Saturday Night's Events

If you look at the previous post on this blog, you'll notice I had circled a few bars to attend last weekend.

Let's just say we made it to four of them, and I'm glad the pictures are not posted anywhere. Yet.

The events can be summed up in this fashion:

Getting pictures taken by a creepy Weekly Volcano photographer (coping mechanism: talk about dead hookers)
Pretend make-out session between men
Stranger drinking our beer (and promising to take me to Portland)
Wrapping trash around body and wearing it like clothing
Running around imaginary bases at a ball field (max speed)
Unsuccessful jump over a road barrier (causing external bleeding)
Inappropriate behavior toward a lion statue (the lion's sex was determined to be male)
Imaginary motor-boating
Insulting the city of Tacoma during a karaoke song
Trying to steal alcohol behind the bar while a fight ensued

I'm not proud of what happened. And it's all a little fuzzy. And I have a strange bruise.

For My Personal Reference

All I'm doing here is forming a list of bars and drinkeries in the Tacoma area. In preparation of a 'night out' with the old school Seattle homies (98103!! where u at?!). These are the potential targets for grabbing food, and then copious beverages:

#1 Engine House No. 9
611 Pine St. (and 6th Ave.) 98406
-spacious, brews its own ale, located in historic building (1907)

#2 Red Hot
2914 6th Ave. 98406
-beers, hot dogs, weekday specials

#3 Crown Bar
2705 6th Ave. 98406
-good happy hour and menu, fully-stocked bar

#4 O'Malley's
2403 6th Ave. 98406
-dive bar, $1 PBR Mondays, pool, mostly beer?

#5 Puget Sound Pizza
317 South 7th Ave. 98402
-karaoke, delicious pizza

#6 Parkway Tavern
313 N I St. #1 98403
-cozy Stadium District watering hole, great beer prices

This isn't all of 'em, but a good start. 6 pm to 2 am...and you don't stop.

My New Knives

There was a huge sale at Gottschalk's this past week. Everything was 50% to 80% off. Everything including the mannequins, a Levi's 501 Jeans neon sign, lighted tables, and other department store display items. The mid-tier department chain is currently liquidating, and that means plenty of bargains for consumers.
I bought a few pairs of pants, a dish rack, and a set of knives. Regularly priced at $40, the set of four Farberware knives and storage block was discounted 50%. They looked a little cheap, but I didn't think I could find a better deal. And the lifetime warranty on the back says, "This fine product is warranted to be free from defects in material and workmanship." I'll take your word, Farberware. Your company has been in business for 100 years and you're responsible for such innovations as the "Coffee Robot" and the "Broiler Robot." Sadly, it is not this type of robot. Just your run-of-the-mill coffee maker.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh, yeah. I'm no longer limited to one sharp knife in my kitchen.
How do I get the most out of my cutlery? And what is each knife used for? The 5" Chef Knife is obviously for heavy duty chopping.
Then there's the santoku knife and santoku parer. The 5" santoku knife is a narrow-bladed cleaver, and it's apparently ideal for slicing cheese, tomatoes, and uncooked boneless poultry and meats. It is also used for chopping and dicing onions and other vegetables. Note that it should be used with a sawing motion, not a rocking motion. The 3.5" santoku parer, on the other hand, is used for cutting smaller food items. I'm only guessing this. But I would assume you go to this knife when the other knives are dirty.
Finally, the 5" serrated utility knife. It's used for cutting smaller breads, rolls, fruits and vegetables with tough skin.
So which is the best knife to use in a fight? I'm going to pick the parer, because it's the easiest to conceal in your prison jumpsuit.

The most important part about this learning experience?
I now know how to mince garlic.

That's A Good Question...

One of the challenges of my job in a public library is answering unexpected questions. Here are some difficult inquiries presented to me by patrons...and yes, there are times when even I don't know the answer.

