World Leader Intros, Part Deux

Introductions for world leaders continued. In two weeks, we'll find out who will be crowned above everyone.

The Asian Leaders

Bill Bowman
Mammal Name: Genghis Khan
Highest Finish: 1st (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: Khan's empire was four times larger than the empire of Alexander the Great. Even after his death, his successors increased the size of the Mongol kingdom. Until they got to Vienna, which featured a dense fortification of harpsichords.

Sue Bowman
Name: Queen of Sheba
Highest Finish: 1st (2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: In the Hebrew biblical account, the Queen of Sheba travels to King Solomon's land to offer him gifts of gold, spices, and stones, and he reciprocated by giving her everything she desired. But that's not how she remembers him. He was actually a bit of a tightwad.

Kim
Name: Snow Leopard
Highest Finish: 1st (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: In Central Asia, the snow leopard is an endangered species partly because its skin, bones and organs are highly valued for their uses in traditional medicine. Tylenol hasn't quite caught on in Tajikistan. (I assume Kim is sticking with the same name because it worked for him last year)

The European Leaders

Robert
Name: Nero CCAG
Highest Finish: 4th (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: Nero rose to the position of Roman Emperor when his mother Agrippina poisoned his stepfather Claudius. Nero later killed his mother when she opposed his choice of a mistress, Poppaea Sabina, whom he also later murdered. This history of violence is perhaps why no one focuses on the Nero's mastery of the lyre.

Peter
Name: Silvio Berlusconi (pictured above)
Highest Finish: 1st (2006, 2007)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: In comparison to Nero, the Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi is a saint. He's only been accused of tax fraud, embezzlement, paying for sex with a minor, and bribing a judge...and well, he's still in power. So he must be innocent on all charges.

Michael Busick
Name: Pope John Paul I
Highest Finish: 7th (2006, 2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: John Paul I was truly the William Henry Harrison of popes, only lasting 33 days in his papal office. But how glorious those days were, in the summer of 1978, when Barry Gibb dominated the music charts with four No. 1 hits.

Michael Heiser
Name: Mussolini
Highest Finish: 3rd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: Known to his citizens as "Il Duce," Mussolini was a fascist leader who dreamed of bringing Italy back to glory, after the country fell into economic ruin after the First World War. Unfortunately, invading Albania and joining forces with Adolph Hitler will only get you so far.

Tom
Name: Hrothgar
Highest Finish: 3rd (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: Hrothgar was a legendary Danish king that appeared in Beowulf and many Norse sagas and poems. So I'm assuming he looked something like a Viking, with a gallant white beard and rosy cheeks. But maybe I'm thinking of the cartoon series David the Gnome, which was on Nickelodeon when I was 8 years old.

Tina (sister-in-law)
Name: Empress Theodora
Highest Finish: 2nd (2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: Before she became a Byzantine empress (on April 4th, 527 - the same date as this year's Final Four championship game), Theodora was the daughter of a bear trainer and an actress. She and her husband Justinian transformed Constantinople (Istanbul) into a modern city with aqueducts and bridges, as well as constructing the Hagia Sophia.

Bruce Treut
Name: Benito Regale
Highest Finish: 22nd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: I'm not sure who this person is. Google was no help. Could it be a second Mussolini? A character in an obscure movie or book? Maybe a sandwich? Whatever the case, it seems to helping Bruce. He's tied for 12th, which is an improvement after last year.

The African Leaders

Alison
Name: Cleopatra Last Pharoah of Egypt
Highest Finish: 2nd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: I didn't realize how much Cleopatra got around, until reading about her marriages to two pharoahs (who were also her brothers), and her relationships with Caesar and Mark Antony. But you have to understand it was a different time back then, and ruler husbands had short life expectancies.

Rick (brother)
Name: Emperor Haile Selassie
Highest Finish: 7th (2003, 2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: His name means "Might of the Trinity," and he is perceived as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ by Rastafarians. Haile Selassie's reign as the Emperor of Ethiopia began in 1930 before it was interrupted by a Mussolini-led Italian invasion. When he returned to power , he created a special place called Zion. Jah, man.

World Dream Team

In 2008 and 2010, the USA men's basketball team returned to prominence by winning a gold medal in Beijing and the World Championship in Turkey. But recent American teams haven't been nearly as dominant as the 1992 or 1994 Dream Teams. In 1992, the U.S. won each game by an average of 43.8 points (Croatia came the closest, only losing by 32 points). During those eight games, the NBA players shot 58% from the floor and Michael Jordan had 37 steals. Dream Team II, led by Shaquille O'Neal, Reggie Miller, and Dominique Wilkins, beat their opponents by an average of 37.7 points. In the 1994 gold medal game, the Americans crushed the Russians 137-91, the second most points scored by a U.S. team in international play.

The magnificence of the first two Dream Teams will never be matched, that's for sure. Well, at least not in the Olympic Games. But I can imagine a far greater force, a group that would command more respect than NBA players, and would have the power to alter history more significantly. "Impossible," you say, "what could be better than Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Larry Bird playing together as a team on the hardwood?" If you guessed a reunion of the original members of Cream, you're wrong. Trust me on this one.

What I propose is a World Leader Dream Team, made up of historical figures of unquestionable strength and resolve. Together, I believe they would destroy anyone who tried to oppose them, impose their will upon both their supporters and retractors, and possibly start a few revolutions along the way. Maybe they'd even get around to poverty and world peace. It was hard to leave Mussolini off this roster, but he just doesn't work well in a group. Here are your starters for the World Leader Dream Team, by position:

Point Guard: Nelson Mandela

He spent over 25 years in a South African prison for his political beliefs, and when he was released, he helped end apartheid and establish multi-racial democracy. Mandela also got married for the third time on his 80th birthday, so you know this guy will never stop hustling on the court. Good at setting screens and directing his teammates.

