Repulsive Ads

I haven't decided which is the worst commercial during March Madness - (1) pregnant nacho ball or (2) Howie Long having an educated conversation with a six year-old about SUVs?

You be the judge:
Taco Bell
vs.
Chevy Traverse

Your vote counts.
Yes we can...change the face of sports marketing.

P.S. I saw a woman tonight at my neighborhood bar and she looked really familiar. I realized I had e-mailed her through match.com and never received a reply from her. I wanted to go up to her and ask, "So what's the deal? Was it my profile or my pictures that gave you the impression I'm not worth your time? Just tell me. Is it because you're not into amazingly handsome guys or you're just not into having witty conversations and spontaneous adventures with someone like me? Well, if you change your mind, just send me an e-mail...and I will delete it immediately. Again, I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. By the way, you looked better online. Toodles."

P.S.2: I did not say those things, but I wish I had. "Laterz" can be substituted for "Toodles."

Friday Is My Saturday Again

Headed to Trader Joe's today, stopped at the library to pick up a few holds, made a deposit at the bank. Did some dishes. A pretty full day.
Not to mention two cups of tea while perusing a few books and a magazine.
I was thinking: What if my solitary life was in plain view of the public? It would probably change my behavior.
I would probably dress better and keep my apartment a bit tidier. I might sing and talk to myself less.
I'm not talking about a webcam. I'm referring to the possibility that someone could be peering into my window at any time. It would be relatively boring, because no one comes over to my studio and the only drama is "Battlestar Galactica" on my television.

In Milan, Italy, a professional soccer player named Andrea Vasa experiences this sort of public scrutiny. He lives in a Belgian fashion design gallery and visitors can witness firsthand the luxury lifestyle of an athlete, as contrived as it might be. They can look right into the large windows of his all-expenses paid living quarters, whether he's shaving, sleeping in, or eating cereal (what do Italians eat for breakfast?).
I don't understand why there is a Porsche 911 parked in his living room. I think most footballers would prefer to drive the car - not use it create a natural balance in their living spaces a la Feung Shui.

The Contenders

I've done a little research on the No.2 seed vs. No. 3 seed games in the NCAA tournament this week, and I've made my predictions. I should have crunched these numbers before I picked my bracket. By my calculations, the Big East Conference continues its run:

Tomorrow's match-ups:

#2 Duke

Starters' experience: 3 Jr, 1 Soph, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 39.4

Points per game: 78.0
Free throw percentage: 72.3%

2009 record: 30-6

All-time NCAA tournament record: 86-29

VERSUS

#3 Villanova

Starters' experience: 3 Sr, 2 Jr

Rebounds per game: 41.1

Points per game: 76.5
Free throw percentage: 74.2%

2009 record: 28-7

All-time NCAA tournament record: 44-29
Edge: Wildcats - better shooters from the perimeter, the line, and overall; 'Nova has been to Sweet Sixteen 4 out of the last 5 years

#2 Memphis

Starters' experience: 2 Sr, 2 Jr, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 42.7

Points per game: 74.1
Free throw percentage: 69.6%

2009 record: 33-3

All-time NCAA tournament record: 30-21

VERSUS

#3 Missouri

Starters' experience: 3 Sr, 2 Jr

Rebounds per game: 39.5

Points per game: 81.1
Free throw percentage: 66.8%

2009 record: 30-6

All-time NCAA tournament record: 18-21

Edge: Memphis - wins battle of the Tigers due to size and defensive toughness; Memphis has more wins in the last four years (137) than any team in history

Friday's match-ups:

#2 Oklahoma

Starters' experience: 2 Sr, 1 Jr, 1 Soph, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 42.0

Points per game: 79.2
Free throw percentage: 68.1%

2009 record: 29-5

All-time NCAA tournament record: 32-25

VERSUS

#3 Syracuse

Starters' experience: 3 Jr, 2 Soph

Rebounds per game: 43.5

Points per game: 81.1
Free throw percentage: 63.9%

2009 record: 28-9

All-time NCAA tournament record: 48-31
Edge: Orange - Onuaku and Jackson will have their hands full guarding the Griffin brothers, but the Sooners' guards will be overmatched; Boeheim gets win No. 800

