Best Hobo Names (Courtesy Of John Hodgman)

I like ridiculous nicknames. Especially those names that are coined for imaginary hoboes. And that is why I want to thank John Hodgman, Apple commercial actor and writer of the book "The Areas Of My Expertise." Here is a selection of hobo names from the aforementioned book.

Cleats Onionpocket

Balloonpopper Chillingsworth

Saves-Receipts Dave

Canadian Football Pete

Happy Horace Noosemaker

Cincinnati O'Gurk

Free-Peanuts Doug

Gravybelly Dunstan

Extra-Skin Dave

Brendan Headbristles

Manuel Pants-Too-High

Weekend-Circular Debora

Air and Whiskey Dale McGlue

George Slay, the Duck Throttler

Fleabottle Boone

Huge Crybaby McWeepy

Prettynickels, the Lamb

Beef Grease Porter Dripchin

Oregon Perry Hashpipe

Myron Biscuitspear, the Dumpster Archeologist

Tennessee Linthelmet

Harry Coughblood

Smokehouse "Frankie" Jowl-Poker

Both Dakotas Dave

The Sound of Silence

If anyone still reads this blog, I have an important update.
As you know, there has been little news regarding the Chuckman's bottle opener, which I kidnapped two months ago. I regret to inform the general public that the unpopular Wazzu bottle opener is no longer with us. After it returned to Seattle from Chicago, I was so sickened by its appearance that I promptly threw it away. It will never again play the Washington State Fight song and punish the good people who wish to drink beer at Charles' apartment. Here is a quick eulogy for the Cougar bottle opener:

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
We will never forget
How much the Cougars suck

Amen.

The Ballad Of The Cougar Bottle Opener

If you follow the national pastime, I don't have to tell you where Charles' Cougar opener landed recently. Pictured is the ivy wall of a ballpark known as "The Friendly Confines." If the Chicago Cubs are The Lovable Losers, what does that make the Washington State Cougars? I've narrowed it down to these choices and taken alliteration to a whole new level:

(a) The Amiable Asses
(b) The Friendly Failures
(c) The Copacetic Cads
(d) The Likable Lemons
(e) The Righteous Rabble
(f) The Fetching Flops

and...this one's just for Charles...
(g) The Palatable Palousers

What?
You thought the tour of "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener" was over? It's got frequent flyer miles now. It can go anywhere it pleases. With free peanuts. It has no reason to return to Charles' open arms (cue the Journey song).

Done With Alacrity!

Don't know if anyone noticed (probably not), but I picked the Elite Eight game results perfectly based on strengths of the team mascots. I knew there was a science to March Madness. I just didn't know someone with a Bachelor of Arts degree and Master's degree (like myself) could understand it. Turns out you don't need a Ph.D. in bracketology. You just need the ability to analyze anthropomorphized characters wearing synthetic fur.
Like any true scientist, I need to test my hypothesis again to make sure it's valid. Let's give it another shot. By Monday, we'll know if I can submit my research to an academic journal.

Final Four Semifinals
Hink the Bulldog (Butler) vs. Sparty (Michigan State)
Sparty's state-of-the-art costume, consisting of fiberglass molds and a vinyl chest plate, costs $8,000. In this formal attire, the jolly green giant supports Michigan State athletes and fans in many ways, including weddings and barmitzvahs. You don't have to be at a sports event to party with Sparty.
But I should mention that Hink is not the only mascot at Butler. There's Butler Blue II (pictured above with Colin Powell), a six year-old bulldog that runs onto the court before home games. If the NCAA Final Four officials allow him to run loose, so will the basketball team.
Edge: Hink and Butler Blue II. They only have to travel 5.7 miles from the Butler campus to Lucas Oil Stadium. Heck, they could even take public transportation. Indianapolis does have a bus system, right?

The Mountaineer (West Virginia) vs. The Blue Devil (Duke)
Both mascots have a long history of cheering on athletes and cheering up fans. Mountaineer men and women have been supporting West Virginia (in costume) since the 1934-35 season. The only lapse in their service to fans was during 1943 and 1944, when I assume the Mountaineer was abroad fighting the Axis powers. The Blue Devil made its first appearance at a football game in 1929. In the early years, it looked like a court jester with horns.
Edge: The Mountaineer. A man versus a devil doesn't seem like a fair fight. But this reminds me eerily of "The Devil and Daniel Webster."

NCAA Championship Final
Hink and Butler Blue II vs. The Mountaineer
Edge: The Mountaineer. I want to apologize for suggesting in an earlier post that The Mountaineer was a man. For the entire 2009-10 season, The Mountaineer is Rebecca Durst (next year, it's Brock Burwell). A pretty woman in buckskins versus a cute little dog? Rebecca wins by a nose.

Now that I have it all figured out, please excuse me. I need to call my bookie.

Most Unattractive, But Beneficial

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This is a saying that I learned growing up. I think it means that you should respect others, even if they're complete jerks.
But, over the past thirty years, I've also learned that roasting people is fun, and it can help strengthen their character. So I (re)introduce to you the six people who are at the bottom of the standings in the March Madness pool. For them, upward mobility is not an option.
I've attributed a Bill Raftery quote to each one of these players (Rafferty, in case you aren't familiar, is a colorful CBS commentator who uses certain terms to describe plays and they don't make much sense - much like the losers' brackets).

(going) Commando
Points: 44
What went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little lingerie on the deck with the blow-by!"

Wombats of Doom
Points: 45
What pick went wrong: Pitt in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little ricochet romance!"

YelloDog1
Points: 54
What pick went wrong: Louisville in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "Get the puppies set!"

The Sly Fox
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Georgetown in the Elite Eight (ditto)
Rafferty quote: "Onions!"

Snarkopotamus
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Oklahoma State in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "We got a little nickel-dimer here!"

Albino Rhino
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "The vegetable cart!"

As you can see in the picture above, Charles' Cougar bottle opener has moved on from Japan. Last night, it was spotted underwater near the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. The area is the deepest known part of the world's oceans. How fast the Washington State Cougars have sunk since the 2003 Football season and their Holiday Bowl win.
No, it's not a sweater I wore to a nautical-themed party. I can't believe what you're insinuating.
Stay tuned for the next stop in "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

Last Cat Standing

The snow leopard is equipped with thick fur (1-3 inches) to cope with the cold temperatures of the Central Asian mountains. Its spots serve as camoflauge while stalking sheep, deer, boar and rodents. This week, you can add other mammals to his list of prey, including Albino Rhino, Babirusa, and Snarkopotamus (past champions).
That's right, Snow Leopard a.k.a. Kim, has leaped up to the top of the standings, clawing through other people's brackets as he scaled the heights. In order to win the March Madness Pool Championship outright, he only needs one more game to go his way. If Duke beats West Virginia, Snow Leopard will be Top Mammal...and he will be donating the pool proceeds to a charity of his choice.