Guard: Simon Bolivar

This talented Venezuelan military leader was one of the main reasons Colombia, Peru, Panama, Ecuador and much of South America gain independence from Spain. Oh yeah, and in 1825, people named a country after him. Expert defender and liberator of basketballs.

Small Forward: Catherine The Great

Not just anyone can extend serfdom to parts of Ukraine. During her 34-year reign, she went to war with the Ottoman Empire and expanded Russia's control of the Baltics and the Middle East. She even encouraged exploration of Alaska. Very useful post player.

Power Forward: Henry V

I never read the Shakespeare play. It probably wasn't as tragic as Othello. This battle-tested veteran, however, did lead a successful attack on Normandy and many parts of France. Henry V is most famous for the Battle of Agincourt (1415), where his outnumbered, exhausted army routed the French, thanks to the English longbow. So be careful when he steps out to the perimeter. With his deadly three point accuracy, he can shred a weak zone defense.

Center: Ghengis Khan

Today, you see his face on Mongolian banknotes and Kazakhstan coins, and you probably think of him as a conquering invader of China and Central Asia. But he was a uniter, not a divider. Khan made of confederation of all the tribes on the Mongol steppes...and then he went about taking all the territory that spanned the Silk Road, from the Black Sea to the Pacific Ocean. Good luck trying to stop him in the paint.

Reserves: Chiang Kai-shek, Joan of Arc, Andrew Jackson, Ramses II, Prince Henry the Navigator, Benazir Bhutto

The Fearless #12 Seeds

Remember Cornell's improbable run to the Sweet Sixteen last year? An Ivy League team totally obliterated Temple (the Atlantic 10 champion) and Big Ten powerhouse Wisconsin in the first two rounds. Well, it wasn't that improbable. Since 1985, the No. 12 seeds have beaten the No. 5 seeds 33.7% of the time. I feel like I keep recycling this fact every year of my commissionership, but it still astounds me that #5 seeds perform so poorly. In every NCAA tournament, it's pretty much guaranteed that one or two #12 underdogs will prevail. In your bracket, you have five possible 5-12 upset scenarios (because there is a play-in game between UAB/Clemson for the chance to play #5 West Virginia). So, who do you pick?

I think the key to predicting these games, like any other first round games, is evaluating the quality of coaching and team leadership. In 2004, Manhattan knocked off Florida in the first round on the back of senior guard Luis Flores, who scored 26 points en route to a 15-point victory. Flores, the nation's third leading scorer that year, attacked the Gators mercilessly from everywhere and created opportunities for his teammates. However, the Jaspers' amazing performance may also be partly attributed to great coaching. Manhattan coach Bobby Gonzalez told his players not to think about the game like an "upset," and to ignore the team name on the other jerseys. He reminded them how close they came to winning against Syracuse (the eventual champion) in the previous year, and that given another chance, they would win. You can take into account other factors, such as Florida's lackluster play in the second half of the season, and the Jaspers out-rebounding the Gators 36-26...but ultimately, Manhattan had a gifted and passionate leader on the court (Flores), and a coach who inspired his players.

(On interesting sidenote, Bobby Gonzalez was fired from Seton Hall in 2010 after a first round game in the NIT, in which one of his players punched an opposing player in the groin and the coach received his 7th technical foul of the season...so maybe, in that case, he inspired his players to play too aggressively. Luis Flores, by the way, is playing for a Ukrainian team, BC Donetsk, after an unsuccessful stint in the NBA.)

So, given our recent history lesson, do Richmond, Utah State, Memphis, and UAB or Clemson have the tools to pull off wins over the #5 seeds? Out of these 5 teams, Richmond, Utah State, and Clemson all suffered first-round losses last year in March Madness, so their players have been on the big stage before. UAB and Richmond both have senior players who score 17+ points per game, in guard Jamarr Sanders and forward Justin Harper, respectively. Richmond's Harper is a special player who can score and rebound in the paint and shoot threes (46% from beyond the arc, and 54% FG overall). Utah State and Memphis feature more balanced attacks, with scoring distributed more evenly among the players. More offensive options should be a good thing, right? Yes, in theory...but time and time again, we see stars like Stephen Curry of Davidson lighting up the scoreboards and carrying their teams to victory. I'll go ahead and make the argument that in tournament play, you'd rather have one great player than a bunch of good players...because great coaching should be able to squeeze more out of an adequate supporting cast, whereas a marquis player is essential and harder to come by. In terms of coaching, Utah State has the edge. In 11 seasons, Aggies coach Stew Morrill has led his team to at least 23 wins every season but one (21 in 2008), and Utah State has been in the NIT or NCAA tournament every year he's been on the sidelines.

Whoa...I'm overwhelmed by all the information I've been digging up. Look, just take Richmond as your upset pick. It's what all the pundits and sportswriters say, and I happen to agree with them. Now that I've overanalyzed these first round matchups, I've left little time to study who actually will win the NCAA championship. Oh well, there are only really three teams to choose from - the Dukies, the Buckeyes, and the Jayhawks. Right?

Book Smarts

Tomorrow we find out who will represent the Ivy League in the NCAA tournament. Harvard and Princeton will have a one-game playoff at Yale University, of all places. According to Joe Lunardi of ESPN, the teams are playing for a No. 13 seed. That's right - Harvard and Princeton, the No. 1 and No. 2 national universities in US News World and Report's 2011 rankings, are fighting for a double-digit seed in the big dance. I know the NCAA tournament selection committee does not consider graduation and retention rates of colleges when determining where to place teams, nor does it evaluate student selectivity (standard SAT scores for Harvard and Princeton freshmen usually range from 1390-1580).

