Things I Should Have Said

I'm not referring to my love life. That's a whole other subject. I could probably fill an entire post on voicemail messages I've left for women.

This pertains to work. Today, I was working at the library and held back from offering suggestions to patrons. I did not want to come off as being a wiseguy, because they were fairly obvious solutions. I tried to be an active listener and stop myself from saying, "You're kidding me, right?"

Situation #1: An elderly woman calls the library and wants to know about an infomercial she saw on television yesterday morning. The product was called a "kettlebell" and she told me there was a a friendly couple demonstrating how to use one on a local channel (KONG). She doesn't have internet access at home, so she wanted to know if I could find out more about it.

Response: I did a Google search of "kettlebell" products online. I was astounded by the number of different brands and training videos, including KettleWorx, Kettlenetics, and Dragon Door (for your information, a kettlebell is an iron weight shaped like a cannonball with a handle, possibly of Russian origin; one of the websites said "Who trains with kettlebells? Hard comrades of all persuasions"). I was unable to identify the specific product, even after I tried searching on the tv channel website and tvguide.com. I ended up giving her the contact number for the tv station.

What I should have said: "The phone number - was it not flashing on the screen during the entire commercial? Do you own a pen and a piece of paper? If so, place them next to your armchair recliner. So next time you see an ad for a remarkable product like the Magic Bullet or the Bedazzler, you will be prepared. Act now! Supplies are limited. This is a one-time suggestion."

Situation #2: A man is on the waiting list to use a computer. I called his name three times, and then crossed him off the list because he was nowhere to be found. Fifteen minutes later, he comes to me and tells me he didn't hear his name called. He is wearing headphones that are blaring music so loudly that I can identify the music group. I told him that I called for him several times. He tells me that I should call his name louder next time.

Response: "Ok, sir."

What I should have said: "Sir, the air is made up of molecules. When I move my vocal chords and mouth, a sound wave propagates through the air molecules. Your ears transform the energy of a sound wave into nerve impulses, which are sent to the brain. If your ears are trying to interpret sound waves with higher decibel levels, this may cause interference. Certain sounds may, in fact, be inaudible. That's why it's harder to hear what people are saying when you have headphones on."