No More Rage

One thing I'll miss about having a car is being angry at stupid people.

I won't be frustrated when another person drives erratically or cuts me off or makes an ill-advised turn, causing me to apply full pressure to my brakes and shout, "You've got to be kidding me!"
I won't be pissed off when someone parks their car like a jerk. Either using up two spaces or not allowing enough space to parallel park, or making it impossible for your car to get out. And the most questionable tactic of all time: parking in my designated space.
I will no longer be emotionally affected by these offenses. Thus leading to less stress and allowing me to divert my attention to more important matters, such as "Can I make chipotle mayonnaise at home?" and "Why can't they make a more durable tennis ball?"
I certainly won't have to spend as much time writing hate-fueled notes, to be placed underneath the offenders' windshield wipers. Someone has to put those people in their place, but it's not gonna be me anymore. For those of you who continue to commute and compete for parking spaces, I've compiled a list of notes that may help you deal with irritating automobile behavior. In fact, most of them have uses beyond parking violations. You could easily put this sort of message in an e-mail, text or bridge banner. Next time you get irritated, give one of these try.

"You have not earned my respect."

"Once upon a time, there was a guy who owned a Toyota Tercel. Life was pretty sunny and he thought he was really going places. Then his car exploded."

"Your brake lines are fine. Don't worry about it."

"We will never trade fist bumps or high fives."

"Colonel Mustard, in the Library, with a Candlestick."

"You're a bit of douchebag."

"You lied to me. You know what lying does? It makes baby elephants cry. So that means you're on par with an...(OVER)...IVORY POACHER!!!"

"Lost German Shepherd/Collie. Responds to 'Gringo.' Has sock in stomach. Reward: Negotiable."

"Whenever I see you...I get so weak in my knees, I just can't speak. I lose all control, and something takes over me. Also, the backs of my knees get sweaty."

"You have five minutes to leave this town."

"I have your goldfish and your iPod. One of them is not going to make it through the night."

As you can see, threats are best way to deal with problems. Keep this in mind in the workplace, the gym, and the grocery store.

Here In My Car, I'm As Safe As Can Be

I kept looking for the perfect song to memorialize this event.

But I only had my 4G iPod. Not the whole iTunes library.
I was sitting in my car for the last time. It was a pleasant day to say goodbye. The brown grass of Wright Park was reflecting the sunlight. I had the front windows rolled down and my elbow rested outside the driver door. The whole car was covered in a film of tree dust and plant pollen. I had left it on the corner of 3rd Ave. S. and G St. for a while. Even though it was probably going to sit in a lot for a few days or a few months, I felt like I should have cleaned it up for its departure. Prettied it up for the open casket ceremony.
This car meant more to me than high school. It had been a dependable beast on countless roadtrips, moves, workday commutes, and other adventures. It's not like putting a pet to sleep, but my attachment with that machine is strong. I remember it rolling down the dusty roads of Death Valley and I remember it camped in the Gorge and I remember it parked outside all of my old homes and apartments. I remember driving it when I shouldn't have (those moments are a bit fuzzier).

Now I needed a song or two to help me say farewell.
First, I selected "Cars" by Gary Numan on my iPod.
Then there was "Drive My Car" by the Beatles.
After that, there weren't too many fitting choices. I landed on "Silver" by the Pixies, because it's the color of my Subaru. Searches for the keywords "highway" and "drive" revealed nothing. I played "Witch Mountain Road" by Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks. Then I just gave up and hit the Random Shuffle.
After listening to "Heaven is a Truck" by Pavement (ignoring the fact that my car's a hatchback), I finished with "In the Streets" by the Shangri-Las, which doesn't have anything to do with automobiles whatsoever. But I found some of the lyrics meaningful (I was going to say "poignant"):

He don't
hang around
with the gang no more
He don't do the wild things
that he did before
He used to act bad
Used to, but he quit it
It make me so sad
Cause I know that he did it
for me

I'll miss you, Subie!
Rest in Peace.