No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom

At the library, I see a lot of books, tapes, cds and playaways that teach Spanish, Greek, German, Russian, etc. But I have seen nothing that instructs Americans how to speak British. Seems like that might be a preferred skill in today's global market. Let's say I'm a paper clip salesman in Chicago and I have a client in Manchester. How can I even begin to relate to these "blokes" across the ocean? True, I do have some English heritage, but my family's been removed from the motherland for over 200 years. How do I learn to communicate with Union Jack?

I'll tell you how. You pay attention to the ESPN Gamecasts of soccer games, reported by on-the-scene British reporters.
Yesterday, I was watching the online commentary of the Chelsea-Barcelona Champions League game...and I learned all kinds of new vocabulary. Here are some precious snippets:

29th minute: Ballack clatters Henry and is booked following the collision of egos.
36th minute: Some argy-bargy going on between Alves and Drogba.
38th minute: Alves and Malouda are also arguing with each other. The stroppiness might make this a little more interesting.
78th minute: Drogba is writhing following a tackle from Puyol. If it were still the 80s, he could have a second career as a body-popper.

You have just added four new words to your British vocabulary! To review, they are:
- clatter, argy-bargy, stroppiness, body-popper

Keep studying up! If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!

Increasing My Blogging Productivity

Turns out that the blog honeymoon is over. I've really dropped off the blogging map in recent weeks. But I'm determined to contribute more of my limitless knowledge to the interwebs. The problem is consistency. It's difficult to make time or to find motivation for composition. Actually that's a pattern I've noticed in all areas of my life. But I digress - a blog isn't meant for self-psychoanalysis. A blog's purpose is to provide in-depth insights to matters that cannot be appropiately covered by mainstream periodicals or journalists. These areas of interest may include sandwiches, sports figures, underwater cities, my neighor's horrible musical tastes (sounds like Hillary Duff mixed with the sound of water running and a cat using a litter box - turns out my neighbor does indeed use a sink and has a cat, but looks nothing like Hillary Duff), and methods of ketchup stain removal (not excluding fire).
In order to increase my production of original, mind-expanding content, I've made a list of lifestyle changes that will encourage me to write more often:

- Stop working so much (some weeks I work as much as 32 hours, leaving me little opportunity to stop and smell the roses and then report back on these dangerous odors)
- Stop exercising (more explicitly, I should never leave my computer chair)
- Drink a little more often (all great writers were alcoholics, thus the origin of the term "typing buzz"; the "writer's high" is attributed to use of other substances, but I'm going to stick with booze)
- Limit myself to one viewing of "Dragon Wars" per day
- Stop paying attention to the NBA (I've already given up watching professional basketball, but I haven't totally halted my rigorous study of player's tattoos, like those of Denver Nugget Chris Andersen, who has a map of dry land inked on his back like that little girl from "Waterworld")
- More consumption of 5-hour Energy drink (as promoted by NFL stars Braylon Edwards and Osi Umenyiora and NASCAR pro Rusty Wallace - if they can use it to stay awake, why can't I?)
- Limit my reading to Facebook profile updates (novels are time-consuming and made up, whereas what's going on with my FB "friends" is exciting, real and provocative)
- Put myself in exotic locales where I can make astute observations on people and culture (like an embedded reporter, except that I'll be in an ethnic restaurant instead of a war-torn country)
- Stay informed on current events with Fox News (while still being patriotic), so that my blog posts are relevant and educated
- Periodically just post a combination of Twitter messages, rather than think up something

(Note: If you look closely enough, you can see my blog in the top right corner of the blogosphere image)

Mariner Moose, You Are The Father!

At Sunday's Tacoma Rainiers baseball game (Mariners' Triple A affiliate), I couldn't help but notice how similar the team mascot looks to its parent team's mascot. Rhubarb claims to be a reindeer, but the hair color and antlers are obviously derivative of the Mariner Moose. It makes me wonder how many mascots have been sired by other mascots.

We can safely put the Georgia Bulldog, the Gonzaga Bulldog and Butler Bulldog in the same family. Maybe even the Georgetown Hoya. Likewise, we know the UCLA Bruin and the Cornell Big Red Bear share the same blood.

Then there's Xavier's Blue Blob and Western Kentucky's Hilltopper (shown above). Different colors, but same shape. I don't think it's a stretch to include Wally the Green Monster as a relative. Just because he's taken to wearing baseball clothes does not mean he isn't an amorphous blob like his cousins. And if we're talking about green muppets, why not speculate on the origins of Southpaw (White Sox) and the Philly Phanatic? Given the Phanatic's feathery appearance and age, we can assume that he's, in fact, related to Big Bird and he fathered the belated Duncan (New Jersey Nets).

By far, the mascot with the most curious genealogy is Youppi!
So much research to be done in this area...Not to mention the fact that Acme Mascots may be genetically engineering these muppets for maximum entertainment.

Chip Niche

Just yesterday, while I was working at the library, a middle-aged Korean woman told me that I'm a very handsome man.
And it got me to thinking...Maybe it's all these Doritos I've been eating.
They have so many varieties and each type has different health benefits. About a week ago, I had "Spicy Sweet Chili" Doritos. I've been told this has the same nutritional value as a bowl of chili.
Today, I enjoyed a bag of "Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Popper Doritos." Okay, they were mediocre, but I was surprised that I was able to eat them in the middle of the day. The convenience store on the corner makes them available 24 hours, contrary to the label. There is also "Late Night Tacos at Midnight Doritos," which should be at least applauded for rhyming (how many words can you think of that rhyme with "night" besides "midnight?" I sure can't come with any). I hope they taste like carne asada, because that's what I expect from Frito-Lay.
I'm not the first person to honor Doritos. It shouldn't be a surprise that he beat me to it:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Peabody Credit
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

What new flavors can we expect from Doritos in the future? Here are a few ideas:
1. Green Tea Torque
2. Loads n' Loads n' Loads of Chipotle
3. Startlin' Soy Sauce
4. American Cheddar (in support of our troops)
5. Collisions: Sweet Ginger/Paprika Pow!der
6. Crab Leg Onion
7. Jamaican Jerk
8. Thousand Island
9. Flamin' Fondue
10. Mountainous Mushroom

Turkish Hooligans!!!