But let's not overlook the other competitors vying for the prize. There's Steve Liday, who boldly picked West Virginia to win it all...and then there's me, the Nonsensical Nutria - the unlikeliest victor in the March Madness mess. Steve needs West Virginia to win both Final Four games. I need West Virginia to win the first game, and then the Mountaineers need to lose to either Butler or Michigan State in the final.
So who does Fortune (or God or Allah) favor?
The person who's been dominating the field and leads by seven points (and picked Butler to reach the Final Four)?
The person who went out on a limb and chose a #2 seed to win the crown?
Or the person (moi) who is getting incredibly lucky?

Saturday's games will certainly be exciting.

...And now, let's check out the latest stop in "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" Last time we checked in with the Wazzu opener, it was loitering in front of a Lenin statue in Moscow. As of Tuesday, it was hanging out in Land of the Rising Sun. You can tell the Cougar bottle opener is in Japan, because of the geishas, origami crane, and the Buddhist shrine. I know what you're thinking - that this is just a random collection of Asian knick-knacks, and that it's a staged photo. Well, I'm pretty insulted that you'd say that.
The good news is: I've heard that Charles' bottle opener is on its way back to America. Can't wait to see where it ends up next, and if it will return to the Chuckman's kitchen drawer in some sort of workable condition.

MASCOT BATTLE!!!

I didn't fare especially well in my last group of predictions. I couldn't imagine both Syracuse and Ohio State losing in the Sweet Sixteen. And yet they did, making me 5-for-8 (62.5%) in the last two days. I'm not talking about my bracket, mind you. I'm referring to the predictions I made after the first two rounds. That's how crazy the 2010 NCAA Tournament has been - full of surprises!

For the entire tournament, I've gotten 62% of my picks correct. Snow Leopard, currently in first place, has guessed 40 of 58 correctly - an astonishing 69%! In addition, he picked Butler in the Final Four, which looks like a great possibility (jinx). At least 2 participants could also benefit from a Kansas State win tomorrow (double jinx), i.e. Pennywise and Treeshrews.

Outside of these Final Four picks, we clearly can't predict much. As you may know, only 8 out of 25 players have a shot at picking the correct champion. Let's turn to something a bit more subjective...

The Elite Eight of Mascots!!!
Here's are the matchups for tomorrow and Sunday (click on the links for pics).

Willie The Wildcat (Kansas State) versus Hink the Bulldog (Butler)
A classic cat and dog rivalry. Willie's costume pretty much consists of an over-sized gray head with white stripes. He's a very versatile dresser - his attire depends on what sport he's cheering on (jersey & pads for football, etc.). Hink (above) has a sandy-colored fur costume, complete with cartoony jowls, floppy ears and a blue ballcap. Both Willie and Hink have prominent white teeth. Willie's identity is generally kept secret.
Edge: Hink. Willie's anatomy, as a cat-human hybrid, is bit confusing. Kansas State, spring the extra thousand dollars for the full costume.

The Mountaineer (West Virginia) versus Wildcat (Kentucky)
Man vs. Wild. The mascot from Morgantown does not hide behind a mask. He (or she) wears animal skins and a coonskin hat. Currently, the Mountaineer is played by senior Brock Burwell, who is also the chairperson of the Mountaineer Week Beard Growing Competition (not making this up). Wildcat started attending games in 1977, and it looks like they're still using the same ratty costume. Recently, Kentucky added kid-friendly Scratch to help with the mascot responsibilities.
Edge: The Mountaineer. He carries a rifle. (Though, personally I like the woman Mountaineer better)

Smokey (Tennessee) versus Sparty (Michigan State)
In Knoxville, Smokey the costumed mascot gets second billing to the real Smokey, a Coontick Bluehound. But both are regularly seen at football games and both wear agonizingly bright orange garments. Beyond having an impressive body and green helmet, Sparty has plenty of awards - a three-time national champion mascot and rated “Buffest Mascot” by Muscle and Fitness Magazine.
Edge: Sparty. He's on the cover of the video game NCAA Football 09 for the Wii, and he's not even an athlete.

Bruiser (Baylor) versus The Blue Devil (Duke)
Nothing against Bruiser, but I would prefer having Lady and Joy on the sidelines. In case you didn't know, the Blue Devil nickname takes it inspiration from courageous French soldiers in World War I, who donned blue capes and berets. Today's Cameron costumed freak is more of a demon with a D-shaped pitchfork. He frightens little kids by denying them financial aid.
Edge: The Blue Devil. That said, I think Ramses the Tarheel mascot could take him in a fair fight.

There you have it: a Final Four with Butler, West Virginia, Michigan State and Duke.

If this post interested you even minutely, you might also want to check out:
The Pie vs. Cake Sweet Sixteen
The Superheroes vs. Supervillians Bracket - down to the Final Four

Batman or Superman? Who do ya like? It might be obvious to you, but people are pretty evenly split on this question.

Nutria's Bold New Predictions

In my sleep last night, I had visions. Vivid dreams of teams dancing in the streets of Indianapolis. I can't explain much of it. I don't know why there was a sperm whale dressed in a tuxedo talking about isosceles triangles. I can only tell you what I saw. For some reason, these feelings evaded me before the tournament started. But now everything is crystal clear, and I've seen the future of March Madness. Let me share my gift of premonition with you. It's probably too late to save your bracket. But it's not too late to bet your life savings on the outcome of these games. I trust that you'll do the right thing, just like Biff in "Back To The Future 2"...when he married Lea Thompson's character.

Midwest Region

#5 Michigan State vs. #9 Northern Iowa

Prediction: UNI
I think Tom Izzo is one of the top 3 or 4 coaches in the country. However, when the Spartans lost their point guard Kalin Lucas, they lost their leader on the court. MSU needs all the firepower they can get against a Northern Iowa defense rated 2nd in the nation (54.3 points per game), and they couldn't afford to lose Lucas. Rebounding is the Spartans' strength, but the Panthers will challenge them on the boards. As long as UNI shoots decently, I expect them to win.

#2 Ohio State vs. #6 Tennessee

Prediction: Ohio St.
Evan Turner is the best player in college basketball. He led the Big Ten in points and rebounds, and was second in steals and assists. Turner also has a good supporting cast of scorers and defensive stoppers. Though the Buckeyes don't have a deep bench, their starters are good enough to lead them to the Final Four (much how I feel about Duke). In order to stay in this game, Tennessee needs to get Ohio State in foul trouble and make their free throws.

West Region

#1 Syracuse vs. #5 Butler

Prediction: Syracuse
Arinze Onuaku is coming back from his injury! Not that it matters much. I think Syracuse could win this one without him. Except for Shelvin Mack, Butler has been struggling from the arc. Three pointers aren't going to be any easier against the vaunted Orange 2-3 zone. On the defensive side, Wesley Johnson will create problems for the Bulldogs. He can drive to the hoop or hit the outside shot or just create opportunities for Andy Rautins or post players. Not to mention, the Orange have a couple of reserve players who would start on any other team - Scoop Jardine and Kris Joseph.

#2 Kansas State vs. #6 Xavier

Prediction: K-State
This game is definitely a toss-up. One of the teams from Kansas has to make the Elite Eight, right? Yeah, that's basically my logic. That, and the fact that K-State has two scorers who can go "en feugo" at any time. And this is Chris Mack's first year as coach of Xavier.