1. I'm trying to find a book for a Ukrainian who is learning English.
All I could find was a Ukrainian-English dictionary on Amazon. There has to be a book somewhere that caters to Ukranian immigrants, but I couldn't find it.
2. I need to say something in church next week when it's time for tithes and offerings. Do you have any guides on this?
I could point her to prayer books in the 240s. But nothing specifically on how to lead church services. A church library or Christian bookstore would probably have better resources for this information need. Luckily, the woman found some sort of inspiration during our conversation (a moment of revelation through the Holy Spirit!!) and decided she no longer needed a book.
3. I would like to find out the salary of an employee of a non-profit organization. This is public information, right?
I overheard this inquiry, and I'm glad I didn't have to search for this. However, it was revealed by a co-worker that not all salaries of non-profit employees are disclosed.
4. I want a book with a good plot (from an eleven year-old).
I did answer this question successfully, after a series of other questions. She was requesting "The Clique" by Lisi Harrison, so I recommended "How To Be Popular" by Meg Cabot. Same genre (chick lit) and same reading level (young adult) = happy child. I've never read any YA chick lit, so this was an educated guess. Well, I guess "Twilight" fits in this genre.
5. My wife is in the hospital and she needs something to read.
It was clear during our conversation that the husband didn't know what kind of literature his wife liked. But we settled on a few romance books from the new paperback display.

Strange Library DVDs I've seen (garbage and obscure):
Chair Aerobics For Everyone: Chair Salsa!!
Beer For My Horses (starring Toby Keith)
Alien Invasion: Arizona
Potty Power
Tremors 4

Italian Disneyland

I learned recently that I'm going to Italy this fall for a relative's wedding.
I'll be spending time with family in the beautiful Lake Como area, with a few days in Milan. When I picked up the book "Eyewitness Travel Guide: Milan & The Lakes," I expected to read about all of the basilicas, art galleries, restaurants, shopping centers, etc. What surprised me is that there is a theme park in northern Italy called "Gardaland," which opened in 1975 and has a dragon mascot (Prezzemolo) instead of a mouse. I won't be making it there on my trip, but there are many reasons to go...which I will mention...and by no circumstances will I make fun of website's English translations. That's just culturally insensitive.

#1 Palablu: Italy's largest dolphin pool. Enough said.
#2 Space Vertigo: I'm not sure why the travel guide and website differ on the reason for falling 40 meters from a tower (reacting to a bacteriological alarm in the space station or to escape an alien invasion), but it's bound to get the adrenaline going!
#3 Blue Tornado: "Climb aboard the Blue Tornado like the mythical Top Guns, and strike out on a thrilling mission [website]."
#4 Colorado Boat: "Let yourself be carried down the impetuous Colorado River waterfalls, aboard a floating trunk [website]." The impetuousness of the rapids will cause a nervous excitation, whereupon the rider will gasp and shutter, and be jostled to and fro. My word! What a remarkable means of conveyance!
#5 Fantasy Kingdom: "Children will love this! The talking trees, singing animals and puppet show will keep them entertained for hours [travel guide]." In fact, you can just leave your kids there for a period of days while you are drinking chianti at the Pizzeria Saloon and enjoying the western and magic shows. The trees have excellent sleeping hollows for the children; their branches provide essential nutrients, and they tell stories that will slowly erase all previous memories. Word of caution: Never mention the Colorado Boat trunks!!!
#6 Baby Magic Club: I'm not making this name up.
#7 Funny Express: "The funniest train in the world is ready for departure from Fantasy Kingdom station [website]." When you stop laughing, you know the ride is over.
#8 Saltomotto: "Breathless emotions for "courageous" tots [website]." Courageous is in quotations marks, because children are weak and cowardly. But why mock them directly?
#9 Dinosaur Island: "On a remote island - and without human interference - dinosaurs have continued to exist. You can join an expedition to study and help save them [travel guide]." You should be concerned first and foremost with the preservation of prehistoric reptiles. Then you might want to stop them from devouring your children. (Exhibit not mentioned on website - possibly extinct? (sorry, bad pun))
#10 Time Voyagers: "Dash into the high canyons and gloomy meanders of a world that is still uncharted. The abyss swallows you up and only an alien life can come to your rescue [website]."