But how would the brackets look if they were based on academic rankings? Based on U.S. World News and Report's findings, out of the teams heading to the tournament, here's who would capture No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 and No. 4 seeds. This, of course, is an alternate universe where educational excellence is valued over athletics (and the sports entertainment industry and merchandising and television licensing). And I'm not saying I want to see a group of guys from MIT play a pick-up game. I just thought it would be interesting to see the brackets re-organized in this fashion. Next to each university is its overall score in USNW&R.

East Region - No. 1: Harvard/Princeton (100)

Southwest Region - No. 1: Notre Dame (78)

Southeast Region - No. 1: Duke (90)

West Region - No. 1: Vanderbilt (80)

East Region - No. 2: Georgetown (74)

Southwest Region - No. 2: Michigan (71)

Southeast Region - No. 2: North Carolina (70)

West Region - No. 2: UCLA (73)

East Region - No. 3: Boston College (63)

Southwest Region - No. 3: Illinois (61)

Southeast Region - No. 3: Wisconsin (61)

West Region - No. 3: Washington (59)

East Region - No. 4: Pittsburgh (52)

Southwest Region - No. 4: Texas (57)

Southeast Region - No. 4: Florida (57)

West Region - No. 4: Ohio State (53)

So it's not surprising that all of the No. 1 seeds are private universities, in this little experiment. However, there are a ton of great state schools. In closing, I would really like to see a Johns Hopkins get a Division I men's basketball team, despite a couple of weak showings against Swarthmore and Ursinus this year.

Goin' Back In Time

If you follow South Carolina college basketball as closely as I do (and I'm not just talking about the Gamecocks), you know that the Wofford Terriers made their way back into the NCAA men's tournament. Last year, the Terriers lost in the first round as a No. 13 seed to the Wisconsin Badgers by four points. This year, Wofford is projected as a No. 15 seed. So the chances they're going to move on to the second round are slim. But Wofford still gets an award for "most questionable pronounciation." Does the first syllable sound like the "wa" in "waffles?" Or is it a "woe" or "woo" sound? Probably depends on what region of the country you hail from...

Wofford does have one of the cuter live mascots: Blitz II, a Boston Terrier (pictured here with Boss, the costume mascot). The only other tournament-bound pet that rivals Blitz II in terms of adorability is Rocky, the UNC-Asheville Bulldog.

Before we get a chance to fill out our brackets for 2011, let's take a look back...all the way back to 2010. (Here's a link showing last year's results, in case you're curious).

Could the 2010 tourney darlings contend for the crown again in 2011?

Last year's Elite Eight featured two SEC teams and two Big 12 teams, and none of them made the Final Four. As of right now, all of the final eight teams in 2010 are probably making the tournament this year, except for Baylor. Here's a quick snapshot of each team:

Duke

2011: 27-4

How did the Blue Devils move on without their team captain (and points and assists leader) John Scheyer? They still have guard Nolan Smith, who is the 11th leading scorer in the nation. Plus Kyle Singler is averaging 17 points per game and those meddlesome Plumlee brothers are still throwing their weight around in the paint.

Butler

2011: 22-9

The Bulldogs won't go away. At least not yet. Butler lost to rival Milwaukee twice during the season, but was able to beat them in the Horizon Conference tournament to clinch a postseason berth. They've got loads of experience and two capable playmakers (Howard and Mack).

West Virginia

2011: 20-10

The Mountaineers have maintained a stingy defense, allowing 64 points per game. They also rank 6th in three-point FG defense. This team includes five seniors, and a man whose first name is Truck (Bryant).

Michigan State

2011: 17-13

Everyone, including myself, thought the Spartans were headed back to the Final Four. But they'll be lucky if they get a tournament invite. A first round loss to Iowa in the Big Ten tourney will put them in the NIT.

Tennessee

2011: 18-13

The Volunteers are ridiculously inconsistent. Earlier this season, they beat #7 Pitt, and then managed to score only 48 points in a loss to the University of Charlotte. Might have something to do with the coaching duties being split between suspended coach Bruce Pearl and associate coach Tony Jones.

Kansas State

2011: 22-9

The most frightening head coach in basketball, Frank Martin, will hurt me if I say anything bad about the #19 Wildcats. KSU has won 8 out of its last 9 games, including three wins against ranked teams.

Kentucky

2011: 22-8

The three leading scorers on Calipari's squad are freshmen. And I imagine they'll be joining John Wall in the NBA very soon. So don't get used to Terrence Jones in a blue jersey. A teenager from New Jersey named Michael Gilchrist is already in line to replace him at power forward. You'll know his name next year.

Baylor

2011: 18-12

The Bears lost to Texas Tech, Iowa State, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State this season. Those are the worst teams in the Big 12, just so you know. Their quality wins against Texas A&M won't save them.

Done With Alacrity!

Don't know if anyone noticed (probably not), but I picked the Elite Eight game results perfectly based on strengths of the team mascots. I knew there was a science to March Madness. I just didn't know someone with a Bachelor of Arts degree and Master's degree (like myself) could understand it. Turns out you don't need a Ph.D. in bracketology. You just need the ability to analyze anthropomorphized characters wearing synthetic fur.
Like any true scientist, I need to test my hypothesis again to make sure it's valid. Let's give it another shot. By Monday, we'll know if I can submit my research to an academic journal.

Final Four Semifinals
Hink the Bulldog (Butler) vs. Sparty (Michigan State)
Sparty's state-of-the-art costume, consisting of fiberglass molds and a vinyl chest plate, costs $8,000. In this formal attire, the jolly green giant supports Michigan State athletes and fans in many ways, including weddings and barmitzvahs. You don't have to be at a sports event to party with Sparty.
But I should mention that Hink is not the only mascot at Butler. There's Butler Blue II (pictured above with Colin Powell), a six year-old bulldog that runs onto the court before home games. If the NCAA Final Four officials allow him to run loose, so will the basketball team.
Edge: Hink and Butler Blue II. They only have to travel 5.7 miles from the Butler campus to Lucas Oil Stadium. Heck, they could even take public transportation. Indianapolis does have a bus system, right?

