For three weeks, I'm in bitter competition with family and friends. I know deep down that I'm more intelligent than most of these people. But the only way to prove myself is with an automated NCAA tournament bracket. At the end of each week, I can point at the standings and say, "Look at how many points I have versus you. I'm smarter than you. I'm a better person because of this number. Deal with it."This is not one of those weeks. I cannot boast and brag about being in 20th place (out of 24 people). My mother, my father, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my best friends have all surpassed my score.
All hope is not lost. My Final Four picks are strong. My opponents are weak. In the long run, I will prevail.
I will now introduce this year's batch of hopefuls (in order of total points). Each one of them has chosen a literary character or author to define their personalities. Surely none of them can defeat a battle-hardened alter ego like Tyler Durden (myself):
Charlotte A. Cavatica
Featured in: Charlotte's Web
Author: E.B. White
True Identity: Sue Bowman - such a beautiful web she is weaving, as fragile as it may be
Chip Hilton
Featured in: Home Run Feud, Triple Threat Trouble, Tournament Crisis, etc.
Author: Clair Bee
True Identity: Bill Bowman (not to be confused with the absent Uncle Bill) - last year's champion may think he's a Backcourt Ace capable of a Buzzer Basket, but is he Hoop Crazy enough to get the Championship Ball a second time?
Tom Sawyer
Featured in: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Tom Sawyer Abroad, etc.
Author: Mark Twain
True Identity: Steve Sr. - has a perfect West region bracket so far - if anything goes wrong, he will be forced to whitewash a fence as punishment, and he is absolutely forbidden to hang out with that troublesome Huck Finn
Trixie Belden
Featured in: The Secret of the Unseen Treasure, The Mystery of the Midnight Marauder, etc.
Author: Julie Campbell and several ghostwriters under the pseudonym Kathryn Kenny
True Identity: Tina - one of the greatest mysteries is: Why didn't she pick a character from the Twilight series? I know...it's hard to decide who's dreamier - Edward, Jasper or Jacob?
Arthur Boo Radley
Featured in: To Kill A Mockingbird
Author: Harper Lee
True Identity: Peter - champion in 2006 and 2007 who is both a neighborhood recluse and a gentle soul with a bad haircut
Edgar Sawtelle
Featured in: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle
Author: David Wroblewski
True Identity: Kim - Arizonian who chose the most obscure book reference (even though it is in Oprah's Book Club) and most unlikely Elite 8 pick, Arizona State
Jason Bourne
Featured in: The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, Legacy, etc.
Author: Robert Ludlum; Eric Van Lustbader recently took over the series for the late author
True Identity: Michael the Younger - perennial Cameron Crazy - maybe Coach K is riding on the momentum of Team USA's gold medal win all the way to a NCAA championship? Doubtful.
Queequeg
Featured in: Moby Dick
Author: Herman Melville
True Identity: Tom - is not covered head to toe in tribal tattoos like his persona, but he's an accomplished harpooneer (3rd place last year)
(going) Commando
Featured in: This is a movie. The player neglected to change his profile name from last year's '80s theme.
Author: Arnold Schwarzenegger
True Identity: Ron - the only doctor participating in this year's pool (no Vinay) and the only person to pick Kansas to repeat
Don Quixote's Fighting Windmills
Featured in: Don Quixote
Author: Miguel de Cervantes
True Identity: Charles - much like a delusional, idealistic knight; where is his squire to lead him on the straight and narrow path? (squire = brain)
Jack Duluoz
Featured in: On The Road, Vanity of Duluoz, Desolation Angels, etc.
Author: Jack Kerouac
True Identity: Robert - insurance underwriter by day, beat poet by night, and 100% Dharma Bum (4th place finisher last year)
Santiago
Featured in: The Old Man and the Sea
Author: Ernest Hemingway
True Identity: Rick - like Santiago, my brother has yet to catch the big fish - every year, his prize marlin is destroyed by sharks
Most of this research was done during today's shift at the library. This information is pertinent to my job - being familiar with what the public is reading and providing suggestions. That is my rationalization, anyway.
Tomorrow's post will discuss the rest of the field.
(Photo: historically accurate depiction of Norse Viking that inhabits the Cleveland State campus)
Most of this research was done during today's shift at the library. This information is pertinent to my job - being familiar with what the public is reading and providing suggestions. That is my rationalization, anyway.
Tomorrow's post will discuss the rest of the field.
(Photo: historically accurate depiction of Norse Viking that inhabits the Cleveland State campus)
Despite the lack of the awesome name or literary reference, I'd like to note that I too am an accomplished harpooner.
ReplyDeleteThough, if Brian is the squire entrusted to lead me on a straight and narrow path, I'm in a lot of trouble. I'm all too familiar with every path Brian knows, and none of them are particularly straight, narrow, or pointed in a direction leading anywhere but heartache and ultimate destruction. :p