East Region

#1 Kentucky vs. #12 Cornell

Prediction: Kentucky

Although Cornell holds the edge in three-point and free-throw shooting, the Big Red won't be able to compete with the superior athletes of Kentucky. I'm not just talking about defending the scoring threats of Wall, Cousins, and Patterson. The Wildcats limit opposing teams to 38% shooting and can run with a fast-paced Cornell team.

#2 West Virginia vs. #11 Washington

Prediction: West Virginia
I think the team with the better defense wins this matchup. That's the Mountaineers, who only give up 63 points per game. Both teams are athletically gifted and deep, but I expect the "long and rangy" players of West Virginia to slow down the tempo and use the 1-3-1 zone to stifle the Huskies' offense. I don't expect UW's hot shooting streak from three point range to continue (55% in last two games versus a regular season average 33%). Not concerned about the absence of WV's point guard Truck Bryant, but I will be when they face Kentucky.

South Region

#1 Duke vs. #4 Purdue

Prediction: Duke
Until now, I didn't realize how much the Blue Devils relied on perimeter scoring. But the truth is, they have three guys who can shoot from three point range. Guard John Scheyer has been struggling as of late from beyond the arc, yet Duke has still blown out teams in the tournament. Purdue is still trying to prove itself after losing their best player Robbie Hummel late in the season. Because Duke clearly has a shooting advantage, the Boilermakers will need to control the paint to have any chance in this matchup. This one could be a blowout, since Purdue is a poor rebounding team.

#3 Baylor vs. #10 St. Mary's

Prediction: Baylor
After steamrolling opponents in the past two games, big man Omar Samhan of St. Mary's will have his hands full with Baylor center Ekpe Udoh, an excellent shot-blocker and rebounder. If Samhan gets in foul trouble, I think the Gaels are toast. St. Mary's is not a physical team, and this game will get away from them if they don't make their threes. Baylor is extremely balanced, with skilled ballhandler Tweety Carter and shooter Lacedarius Dunn complementing Udoh's inside game. The Bears are my pick to make it out of the South Region.

Final Four: Ohio State, Syracuse, Kentucky, Baylor
Sorry, Dukies, not enough depth. Hopefully I don't have to eat my words later.

Champion: Kentucky
They're young, but they're awfully good. It's time for Calipari to get his first title. There may be a sense of urgency, because these Wildcat players are already thinking about the NBA.

Congratulations to my sister-in-law Tina (The Sly Fox) for being in first place after the first two rounds. Sadly, like the Roman Emperor Didius Julianus, your reign atop the standings will be short.

The Ego Of Omar Samhan

During the March Madness tournament, I've been rooting for St. Mary's College to pull off the upsets. I like to see mid-major teams out-shoot, out-rebound, and out-hustle the favorites. However, I'm not sure how to feel about the Gaels' star center, Omar Samhan.

He talks about himself in the third person and has a self-proclaimed nickname - "The Beast." The nickname is tattooed on the inside of his lower lip (?). Samhan reminds me a little of Shaquille O'Neal, minus the comedic value. On a Gonzaga fan board, one hater evaluated Samhan like so: "Start with Charles Barkley. Add a few inches and a lot of weight. Remove 70% talent and 80% cleverness."

One of the reasons he annoys me is that he doesn't try to hide his cockiness, nor his pleasure at beating opponents. After St. Mary's beat Gonzaga in the WCC tournament, he said, "I always said I wanted to get the last laugh against the Zags...and I'm laughing now." In a recent blog video, Samhan mocks his friend's bracket for picking Villanova in the Sweet Sixteen. He holds up the piece of paper in front of the camera and throws it in the air, saying, "doesn't look like that's going to be happening." He's even trash-talked bracketologist Joe Lunardi. In all of the video clips, Samham comes off as a braggart with his toothy smile.

I have to remind myself that he's only 22 years old and still has some growing up to do. I also have to remember that he's scored 30 points a game in the first two rounds. So he has the talent to back up his talk. On top of that, he has praised the efforts of his teammates, for their shooting ability and for making him a better player.
But now that I know he's going to be a 2nd round draft pick in the NBA, I hope he goes to a team I don't like. I'm a fan of players who are modest and let their playing speak for itself, like Ray Allen and Stephen Curry. I could easily see Samhan in a Lakers jersey. Wherever he goes, I will love hating his chin facial hair.
Seeing how much he loves the big stage and promoting himself, I fear that someday he'll become an ESPN basketball analyst.
For now, I hope that Baylor beats St. Mary's and puts an end to Samhan's press conferences.

If you have opposite feelings about the "Beast" - if you absolutely love his personality - you can keep track of him on Twitter, of course. And girls, I'm sorry. His Facebook status indicates he's in a relationship.

I Follow The Moskva Down To Gorky Park

As of Saturday night, my NCAA bracket was destroyed by the Jayhawks' loss to the Northern Iowa Panthers. And I have to wait until Thursday for games to start again. No worries. There are other things that now demand my attention. Because I've been unemployed for the past four months, I'm fairly good at finding ways to occupy my time.

1. Vote on the match-ups in the annual Fug Madness competition. Just like March Madness, the contest includes 65 participants, except that they're unwillingly fighting for the title of "Worst-Dressed Celebrity of 2010." The play-in game for the tournament was between Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. An intriguing contest in the Second Round of the Bjork Bracket is between #2 Katy Perry and #7 Juliette Lewis.

2. Use my $25 iTunes gift card from Christmas.

3. Look for a job that will restore calm and bring purpose to my life. Preferably one that calls for 2-3 years of experience in a call center environment.

4. Update my online dating profile with the following information:
Interests: Skysurfing, fondue, dogbreeding.
Body Type: Pretty okay.
Profession: Hopeful.

5. Take the dog for a walk. Meet women in the park.

6. Keep blogging.

As you can see, I've got a busy day ahead of me, starting with breakfast.
But first, I'll discuss the latest stop in Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener? Today, the Wazzu opener is in Kaluzhskaya Square in Moscow. It's near the Oktyabrskaya metro station, if you're familiar with the area. The Lenin Statue (in the picture above) was constructed in 1985 and it's the tallest Lenin Statue in the world. Okay, maybe not as tall as the one in Minsk, Belarus.

March Mammals, Part Two

As I write this, I'm tied for last place with my mom and dad. Here are the rest of the participants in our pool this year. Please enjoy!

Mom/Nancy
Mammal Name: Supercilious Sea Lion
Highest Finish: 4th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: According to my mother, the difference between a sea lion and a seal are their flippers. Sea lions can actually stand up and clap because they have longer flippers, whereas seals waddle on land on their bellies. Also, seals are sociable and friendly, while sea lions are notorious snobs. Pictured above are the only two sea lions who are not prigs.
A group of sea lions is called a raft.

Dad/Jim
Mammal Name: Jim Hancock
Highest Finish: 2nd (2003, 2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Syracuse
Fun Facts: According to Google, Jim Hancock is a renaissance fair musician. And here he is getting his beard shaved.
A group of Jimbos is called a ensemble.