#2 Michigan State

Starters' experience: 2 Sr, 1 Jr, 1 Soph, 1 Fr

Rebounds per game: 42.1

Points per game: 71.9
Free throw percentage: 68.6%

2009 record: 28-6

All-time NCAA tournament record: 43-21

VERSUS

#3 Kansas

Starters' experience: 1 Jr, 2 Soph, 2 Fr

Rebounds per game: 41.7

Points per game: 77.1
Free throw percentage: 72.8%

2009 record: 27-7

All-time NCAA tournament record: 82-36
Edge: Spartans - more experience and they won their last meeting against the Jayhawks 75-62; Cole Aldrich will not get a triple double in this game

More Of My Mortal Foes

Here's a look at the bottom half of the leaderboard in my NCAA pool (continued from yesterday). Every player on here is less threatening than the skim milk I put on my cereal this morning. The date on the carton said March 14th, but it smelled okay to me. I didn't suffer any stomach aches, and I don't expect any of these people's picks to bother me much.
As you can see, there are three players vying for the coveted title of "Best Michael."
Fact: Two out of three Michaels agree that Connecticut will make the Final Four.

The 8th Annual Player's Club Invitational Cellar Dwellers:

David Copperfield

Featured in: David Copperfield

Author: Charles Dickens

True Identity: Steve Jr. - Copperfield is an appropriate choice, as every year is filled with Dickensian despair, and he is left scarred by his hardships (like the oppressive beatings of the Murdstones and the death of his sweet wife Dora)

Hari Seldon

Featured in: Foundation series

Author: Isaac Asimov

True Identity: Michael the Older - Despite his extensive psychohistorical studies at Streeling on the planet of Trantor, his feeble mind is unable to make basic predictions, and thus cannot be considered a being with sentinent intelligence

Pat Conroy

Featured in: My Losing Season

Author: Pat Conroy (The Prince of Tides, The Great Santini, etc.)

True Identity: Dad (Jim) - Finished a respectable 2nd place last year, but the title of Conroy's memoir, My Losing Season, writes its own punchline

Pennywise

Featured in: It

Author: Stephen King

True Identity: Brock - I said this about the crazy clown last year and it appears he's a genius (just a few years early): "trapped in a delusional mindset where Louisville and Pittsburgh advancing to the Final Four seems like a foregone conclusion"

Philip Marlowe

Featured in: The Big Sleep, The Long Goodbye, Farewell, My Lovely, etc.

Author: Raymond Chandler

True Identity: Brian - Marlowe once said, "She'd make for a jazzy week-end, but she'd be wearing for a steady diet" - he was talking about a dame, and the same can be said for Showcase's bracket

Nancy Drew

Featured in: The Secret of the Old Clock, The Clue of the Velvet Mask, The Clue of the Broken Locket, etc.

Author: Carolyn Keene

True Identity: Mom (Nancy) - Always asking for a magnifying glass to read things and constantly concerned about her hair - that's why I usually go to Scooby-Doo and the Hardy Boys if I want to solve a mystery

The Game

Featured in: The Game

Author: Neil Strauss

True Identity: The New Michael - This noted pick-up artist has successfully navigated out of the friend zone, but is still clueless when it comes to hoops - desparately needs a wingman to explain the basics (preferably not David Faustino)

Tyler Durden

Featured in: Fight Club

Author: Chuck Palahniuk

True Identity: Me - "I want you to hit me as hard as you can!!!"

Scarlett

Featured in: Gone With The Wind

Author: Margaret Mitchell

True Identity: Aunt Pat - Scarlett's last words are certainly applicable - "After all, tomorrow is another day!" - sadly, the South will not rise again

Superfudge

Featured in: Superfudge

Author: Judy Blume

True Identity: I'm guessing this is Matthew Bowman - I prefer that he change his name to Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

Jack London Simpson

Featured in: (wrote The Call of the Wild, White Fang, The Sea Wolf, etc.)

