.5) against Richmond, and the Musketeers lost the game by 5 points (whoops). Fortunately, Charles bet on UTEP and Kansas - which is back on track after its loss to Texas Tech.
This kind of track record might dissuade the normal person from placing future bets, but I say, "No. Go big!" And I think Charles agrees with me. I told him I want to put $10 on Holy Cross against Colgate, no matter the spread. He replied, "Ah yes, toothpaste versus religion." I'll take Christianity over dental hygiene any day of the year.
Although I'm thinking Arkansas-Little Rock is going to destroy Denver. Should I go with my gut?

Stay tuned for more March Madness coverage.

Right Next To The Potatoes And Gravy!

Two strips of bacon and an onion ring. Plus ketchup, mustard and pickles.
They call it the Western Burger.
You wouldn't think that a bowling alley could make a good burger.
The Narrows Plaza Bowl snack area proved me wrong.

I was watching the ninth inning of the USA-Canada baseball game when I sat down at the booth. American J.J. Putz allowed a run to score, bringing Team Canada within one. Man on second, one out.
Stepping up to the counter is Ray. A guy who had decided to conquer baldness by shaving his head completely. Short and stocky and the makings of a goatee. If I had worn his t-shirt, it would have been a futile attempt at irony. In his case, he was promoting a world view that blended Darwinism and 2nd Amendment rights.

"Customer service at the party office."

Above a frolicking deer, a mid-flight duck and an immobile turkey were the words: There's A Place For All God's Creatures...

"Welcome, everyone to the TAP Nine-Pin Tournament. Looks like we have 80 participants so far..."

Beneath the animals - a fork and knife arranged on a red-and-white checkered napkin. The punchline is complete.

"How was your burger?"
"Really good. The onion ring hit the spot." The fries were nice, too. Orange-colored seasoning that reduced the need for dipping in condiments. I crush the ice in my mouth. Putz strikes a Canadian out. Pins fly and sometimes stumble drunkenly on the hardwood. The standing ones cause clenched teeth and quick bodily protests. But really the bowlers are mad at themselves. They entered a tournament where knocking nine pins down qualifies as a strike. It should be easier.
The competitors are wearing custom shirts. I was hoping for shiny garments with ridiculous logos and nicknames. They are nothing but red or blue polo shirts with stitched names. I'm guessing equipment expenses are more important than fashion. Performance over flash. Most of these men are through caring about body image. They realize $1,000 is on the line.
Canadian Jason Bay flies out to right field. American Adam "Big Country" Dunn is celebrating in the dugout.

Next up is the Panama-Puerto Rico game. P.R. has the sweetest sounding outfield in the game: Rios, Beltran, and Bocachica. A law firm with Latin flare.

Why Betting Is A Bad Idea

In order to see why betting on college basketball is tricky, you only need to look at Kansas' schedule this year. Recently, the Jayhawks had two impressive wins over No. 4 Oklahoma (87-78) and No. 15 Missouri (90-65). In the following game, Kansas lost to Texas Tech by 19 points. Keep in mind that Texas Tech is 11th in the Big 12 standings.
Also keep in mind that Texas Tech is a team that lost to Lamar by six points and Stanford (9th in the Pac-10 standings) by 45 points.

These results are a testament to the competitiveness of Division I basketball, and perhaps the rigorous schedules of college teams. The loss to Texas Tech is clearly a letdown after two huge victories. The same kind of thing can happen in the postseason, especially when teams are playing close games on the road.

*A sad note: The Campbell Fighting Camels lost to the Lipscomb Bisons 82-52 in the first round of the Atlantic Sun Tournament.

*A happy note: My good friend Charles will be in Las Vegas to watch the West Coast Conference Tournament. He will provide up-to-the-minute coverage on Gonzaga's quest for the championship. If I know Charles well enough, he will also lose a good deal of money on the poker tables. He always pays to see the river, and that will be his downfall.

Things I Should Have Said

I'm not referring to my love life. That's a whole other subject. I could probably fill an entire post on voicemail messages I've left for women.

This pertains to work. Today, I was working at the library and held back from offering suggestions to patrons. I did not want to come off as being a wiseguy, because they were fairly obvious solutions. I tried to be an active listener and stop myself from saying, "You're kidding me, right?"