To explore the park yourself, consult this map. I genuinely think the Mammut roller coaster looks pretty fun. It's based on the following premise: Soviet scientists coming across a frozen woolly mammoth that appears to be alive - this somehow translates to a thrill-packed ride. I guess you're running away from the Mammut?

Homework assignment: What is the difference between a church and a basilica? Is it somewhat like the comparison between a man-made lake and reservoir?

Hit It On The Screws

I just finished reading a book called "Watching Baseball Smarter: A Professional Fan's Guide for Beginners, Semi-experts and Deeply Serious Geeks" (by Zack Hample). I guess I'm in one of the last two categories of baseball fans. It has a great overview of pitching, batting, fielding, and managerial strategies, as well as interesting information on stadiums, awards, and umpires (which reminds me, there's a book that just came out called "As They See 'Em" (by Bruce Weber) about officiating crews in the majors). I really appreciate the glossary in the back, because it reminds me of my favorite baseball terms. Here's a nice selection of lingo (as excerpted from the book):

golden sombrero: the dubious distinction of striking out four times in one game
$8 taxi ride: a very long home run
worm-burner: a ground ball that takes many small bounces (how I also describe some of my golf shots)
Punch 'n' Judy: a hitter with little power
aspirin tablet: a pitch thrown so fast that the ball looks like a little white speck
Baltimore Chop: a batted ball that hits home plate (or the hard dirt near it) and bounces so high that the fielders don't have time to make a play
on the interstate: batting below .200 (I-95, for example, looks like .195)
Lord Charles: a dominant curveball
human rain delay: a player who takes a long time to get ready between pitches

Items Of Interest

I come across so many questionable books and DVDs in my line of work. I feel it's my responsibility to share with you what items eat up a small percentage of Pierce County's property taxes. To be fair, most of these library titles are circulated quite frequently. So it's not like they don't get around, but they're still ridiculous:

Animal 2 [DVD]: Signals the official end of Ving Rhames' acting career.
Summary: James 'Animal' Allen is serving a life sentence for murder at Folsom Prison, taking the rap for his eldest son. After a brutal prison riot between the Mexicans and the Blacks he is transferred to Susanville Prison, where he previously served 15 years. On the outside, Animal's son, James Jr., has been franced for murder and is facing serious jail time. To help his son, Animal has no choice but to return to his violent past as a money fighter.

Fighting With Anger [DVD]: Willie Nelson in a lead acting role!!! Also he plays a hit man (I assume not very convincingly).
Summary: Ray is a young, beautiful and deadly assassin looking for answers about her past. Will is her aging mentor who assigns her to a series of new jobs and may know more about her than he is letting on. When the job goes bad and an innocent woman is killed, Ray is faced with the pain of her past and a new nemesis that emerges from the shadows.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Vampire [Paperback]: The cover features a woman in a revealing red teddy sitting seductively on a bed with red satin sheets. She appears to be waiting for a bat to come to her window. I'm not sure this has anything to do with Christ's birth.
Opening Excerpt: The air hummed with bass guitar and rampant lust. He'd come to the right place. Ian MacPhie strode across the renovated warehouse, his steps falling into rhythm with the pounding drums. The Horny Devils was the best place he could think of for finding a woman. The nightclub was teeming with them. All lovely and all Vamps.

Let's Elope! [Book]: Doesn't this guide take away the spontaneity of elopement? I thought the whole point is that you're not planning a wedding.
Summary: Eloping is the hot new trend in weddings, and this handbook is filled with creative ideas for couples to exchange their vows in a memorable, personal way that won't cost them a fortune.

The Gold Coast Cure: The 5-Week Health and Body Makeover A Lifestyle Plan to Shed Pounds, Gain Health and Reverse 10 Diseases [Book]: It's a lot like the South Beach Diet, but it's a little bit farther north, where they really know what they're doing.
Summary: Finally, the diet that slims and tones and also heals the immune system and prevents degenerative diseases! It's rare that a diet book comes along that matters. Not one that just helps you fit into your jeans but also changes your life.

Yes, finally! A rare diet book indeed.