Whenever you get sick, it's easy to get down on yourself. You feel like you're being held hostage by a virus, and you have to wait until the police (i.e. antibiotics) negotiate a safe release. You're helpless to do anything but sit motionless in bed. You might be inclined to try prayer. Or watch your favorite movie in an attempt to ignore the pain and discomfort.Chin up, sport. You don't have to be so complacent. Tell the cold, the flu, the sore throat, or bronchitis how you really feel. If you just lay there pitying yourself, the virus will think it has won the game, and it will run up the score. Here's a guide to approaching your enemy and retaking your health. Body and mind go together, as well as yo mouf!
1. Question its intensity.
"How many people you kill? I ain't gonna say how many I killed. Don't wanna embarrass ya. You sure you related to the swine flu? Cuz what you're bringing is weak. I mean, your game is pathetic."
2. Remind it of your perfect record.
"Every season, you know who comes out on top? This guy. How many rings you got? I'm undefeated and I'm just getting started!"
3. Talk about endurance.
"You've got to outlast me, son. But you ain't got the stamina! Pack yo bags. Train's leavin.' Get home to yer wife. Dinner's gettin' cold."
4. Point out the scoreboard repeatedly.
"You do realize I'm winning, right?"
5. Emphasize how its play is one-dimensional and downright flawed.
"I'm coming at you from all angles, kid! Hydration - BAM! Nutritious diet - BAM! Loads of sleep - BAM! Theraflu - BAM! All you know are two approaches: throat phlegm and night sweats. I got lozenges and Advil for that! I know how to defend that shit!"
6. Be real.
"I didn't get in to this game to make friends. I came to bring the pain and get paid. You're just another chump standing in the way. Step off before I break somefin' off!"
7. Speculate on the nature of things.
"The way I see it: I get back to 100% and I'm making six, seven figures a year. You know, makin' a name for myself. In the meantime, you're still hopping from person to person, leeching off anyone you can find. No retirement plan, no stock portfolio, no Benzos. Nothing to speak of! Now that's a sad excuse for a life, man."
It's been a good 3 to 4 years since I've had anything more severe than a cold, but I never tried trash talking the virus. All I tried was praying for death as I was sitting on the throne, doubled over in agony, sweating profusely, and clutching the trash can like it was my most valued possession. I didn't get the death I had hoped for, which in retrospect is probably a good thing (although that's debatable, but eventually the screaming 180's did end their reign of terror.
ReplyDelete