Bill Bowman
Mammal Name: Albino Rhino
Highest Finish: 1st (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: In order to stay cool under the brutal African sun, rhinos wallow in the mud. A nice coat of mud serves as a bug repellent, sunblock and skin moisturizer.
A group of rhinoceros is called a crash.

Sue Bowman
Mammal Name: Snarkopotamus
Highest Finish: 1st (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: I found this definition from the Urban Dictionary on "snarkosaurus": A person who is massive, lumbering and snarky, thus resembling both a dinosaur and a snarky person. I can't confirm if it's a related species, but I know that cynicism and sarcasm are involved.
A group of snarkopotami is called a brood.

Kim
Mammal Name: Snow Leopard
Highest Finish: 13th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun Facts: Snow leopards can jump as far as 50 feet and can kill animals three times their weight. In their habitat, in the mountains of Central Asia, they prey on ibex, sheep and sherpas.
A group of leopards is called a leap.

Paula
Mammal Name: The Fighting Daschunds
Highest Finish: 3rd (2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: These dogs are extremely loyal pets, but often suffer from separation anxiety...which explains why the Egyptians had their daschund-like dogs mummified. A daschund named Waldi was the mascot of the 1972 Munich Olympics.
A group of daschunds is called a pack...a pack of furious scurrying feet and sharp needle-like teeth.

Tom
Mammal Name: Jackalope
Highest Finish: 3rd (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Jackalopes only breed during electrical storms. They're commonly found on postcards from Wyoming and Texas.
A group of jackalopes is called a "nest-herd."

Peter
Mammal Name: Babirusa
Highest Finish: 1st (2006, 2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: Known as "pig-deer," babirusa have two pairs of curved tusks that can grow up to a foot long. The males sharpen their tusks by grinding them against stones and trees. Tusks help them battle other babirusa during mating season and puncture the plastic film on their microwave dinners.
Because babirusa are more related to hippos than pigs, a group of them is called a bloat.

Michael Heiser
Mammal Name: Bontebok
Highest Finish: 12th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun Facts: This relative of the antelope is only found in one Bontebok National Park (South Africa) and a few reserves outside the park. They used to live in Lesotho and Swaziland. Come to think of it, that's the only thing I know about Lesotho or Swaziland.
A group of bonteboks is called a herd.

Alison
Mammal Name: Terrifying Treeshrews
Highest Finish: 13th (2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun Facts: Tree shrews have a higher brain to body mass ratio than humans. Pen-tailed tree shrews in Malaysia regularly consume fermented nectar (3.8% alcohol). In unrelated news, Alison finished in last place in 2009.
A group of treeshrews is called a taming.

Aunt Pat
Mammal Name: Gazelle
Highest Finish: 11th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: Gazelles can reach speeds of 50 mph. Cheetahs can run up to 70 mph. The top speed of a 1967 Chevrolet Impala is 130 mph. Who wins here? America. That's who.
A group of gazelles is called a herd.

Bruce Treut
Mammal Name: yellodog1
Highest Finish: Rookie
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Though the Labrador Retriever is known as a loyal pet and a great hunting companion, it is native to Newfoundland, where it helped fishermen retrieve and pull in nets. Today, labs go through more tennis balls than Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras combined.
A group of yellow labs is called a pack.

Matt Bowman
Mammal Name: African Wild Ass
Highest Finish: 6th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: The smallest member of the horse family is well-suited to living in the desert. In the sixteenth century, the Spanish brought them to America, where they inspired the television show "Hee Haw." Wild asses are still found in the Southwest (where they are known as Arizonans).
A group of wild asses is called a pace, a drove or a herd.

Uncle Bill
Mammal Name: Laughing Chimpanzees
Highest Finish: 2nd (2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The first American in space was actually a chimp named Ham in 1961. Unlike other monkeys, chimps utilize tools to retrieve insects and open nuts. Though chimps are very intelligent, they are not good swimmers. That's why they're often seen with inflatable arm floaties.
A group of chimpanzees is called a community.

March Mammals, Part One

Now to introduce the various players of the 9th Annual Player's Club Invitational, starting with the people native to the Pacific Northwest. I applaud everyone's creativity in choosing a mammal that best represents his or her spirit.

Rick (brother)
Mammal Name: Baby Beluga
Highest Finish: 7th (2003)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Baby Belugas are born black to bluish. After about five years, they gain their white creamy color. [Insert Michael Jackson joke here] The beluga is listed as an endangered species in Alaska.
A group of belugas is called a pod.

Tina (sister-in-law)
Mammal Name: Sly Fox
Highest Finish: 2nd (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Red foxes communicate to other scavenging foxes with their urine. By smelling the urine, foxes can tell if the site is worth their attention or if they should move elsewhere. Foxes prefer free-range chickens and organically-grown vegetables.
A group of foxes is called a leash or a skulk.

Brian
Mammal Name: Stupid Lazy Squirrel Monkeys
Highest Finish: 2nd (2005)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The main predators of squirrel monkeys (that weigh 1-3 lbs.) are eagles and hawks. These monkeys are not all that lazy - they're constantly foraging for fruit and insects. But they are pretty stupid. They don't even know how to play checkers.
A group of monkeys is called a barrel. It's not just a game.

Robert
Mammal Name: Wombats of Doom
Highest Finish: 4th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Like other marsupials, female wombats have pouches, except they face backwards. Even though they are short, stocky animals, wombats can run up to 25 mph AND THEY STOP FOR NO ONE!
A group of wombats is called a wisdom.

Me (or "Unkie Jam Jam," as my dog knows me)
Mammal Name: Nonsensical Nutria
Highest Finish: 1st (2002, 2004)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: A nutria is like a small beaver, except awesome. With their reddish incisor teeth, they've managed to ruin marshland ecosystems in Louisiana and the Chesapeake Bay. Way to go, invasive species!
A group of nutria is called a colony.

Charles
Mammal Name: George W. Bushy-tailed Olingo (pictured above)
Highest Finish: 9th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Olingos live in trees, stay up late at night and eat small mammals and birds. Despite being known as fiscally conservative, olingos vote on increases in military spending year after year.
I couldn't find what a group of olingos is called, but a group of kinkajous (similar animals) is called a troop.

Steve
Mammal Name: Steve Liday
Highest Finish: 9th (2003)
2010 Champion Pick: West Virginia
Fun Facts: Steve is horrible at both Jenga and Boggle.
A group of Steves is called a bevy.

Steve, Sr.
Mammal Name: Oregon Giraffe
Highest Finish: 10th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The giraffe is the tallest land mammal. That means, when a female gives birth, the baby giraffe falls more than five feet to the ground. Ouch.
A group of giraffes is called a tower.

Brock
Mammal Name: Pennywise
Highest Finish: 1st (2005)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: I can't provide fun facts about fictional clowns. Change your name, Brock Poe.
A group of Brocks is called a mob.

