Laws of the Friendly Skies

During my flight from Milan to JFK International Airport last week, a strange thing occurred. An American Airlines sweater (belonging to a flight attendant) was allegedly stolen by a passenger. Of course, the announcement over the intercom never referred to the act as theft. "If you accidentally picked up the sweater on your way into the cabin, please return the item." Later, as we descended into New York, a stewardess issued a warning over the speakers. She told us that security would be notified and that they would search our bags if the sweater was not recovered. An empty threat and a nice scare tactic at best.

I don't believe the sweater was returned or found, because the flight attendants eyed us suspiciously as we got off the plane. They still said their friendly "goodbye" and "thanks for flying" as we entered the ramp to the gate, but their stares were fixed on our bodies and carry-on luggage - scanning for evidence of stealing, such as a piece of blue fabric sticking clumsily out of a gymbag. It's not clear what happened exactly. If someone had pilfered an airline sweater and had been caught, though, I'm not sure what law applies to that passenger. It was an international flight operated by an American company departing from an Italian destination (where the theft probably occurred), with the person possibly being detained on American soil. As a person with a library degree, I confess I don't know how to go about researching the legal implications of this act. Does this fall under federal law laid down by the FAA, the guidelines of the ICAO (an agency of the U.N.), the rules of the NTSB (another U.S. agency), the jurisdiction of the TSA, or all of the above? Enough bureaucratic acronyms to give anyone a headache.

I did find this story about a man who forced his way past a flight attendant to use a business class lavatory when he got "the runs." The man was sitting in coach and was forbidden by the flight crew from entering the first class cabin, even though a beverage cart was blocking his way to the back bathrooms. At the time, he probably didn't know he was choosing between two options:
(a) crapping his pants and suffering humiliation
or
(b) spending two days in jail.

That's a tough choice. Not the best endorsement for Honduran food.

Holy Roman Empire

While I was roaming Italy this month, several questions crossed my mind. They came up in conversation or contemplation while writing in my journal. Now these mysteries have been solved...sort of.

1. Which is older? The "Popemobile" or the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile?
Mercedes claims to have built the earliest version of the Popemobile in 1930. But the car doesn't resemble the model (that capture the full body view of His Grace behind bulletproof windows) we see today. In fact, bulletproof glass on all four sides was not added until 1981, following an assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II. So it's really a matter of determining when "Popemobile" entered our vernacular. Here are some images of the various Popemobiles over the last 40 years. As for the Weinermobile, Oscar Mayer started using the vehicle in 1936 and it has been redesigned at least six times. Of course, it has its own blog.
(for rappers or lyricists, words that rhyme with popemobile include waterwheel and cochineal)

2. What is the difference between surrealism and dadaism?
This question popped up after a visit to the Vatican Museum, which houses $40 billion worth of art. We all know Salvador Dali was a surrealist, and liked to paint melting clocks. According to several sources, surrealism is an art movement characterized by unexpected juxtaposition and exploring the creative power of the unconscious mind (started in the 1930s). As my friend Allison so aptly put it, "when stuff doesn't make sense." Actually, I think she was describing dadaism. But it's important to know that surrealism was born out of dadaism. Dadaism included art that rebelled against the so-called civilized world and the barbarism of war. It was a response to the horrors of World War I and tried to subvert what was traditionally beautiful. Some examples of Dadaist art included photomontages assembled from magazine ads and illustrations, collages made from pieces of litter, and ordinary items (such as a bicycle wheel mounted to a stool). This was not a Renaissance with pretty oil paintings; it was a hostile reaction to the declining values of mankind and it sought to illuminate the absurdity in the world. Surrealism was more about expressing the perspectives of the "metaphysical world."

3. What's the chain of command in the Catholic Church?
It's not a rigid heirarchy, except that everyone answers to the pope and a particular bishop. In order of closest to farthest away from God: The Pope (successor of St. Peter and Bishop of Rome and Latin Church), Cardinals (make up a College of Cardinals that advises and elects the pope), Archbishops (head of Archdioceses - duh!), Bishops, Priests, Deacons.

Thanks be to Wikipedia. Amen.