The Mountaineer (West Virginia) vs. The Blue Devil (Duke)
Both mascots have a long history of cheering on athletes and cheering up fans. Mountaineer men and women have been supporting West Virginia (in costume) since the 1934-35 season. The only lapse in their service to fans was during 1943 and 1944, when I assume the Mountaineer was abroad fighting the Axis powers. The Blue Devil made its first appearance at a football game in 1929. In the early years, it looked like a court jester with horns.
Edge: The Mountaineer. A man versus a devil doesn't seem like a fair fight. But this reminds me eerily of "The Devil and Daniel Webster."

NCAA Championship Final
Hink and Butler Blue II vs. The Mountaineer
Edge: The Mountaineer. I want to apologize for suggesting in an earlier post that The Mountaineer was a man. For the entire 2009-10 season, The Mountaineer is Rebecca Durst (next year, it's Brock Burwell). A pretty woman in buckskins versus a cute little dog? Rebecca wins by a nose.

Now that I have it all figured out, please excuse me. I need to call my bookie.

Most Unattractive, But Beneficial

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This is a saying that I learned growing up. I think it means that you should respect others, even if they're complete jerks.
But, over the past thirty years, I've also learned that roasting people is fun, and it can help strengthen their character. So I (re)introduce to you the six people who are at the bottom of the standings in the March Madness pool. For them, upward mobility is not an option.
I've attributed a Bill Raftery quote to each one of these players (Rafferty, in case you aren't familiar, is a colorful CBS commentator who uses certain terms to describe plays and they don't make much sense - much like the losers' brackets).

(going) Commando
Points: 44
What went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little lingerie on the deck with the blow-by!"

Wombats of Doom
Points: 45
What pick went wrong: Pitt in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little ricochet romance!"

YelloDog1
Points: 54
What pick went wrong: Louisville in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "Get the puppies set!"

The Sly Fox
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Georgetown in the Elite Eight (ditto)
Rafferty quote: "Onions!"

Snarkopotamus
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Oklahoma State in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "We got a little nickel-dimer here!"

Albino Rhino
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "The vegetable cart!"

As you can see in the picture above, Charles' Cougar bottle opener has moved on from Japan. Last night, it was spotted underwater near the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. The area is the deepest known part of the world's oceans. How fast the Washington State Cougars have sunk since the 2003 Football season and their Holiday Bowl win.
No, it's not a sweater I wore to a nautical-themed party. I can't believe what you're insinuating.
Stay tuned for the next stop in "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

Last Cat Standing

The snow leopard is equipped with thick fur (1-3 inches) to cope with the cold temperatures of the Central Asian mountains. Its spots serve as camoflauge while stalking sheep, deer, boar and rodents. This week, you can add other mammals to his list of prey, including Albino Rhino, Babirusa, and Snarkopotamus (past champions).
That's right, Snow Leopard a.k.a. Kim, has leaped up to the top of the standings, clawing through other people's brackets as he scaled the heights. In order to win the March Madness Pool Championship outright, he only needs one more game to go his way. If Duke beats West Virginia, Snow Leopard will be Top Mammal...and he will be donating the pool proceeds to a charity of his choice.

But let's not overlook the other competitors vying for the prize. There's Steve Liday, who boldly picked West Virginia to win it all...and then there's me, the Nonsensical Nutria - the unlikeliest victor in the March Madness mess. Steve needs West Virginia to win both Final Four games. I need West Virginia to win the first game, and then the Mountaineers need to lose to either Butler or Michigan State in the final.
So who does Fortune (or God or Allah) favor?
The person who's been dominating the field and leads by seven points (and picked Butler to reach the Final Four)?
The person who went out on a limb and chose a #2 seed to win the crown?
Or the person (moi) who is getting incredibly lucky?

Saturday's games will certainly be exciting.

...And now, let's check out the latest stop in "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" Last time we checked in with the Wazzu opener, it was loitering in front of a Lenin statue in Moscow. As of Tuesday, it was hanging out in Land of the Rising Sun. You can tell the Cougar bottle opener is in Japan, because of the geishas, origami crane, and the Buddhist shrine. I know what you're thinking - that this is just a random collection of Asian knick-knacks, and that it's a staged photo. Well, I'm pretty insulted that you'd say that.
The good news is: I've heard that Charles' bottle opener is on its way back to America. Can't wait to see where it ends up next, and if it will return to the Chuckman's kitchen drawer in some sort of workable condition.

The Ego Of Omar Samhan

During the March Madness tournament, I've been rooting for St. Mary's College to pull off the upsets. I like to see mid-major teams out-shoot, out-rebound, and out-hustle the favorites. However, I'm not sure how to feel about the Gaels' star center, Omar Samhan.

He talks about himself in the third person and has a self-proclaimed nickname - "The Beast." The nickname is tattooed on the inside of his lower lip (?). Samhan reminds me a little of Shaquille O'Neal, minus the comedic value. On a Gonzaga fan board, one hater evaluated Samhan like so: "Start with Charles Barkley. Add a few inches and a lot of weight. Remove 70% talent and 80% cleverness."

One of the reasons he annoys me is that he doesn't try to hide his cockiness, nor his pleasure at beating opponents. After St. Mary's beat Gonzaga in the WCC tournament, he said, "I always said I wanted to get the last laugh against the Zags...and I'm laughing now." In a recent blog video, Samhan mocks his friend's bracket for picking Villanova in the Sweet Sixteen. He holds up the piece of paper in front of the camera and throws it in the air, saying, "doesn't look like that's going to be happening." He's even trash-talked bracketologist Joe Lunardi. In all of the video clips, Samham comes off as a braggart with his toothy smile.