Tomorrow, the two Turkish football teams Galatasary and Fenerbache square off in Istanbul. The fans of both teams are known for being violent toward each other. They throw stones, chairs, flares (basically anything they can get their hands on) and they're not against using knives or lead pipes. Here's an interesting piece by a British reporter on the heated rivalry that occurs in the stands and on the streets.

Makes you appreciate the slow pace of an afternoon baseball game and the relaxed atmosphere of the ballpark. Sure, most people are more interested in chatting over beer or buying cotton candy than paying attention to the pitch sequence or a defensive shift in the outfield. But at least they're not throwing a bottle or kitchen sink at other spectators.
Why don't Turkish fans react the same way over basketball? Harder to smuggle blunt weapons into an arena? Or are they less excited about hoops now that Hedo Turkoglu and Mehmet Okur have left the country?
(Thanks to dirtytackle.net for turning me on to this video)

Too Far Busy

...to be coming up with original observations and creative thoughts. I've been going through a drought in blogging. So instead of forcing myself to write, I'll just let other blogs do my job, and I'll post a picture of my mother's new dog. It's a Labradoodle named Karma ("Good Karma!! Bad Karma!!" Get it?).

The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament is coming to an end, and the final game (currently being played) is not at all entertaining. North Carolina has a fifteen point lead that probably won't shrink. Far more exciting is the Final Game in the "Go Fug Yourself" Fug Madness Tournament. Looks like Aubrey O'Day will take home the crown as the ugliest dresser in the public eye, but she leads by a slim margin over Tilda Swinton. You can be the judge.

In other news, megachurch pastor Joel Osteen (known for his bestselling books "Your Best Life Now" and "Becoming a Better You," in which he has integrated capitalism with Christianity) is coming to Yankee Stadium on April 25. In "The Night of Hope," he will christen the new ballpark and try to spread his message of prosperity to Bronx. Maybe it will be more inspirational that the Bombers' opening game loss in Baltimore and it's only $15 per person. I don't think Bud Light will be served.

In case you were wondering, here are the top ten hipster beers. If you live in Seattle or Portland, you should know what's Number 1.

Finally, as I listen to the boring answers provided by Tarheel basketball players in the post-game interviews, I thought we should review the biggest sports cliches. Maybe it's the sports reporters' fault for asking stupid questions, such as:
"What does it mean to achieve this?"
"How does it feel to win the championship?"
"What's it like to finish your college career like this?"

Just remember: The team that wants it more will always win.

Reader Non-Recommendations

Every day, I come across an item in our library system that surprises me. I'm not mystified why we carry it (because we cater to all people, of all ages, races, creeds, etc., etc.), but I'd like to know who in my county thirsts for this kind of stuff. Mostly, I imagine myself trying to recommend them to people. "Oh, so you're really into great-looking boat motors. Well, have I got a book for you. It's called 'Beautiful Outboards.'"

Here are five other titles I'd have a problem pushing on my patrons (though I fully support their freedom to check them out and our decisions to purchase them - I am certainly not wavering on my responsibility as a librarian to respect patrons' diverse interests and needs - and I recognize I'm totally judging these books by their covers). The first selection is there for the reason that I wouldn't know how to promote it:

"Whoreson: the story of a ghetto pimp" by Donald Goines
Summary: Born and bred to the violent life of ghetto prostitution, the son of a beautiful Black prostitute and an unknown john, Whoreson Jones thinks he has it all figured out--until his self assurance is shaken by betrayal.

"Brides of the Impaler" by Edward Lee
Summary: The nuns in a NYC convent are actually vampires intent on resurrecting Dracula himself!

"Skinny Bitch in the Kitch: kick-ass recipes for hungry girls who to stop cooking crap (and start looking hot!)" by Rory Freedman
Summary: This sequel to the fabulously successful "Skinny Bitch" will inspire Skinnyitches to don an apron over their skinny frames and get cooking!

"Hot Stuff" by Carly Phillips
Summary: Annabelle Jordan and her two sisters were orphans in frilly dresses when they went to live with their sports-lawyer uncle in his world of locker rooms, bookies and gambling. Now the girls are publicists in their uncle's firm, The Hot Zone. Despite her upbringing, Annabelle is all woman. She's naturally drawn to real men--like her latest client, ex-football legend and businessman Brandon Vaughn. The chemistry is potent, undeniable, irresistible. But Annabelle soon realizes that Brandon is much more than just another jock. And that she'd better hold on tight if she doesn't want to lose her heart.

"Home Team" (DVD)
Summary: Henry's gambling addiction ruined his soccer career and landed him in jail. As a condition of his parole, he must perform community service at a children's home for abandoned boys. The kids decide to form a real soccer team find a sponsor and join the inner-city league. Only problem is they are terrible. Can Henry help out?
(This movie stars Steve Gutenberg and tries to be like "Ladybugs," except without Rodney Dangerfield or any sense of self-respect)