Author: Jack London

True Identity: Jack - He's old enough to have witnessed the Alaskan Gold Rush, but his gold-panning skills are subpar, at best

Lady Catherine de Bourgh

Featured in: Pride and Prejudice

Author: Jane Austen

True Identity: Alison - lastly, Alison, poor Alison, whose misfortunes are caused by her haughty and cross behavior - when will she learn that her social standing does not allow her to do anything she pleases?

Analysis of the No.2-No. 3 matchups in the next day or so...
(Photo: A sunburnt Willie Nelson)

A Rundown Of My Arch Enemies

For three weeks, I'm in bitter competition with family and friends. I know deep down that I'm more intelligent than most of these people. But the only way to prove myself is with an automated NCAA tournament bracket. At the end of each week, I can point at the standings and say, "Look at how many points I have versus you. I'm smarter than you. I'm a better person because of this number. Deal with it."
This is not one of those weeks. I cannot boast and brag about being in 20th place (out of 24 people). My mother, my father, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my best friends have all surpassed my score.
All hope is not lost. My Final Four picks are strong. My opponents are weak. In the long run, I will prevail.
I will now introduce this year's batch of hopefuls (in order of total points). Each one of them has chosen a literary character or author to define their personalities. Surely none of them can defeat a battle-hardened alter ego like Tyler Durden (myself):

Charlotte A. Cavatica

Featured in: Charlotte's Web

Author: E.B. White

True Identity: Sue Bowman - such a beautiful web she is weaving, as fragile as it may be

Chip Hilton

Featured in: Home Run Feud, Triple Threat Trouble, Tournament Crisis, etc.

Author: Clair Bee

True Identity: Bill Bowman (not to be confused with the absent Uncle Bill) - last year's champion may think he's a Backcourt Ace capable of a Buzzer Basket, but is he Hoop Crazy enough to get the Championship Ball a second time?

Tom Sawyer

Featured in: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Tom Sawyer Abroad, etc.

Author: Mark Twain

True Identity: Steve Sr. - has a perfect West region bracket so far - if anything goes wrong, he will be forced to whitewash a fence as punishment, and he is absolutely forbidden to hang out with that troublesome Huck Finn

Trixie Belden

Featured in: The Secret of the Unseen Treasure, The Mystery of the Midnight Marauder, etc.

Author: Julie Campbell and several ghostwriters under the pseudonym Kathryn Kenny

True Identity: Tina - one of the greatest mysteries is: Why didn't she pick a character from the Twilight series? I know...it's hard to decide who's dreamier - Edward, Jasper or Jacob?

Arthur Boo Radley

Featured in: To Kill A Mockingbird

Author: Harper Lee

True Identity: Peter - champion in 2006 and 2007 who is both a neighborhood recluse and a gentle soul with a bad haircut

Edgar Sawtelle

Featured in: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle

Author: David Wroblewski

True Identity: Kim - Arizonian who chose the most obscure book reference (even though it is in Oprah's Book Club) and most unlikely Elite 8 pick, Arizona State

Jason Bourne

Featured in: The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, Legacy, etc.

Author: Robert Ludlum; Eric Van Lustbader recently took over the series for the late author

True Identity: Michael the Younger - perennial Cameron Crazy - maybe Coach K is riding on the momentum of Team USA's gold medal win all the way to a NCAA championship? Doubtful.

Queequeg

Featured in: Moby Dick

Author: Herman Melville

True Identity: Tom - is not covered head to toe in tribal tattoos like his persona, but he's an accomplished harpooneer (3rd place last year)

(going) Commando

Featured in: This is a movie. The player neglected to change his profile name from last year's '80s theme.

Author: Arnold Schwarzenegger

True Identity: Ron - the only doctor participating in this year's pool (no Vinay) and the only person to pick Kansas to repeat

Don Quixote's Fighting Windmills

Featured in: Don Quixote

Author: Miguel de Cervantes

True Identity: Charles - much like a delusional, idealistic knight; where is his squire to lead him on the straight and narrow path? (squire = brain)

Jack Duluoz

Featured in: On The Road, Vanity of Duluoz, Desolation Angels, etc.

