The Sound of Silence

If anyone still reads this blog, I have an important update.
As you know, there has been little news regarding the Chuckman's bottle opener, which I kidnapped two months ago. I regret to inform the general public that the unpopular Wazzu bottle opener is no longer with us. After it returned to Seattle from Chicago, I was so sickened by its appearance that I promptly threw it away. It will never again play the Washington State Fight song and punish the good people who wish to drink beer at Charles' apartment. Here is a quick eulogy for the Cougar bottle opener:

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
We will never forget
How much the Cougars suck

Amen.

The Ballad Of The Cougar Bottle Opener

If you follow the national pastime, I don't have to tell you where Charles' Cougar opener landed recently. Pictured is the ivy wall of a ballpark known as "The Friendly Confines." If the Chicago Cubs are The Lovable Losers, what does that make the Washington State Cougars? I've narrowed it down to these choices and taken alliteration to a whole new level:

(a) The Amiable Asses
(b) The Friendly Failures
(c) The Copacetic Cads
(d) The Likable Lemons
(e) The Righteous Rabble
(f) The Fetching Flops

and...this one's just for Charles...
(g) The Palatable Palousers

What?
You thought the tour of "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener" was over? It's got frequent flyer miles now. It can go anywhere it pleases. With free peanuts. It has no reason to return to Charles' open arms (cue the Journey song).

Done With Alacrity!

Don't know if anyone noticed (probably not), but I picked the Elite Eight game results perfectly based on strengths of the team mascots. I knew there was a science to March Madness. I just didn't know someone with a Bachelor of Arts degree and Master's degree (like myself) could understand it. Turns out you don't need a Ph.D. in bracketology. You just need the ability to analyze anthropomorphized characters wearing synthetic fur.
Like any true scientist, I need to test my hypothesis again to make sure it's valid. Let's give it another shot. By Monday, we'll know if I can submit my research to an academic journal.

Final Four Semifinals
Hink the Bulldog (Butler) vs. Sparty (Michigan State)
Sparty's state-of-the-art costume, consisting of fiberglass molds and a vinyl chest plate, costs $8,000. In this formal attire, the jolly green giant supports Michigan State athletes and fans in many ways, including weddings and barmitzvahs. You don't have to be at a sports event to party with Sparty.
But I should mention that Hink is not the only mascot at Butler. There's Butler Blue II (pictured above with Colin Powell), a six year-old bulldog that runs onto the court before home games. If the NCAA Final Four officials allow him to run loose, so will the basketball team.
Edge: Hink and Butler Blue II. They only have to travel 5.7 miles from the Butler campus to Lucas Oil Stadium. Heck, they could even take public transportation. Indianapolis does have a bus system, right?

The Mountaineer (West Virginia) vs. The Blue Devil (Duke)
Both mascots have a long history of cheering on athletes and cheering up fans. Mountaineer men and women have been supporting West Virginia (in costume) since the 1934-35 season. The only lapse in their service to fans was during 1943 and 1944, when I assume the Mountaineer was abroad fighting the Axis powers. The Blue Devil made its first appearance at a football game in 1929. In the early years, it looked like a court jester with horns.
Edge: The Mountaineer. A man versus a devil doesn't seem like a fair fight. But this reminds me eerily of "The Devil and Daniel Webster."

NCAA Championship Final
Hink and Butler Blue II vs. The Mountaineer
Edge: The Mountaineer. I want to apologize for suggesting in an earlier post that The Mountaineer was a man. For the entire 2009-10 season, The Mountaineer is Rebecca Durst (next year, it's Brock Burwell). A pretty woman in buckskins versus a cute little dog? Rebecca wins by a nose.

Now that I have it all figured out, please excuse me. I need to call my bookie.

Most Unattractive, But Beneficial

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This is a saying that I learned growing up. I think it means that you should respect others, even if they're complete jerks.
But, over the past thirty years, I've also learned that roasting people is fun, and it can help strengthen their character. So I (re)introduce to you the six people who are at the bottom of the standings in the March Madness pool. For them, upward mobility is not an option.
I've attributed a Bill Raftery quote to each one of these players (Rafferty, in case you aren't familiar, is a colorful CBS commentator who uses certain terms to describe plays and they don't make much sense - much like the losers' brackets).

(going) Commando
Points: 44
What went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little lingerie on the deck with the blow-by!"

Wombats of Doom
Points: 45
What pick went wrong: Pitt in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little ricochet romance!"

YelloDog1
Points: 54
What pick went wrong: Louisville in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "Get the puppies set!"

The Sly Fox
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Georgetown in the Elite Eight (ditto)
Rafferty quote: "Onions!"

Snarkopotamus
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Oklahoma State in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "We got a little nickel-dimer here!"

Albino Rhino
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "The vegetable cart!"

As you can see in the picture above, Charles' Cougar bottle opener has moved on from Japan. Last night, it was spotted underwater near the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. The area is the deepest known part of the world's oceans. How fast the Washington State Cougars have sunk since the 2003 Football season and their Holiday Bowl win.
No, it's not a sweater I wore to a nautical-themed party. I can't believe what you're insinuating.
Stay tuned for the next stop in "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"