I have to remind myself that he's only 22 years old and still has some growing up to do. I also have to remember that he's scored 30 points a game in the first two rounds. So he has the talent to back up his talk. On top of that, he has praised the efforts of his teammates, for their shooting ability and for making him a better player.
But now that I know he's going to be a 2nd round draft pick in the NBA, I hope he goes to a team I don't like. I'm a fan of players who are modest and let their playing speak for itself, like Ray Allen and Stephen Curry. I could easily see Samhan in a Lakers jersey. Wherever he goes, I will love hating his chin facial hair.
Seeing how much he loves the big stage and promoting himself, I fear that someday he'll become an ESPN basketball analyst.
For now, I hope that Baylor beats St. Mary's and puts an end to Samhan's press conferences.

If you have opposite feelings about the "Beast" - if you absolutely love his personality - you can keep track of him on Twitter, of course. And girls, I'm sorry. His Facebook status indicates he's in a relationship.

March Mammals, Part One

Now to introduce the various players of the 9th Annual Player's Club Invitational, starting with the people native to the Pacific Northwest. I applaud everyone's creativity in choosing a mammal that best represents his or her spirit.

Rick (brother)
Mammal Name: Baby Beluga
Highest Finish: 7th (2003)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Baby Belugas are born black to bluish. After about five years, they gain their white creamy color. [Insert Michael Jackson joke here] The beluga is listed as an endangered species in Alaska.
A group of belugas is called a pod.

Tina (sister-in-law)
Mammal Name: Sly Fox
Highest Finish: 2nd (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Red foxes communicate to other scavenging foxes with their urine. By smelling the urine, foxes can tell if the site is worth their attention or if they should move elsewhere. Foxes prefer free-range chickens and organically-grown vegetables.
A group of foxes is called a leash or a skulk.

Brian
Mammal Name: Stupid Lazy Squirrel Monkeys
Highest Finish: 2nd (2005)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The main predators of squirrel monkeys (that weigh 1-3 lbs.) are eagles and hawks. These monkeys are not all that lazy - they're constantly foraging for fruit and insects. But they are pretty stupid. They don't even know how to play checkers.
A group of monkeys is called a barrel. It's not just a game.

Robert
Mammal Name: Wombats of Doom
Highest Finish: 4th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Like other marsupials, female wombats have pouches, except they face backwards. Even though they are short, stocky animals, wombats can run up to 25 mph AND THEY STOP FOR NO ONE!
A group of wombats is called a wisdom.

Me (or "Unkie Jam Jam," as my dog knows me)
Mammal Name: Nonsensical Nutria
Highest Finish: 1st (2002, 2004)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: A nutria is like a small beaver, except awesome. With their reddish incisor teeth, they've managed to ruin marshland ecosystems in Louisiana and the Chesapeake Bay. Way to go, invasive species!
A group of nutria is called a colony.

Charles
Mammal Name: George W. Bushy-tailed Olingo (pictured above)
Highest Finish: 9th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Olingos live in trees, stay up late at night and eat small mammals and birds. Despite being known as fiscally conservative, olingos vote on increases in military spending year after year.
I couldn't find what a group of olingos is called, but a group of kinkajous (similar animals) is called a troop.

Steve
Mammal Name: Steve Liday
Highest Finish: 9th (2003)
2010 Champion Pick: West Virginia
Fun Facts: Steve is horrible at both Jenga and Boggle.
A group of Steves is called a bevy.

Steve, Sr.
Mammal Name: Oregon Giraffe
Highest Finish: 10th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The giraffe is the tallest land mammal. That means, when a female gives birth, the baby giraffe falls more than five feet to the ground. Ouch.
A group of giraffes is called a tower.

Brock
Mammal Name: Pennywise
Highest Finish: 1st (2005)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: I can't provide fun facts about fictional clowns. Change your name, Brock Poe.
A group of Brocks is called a mob.

Michael Busick
Mammal Name: Dynomutt, Wonder Dog
Highest Finish: 7th (2006, 2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Dynomutt teamed up with Blue Falcon in the 1970s to fight crime on television. Officially classified as Hannah Barberis canus robotus.
A group of wonder dogs is called a "cyberpack."

Dr. Ron
Mammal Name: (going) Commando
Highest Finish: 6th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: If you're going to stick with a Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, you could have at least chosen "Predator."
A group of commandos is called a regiment.

Player introductions continue this weekend. Stay tuned...

You Play To Lose The Game

Today's play-in game between Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Winthrop is a great opportunity for both teams. The Golden Lions and the Eagles made the postseason despite finishing second and third in their leagues (SWAC and Big South). By winning their conference tournaments, they get to face off against each other at Dayton Arena for a chance to move into the field of 64. What's at stake: a ticket to Jacksonville to play No. 1 seed Duke. Considering that a No. 16 seed has never beat a No. 1 seed in tournament play, it's like an amateur getting a shot at playing against Tiger Woods in match play.

On the other hand, playing against Duke in a NCAA tournament has to be a big rush for these players. Winthrop started out the season 5-9, while Arkansas Pine-Bluff got off an 0-11 start. The Golden Lions didn't even have a record above .500 until the conference tournament. The fact that both of these teams are still technically in the running for a NCAA championship is pretty amazing.

What is the significance of the play-in game? The first opening round game was played in 2001. It was created after the formation of the Mountain West Conference in 1999. When the NCAA decided to grant the winner of the Mountain West tournament an automatic bid, that pushed the automatic berths up to 31. Rather than reduce the number of at-large bids (34), it added an extra game. The opening round game has always been hosted by the University of Dayton. (Currently, there is discussion of expanding the field to 72 or 96, and thus creating more play-in games, and generating more revenue for the NCAA)

This is the second play-in game for the Winthrop Eagles, who were on the losing side in 2001. The Eagles, however, won a first round game against Notre Dame in 2007 (witnessed by me in Spokane). They also returned to the tourney the following year, and got beat by Washington State. Senior forward Mantoris Robinson was a member of both teams. When will a No. 16 seed beat a No. 1 seed? Probably not this year, but it's not an impossible feat.