Situation #1: An elderly woman calls the library and wants to know about an infomercial she saw on television yesterday morning. The product was called a "kettlebell" and she told me there was a a friendly couple demonstrating how to use one on a local channel (KONG). She doesn't have internet access at home, so she wanted to know if I could find out more about it.

Response: I did a Google search of "kettlebell" products online. I was astounded by the number of different brands and training videos, including KettleWorx, Kettlenetics, and Dragon Door (for your information, a kettlebell is an iron weight shaped like a cannonball with a handle, possibly of Russian origin; one of the websites said "Who trains with kettlebells? Hard comrades of all persuasions"). I was unable to identify the specific product, even after I tried searching on the tv channel website and tvguide.com. I ended up giving her the contact number for the tv station.

What I should have said: "The phone number - was it not flashing on the screen during the entire commercial? Do you own a pen and a piece of paper? If so, place them next to your armchair recliner. So next time you see an ad for a remarkable product like the Magic Bullet or the Bedazzler, you will be prepared. Act now! Supplies are limited. This is a one-time suggestion."

Situation #2: A man is on the waiting list to use a computer. I called his name three times, and then crossed him off the list because he was nowhere to be found. Fifteen minutes later, he comes to me and tells me he didn't hear his name called. He is wearing headphones that are blaring music so loudly that I can identify the music group. I told him that I called for him several times. He tells me that I should call his name louder next time.

Response: "Ok, sir."

What I should have said: "Sir, the air is made up of molecules. When I move my vocal chords and mouth, a sound wave propagates through the air molecules. Your ears transform the energy of a sound wave into nerve impulses, which are sent to the brain. If your ears are trying to interpret sound waves with higher decibel levels, this may cause interference. Certain sounds may, in fact, be inaudible. That's why it's harder to hear what people are saying when you have headphones on."

Must Be A Typo

Last night I looked at the score of the Gonzaga game. It read Gonzaga 90, USCU 40. A 50-point win? That can't be right.
Turns out that a 43-16 halftime lead was not a comfortable margin for the Bulldogs. In the second half, the Zags thought they should extend their lead over the South Carolina Upstate Spartans. Gonzaga made over 47% of their shots and held a 18-2 advantage in steals. Ouch.

To bring you up to date, SC-Upstate is a conference rival of the Campbell Fighting Camels, my new favorite team. So I have no sympathy for the Spartans. The school name makes me a cringe a little, too. I understand the problem with the label "Northern South Carolina," but there's got to be a more creative solution. Boreal South Carolina? This area of the Carolina Piedmont is so rich with history and character - there has to be a better descriptor than "Upstate."

For starters, Spartanburg is home to the Beacon Drive-In. Established in 1946, this restaurant serves dishes like the Chili Cheese-A-Plenty, the Sliced Pork-A-Plenty, and the Pig's Dinner. The Beacon is the largest single seller of iced tea in the country - amazing!
Spartanburg is close to Hollywild Animal Park, which features a Safari Outback Ride for visitors. Actual text from the website:
"It's great fun to spot the hidden babies in the woods while being surrounded by dozens of animals..."
"While on Safari, be sure to look for “Tank” Hollywild’s famous Rhino… you’ll recognize him from the current ZICAM commercials."
And finally, who can forget the Battle of Cowpens in 1781 (which occurred a little farther upstate)?
In conclusion, I've come up with a school name that epitomizes the region and its culture - the South Carolina-Beaconwild Cowpenneers.

Throughout this fascinating discussion of a unique urban area in the Blue Ridge Mountains, I neglected to tell you that Gonzaga has won 16 out of its last 17 games and holds a perfect conference record of 14-0. Can you guess the team that beat the Zags in that stretch? It's none other than the Memphis Tigers, who are undefeated in Conference USA play (15-0). So are their conferences extremely weak or are these teams flawless? You make the call.

Upset Alert!

The Camel is calling it.
Last year's tourney darling Davidson will fall in the Southern Conference Tournament.

