The Sound of Silence

If anyone still reads this blog, I have an important update.
As you know, there has been little news regarding the Chuckman's bottle opener, which I kidnapped two months ago. I regret to inform the general public that the unpopular Wazzu bottle opener is no longer with us. After it returned to Seattle from Chicago, I was so sickened by its appearance that I promptly threw it away. It will never again play the Washington State Fight song and punish the good people who wish to drink beer at Charles' apartment. Here is a quick eulogy for the Cougar bottle opener:

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
We will never forget
How much the Cougars suck

Amen.

The Ballad Of The Cougar Bottle Opener

If you follow the national pastime, I don't have to tell you where Charles' Cougar opener landed recently. Pictured is the ivy wall of a ballpark known as "The Friendly Confines." If the Chicago Cubs are The Lovable Losers, what does that make the Washington State Cougars? I've narrowed it down to these choices and taken alliteration to a whole new level:

(a) The Amiable Asses
(b) The Friendly Failures
(c) The Copacetic Cads
(d) The Likable Lemons
(e) The Righteous Rabble
(f) The Fetching Flops

and...this one's just for Charles...
(g) The Palatable Palousers

What?
You thought the tour of "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener" was over? It's got frequent flyer miles now. It can go anywhere it pleases. With free peanuts. It has no reason to return to Charles' open arms (cue the Journey song).

Most Unattractive, But Beneficial

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This is a saying that I learned growing up. I think it means that you should respect others, even if they're complete jerks.
But, over the past thirty years, I've also learned that roasting people is fun, and it can help strengthen their character. So I (re)introduce to you the six people who are at the bottom of the standings in the March Madness pool. For them, upward mobility is not an option.
I've attributed a Bill Raftery quote to each one of these players (Rafferty, in case you aren't familiar, is a colorful CBS commentator who uses certain terms to describe plays and they don't make much sense - much like the losers' brackets).

(going) Commando
Points: 44
What went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little lingerie on the deck with the blow-by!"

Wombats of Doom
Points: 45
What pick went wrong: Pitt in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little ricochet romance!"

YelloDog1
Points: 54
What pick went wrong: Louisville in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "Get the puppies set!"

The Sly Fox
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Georgetown in the Elite Eight (ditto)
Rafferty quote: "Onions!"

Snarkopotamus
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Oklahoma State in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "We got a little nickel-dimer here!"

Albino Rhino
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "The vegetable cart!"

As you can see in the picture above, Charles' Cougar bottle opener has moved on from Japan. Last night, it was spotted underwater near the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. The area is the deepest known part of the world's oceans. How fast the Washington State Cougars have sunk since the 2003 Football season and their Holiday Bowl win.
No, it's not a sweater I wore to a nautical-themed party. I can't believe what you're insinuating.
Stay tuned for the next stop in "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

Last Cat Standing

The snow leopard is equipped with thick fur (1-3 inches) to cope with the cold temperatures of the Central Asian mountains. Its spots serve as camoflauge while stalking sheep, deer, boar and rodents. This week, you can add other mammals to his list of prey, including Albino Rhino, Babirusa, and Snarkopotamus (past champions).
That's right, Snow Leopard a.k.a. Kim, has leaped up to the top of the standings, clawing through other people's brackets as he scaled the heights. In order to win the March Madness Pool Championship outright, he only needs one more game to go his way. If Duke beats West Virginia, Snow Leopard will be Top Mammal...and he will be donating the pool proceeds to a charity of his choice.

But let's not overlook the other competitors vying for the prize. There's Steve Liday, who boldly picked West Virginia to win it all...and then there's me, the Nonsensical Nutria - the unlikeliest victor in the March Madness mess. Steve needs West Virginia to win both Final Four games. I need West Virginia to win the first game, and then the Mountaineers need to lose to either Butler or Michigan State in the final.
So who does Fortune (or God or Allah) favor?
The person who's been dominating the field and leads by seven points (and picked Butler to reach the Final Four)?
The person who went out on a limb and chose a #2 seed to win the crown?
Or the person (moi) who is getting incredibly lucky?

Saturday's games will certainly be exciting.

...And now, let's check out the latest stop in "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" Last time we checked in with the Wazzu opener, it was loitering in front of a Lenin statue in Moscow. As of Tuesday, it was hanging out in Land of the Rising Sun. You can tell the Cougar bottle opener is in Japan, because of the geishas, origami crane, and the Buddhist shrine. I know what you're thinking - that this is just a random collection of Asian knick-knacks, and that it's a staged photo. Well, I'm pretty insulted that you'd say that.
The good news is: I've heard that Charles' bottle opener is on its way back to America. Can't wait to see where it ends up next, and if it will return to the Chuckman's kitchen drawer in some sort of workable condition.

I Follow The Moskva Down To Gorky Park

As of Saturday night, my NCAA bracket was destroyed by the Jayhawks' loss to the Northern Iowa Panthers. And I have to wait until Thursday for games to start again. No worries. There are other things that now demand my attention. Because I've been unemployed for the past four months, I'm fairly good at finding ways to occupy my time.

1. Vote on the match-ups in the annual Fug Madness competition. Just like March Madness, the contest includes 65 participants, except that they're unwillingly fighting for the title of "Worst-Dressed Celebrity of 2010." The play-in game for the tournament was between Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. An intriguing contest in the Second Round of the Bjork Bracket is between #2 Katy Perry and #7 Juliette Lewis.

