Boy, Interrupted

Once again, I will be on a little hiatus from blogging.

Due to the failure of my iBook to remain in the upright and "on" position.
After it crashed, I was able to turn it on a few days later. But then my power adapter broke.
So who knows what will happen to the great novels I have started? (I had written four pages of brilliant stuff and the documents sat on my desktop, unaware of my Mac's impending doom)

But it's summer. You're outside and enjoying life. Not reading my blog. Certainly not obsessing about the NBA Draft or MLB interleague play. Maybe you're at the new Transformers movie. Or you've taken up figure skating. You are doing something meaningful and life-affirming. But you are not reading my blog.

Well, you're probably looking at porn. With the shades drawn closed. Keeping out the sunlight and sounds of sprinklers. I am not judging you. You are entitled to your privacy and you can do whatever you want with your free time.
Just remember, the WNBA season has started.
Oh, were you not aware? No bother.

Get Plastered At Home, Help Troops Abroad

I'm not too happy about having to pay $3.99 for a package of Swedish Fish at the Los Angeles International Airport.

But I'm more unhappy with a recent marketing effort by Jim Beam, Inc. As I was waiting for my United Airlines flight, I noticed a cardboard advertisement (outside the "L.A. Roadhouse" airport bar) urging me to make a "toast to the troops."
Below the Jim Beam logo and message was a large glass of fizzing cola...suggesting to travelers that by downing a "whiskey-and-coke," the most American of drinks, you are also helping the soldiers (who don't get to drink) establish the American ideals of democracy and freedom. The bourbon is not, for example, helping you deal with a traumatic divorce or forget about your mortgage payments. The bourbon is, however, bolstering the morale of our troops and providing them with what they need to keep fighting the good fight. But only if you buy the commemorative bottle with the star and stripes (pictured above).

I know, I know...leave it to me to burst the bubble of patriotic goodness. According to a press release, Jim Beam donated $175,000 this year to Operation Homefront - an organization that "provides emergency financial and morale assistance to troops, their families, and wounded warriors." Last year, the bourbon makers contributed $250,000, which included sales of the limited edition bottle. Moreover, the Jim Beam website states that "contribution to Operation Homefront is not based on the amount of product sold." So I guess I'm just a big Communist for complaining about this type of advertising.
But let's face it: If you get tipsy on Operation Homefront whiskey, you're supporting our men in camo. If you're throwing back a few of the regular Jim Beam label, you're just a drunk.

Whatever happened to rationing (circa World War II)?
Oh, that's right, we know longer understand the concept of saving or making personal sacrifices. So we'll just consume roughly the same amount of alcohol (and gasoline) as before, and hope the big scary war goes away...along with our other worries.

I'll have another, bartender.

Brief Blog Hiatus

I'm going to Southern California tomorrow morning.

So that would be the best time to rob me. I have to warn you, however, that I have little in the way of valuables...except for a Tony Gwynn rookie card.



Here's a look at upcoming topics in my blog:

Guide for Expectant Mothers: What To Name Your 1930s Baseball Player or Union Boss

How To Choose A Band Name From Housing Developments

Ten Ways To Increase Restaurant Sales

Is The Amazon Really The Longest River in South America? (The Itata River In Chile Makes Its Case)

My Plan To Make The World A Better Place...And More Compact

Later, losers!

Sexpresso - Another Term Almost As Annoying As Staycation

On my walk to and from the auto mechanic today, I noticed a coffee stand on Meridian Street in the South Hill area.
Well, actually the first thing I noticed was a bleached blond woman in a bikini. She was making a coffee drink. On my second time by the establishment, the blond had been replaced by a dark-haired woman. This latte vixen was leaning over the counter toward a man in an old hatchback, exposing her cleavage as much as possible.
The name of the stand is Hot Chick-A-Latte (clever, huh?) and it's not the only franchise in the Puget Sound that takes advantage of horny men. Cowgirls Espresso adheres to the motto "Forget what you think a barista's supposed to look like." This post-modernist philosophy has produced a semi-structured schedule* to allure customers:

Military Monday
Cowgirls Tuesday
Bikini Wednesday
School Girl Thursday (shouldn't they be in class on Thursdays? it's very naughty to miss first period Social Studies)
Fantasy Friday (will there be elves and fairies? or will there be dirty cops? probably a little too much information regarding my fantasies)

Bikini Bottom Espresso, another coffee stand chain (with locations in Tacoma, Lakewood, and Puyallup and not related to Spongebob Squarepants), promises "that our girls will leave you with a smile on your face and a tantalizing experience in your cup."

Now, I acknowledge that these sexy latte stands are providing healthy tips for industrious young women. But I would feel embarrassed to drive up and have to order a drink called a "Wet Dream." More to the point, it's now okay for me to stare at a woman's ass while she's working? This may be sending my brain the wrong message. Pretty soon, I'll be ogling a McDonald's employee's bosom while she's making my McFlurry. And next thing you know, I'm checking out the curves on the bus drivers, post office employees, and meter maids.
It's a slippery slope, my friend.
Think of the children.