Regardless of what happens in the play-in game, it has to be more exciting than the College Basketball Invitational, now in its third year. The CBI is a third-rate tournament, featuring sixteen teams that couldn't make the NIT. You have to question the quality of a tournament that crowned Oregon State as its champion last year (no disrespect intended to the President's brother-in-law, who coaches the Beavers). Not to mention that the tournament can't draw enough fans to host its games on neutral sites. Unless you've always wanted to see a matchup between Morehead State and Colorado State, you'd probably agree with me that the CBI is not good for college basketball. It reminds me of the 2009 Insight Bowl, played between two 6-6 football teams (Minnesota lost to Iowa State in a thriller, 14-13).

The Beavers earn a CBI berth by finishing 14-17? That's just shameful.

Rise Of The Rodents

I can't believe I'm dedicating an entire post to my name change in a March Madness pool.

But here I am.
I'm doing it in the interest of ...my self interests.

Plus it's good practice for evaluating contending teams and how they match up against each other. You can't play favorites when you're making bracket picks. Regardless of who you like, you need to understand who has the tools and the motivation to succeed in a high-pressure environment.

A week ago, my team name (this year's theme is mammals) was The Mighty Platypi. I was too hasty to pick a mammal with a duck bill, given my affinity for the University of Oregon. A few days later, I chose the Nonsensical Nutria. Let's take a look at the comparison of these animals.

Platypus
Species: Ornithorhynchus anatinus
Diet: Carnivore (insects, larvae, shellfish, worms)
Size: 3 lbs.
Lifespan: 12 years
Threats: snakes, goannas, rats, foxes, man
Pros: A platypus navigates exceptionally well through water with webbed feet and a beaver-like tail. Male platypi have venomous stingers on their back heels. Poison from these stingers can kill a dingo!
Cons: Species equipped with a duck bill instead of teeth, and a platypus hunts solely underwater (where it can hold its breath for a meager minute or two). It has only thrived on one continent (Australia, which is more like a big island). The platypus lays eggs, which seems like a questionable way to go about being a mammal. When the eggs hatch, the babies are blind, hairless, and ugly. The males are deadbeats when it comes to raising their young (reminding me unpleasantly of the MTV show "16 & Pregnant").

Nutria
Species: Myocastor coypus
Diet: Omnivore (plants, roots, snails, mussels)
Size: 15 to 22 lbs.
Lifespan: 8-10 years
Threats: coyotes, dogs, man (young are vulnerable to owls, hawks, eagles, foxes)
Pros: These semi-aquatic animals are excellent swimmers who can stay underwater for up to five minutes. When born, baby nutria are fully furred. Young nutria sometimes nurse as their mothers swim - talk about multi-tasking! Nutria are social animals and they live in groups called "colonies." They are native to South America, but have successfully adapted to life in Europe, Asia, Africa and North America (particularly Oregon and Washington state). Nutria are generally resented by other species in new habitats, because they overharvest edible plants and don't leave much vegetation. But can you really fault these creatures for being good at eating?
Cons: Nutria aren't good-looking (pictured above).

Remember, it's okay to change your mind. I thought platypi were pretty cute, but I now know that they don't have what it takes. Nutria are better web-footed, burrowing animals.
In a few days, I'll explain which team will take home the NCAA men's basketball title. After people have made their picks, of course...

They're Multiplying!!!

When I was watching the Duke game this weekend, I noticed two Blue Devil jerseys with the name "Plumlee." It just so happens that a pair of brothers, Miles (Sophomore) and Mason (Freshman), play for Coach K. And they have a younger taller brother, Marshall, who is considering going to Duke. Ahhhh!!! Attack of the rebounding white guys!

Miles was originally committed to Stanford, and strangely enough, he would have played with the Lopez brothers (Brook and Robin). But when Stanford's head coach Trent Johnson left for LSU, Miles decided to go to Duke, where his younger brother Mason had committed to play. The brothers have similar roles in the Blue Devils' rotation: to substitute for starters Kyle Singler and Brian Zoubek, or whenever Coach K wants to clog up the paint. Crash the boards, block and commit fouls when necessary.

Sophomore Miles averages 16.8 minutes, 5.6 points, and 5.2 rebounds per game. Freshman Miles has similar numbers. When Zoubek and forward Lance Thomas graduate this year, both brothers could move into starting roles for Duke. As high schoolers, Miles and Mason helped Christ School compile a 63-6 record and they won two state championships. Their younger brother Marshall also attends Christ School, an all-male boarding school in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

If pro basketball doesn't work out for these fellows, I think they should open a family restaurant called "Plumlee Brothers' French Toast House." Because if there can be waffle and pancake houses, why can't french toast get in on the fun?

What's even weirder - the Atlantic Coast Conference has two more pairs of brothers on the North Carolina and Clemson's men's basketball teams. Travis and David Wear play for the Tarheels, while Trevor and Devin Booker play for the Tigers.

(I strongly urge you to become a fan of The Plumlee Brothers on Facebook)

Panther Pride

In March Madness, there is a lot of hype surrounding No. 1 seeds. True, a No. 1 seed has won the championship seven out of the last ten years. In three of those years, however, one #2 seed (UConn, 2004) and two #3 seeds (Syracuse, 2003, and Florida, 2006 have brought home the title. Which lower-seeded squads are worthy of making a run to the Final Four?

Today, I'll profile a Big East team that always causes problems in my brackets. Today, this team secured the #3 seed in the West Region. Nicknamed the Panthers, they make their home in the city of Pittsburgh - which is a lot like Detroit, except with a competitive football team, and not as dependent on the American auto industry.

