Laws of the Friendly Skies

During my flight from Milan to JFK International Airport last week, a strange thing occurred. An American Airlines sweater (belonging to a flight attendant) was allegedly stolen by a passenger. Of course, the announcement over the intercom never referred to the act as theft. "If you accidentally picked up the sweater on your way into the cabin, please return the item." Later, as we descended into New York, a stewardess issued a warning over the speakers. She told us that security would be notified and that they would search our bags if the sweater was not recovered. An empty threat and a nice scare tactic at best.

I don't believe the sweater was returned or found, because the flight attendants eyed us suspiciously as we got off the plane. They still said their friendly "goodbye" and "thanks for flying" as we entered the ramp to the gate, but their stares were fixed on our bodies and carry-on luggage - scanning for evidence of stealing, such as a piece of blue fabric sticking clumsily out of a gymbag. It's not clear what happened exactly. If someone had pilfered an airline sweater and had been caught, though, I'm not sure what law applies to that passenger. It was an international flight operated by an American company departing from an Italian destination (where the theft probably occurred), with the person possibly being detained on American soil. As a person with a library degree, I confess I don't know how to go about researching the legal implications of this act. Does this fall under federal law laid down by the FAA, the guidelines of the ICAO (an agency of the U.N.), the rules of the NTSB (another U.S. agency), the jurisdiction of the TSA, or all of the above? Enough bureaucratic acronyms to give anyone a headache.

I did find this story about a man who forced his way past a flight attendant to use a business class lavatory when he got "the runs." The man was sitting in coach and was forbidden by the flight crew from entering the first class cabin, even though a beverage cart was blocking his way to the back bathrooms. At the time, he probably didn't know he was choosing between two options:
(a) crapping his pants and suffering humiliation
or
(b) spending two days in jail.

That's a tough choice. Not the best endorsement for Honduran food.

Kitschy Krap

I didn't bring back many souvenirs from Italy. My gifts to people usually come in postcard form. For some of my friends, I like to pick the cheesiest postcard possible. I would rather have them experience an alternate reality...where the wealthy lakefront village of Bellagio is synonymous with three golden retriever puppies yawning.

But, then again, I'm not a fan of shopping when I'm traveling. Why spend time wandering through boutiques and bazaars when you can just purchase impractical gifts through the airplane catalog Skymall? On the way back from your time abroad, look inside this magazine and you'll find everything your parents and friends always needed. For example, there's a Christmas platter with an image of a drunk reindeer that reads, "I've fallen and I Chianti get up!" Priceless, right? What about a DNA test for your dog (pictured)? Below is a sampling of items that will be appreciated by anyone (make sure to click on the hyperlinks to see them in their splendor).

The Slanket: One size fits all d-bags!
Forest Face: Squirrels will go nutty for their favorite sports teams!
Helmutt House: By the way, 90% of dogs hate the Big 12 conference.
Truck Antlers: "A great gift for drivers with a sense of humor..." - and feelings of self-doubt.
Jumpin Jammerz: When a Slanket just doesn't cut it, try a onesie.
Zombie of Montclaire Moors: I would actually like to see more of these statues in our gardens. I think it will restore the nation's calm.
Pet Doorbell: Why not just teach your dog sign language?
Skyrest Pillow: Only thing more offensive than a Segway.

I feel like all of the ideas in Skymall are inspired by America's Funniest Home Videos. That's the level of creativity we're talking about.