2. Use my $25 iTunes gift card from Christmas.

3. Look for a job that will restore calm and bring purpose to my life. Preferably one that calls for 2-3 years of experience in a call center environment.

4. Update my online dating profile with the following information:
Interests: Skysurfing, fondue, dogbreeding.
Body Type: Pretty okay.
Profession: Hopeful.

5. Take the dog for a walk. Meet women in the park.

6. Keep blogging.

As you can see, I've got a busy day ahead of me, starting with breakfast.
But first, I'll discuss the latest stop in Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener? Today, the Wazzu opener is in Kaluzhskaya Square in Moscow. It's near the Oktyabrskaya metro station, if you're familiar with the area. The Lenin Statue (in the picture above) was constructed in 1985 and it's the tallest Lenin Statue in the world. Okay, maybe not as tall as the one in Minsk, Belarus.

Panther Pride

In March Madness, there is a lot of hype surrounding No. 1 seeds. True, a No. 1 seed has won the championship seven out of the last ten years. In three of those years, however, one #2 seed (UConn, 2004) and two #3 seeds (Syracuse, 2003, and Florida, 2006 have brought home the title. Which lower-seeded squads are worthy of making a run to the Final Four?

Today, I'll profile a Big East team that always causes problems in my brackets. Today, this team secured the #3 seed in the West Region. Nicknamed the Panthers, they make their home in the city of Pittsburgh - which is a lot like Detroit, except with a competitive football team, and not as dependent on the American auto industry.

As a No. 1 seed in the 2009 NCAA Tournament, the Panthers lost to Villanova by two points in the Elite Eight. Over the last eight years, the University of Pittsburgh has made the Sweet Sixteen six times. A pretty good track record, except that Pitt never gets farther than the third round (except for last year). Pitt returns only one starter from last year, senior guard Jermaine Dixon (after losing DeJuan Blair (Spurs) and Sam Young (Grizzlies) to the NBA Draft). This year, the Panthers are led by guard Ashton Gibbs and assist-maker Brad Wannamaker. Over the years, Pitt has been known for its stifling defense and its average offense. This season is no different. The Panthers are averaging 68.8 points on offense and they allow 61.7 points per game. What's disconcerting is that the Panthers scored 77.4 points per game last year. The team's field goal percentage is also down, from 47.9% in 2009 to 44.7% in 2010. Can Pitt put enough points on the board to go far in the tourney? History says No. Defense alone can't win championships.

Coincidentally, Pittsburgh is the latest stop on the world tour of Charles' bottle opener. It's a feature I like to call "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" If you're unfamiliar with how I stole my friend's beer cap remover, I simply took it out of his silverware drawer when I was helping him move into a new condo. I pilfered the bottle opener because it plays the Washington State fight song. Part of my reason for doing this is showing Charles all the places he could go if his heart desired. But mostly I hate that bottle opener.

Which reminds me...Washington State lost to Oregon in the opening round of the Pac-10 Tournament on Wednesday night, 82-80 in OT. The picture above (near the dilapidated steel mills of Pittsburgh) is dedicated to the Cougs' loss, and their terrible play in general. Mind you, Washington State got the No. 9 seed in the conference tourney only because USC is suspended from postseason play. Let's not forget that Wazzu is the worst team in the Pac-10 in both basketball and football. Let us never forget.

I'll go ahead and provide Charles' rebuke to my last statement: "At least Cougars aren't stealing laptops from frat boys" (in reference to the Duck's football team antics off the field). To which I would say, "I can't really judge Masoli's behavior too much...since I steal bottle openers from my friends."

Early Casualties

Over a week away from Selection Sunday, and already, dozens of teams are out of the running for the NCAA Tournament. Besides the Oregon Ducks (unless they manage to win the Pac-10 Tournament), many teams will be sitting at home watching March Madness on CBS. Notably absent from the competition this year are the Manhattan Jaspers, the Belmont Bruins, the Evansville Aces, and the Campbell Fighting Camels, the official team of the Nativity Camel blog.
The Camels lost in the quarterfinals of the Atlantic Sun Tournament to East Tennessee State, 72-64.
Sadly, it marked the last game for Camel forward Jonathan Rodriguez, one of 101 Division I players to score 2,000 points and nab 1,000 rebounds. Maybe he'll be playing in Greece sometime soon?

On the lighter side of things, I want to present a new feature to the blog. It's called: "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

A week ago, I stole my friend's bottle opener while I was helping him move. I don't usually steal things from people, but this theft was fully justified. I have endured months of pain hanging out at his place, because he insisted that every beer be opened with this bottle opener. Every time you pop a top off, the opener plays the Washington State fight song. And I can tell you, without any sort of regional bias, it's a pretty stupid fight song. Here's a sample of the lyrics:

Come on and win the day for Crimson and Gray!
Best in the West, we know you'll all do your best, so
On, on, on, on! Fight on to the end! Honor and Glory you must win! So
Fight, fight, fight for Washington State and victory!

The bottle opener is just plain offensive and it doesn't belong in any kitchen. So I made the decision to take it from Charles' apartment and I want to make sure that it never plays the Cougar fight song again. Today I took it to Gas Works Park in Seattle with my dog Bowie (pictured above). Bowie took a dip into the waters of Lake Union, and I almost threw the opener in there with her.

Who knows where it will show up next?