As a No. 1 seed in the 2009 NCAA Tournament, the Panthers lost to Villanova by two points in the Elite Eight. Over the last eight years, the University of Pittsburgh has made the Sweet Sixteen six times. A pretty good track record, except that Pitt never gets farther than the third round (except for last year). Pitt returns only one starter from last year, senior guard Jermaine Dixon (after losing DeJuan Blair (Spurs) and Sam Young (Grizzlies) to the NBA Draft). This year, the Panthers are led by guard Ashton Gibbs and assist-maker Brad Wannamaker. Over the years, Pitt has been known for its stifling defense and its average offense. This season is no different. The Panthers are averaging 68.8 points on offense and they allow 61.7 points per game. What's disconcerting is that the Panthers scored 77.4 points per game last year. The team's field goal percentage is also down, from 47.9% in 2009 to 44.7% in 2010. Can Pitt put enough points on the board to go far in the tourney? History says No. Defense alone can't win championships.

Coincidentally, Pittsburgh is the latest stop on the world tour of Charles' bottle opener. It's a feature I like to call "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" If you're unfamiliar with how I stole my friend's beer cap remover, I simply took it out of his silverware drawer when I was helping him move into a new condo. I pilfered the bottle opener because it plays the Washington State fight song. Part of my reason for doing this is showing Charles all the places he could go if his heart desired. But mostly I hate that bottle opener.

Which reminds me...Washington State lost to Oregon in the opening round of the Pac-10 Tournament on Wednesday night, 82-80 in OT. The picture above (near the dilapidated steel mills of Pittsburgh) is dedicated to the Cougs' loss, and their terrible play in general. Mind you, Washington State got the No. 9 seed in the conference tourney only because USC is suspended from postseason play. Let's not forget that Wazzu is the worst team in the Pac-10 in both basketball and football. Let us never forget.

I'll go ahead and provide Charles' rebuke to my last statement: "At least Cougars aren't stealing laptops from frat boys" (in reference to the Duck's football team antics off the field). To which I would say, "I can't really judge Masoli's behavior too much...since I steal bottle openers from my friends."

Big Toe

Last year, when I was making my picks, I didn't take North Carolina as my champion because Guard Ty Lawson (the second highest scorer behind Hansbrough) had an injured big toe. This was a huge mistake, as he recovered and UNC went on a rampage. The closest game for the Tarheels was in the Regional Final versus Oklahoma, and they won that contest by 12 points.

I'm not going to overreact this year to minor injuries.
It will destroy my bracket.
Here's some injuries that I will just ignore, and trust that each team is deep enough to absorb them or that the players will magically heal:

Arinze Onuaku, starting center for Syracuse, injured his right leg in a losing effort today against Georgetown (he's not a good free throw shooter (43%), so maybe they're better off)

Robbie Hummel, Purdue's second leading scorer, is out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL

Center Max Zhang (collapsed lung) and guard Jorge Gutierrez (sprained ankle) may both not be playing for California today in their Pac-10 Tournament opener (against the mighty Oregon Ducks)

Virginia Tech starters Dorenzo Hudson and Jeff Allen are probable tomorrow against Miami with foot and shoulder injuries

Starting Louisville guard Jerry Smith did not play in the tournament game against Cincinnati because of a hand injury.

UNLV guard Derrick Jasper, who averages over 25 minutes per game, is out indefinitely with a knee injury.

Star forward Trevor Booker of Clemson suffered a cut above his right eye in the last game against Wake Forest, but hopefully the bandage will hold.

Mangisto Arop, reserve forward for #14 Gonzaga, had surgery to repair a broken foot and will be out for the season. He likes to be called Manny, by the way.

Just to reiterate, the teams in bold letters will probably not be affected much by these injuries. Or maybe they will. Don't think about it too much. It might cloud your judgment. Go with your heart, or gut...or whatever body part.

2010 Kevin Pittsnogle All-American Names

By far, the best thing about attending a rollerderby event is watching the women on rollerskates shove each other to the ground. I won't go into the rules of rollerderby, except to say that points are rewarded to the speediest and strongest team. The crowd, for the most part, is not concerned with the score. Spectators are fixated on watching women push and jostle for position and occasionally throw their shoulders into each other. It's fun to watch people racing quickly around an oval, but it's more fun to watch people fall down.
The second best thing about Rat City Rollergirls, the Seattle women's rollerderby league, is the names of the competitors. Last night, when they introduced the women players before the bouts, it reminded me a lot of professional wrestling. While the women are certainly talented skaters and athletes, they definitely see their sport as entertainment.
On Saturday night, I was rooting for the team "Grave Danger," because my friend Charles knows a skater on the team. In addition, I appreciated their uniforms, which featured red tops (that simulate dripping blood) and either fishnet stockings or knee high socks. One thing all the members had in common was a bad-ass name that fits in with the team's "hellish" theme. My favorite monikers included: Bruise Lee, Carmen Getsome, Iron Megan, Katarina Whip, Sara Problem, and Nikole Plated.
I have to admit that these made-up nicknames make it more fun to cheer on the players. I would say the same thing about any sport. If someone has a cool name (like Coco Crisp, Chili Davis, Oil Can Boyd, or Mookie Blaylock), I like them immediately. College basketball is no different. I genuinely appreciate the creativeness of athletes' parents, unless it involves weird misspellings. Without further adieu, I present to you the best names of the year in men's college basketball:

First Team

Tweety Carter (Guard, Baylor)
Jimmer Fredette (Guard, BYU)
Festus Ezeli (Center, Vanderbilt)
Scootie Randall (Forward, Temple)
Tiny Gallon (Forward, Oklahoma)

Second Team

Korie Lucious (Guard, Michigan State)
Skylar McBee (Guard, Tennessee)
Wquinton Smith (Guard, Wisconsin)
Avery Jukes (Forward, Butler)
Bol Kong (Forward, Gonzaga)

Best player with most boring name: John Wall (Guard, Kentucky)

Getting To Know Your Private Schools

As commissioner of an annual March Madness pool, I like to entertain and make things fun for participants. But a secondary function of my job is education.