On The Shores Of The Great Como

I have never been on a trip of such magnitude, where offerings of wine, champagne and chocolate dessert were deposited before me at regular intervals. Every three or four hours, servants with white gloves attended to my needs of nourishment and hydration (if one considers replenishment equaling a pleasant buzz). My taste buds did not have time to rest. I would not expect the same kind of service if I had achieved a rank of nobility.

At my cousin's wedding in the village of Blevio (north of Como, Italy), no expense was spared. If every union of two lovers was celebrated in this fashion - a week-long celebration with high-end cuisine, luxury, and glamour - than there would be a vast reduction in the number of divorces around the world...unless couples expected life to continue in the same manner as their fairytale weddings.

A look at the wedding dinner menu (served in six courses) sheds light on the week's extravagance:

Crudite with Gorgonzola cream
Stuffed vegetables Ligurian Style
Vegetables puff pastry with sweet Pecorino cream

Risotto with rosmarin and lemon rind

Chianina beef Tagliata with rosmarin flavour

Crispy vegetables with Modena Balsamic vinegar
Spinach pie
Caponata with light pesto

Apple sorbet with Calvados

Wedding Cake & Italian Confetti

(Italian confetti, by the way, are sugar-coated almonds; traditionally, they are distributed to guests in odd numbers, but generally 5 each - symbolizing the qualities of health, wealth, happiness, fertility and long life; we consumed a lot of them, so maybe Ryan and Alexa will be extra healthy and wealthy and happy)

The villa pictured above (Villa Maria Taglioni, named after the owner and celebrated ballet dancer) was the site of the wedding ceremony, and acted as guest quarters and dining hall. Not pictured is the second villa (Villa Maria Serena) where I stayed with half of the wedding party, south of this building. I was unable to get an exact date on the age of the buildings, but both appear to be Neo-gothic structures from the nineteenth century that have undergone major renovations. The villas look pretty new if you inspect the exteriors, but the stone sea walls look ancient.
The property contains a boat dock, a heated swimming pool, an underground parking complex, and a huge park that used to be a botanical garden in the late 1800s. Though it's hard to explain exactly what this experience was like, the best way to relate is by looking at the Villa del Lago website.

After this vacation, the term "wining and dining" means something different to me. And I don't expect to ever reach these heights of luxury ever again. That's why I want to capture this as much as possible. I lived like a duke or earl or baron for seven days.

Kitschy Krap

I didn't bring back many souvenirs from Italy. My gifts to people usually come in postcard form. For some of my friends, I like to pick the cheesiest postcard possible. I would rather have them experience an alternate reality...where the wealthy lakefront village of Bellagio is synonymous with three golden retriever puppies yawning.

But, then again, I'm not a fan of shopping when I'm traveling. Why spend time wandering through boutiques and bazaars when you can just purchase impractical gifts through the airplane catalog Skymall? On the way back from your time abroad, look inside this magazine and you'll find everything your parents and friends always needed. For example, there's a Christmas platter with an image of a drunk reindeer that reads, "I've fallen and I Chianti get up!" Priceless, right? What about a DNA test for your dog (pictured)? Below is a sampling of items that will be appreciated by anyone (make sure to click on the hyperlinks to see them in their splendor).

The Slanket: One size fits all d-bags!
Forest Face: Squirrels will go nutty for their favorite sports teams!
Helmutt House: By the way, 90% of dogs hate the Big 12 conference.
Truck Antlers: "A great gift for drivers with a sense of humor..." - and feelings of self-doubt.
Jumpin Jammerz: When a Slanket just doesn't cut it, try a onesie.
Zombie of Montclaire Moors: I would actually like to see more of these statues in our gardens. I think it will restore the nation's calm.
Pet Doorbell: Why not just teach your dog sign language?
Skyrest Pillow: Only thing more offensive than a Segway.

I feel like all of the ideas in Skymall are inspired by America's Funniest Home Videos. That's the level of creativity we're talking about.

Dirty Canals

Ciao bella. Come stai? Auito!

Greetings from Italy. The above rough translates to "How are you? I am horny. Extremely!"