Michael Busick
Mammal Name: Dynomutt, Wonder Dog
Highest Finish: 7th (2006, 2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Dynomutt teamed up with Blue Falcon in the 1970s to fight crime on television. Officially classified as Hannah Barberis canus robotus.
A group of wonder dogs is called a "cyberpack."

Dr. Ron
Mammal Name: (going) Commando
Highest Finish: 6th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: If you're going to stick with a Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, you could have at least chosen "Predator."
A group of commandos is called a regiment.

Player introductions continue this weekend. Stay tuned...

And The Award Goes To...

In order to win the NCAA tournament, a team must win six games in a row at neutral sites. All of the No. 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 seeds have had six game winning streaks (or longer) during the season, except for #5 Texas A&M. However, all of these winning streaks have included home games and non-tournament opponents. What team in the 2010 tourney is capable of sustaining a long run against quality opponents?

Well, I'm going to tell you.
It probably won't be much of a shocker.
This time, I actually did my research, though.

I studied the past ten NCAA men's champions (2000-2009) and looked for common threads. A couple of the top teams, like Michigan State in 2000 and Florida in 2006, seemed a little anomalous. The Mateen Cleaves-led Spartans were strange because of their less than potent offense (ranked 79th in Division I) and their overpowering defense (7th). The first Florida championship team was an abberation because it had no first or second team All-Americans. The Gators were also an unimpressive 5-3 in their last eight games before the tournament (and again in 2007). Every other champion in the last ten years has been 7-1 going into the Big Dance (except for last year's Tarheels, who were 6-2).

For the most part, the champions of years past were high-scoring teams (ranked in the top 15 in points per game). With the exception of the 2006 Gators and 2008 Jayhawks, they featured at least one Consensus All-American (as decided by the Sporting News, AP, USBWA and National Association of Basketball Coaches). These champions generally have four or more players who score in double figures (the only team that didn't meet this criteria was the 2004 Connecticut Huskies with its trio of Gordon, Okafor and Anderson). Having multiple scorers is important, because it means that the team won't suffer if one star has a bad performance. In addition, the starters on championship teams are usually experienced players (a hefty combination of seniors and juniors). You can say all you want about Carmelo Anthony's miracle year and his young band of Orangemen, but the fact is, a freshman phenom often doesn't lead his team to a title. If John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins go all the way for the Wildcats this year, then I'll admit I'm wrong.

How do current tourney team compare in these respects? I looked at the No. 1, 2 and 3 seeds and found that only one team really fits the bill. By my predictions, Coach Bill Self will bag another title for Kansas. The Jayhawks rank 5th in scoring offense (81.8 points per game) and 58th in defense (allowing 68.3 points per game). Considering that the past ten champions' average defensive ranking was 108th, that's pretty solid. Kansas has four players who score more than 10 points a game (Collins, Henry, Aldrich, and Marcus Morris). The Jayhawks have at least one likely Consensus All-American in Sherron Collins (and maybe Cole Adrich, by the time the votes are cast). Bill Self's team is also on a roll, winning the Big 12 championship and only losing one game since January 10th.
So how did the other No. 1 seeds not meet my rigorous standards? Kentucky is super young and ranks below Kansas in both scoring and defense. Despite ranking 6th in scoring in the nation, Syracuse is 145th in points allowed per game. Even if we dismiss the seriousness of Onuaku's injury, the Orange has still dropped 3 of its last 8 games. Duke only has three players that it relies on to score points, and doesn't play great on the road. I could go on and on about the faults of other tournament teams. But just take my word for it.

Rock Chalk, Jayhawk.

Today's picture, by the way, is dedicated to my favorite team name in the tournament pool:
Wombats of Doom.

You Play To Lose The Game

Today's play-in game between Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Winthrop is a great opportunity for both teams. The Golden Lions and the Eagles made the postseason despite finishing second and third in their leagues (SWAC and Big South). By winning their conference tournaments, they get to face off against each other at Dayton Arena for a chance to move into the field of 64. What's at stake: a ticket to Jacksonville to play No. 1 seed Duke. Considering that a No. 16 seed has never beat a No. 1 seed in tournament play, it's like an amateur getting a shot at playing against Tiger Woods in match play.

On the other hand, playing against Duke in a NCAA tournament has to be a big rush for these players. Winthrop started out the season 5-9, while Arkansas Pine-Bluff got off an 0-11 start. The Golden Lions didn't even have a record above .500 until the conference tournament. The fact that both of these teams are still technically in the running for a NCAA championship is pretty amazing.

What is the significance of the play-in game? The first opening round game was played in 2001. It was created after the formation of the Mountain West Conference in 1999. When the NCAA decided to grant the winner of the Mountain West tournament an automatic bid, that pushed the automatic berths up to 31. Rather than reduce the number of at-large bids (34), it added an extra game. The opening round game has always been hosted by the University of Dayton. (Currently, there is discussion of expanding the field to 72 or 96, and thus creating more play-in games, and generating more revenue for the NCAA)

This is the second play-in game for the Winthrop Eagles, who were on the losing side in 2001. The Eagles, however, won a first round game against Notre Dame in 2007 (witnessed by me in Spokane). They also returned to the tourney the following year, and got beat by Washington State. Senior forward Mantoris Robinson was a member of both teams. When will a No. 16 seed beat a No. 1 seed? Probably not this year, but it's not an impossible feat.

Regardless of what happens in the play-in game, it has to be more exciting than the College Basketball Invitational, now in its third year. The CBI is a third-rate tournament, featuring sixteen teams that couldn't make the NIT. You have to question the quality of a tournament that crowned Oregon State as its champion last year (no disrespect intended to the President's brother-in-law, who coaches the Beavers). Not to mention that the tournament can't draw enough fans to host its games on neutral sites. Unless you've always wanted to see a matchup between Morehead State and Colorado State, you'd probably agree with me that the CBI is not good for college basketball. It reminds me of the 2009 Insight Bowl, played between two 6-6 football teams (Minnesota lost to Iowa State in a thriller, 14-13).

The Beavers earn a CBI berth by finishing 14-17? That's just shameful.

Rise Of The Rodents

I can't believe I'm dedicating an entire post to my name change in a March Madness pool.

But here I am.
I'm doing it in the interest of ...my self interests.

Plus it's good practice for evaluating contending teams and how they match up against each other. You can't play favorites when you're making bracket picks. Regardless of who you like, you need to understand who has the tools and the motivation to succeed in a high-pressure environment.

A week ago, my team name (this year's theme is mammals) was The Mighty Platypi. I was too hasty to pick a mammal with a duck bill, given my affinity for the University of Oregon. A few days later, I chose the Nonsensical Nutria. Let's take a look at the comparison of these animals.

Platypus
Species: Ornithorhynchus anatinus
Diet: Carnivore (insects, larvae, shellfish, worms)
Size: 3 lbs.
Lifespan: 12 years
Threats: snakes, goannas, rats, foxes, man
Pros: A platypus navigates exceptionally well through water with webbed feet and a beaver-like tail. Male platypi have venomous stingers on their back heels. Poison from these stingers can kill a dingo!
Cons: Species equipped with a duck bill instead of teeth, and a platypus hunts solely underwater (where it can hold its breath for a meager minute or two). It has only thrived on one continent (Australia, which is more like a big island). The platypus lays eggs, which seems like a questionable way to go about being a mammal. When the eggs hatch, the babies are blind, hairless, and ugly. The males are deadbeats when it comes to raising their young (reminding me unpleasantly of the MTV show "16 & Pregnant").

