Cinderella Comparisons

Every year in the NCAA men's basketball tournament, sports writers and broadcasters are eager to paint the picture of a team's success as a Cinderella story. This comparison is made to mid-major teams like Butler, Davidson, and VCU, because they are traditionally the underdogs. To elaborate on this fairy tale analogy, these schools are the poor, overworked maids who are oppressed by their stepmothers and stepsisters (Duke, North Carolina, and Kentucky). They don't have a dress to wear to the prince's ball...yet, against all odds, they are magically given a dress and glass slippers, because they worked so hard and remained faithful to their dead parents' wishes...

I'm going to guess that Andy Katz, Jay Bilas, Seth Davis and 99% of basketball analysts (excluding the eloquent orator Jim Nance) have not read the Grimm Brothers' version of Cinderella (called "Aschenputtel"). Like most of America, they are familiar with Disney's cheerful revision, where morning housework = singalongs with cute musically gifted birds and humorous mice. In the Grimms' "Aschenputtel," there is no fairy godmother; only a magic tree planted on top of her mother's grave - watered with tears, of course. There are pigeons instead of songbirds, and they pluck out the eyes of the stepsisters at the end of the story. However, the most gruesome part of this fairy tale is that one stepsister removes a big toe to fit into the glass slipper, while the other one slices off her heel. The prince determines that Cinderella is the owner of the glass slipper because her foot is not bloody. This was conveniently left out of the Disney version.

In this light, you can see how ridiculous it is to compare a group of twenty year-old male athletes to a downtrodden girl who is neglected by her family....or that basketball teams are comparable to young women pining for a slow waltz with a prince.

I just think there's a better analogy out there for mid-major teams that make a run at the Final Four. I'm a bigger fan of the term "giantkiller," i.e. David and Goliath. Maybe we could pick an analogy that's actually grounded in sports. Instead of referring to them as Cinderellas, we could call them Seabiscuits or Buster Douglases. Or dare I say, Tim Tebows?

Let's stick with the Grimms' translation for now. Here are your early candidates for this year's Aschenputtels - teams that might make an impression at the royal ball:

Belmont
Location: Nashville, TN
Name: Bruins
Record: 27-7
Quality Wins: None, but lost to Duke by one point
School fact: In anticipation of Super Tuesday, presidential candidate Rick Santorum held a rally on the Belmont campus, and is currently on track to become the next Mike Huckabee.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 8%

Creighton
Location: Omaha, NE
Name: Bluejays
Record: 28-5
Quality Wins: San Diego St., Northwestern, Wichita St., Long Beach St.(?)
School fact: In 1924, Creighton changed its team name from Hilltoppers to Bluejays. There are hills in Nebraska?
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 35%

Murray State
Location: Murray, KY
Name: Racers
Record: 30-1
Quality Wins: Memphis, St. Mary's
School fact: This school is really into racehorses. Its baseball team is called the Thoroughbreds (or 'Breds) and the football team has a tradition where a horse runs out onto the field after every touchdown.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 40%

Oral Roberts
Location: Tulsa, OK
Name: Golden Eagles
Record: 27-5
Quality Wins: Xavier
School fact: During registration, students must sign a pledge to a university honor code. The code prohibits lying, cursing, smoking, drinking, and a range of sexual acts. The university recently relaxed its dress code to business casual, but mullets are forbidden.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 10%

Drexel (if the NCAA selects two Colonial teams)
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Name: Dragons
Record: 27-5
Quality Wins: VCU
School fact: In 1983, the university required all incoming students to buy a Mac 128K microcomputer. In the first year, approximately 58% of class assignments were completed using MacPaint.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 8%

VCU - Repeat Aschenputtel?
Location: Richmond, VA
Name: Rams
Record: 28-6
Quality Wins: Drexel, South Florida(?)
School fact: Virginia Commonwealth is the first research university to offer a program in homeland security and emergency preparedness. Now I know where to get my next useless Master's degree.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 12%

Davidson (without Stephen Curry)
Location: Davidson, NC
Name: Wildcats
Record: 25-7
Quality Wins: Kansas
School fact: President Woodrow Wilson attended this college for a year, then transferred to Princeton, where he had to endure freshman hazing a second time.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 10%

The percentages were based on exhaustive statistical research.