Spending the last day of my journey in Milan. Unfortunately it's a Monday, which means all the museums are closed. So I've just been wandering the streets from park to park. And looking into a church here and a Prada store there. Milan is not as pretty as some of the other Italian cities.
Today, I visited the Navigli District, a network of canals and footbridges in the southern part of the city. The system was originally designed by Leonardo da Vinci and it's described as the "Venice of Lombardy." Umm, I haven't been to Venice...but I'm pretty sure it's not a bunch of non-moving piles of garbage. Seriously, this water was shallow and not going anywhere, and had newspapers, an umbrella, a beer glass, food wrappers and lots of litter. Thanks a lot, Leonardo da Vinci! Did you manage to make anything beautiful during your career? Anything? Name one positive thing you did for the people of Italy.
I've noticed a lack of water movement before - when I was in Florence. The Arno River does not flow. It just attracts mosquitoes. It's time for Italy to establish a national directive to get its water back on track and on the move. The Tiber River is the exception. But that's not surprising. Everything in Rome is bigger and more beautiful.
Since I was just aimlessly ambling around Milan this morning, I noticed a lot more store signs than usual. Here are the top 5:

City Life Cafe: Self-Restaurant Steak House
My Grill
Free Time Hair Studio
Jolly Hotel President
Baby Killer: Outlet Bambini

The last name is sort of disturbing for a baby clothing store. However, fashion is paramount in this culture. Every time I get on the train, I notice how I have the worst pair of shoes in my subway car. They're a pair of old Nike sneakers, when others are wearing Hogans, La Costes, and various high quality leather shoes. This makes me a little self-conscious about my whole wardrobe, and then I overcompensate with hair product. Just like all my favorite Italian soccer stars. The fauxhawk will never die, as long as footballers are allowed to style their own hair.
Which reminds me - there is a huge poster of half-naked David Beckham and Posh Spice in the city center. It must be at least 100 foot wide. Beckham's head is as big as a Smart Car.

I was glad to finally find this internet cafe. It was my third try. Guess that's what happens when I'm using a guidebook from 2003. I promise my 4 or 5 followers that I will provide more tidbits on Italy when I get back. I've been keeping a journal and there are more highlights to come in online form.

Me & Tussin

I had a weird version of the flu recently. It was predominantly feverish, where I would experience chills and overheating constantly. It resulted in excessive sweating during sleep. I would wake up every hour or so, and feel like someone had dumped a gallon of water on me. As for the other symptoms, the cold and sore throat were pretty tame. It took me a few days to recover, and now I have this lingering cough.

I'm getting ready for a trip overseas, and I want to be rid of this thing. Apparently herbal tea and cough drops aren't enough. So I've turned to my good friend Tussin. Tussin doesn't actually cure the cough. According to drugs.com, it has a substance called detromethorpan (DXM) that messes with your brain signals, in order to suppress the cough reflex. It provides palliation (another big Harvard word - making it easier to endure symptoms).

I didn't mind taking cough syrup as a kid. Its varieties were definitely sweeter and better-tasting than the alternatives, like Nyquil or Theraflu. But I didn't remember that the doses were so small. Only 2 teaspoons? Really? It's only got 1.4% alcohol.
Now, upon further research, I see what increased doses can do to a young child or an adult. When the prescribed doses are exceeded, over-the-counter medicines (OTCs) that contain DXM can cause psychoactive effects and "complete disassociation from one's body." But, on top of the fun hallucinogenic experience, DMX abusers can feel extremely nauseous. A website operated by The Partnership For a Drug-Free America explains the side effects using a cartoon animal (who looks a lot like Stimpy). The projectile vomiting animation is a little disturbing. A former Robo-tripper testifies on the site that DXM use caused her to throw up foam, in a rabies-like tantrum. There is no indication that her head began to spin violently while spouting curses at a clergy member.
However, another ex-imbiber of Tussin reported that he broke into cars and robbed people, and was not afraid of getting shot. Cough medicine gave him a feeling of invincibility and he didn't care about other people. Perhaps that's why DXM pills are called Red Devils.
I don't get why they're called Skittles, though. Unless it has to do with the drug abusers...who can't afford illegal drugs...and they're forced to resort to a multi-colored variety of OTCs bought from grocery stores and pilfered from bathroom cabinets.

I know this must sound like an anti-drug commercial. But I can't understand why anyone would overdose on cough syrup when one of the main side effects is stomach sickness. And it's so white trash.

Says the guy who's consumed Sparks and Joose.
Don't judge me.

On special occasions, I put lime in my PBR.