A team in Charleston, South Carolina is on the rise. You might have heard of it. In 1995, there was a controversy over allowing a female to enroll in the school. In 1980, a graduate named Pat Conroy wrote a fictional story about the harsh treatment of military school recruits called "The Lords of Discipline." He wasn't exactly a popular man on campus. Now, in a weird turn of events, Conroy's cousin Ed is head coach of the men's basketball team...and they're doing surprisingly well. After a 6-24 record (1-19 conference) in 2008, the CITADEL BULLDOGS are 20-11. They've won 12 out of their last 13 games, including an 18-point win over Davidson two weeks ago. The Bulldogs are the No. 2 seed in the SoCon tournament. This is kind of a big deal, because the Citadel has never made it to the Division I NCAA basketball tournament. Since Division I was established in 1948, only four other teams have been without a tournament appearance (Army, Northwestern, William and Mary, and St. Francis).

Then again, Stephen Curry has demonstrated his ability to score 40+ points a handful of times, and single-handedly propel his Wildcats to victory.

The New York Times has an interesting article about the Citadel's basketball program and author Pat Conroy's triumphant return to campus. The Bulldogs take the court this weekend in Chattanooga after a first-round bye in the SoCon.

"Citadel had a Bulldog, with short and grizzly hair
Carolina had a Gamecock, now wouldn't that make a pair?
When they get together, there's bound to be a scrap.
Just watch that Citadel Bulldog wipe the Gamecock off the map!"

Cinderella's Cousin, A Few Times Removed

A lot of talk is wasted on the teams fighting for the No. 1 seeds in the NCAA basketball tournament, like North Carolina, Pittsburgh, Connecticut, and Oklahoma. We all know they'll get matched up against schools of relative obscurity in the first round.
Quick test:
1. What's the mascot of Belmont University?
2. Who is Morgan State's leading scorer?
3. What state does Robert Morris hail from?
(the college, not the person)

The No. 16 seeds are just happy to get on a plane and play against the most talented amateur players in the country. They might entertain thoughts of sticking in the game for the first half, or making a jumpshot over Hasheem Thabeet. But honestly, the postseason for them was the MEAC or OVC or Big Sky conference tournament and they have no chance of making it to the second round. These small conference teams don't have the skill or size to compete with the powerhouses.
And yet, for every one of the No. 16 seeds, there are dozens of teams that barely miss out on going to the Dance. I'm going to tell you about one of those teams. It's only appropriate that we discuss the Campbell University Fighting Camels.
Situated in Buies Creek, North Carolina, Campbell is a private Baptist college of roughly 9,500 students. Known primarily for its business and management program, its motto is "ad astra per aspera" (to the stars through difficulties). Its men's basketball team plays in the Atlantic Sun Conference and it's currently on a four-game win streak (including victories over conference leaders Jacksonville and East Tennessee State). The Camels are led by junior forward Jonathan Rodriguez, who nets 16 points and 8.3 rebounds per game. On Thursday, the Camels (14-15) are playing in the quarterfinal of the A-Sun tournament at Lipscomb (don't ask me where that is).

Campbell's only NCAA tournament appearance came in 1992, where they lost to No. 1 seed Duke, 82-56. Let's go, Camels! Get back to the Dance! Beat the Bisons!

"Long may your colors wave o'er all others
Sing it to the tune of Hoorah for orange and black"

Answers to quiz:
1. Bruiser the Bruin (listed at 6'5, 220 lbs.)
2. G Reggie Holmes (16.2 ppg)
3. Pennsylvania (15 minutes from Pittsburgh)

18 Days Away

It's getting to be that time again. When I become completely obsessed about basketball. No, not NBA basketball. I gave up on that league a while ago. Had something to do with the Sonics becoming the Thunder, and the decision to make a 7-game playoff series last about three weeks.
The NBA postseason is dull in comparison to the 65-team playoff held every year in Division I basketball. March Madness is the single greatest sporting event of all time (I would consider the World Cup a close second), and I can't wait to over-analyze the tournament brackets (to be released on March 15). Even the conference tournaments leading up to the Big Dance are exciting. In what has become a tradition, I'm taking off a day from work to watch first round games. I also expect that my blog will talk about nothing else but college basketball for the next month.
Well, occasionally I'll throw out an observation on baseball, work or kittens.