Author: Jack Kerouac

True Identity: Robert - insurance underwriter by day, beat poet by night, and 100% Dharma Bum (4th place finisher last year)

Santiago

Featured in: The Old Man and the Sea

Author: Ernest Hemingway

True Identity: Rick - like Santiago, my brother has yet to catch the big fish - every year, his prize marlin is destroyed by sharks

Most of this research was done during today's shift at the library. This information is pertinent to my job - being familiar with what the public is reading and providing suggestions. That is my rationalization, anyway.
Tomorrow's post will discuss the rest of the field.
(Photo: historically accurate depiction of Norse Viking that inhabits the Cleveland State campus)

Tournament Saturation

Three straight days of watching television, drinking beer, and eating pork products - that's what NCAA tournament time means in my little corner of the world. I headed forty miles up the road to Seattle to hang out at Charles' place and watch the basketball games on CBS. We took breaks to go to the grocery store, play video games and to go to a rock concert (Devon's band - Skeletons With Flesh On Them). Most of the time, though, my butt was parked safely on the couch. I'm a little discouraged about my bracket picks, because everyone else in the tourney pool is making smart picks. Usually, there's a few people who go out on a limb and choose really absurd Final Four teams. However, at the end of the second round, everyone's predicted champion is active and playing in the Sweet Sixteen.
Here is how the champion picks are distributed among the pool competitors:
Louisville (6), Pittsburgh (4), Duke (4), North Carolina (3), Memphis (3), Connecticut (2), Kansas (1), Oklahoma (1)

Given all of the participants' early success, maybe I shouldn't spend too much time selecting a charity (the proceeds are going to an charitable organization of the victor's choice). How do I decide who would most benefit from $340? Dogs? Poor people? The arts? A church? A school? A polluted area? There are so many needy people, animals and places...and I'm just thinking about regional causes. Personally, I'm leaning toward helping kids and pets. It's only natural to try to protect the cute and vulnerable. I'm narrowing it down to either a youth after school program or an animal shelter in my area. What are your suggestions?

(Photo courtesy of Charles - this weekend's liquid intake for four people. It's important to stay hydrated during the Madness.)

It Takes Two, Baby

This year, an unprecedented three teams from the Big East Conference became No. 1 seeds in the NCAA tournament (Louisville, Pittsburgh, and UConn). With seven total conference teams in the mix, chances are relatively good that there will be a Big East final in Detroit on April 6th. Despite the high probability that a Big East team will win the championship, a computer has come out and said that North Carolina will go all the way. Listen, I'm not an expert on the mathematics of probability, but I think this computer model is poppycock.
I prefer a simpler view of things. For example, I've noticed that things come in pairs:

• 2 teams from Maryland in the NCAA tournament - University of Maryland and Morgan State (Ohio leads all states with 5 teams - Xavier, Akron, Ohio State, Dayton and Cleveland State)
  
• 2 Griffin brothers (the 6'10 Blake and 6'7 Taylor average over 30 points and 20 rebounds per game for the Oklahoma Sooners)
• 2 schools that are also dead people (Revolutionary War patriot Robert Morris and Texas land-grabber Stephen F. Austin)
  
• 2 Vikings teams (Cleveland State and Portland State)
  
• 2 mascots fighting in March (Big Blue vs. Pistol Pete - reminding me of the fight below between Eli the Eagle and Jawz the Jaguar last year)

What do all of these doubles mean? When added together, the pairs equal the number 10. Which leads me to believe that a No. 10 seed will win in the first round. A No. 10 seed from the Big Ten, to be precise. There are TWO No. 10 seeds from the Big Ten (Michigan and Minnesota), but only one of them granted degrees to a pair of noted outlaws, the Unabomber and Dr. Jack Kevorkian. So I'm giving the nod to Michigan.
See how my math works? It's easy.

By the way, I am sincerely distraught that there is only one Hansbrough brother in the tournament this year. Since Ben transferred from Mississippi State to Notre Dame, he finds himself in the NIT. Tyler is somewhere sitting on a couch in Greensboro, and is feeling so alone. So dreadfully alone. Mi-mi!