Nutria
Species: Myocastor coypus
Diet: Omnivore (plants, roots, snails, mussels)
Size: 15 to 22 lbs.
Lifespan: 8-10 years
Threats: coyotes, dogs, man (young are vulnerable to owls, hawks, eagles, foxes)
Pros: These semi-aquatic animals are excellent swimmers who can stay underwater for up to five minutes. When born, baby nutria are fully furred. Young nutria sometimes nurse as their mothers swim - talk about multi-tasking! Nutria are social animals and they live in groups called "colonies." They are native to South America, but have successfully adapted to life in Europe, Asia, Africa and North America (particularly Oregon and Washington state). Nutria are generally resented by other species in new habitats, because they overharvest edible plants and don't leave much vegetation. But can you really fault these creatures for being good at eating?
Cons: Nutria aren't good-looking (pictured above).

Remember, it's okay to change your mind. I thought platypi were pretty cute, but I now know that they don't have what it takes. Nutria are better web-footed, burrowing animals.
In a few days, I'll explain which team will take home the NCAA men's basketball title. After people have made their picks, of course...

They're Multiplying!!!

When I was watching the Duke game this weekend, I noticed two Blue Devil jerseys with the name "Plumlee." It just so happens that a pair of brothers, Miles (Sophomore) and Mason (Freshman), play for Coach K. And they have a younger taller brother, Marshall, who is considering going to Duke. Ahhhh!!! Attack of the rebounding white guys!

Miles was originally committed to Stanford, and strangely enough, he would have played with the Lopez brothers (Brook and Robin). But when Stanford's head coach Trent Johnson left for LSU, Miles decided to go to Duke, where his younger brother Mason had committed to play. The brothers have similar roles in the Blue Devils' rotation: to substitute for starters Kyle Singler and Brian Zoubek, or whenever Coach K wants to clog up the paint. Crash the boards, block and commit fouls when necessary.

Sophomore Miles averages 16.8 minutes, 5.6 points, and 5.2 rebounds per game. Freshman Miles has similar numbers. When Zoubek and forward Lance Thomas graduate this year, both brothers could move into starting roles for Duke. As high schoolers, Miles and Mason helped Christ School compile a 63-6 record and they won two state championships. Their younger brother Marshall also attends Christ School, an all-male boarding school in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

If pro basketball doesn't work out for these fellows, I think they should open a family restaurant called "Plumlee Brothers' French Toast House." Because if there can be waffle and pancake houses, why can't french toast get in on the fun?

What's even weirder - the Atlantic Coast Conference has two more pairs of brothers on the North Carolina and Clemson's men's basketball teams. Travis and David Wear play for the Tarheels, while Trevor and Devin Booker play for the Tigers.

(I strongly urge you to become a fan of The Plumlee Brothers on Facebook)

Panther Pride

In March Madness, there is a lot of hype surrounding No. 1 seeds. True, a No. 1 seed has won the championship seven out of the last ten years. In three of those years, however, one #2 seed (UConn, 2004) and two #3 seeds (Syracuse, 2003, and Florida, 2006 have brought home the title. Which lower-seeded squads are worthy of making a run to the Final Four?

Today, I'll profile a Big East team that always causes problems in my brackets. Today, this team secured the #3 seed in the West Region. Nicknamed the Panthers, they make their home in the city of Pittsburgh - which is a lot like Detroit, except with a competitive football team, and not as dependent on the American auto industry.

As a No. 1 seed in the 2009 NCAA Tournament, the Panthers lost to Villanova by two points in the Elite Eight. Over the last eight years, the University of Pittsburgh has made the Sweet Sixteen six times. A pretty good track record, except that Pitt never gets farther than the third round (except for last year). Pitt returns only one starter from last year, senior guard Jermaine Dixon (after losing DeJuan Blair (Spurs) and Sam Young (Grizzlies) to the NBA Draft). This year, the Panthers are led by guard Ashton Gibbs and assist-maker Brad Wannamaker. Over the years, Pitt has been known for its stifling defense and its average offense. This season is no different. The Panthers are averaging 68.8 points on offense and they allow 61.7 points per game. What's disconcerting is that the Panthers scored 77.4 points per game last year. The team's field goal percentage is also down, from 47.9% in 2009 to 44.7% in 2010. Can Pitt put enough points on the board to go far in the tourney? History says No. Defense alone can't win championships.

Coincidentally, Pittsburgh is the latest stop on the world tour of Charles' bottle opener. It's a feature I like to call "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" If you're unfamiliar with how I stole my friend's beer cap remover, I simply took it out of his silverware drawer when I was helping him move into a new condo. I pilfered the bottle opener because it plays the Washington State fight song. Part of my reason for doing this is showing Charles all the places he could go if his heart desired. But mostly I hate that bottle opener.

Which reminds me...Washington State lost to Oregon in the opening round of the Pac-10 Tournament on Wednesday night, 82-80 in OT. The picture above (near the dilapidated steel mills of Pittsburgh) is dedicated to the Cougs' loss, and their terrible play in general. Mind you, Washington State got the No. 9 seed in the conference tourney only because USC is suspended from postseason play. Let's not forget that Wazzu is the worst team in the Pac-10 in both basketball and football. Let us never forget.

I'll go ahead and provide Charles' rebuke to my last statement: "At least Cougars aren't stealing laptops from frat boys" (in reference to the Duck's football team antics off the field). To which I would say, "I can't really judge Masoli's behavior too much...since I steal bottle openers from my friends."

Big Toe

Last year, when I was making my picks, I didn't take North Carolina as my champion because Guard Ty Lawson (the second highest scorer behind Hansbrough) had an injured big toe. This was a huge mistake, as he recovered and UNC went on a rampage. The closest game for the Tarheels was in the Regional Final versus Oklahoma, and they won that contest by 12 points.

I'm not going to overreact this year to minor injuries.
It will destroy my bracket.
Here's some injuries that I will just ignore, and trust that each team is deep enough to absorb them or that the players will magically heal:

Arinze Onuaku, starting center for Syracuse, injured his right leg in a losing effort today against Georgetown (he's not a good free throw shooter (43%), so maybe they're better off)

Robbie Hummel, Purdue's second leading scorer, is out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL

Center Max Zhang (collapsed lung) and guard Jorge Gutierrez (sprained ankle) may both not be playing for California today in their Pac-10 Tournament opener (against the mighty Oregon Ducks)

Virginia Tech starters Dorenzo Hudson and Jeff Allen are probable tomorrow against Miami with foot and shoulder injuries

Starting Louisville guard Jerry Smith did not play in the tournament game against Cincinnati because of a hand injury.