But maybe some folks out there find the sound of steaming milk arousing. (Cssshshhhshshshhhshhh)
And to each his own.
(Cssshshhhshshshhhshhh)

*How about Slavery Saturdays and Satanic Sundays? I admit it would be a little harder to time shots perfectly with manacles on your wrists, or a trident in one hand.

Shot To Death By An Anarchist

Some people forget about our nation's 25th president, William McKinley. We've come to know him as the guy who preceded Teddy Roosevelt. But the truth is, McKinley was a popular leader and beloved by Americans. So loved was he, that upon his assassination, that schools, streets and babies were named after him...and a very large mountain in Alaska (Denali). The spirit of memorializing him even spread to my hometown of Tacoma. Erected in 1901, the 25-acre East Park (near the I-5 corridor overlooking the Tacoma Dome) was renamed McKinley Park. Subsequently, the neighborhood south of the park was named McKinley.

I happened to be walking through this neighborhood the other day. I had stumbled up Pacific Avenue, and I took a left down E 34th St. past Stanley & Seafort's Steak, Chop and Fish House (perched atop the hill and visible from I-5). After crossing a second bridge, I came upon a residential area. The first house on my left had a yard with two pit bulls going at each other. They were unchained, and there was no fence. Luckily, the owner was there to supervise their actions. I felt a little threatened, but continued to walk at a steady pace. The houses in the area were neither delapidated nor well-maintained. I read somewhere that activists had fought to take their neighborhood back in the last decade. It had been overrun by drug dealers and prostitution. Residents felt unsafe at night and they've rallied together to reduce crime. Local businesses have improved their facades and McKinley Park is going to receive a city-sponsored makeover. Now the newly-coined "Upper Eastside" is a great place to buy an old house. It does afford some great views of the city and the bay. As long as the Dometop Neighborhood Alliance stays strong, the McKinley area could become a model for revitalizing other areas of Tacoma.

I think Wobbly Willie would be proud. And this is the guy who annexed the Phillipines, Puerto Rico, Guam and Hawaii in one week.*

*Not true. It actually took him an entire fortnight. But give him a break! He has a tariff act named after him.

Once Again. . . West Tacoma Keeps It Real

My morning bus ride to the library included the following passengers:

(a) a teenage girl wearing a white hooded sweatshirt with spray-painted-style lettering that read: "2 CUTE 2 POSE 4 BITCH ASS HOES"

(b) a woman who was pushing an empty stroller

(c) a young man with a teardrop tattoo

The first two sightings are pretty normal, but teardrop tattoos are rare. I always assumed that teardrop tattoos meant the person had been in prison for a minimum of two years. While this is true 96.4% of the time, they usually symbolize the loss of a loved one. And get this - an empty tear means that your brother/friend has been killed OR you unsuccessfully tried to kill someone. Whereas a filled teardrop tattoo signifies that the loved has taken his/her life OR was killed, but not murdered.
If the teardrop has an empty top and a full bottom, it means the bearer has avenged the murder of a loved one. Which makes it the most badass of crying tattoos.

Keep in mind that you can get a teardrop tattoo if you killed someone while in prison OR if your BFF was killed while you're in prison. Totally different connotations - because you could be sending a message to other convicts not to mess with yo ass OR you could simply be mourning.
What eye do you pick? Depends on which crew you run with or what you think looks better.

(In Australia, teardrop tattoos were applied to accused child molesters - so an entirely different system altogether)

My Thoughts On The Elderly

On Monday, the following three events occurred:

---A frail old woman refused to order a large print edition of a book. (Am I really supposed to believe that she has perfect vision? Will reading it with normal sized print really enhance the reading experience?)
---A middle-aged woman exhibited anger when she couldn't find the nutritional guide at Wendy's. (What is she doing at a Wendy's if she wants to eat healthy?)
---An elderly woman on the phone expressed disbelief that she couldn't request a book that won't be released for four months. (The public library does not own a time machine. We do carry the book by H.G. Wells.)

What is the common denominator here?
These people are all OLD* and ACTING IRRATIONALLY.

*Let's ignore for the time being that they are all women.

Elderly people of the United States, I ask you to stop being picky and start being reasonable. When you get up from your hospital/hospice beds each morning, you need to take a deep breath and realize that your brain is slowly deteriorating. Given the fact that your mind is not working as quickly as other people, you should take some extra time to ponder the consequences of your actions. How will paying for postage stamps with a large jar of pennies affect those around you (including the already disgruntled postal employee who probably has a gun holstered near his ankle)? Will arguing about an expired coupon with a grocery clerk benefit anybody (especially the person who is waiting patiently in line to buy a single pack of gum)?
We understand that you're lonely and possibly widowed and just want someone to hear your opinion (that's what pets are for) without rolling their eyes (although I've been told that lemurs and ferrets roll their eyes on occasion, so stick with dogs and cats). But you need to pull yourself together.

When you make a decision or speak your thoughts, think about what the 1951 Ronald Reagan would do (take an acting part in the movie "Bedtime for Bonzo" with a chimpanzee co-star). Do not take cues from the 1987 Ronald Reagan (deny the Iran Contra scandal and yell angrily like a crotchety old man at a block of cement, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!")