What is your IQ when it comes to identifying the locations of colleges in the United States? Do you know if it's a religious school or a progressive liberal arts institution?

Let's begin with a more specific question:
Where is Sam Houston State University located?

If you guessed Houston, you're wrong.
It's Huntsville.
See? You clearly need my help.

Today I'm going to introduce you to three private universities (that are probably sending men's teams to the tournament) and tell you how they got their names. Indulge my love of history for a few moments...

Baylor University
Location: Waco, Texas
Name Origin: The university is named after Robert Emmett Bledsoe (R.E.B.) Baylor, a Baptist leader, Congressman, lawyer, judge and veteran of The War of 1812. Shortly after converting to Baptism in 1839, he left Alabama to establish a school in Texas. R.E.B. was later appointed as a judge in the Republic of Texas and helped write the state constitution after annexation. He founded the university (1945) as well as many Baptist organizations. Please don't draw any conclusions from the facts that Baylor never married and died in a town called Gay Hill. He was a good Christian man.

Xavier University
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Name Origin: St. Francis Xavier was one of the seven founders of the Jesuit religious order in 1534. He grew up in Spain and eventually became chummy with St. Ignatius Loyola (another college namesake) while studying in Paris. In 1540, the Society of Jesus received papal approval, and the Catholic Church permitted the order to travel to Jerusalem and beyond to spread the Gospel. Xavier's charitable and evangelical work took him to Portugal, Mozambique, India, Japan and various islands in Southeast Asia. By the time he died on the island of Sancian (off the coast of China) in 1552, Xavier had definitely set the standard for missionary zeal. Can the Musketeers do the same for basketball excellence?
*Interesting note: Xavier has two mascots - D'Artagnan and The Blue Blob (pictured above).

Marquette University
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Name Origin: Like Xavier, Father Jacques Marquette was a Jesuit priest. However, this Frenchman set his missionary sights on Canada, or what was known then as New France. While stationed in Quebec and the Great Lakes area, he preached to Native Americans and learned the Algonquin and Huron languages. In 1673, Marquette accompanied Louis Jolliet on an expedition to map the Mississippi River (where they met the friendly Illini). They hoped that the river led to the Pacific Ocean, but discovered it flowed toward the Gulf of Mexico. Fearing hostile tribes with guns and the despicable Spanish, the explorers turned back before reaching the Mississippi's terminus. Marquette succumbed to dysentery over a year later.

Combined NCAA Men's Basketball Championships from these private institutions: 1
The Marquette Golden Eagles won it all in 1977.

But don't count private universities out in your brackets!
Syracuse won in 2003, and Villanova and Georgetown took home titles in the 80's.

Now...don't you feel smarter after reading this?

Sleeper, Cinderella, Upset

...three words that re-enter the vocabulary this time of year.

When March Madness rolls around, everyone filling out a bracket wants to know:
Which low-seeded team or relative unknown is going to bust through to the Sweet Sixteen? Or farther?

You recognize the major conference teams in contention for the title, like Duke, Michigan State, Kansas, and Kentucky. And, if you've been paying attention, you know that North Carolina is not going to repeat this year. The Tarheels aren't even going to make the tournament. You can probably count UConn out, too. But, big contenders aside, who else should you know about? I'm going to tell you about four teams that often don't make a splash in the tournament. However, they were all ranked in the top 25 this year, and they already have guaranteed spots in the Big Dance.

Let's start with the #24 UTEP (22-5). The Miners have not won a NCAA tournament game since 1992. This year, the team has only dropped one game in Conference USA play. UTEP has five players that average over 10 points per game. Derrick Caracter, the team's second leading scorer, is a junior transfer from Louisville who's discovered gold, so to speak, in El Paso. The Miners have won 12 straight.

The next team that might make some noise is the Big Red. Straight out of Ithaca, New York, Cornell is poised to make a run. Believe it or not, this is the school's third straight appearance in the NCAA tournament. This time around, though, the Big Red has four senior starters and some impressive performances under its belt. Cornell beat Alabama and St. John's, two big conference teams. The team also lost to #2 Kansas by a mere 5 points. I think they'll get out of the first round this year.

Based on their 2009 seasons, the next two teams shouldn't be complete surprises. Both the Kansas State Wildcats and the New Mexico Lobos finished 21-11 last year and lost in the second round of the NIT. Currently, they're ranked #5 and #8, respectively.

You might remember Kansas State from a couple years ago, when it had two NBA draft picks (Michael Beasley and Bill Walker). The Wildcats beat USC in the first round of the Big Dance (destroying my bracket) before losing to Wisconsin. In 2010, K-State is once again a two-headed monster. Guards Jacob Pullen and Denis Clemente are both potent scorers (averaging 18.5 and 15.8 points a game), meaning that opposing teams will have to contain both players. On Wednesday, the Wildcats play one of their biggest games of the season - against Big 12 leader Kansas.

New Mexico has won their last 13 games, including wins over tourney-worthy teams BYU, UNLV, and San Diego State. The Lobos are led by head coach Steve Alford, who coached at Iowa for 8 years (including seven straight winning seasons) and won a national championship as a player at Indiana in 1987. How do you know he's an excellent coach? To begin with, he learned from the best - Mr. Bob Knight. Second, he's managed to propel his team to the top of the Mountain West Conference with only one senior on his roster.

THE BLOG IS BACK! (on a limited run for March Madness, pending talks with management)