UNLV guard Derrick Jasper, who averages over 25 minutes per game, is out indefinitely with a knee injury.

Star forward Trevor Booker of Clemson suffered a cut above his right eye in the last game against Wake Forest, but hopefully the bandage will hold.

Mangisto Arop, reserve forward for #14 Gonzaga, had surgery to repair a broken foot and will be out for the season. He likes to be called Manny, by the way.

Just to reiterate, the teams in bold letters will probably not be affected much by these injuries. Or maybe they will. Don't think about it too much. It might cloud your judgment. Go with your heart, or gut...or whatever body part.

Terrier Puppies - $50 Each OBO

Another college basketball team from South Carolina has stolen my heart.

Last night, the Wofford Terriers beat Appalachian State to win the Southern Conference Tournament, and they'll make their first ever appearance in NCAA Division I men's basketball tournament. The Terriers (from Spartanburg, SC) joined the Southern Conference thirteen years ago and finally get to play in the postseason.

That's actually not that long of a drought. Five teams have been part of Division I basketball since 1939 and have never made it to the NCAA Tournament: The Citadel, Northwestern, William & Mary, St. Francis, and Army (despite having Bob Knight as coach and Mike Krzyzewski as a player).
The College of William & Mary, the country's oldest university (1693), came mighty close to ending their run of futility. The Tribe lost yesterday to Old Dominion in the Colonial Conference Tournament Championship, 60-53. Another notable drought: William & Mary* has not produced an American president since John Tyler. I suppose Harvard and Yale are doing a better job of recruiting future politicians these days.

But I'm not writing this post to talk about the poor and downtrodden teams. Let's discuss the real contenders and their resumes. The probable #1 seeds in the tourney are as follows:

Kansas Jayhawks
Record: 29-2, 15-1 Big 12
RPI: 1
Strength of Schedule (SOS): 8
Leading Scorer: Sherron Collins, 15.3 PPG, 4.3 APG
Coach: Bill Self, 405 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 38

Kentucky Wildcats
Record: 29-2, 14-2 SEC
RPI: 3
SOS: 38
Leading Scorer: John Wall, 16.8 PPG, 6.2 APG
Coach: John Calipari, 469 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 50

Syracuse Orange
Record: 28-3, 15-3 Big East
RPI: 4
SOS: 11
Leading Scorer: Wesley Johnson, 15.7 PPG, 18.5 RPG
Coach: Jim Boeheim, 827 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 32

Duke Blue Devils
Record: 26-5, 13-3 ACC
RPI: 2
SOS: 7
Leading Scorer: Jon Scheyer, 18.9 PPG, 5.2 APG
Coach: Mike Krzyzewski, 858 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 33

Ohio State Buckeyes
Record: 24-7, 14-4 Big Ten
RPI: 29
SOS: 65
Leading Scorer: Evan Turner, 19.5 PPG, 9.4 RPG, 5.8 APG
Coach: Thad Matta, 253 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 25

*Other notable William & Mary alumni: Darren Sharper (New Orleans Saints cornerback), Steve Christie (Buffalo Bills placekicker), Patton Oswalt (comedian), Vic Raschi (6X World Series Champion, NY Yankees pitcher), Glenn Close (actress), Mike Tomlin (Pittsburgh Steelers head coach), and some guys named Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe

2010 Kevin Pittsnogle All-American Names

By far, the best thing about attending a rollerderby event is watching the women on rollerskates shove each other to the ground. I won't go into the rules of rollerderby, except to say that points are rewarded to the speediest and strongest team. The crowd, for the most part, is not concerned with the score. Spectators are fixated on watching women push and jostle for position and occasionally throw their shoulders into each other. It's fun to watch people racing quickly around an oval, but it's more fun to watch people fall down.
The second best thing about Rat City Rollergirls, the Seattle women's rollerderby league, is the names of the competitors. Last night, when they introduced the women players before the bouts, it reminded me a lot of professional wrestling. While the women are certainly talented skaters and athletes, they definitely see their sport as entertainment.
On Saturday night, I was rooting for the team "Grave Danger," because my friend Charles knows a skater on the team. In addition, I appreciated their uniforms, which featured red tops (that simulate dripping blood) and either fishnet stockings or knee high socks. One thing all the members had in common was a bad-ass name that fits in with the team's "hellish" theme. My favorite monikers included: Bruise Lee, Carmen Getsome, Iron Megan, Katarina Whip, Sara Problem, and Nikole Plated.
I have to admit that these made-up nicknames make it more fun to cheer on the players. I would say the same thing about any sport. If someone has a cool name (like Coco Crisp, Chili Davis, Oil Can Boyd, or Mookie Blaylock), I like them immediately. College basketball is no different. I genuinely appreciate the creativeness of athletes' parents, unless it involves weird misspellings. Without further adieu, I present to you the best names of the year in men's college basketball:

First Team

Tweety Carter (Guard, Baylor)
Jimmer Fredette (Guard, BYU)
Festus Ezeli (Center, Vanderbilt)
Scootie Randall (Forward, Temple)
Tiny Gallon (Forward, Oklahoma)

Second Team

Korie Lucious (Guard, Michigan State)
Skylar McBee (Guard, Tennessee)
Wquinton Smith (Guard, Wisconsin)
Avery Jukes (Forward, Butler)
Bol Kong (Forward, Gonzaga)

Best player with most boring name: John Wall (Guard, Kentucky)

Early Casualties

Over a week away from Selection Sunday, and already, dozens of teams are out of the running for the NCAA Tournament. Besides the Oregon Ducks (unless they manage to win the Pac-10 Tournament), many teams will be sitting at home watching March Madness on CBS. Notably absent from the competition this year are the Manhattan Jaspers, the Belmont Bruins, the Evansville Aces, and the Campbell Fighting Camels, the official team of the Nativity Camel blog.
The Camels lost in the quarterfinals of the Atlantic Sun Tournament to East Tennessee State, 72-64.
Sadly, it marked the last game for Camel forward Jonathan Rodriguez, one of 101 Division I players to score 2,000 points and nab 1,000 rebounds. Maybe he'll be playing in Greece sometime soon?

On the lighter side of things, I want to present a new feature to the blog. It's called: "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

A week ago, I stole my friend's bottle opener while I was helping him move. I don't usually steal things from people, but this theft was fully justified. I have endured months of pain hanging out at his place, because he insisted that every beer be opened with this bottle opener. Every time you pop a top off, the opener plays the Washington State fight song. And I can tell you, without any sort of regional bias, it's a pretty stupid fight song. Here's a sample of the lyrics:

Come on and win the day for Crimson and Gray!
Best in the West, we know you'll all do your best, so
On, on, on, on! Fight on to the end! Honor and Glory you must win! So
Fight, fight, fight for Washington State and victory!

The bottle opener is just plain offensive and it doesn't belong in any kitchen. So I made the decision to take it from Charles' apartment and I want to make sure that it never plays the Cougar fight song again. Today I took it to Gas Works Park in Seattle with my dog Bowie (pictured above). Bowie took a dip into the waters of Lake Union, and I almost threw the opener in there with her.

