Kitschy Krap

I didn't bring back many souvenirs from Italy. My gifts to people usually come in postcard form. For some of my friends, I like to pick the cheesiest postcard possible. I would rather have them experience an alternate reality...where the wealthy lakefront village of Bellagio is synonymous with three golden retriever puppies yawning.

But, then again, I'm not a fan of shopping when I'm traveling. Why spend time wandering through boutiques and bazaars when you can just purchase impractical gifts through the airplane catalog Skymall? On the way back from your time abroad, look inside this magazine and you'll find everything your parents and friends always needed. For example, there's a Christmas platter with an image of a drunk reindeer that reads, "I've fallen and I Chianti get up!" Priceless, right? What about a DNA test for your dog (pictured)? Below is a sampling of items that will be appreciated by anyone (make sure to click on the hyperlinks to see them in their splendor).

The Slanket: One size fits all d-bags!
Forest Face: Squirrels will go nutty for their favorite sports teams!
Helmutt House: By the way, 90% of dogs hate the Big 12 conference.
Truck Antlers: "A great gift for drivers with a sense of humor..." - and feelings of self-doubt.
Jumpin Jammerz: When a Slanket just doesn't cut it, try a onesie.
Zombie of Montclaire Moors: I would actually like to see more of these statues in our gardens. I think it will restore the nation's calm.
Pet Doorbell: Why not just teach your dog sign language?
Skyrest Pillow: Only thing more offensive than a Segway.

I feel like all of the ideas in Skymall are inspired by America's Funniest Home Videos. That's the level of creativity we're talking about.