Who knows where it will show up next?

Getting To Know Your Private Schools

As commissioner of an annual March Madness pool, I like to entertain and make things fun for participants. But a secondary function of my job is education.


What is your IQ when it comes to identifying the locations of colleges in the United States? Do you know if it's a religious school or a progressive liberal arts institution?

Let's begin with a more specific question:
Where is Sam Houston State University located?

If you guessed Houston, you're wrong.
It's Huntsville.
See? You clearly need my help.

Today I'm going to introduce you to three private universities (that are probably sending men's teams to the tournament) and tell you how they got their names. Indulge my love of history for a few moments...

Baylor University
Location: Waco, Texas
Name Origin: The university is named after Robert Emmett Bledsoe (R.E.B.) Baylor, a Baptist leader, Congressman, lawyer, judge and veteran of The War of 1812. Shortly after converting to Baptism in 1839, he left Alabama to establish a school in Texas. R.E.B. was later appointed as a judge in the Republic of Texas and helped write the state constitution after annexation. He founded the university (1945) as well as many Baptist organizations. Please don't draw any conclusions from the facts that Baylor never married and died in a town called Gay Hill. He was a good Christian man.

Xavier University
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Name Origin: St. Francis Xavier was one of the seven founders of the Jesuit religious order in 1534. He grew up in Spain and eventually became chummy with St. Ignatius Loyola (another college namesake) while studying in Paris. In 1540, the Society of Jesus received papal approval, and the Catholic Church permitted the order to travel to Jerusalem and beyond to spread the Gospel. Xavier's charitable and evangelical work took him to Portugal, Mozambique, India, Japan and various islands in Southeast Asia. By the time he died on the island of Sancian (off the coast of China) in 1552, Xavier had definitely set the standard for missionary zeal. Can the Musketeers do the same for basketball excellence?
*Interesting note: Xavier has two mascots - D'Artagnan and The Blue Blob (pictured above).

Marquette University
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Name Origin: Like Xavier, Father Jacques Marquette was a Jesuit priest. However, this Frenchman set his missionary sights on Canada, or what was known then as New France. While stationed in Quebec and the Great Lakes area, he preached to Native Americans and learned the Algonquin and Huron languages. In 1673, Marquette accompanied Louis Jolliet on an expedition to map the Mississippi River (where they met the friendly Illini). They hoped that the river led to the Pacific Ocean, but discovered it flowed toward the Gulf of Mexico. Fearing hostile tribes with guns and the despicable Spanish, the explorers turned back before reaching the Mississippi's terminus. Marquette succumbed to dysentery over a year later.

Combined NCAA Men's Basketball Championships from these private institutions: 1
The Marquette Golden Eagles won it all in 1977.

But don't count private universities out in your brackets!
Syracuse won in 2003, and Villanova and Georgetown took home titles in the 80's.

Now...don't you feel smarter after reading this?

Mammalian Madness!

One of the biggest challenges of March Madness is not making bracket picks. That takes about five minutes. What's really difficult is determining a name that best represents your identity. In the past six years, I've appeared in the standings as Michael Knight, Scrappy-Doo, Jefferson Starship, Chili Cheese Fritos, The Secret of My Suce$s and Tyler Durden. Only when I embraced my inner David Hasselhoff was I truly successful.

This year's theme for team names is: Mammals.
In order to qualify, the animal must have hair of some sort and milk its young. That's my informal definition. In brief, no birds, fish or reptiles (which means no dinosaurs - sorry, lovers of parasaurolophus).

Many college basketball teams have mammals as their mascots. Let's take a look at some of my favorites for inspiration:

1. Southern Illinois Salukis
2. UC-Irvine Anteaters
3. Sam Houston State Bearkats (not a real mammal)
4. Arkansas Razorbacks
5. Marshall Thundering Herd
6. South Dakota State Jackrabbits
7. Bowdoin Polar Bears
8. Maryland-Baltimore County Retrievers
9. Rider Broncs
10. Colby White Mules

Since I'm a fan of Oregon, I naturally favor waterfowl. But I didn't want to be boring and choose the Ducks. So I chose an animal that has a duck bill. My new team name is The Mighty Platypi.
The runner-ups included: The Otter Pops, The Sexy Manatees, and Grape Ape.

One more rule for pool participants: Don't choose the name of a current team.
ABSOLUTELY NO HUSKIES OR BEAVERS ALLOWED.

Sleeper, Cinderella, Upset

...three words that re-enter the vocabulary this time of year.

When March Madness rolls around, everyone filling out a bracket wants to know:
Which low-seeded team or relative unknown is going to bust through to the Sweet Sixteen? Or farther?

You recognize the major conference teams in contention for the title, like Duke, Michigan State, Kansas, and Kentucky. And, if you've been paying attention, you know that North Carolina is not going to repeat this year. The Tarheels aren't even going to make the tournament. You can probably count UConn out, too. But, big contenders aside, who else should you know about? I'm going to tell you about four teams that often don't make a splash in the tournament. However, they were all ranked in the top 25 this year, and they already have guaranteed spots in the Big Dance.

Let's start with the #24 UTEP (22-5). The Miners have not won a NCAA tournament game since 1992. This year, the team has only dropped one game in Conference USA play. UTEP has five players that average over 10 points per game. Derrick Caracter, the team's second leading scorer, is a junior transfer from Louisville who's discovered gold, so to speak, in El Paso. The Miners have won 12 straight.

The next team that might make some noise is the Big Red. Straight out of Ithaca, New York, Cornell is poised to make a run. Believe it or not, this is the school's third straight appearance in the NCAA tournament. This time around, though, the Big Red has four senior starters and some impressive performances under its belt. Cornell beat Alabama and St. John's, two big conference teams. The team also lost to #2 Kansas by a mere 5 points. I think they'll get out of the first round this year.

Based on their 2009 seasons, the next two teams shouldn't be complete surprises. Both the Kansas State Wildcats and the New Mexico Lobos finished 21-11 last year and lost in the second round of the NIT. Currently, they're ranked #5 and #8, respectively.

You might remember Kansas State from a couple years ago, when it had two NBA draft picks (Michael Beasley and Bill Walker). The Wildcats beat USC in the first round of the Big Dance (destroying my bracket) before losing to Wisconsin. In 2010, K-State is once again a two-headed monster. Guards Jacob Pullen and Denis Clemente are both potent scorers (averaging 18.5 and 15.8 points a game), meaning that opposing teams will have to contain both players. On Wednesday, the Wildcats play one of their biggest games of the season - against Big 12 leader Kansas.

New Mexico has won their last 13 games, including wins over tourney-worthy teams BYU, UNLV, and San Diego State. The Lobos are led by head coach Steve Alford, who coached at Iowa for 8 years (including seven straight winning seasons) and won a national championship as a player at Indiana in 1987. How do you know he's an excellent coach? To begin with, he learned from the best - Mr. Bob Knight. Second, he's managed to propel his team to the top of the Mountain West Conference with only one senior on his roster.

THE BLOG IS BACK! (on a limited run for March Madness, pending talks with management)