Dance Floor Annihilators

This past weekend, the city of Leipzig, Germany hosted the Wave Gotik Treffen Festival. It is the largest festival for "gothic" or "dark culture," and features plenty of nonsensical bands that emote sadness and black eyeliner. I just had to share some of the bandnames on the schedule. I came up with some pretty bad bandnames in high school (like "Heroes in Time" and "Chaka Chaka Backpack"), but the following are either overdramatic or unoriginal or both. I feel so much pain and rejection just by reading them; the reason I'm not crying now is because I'm all out of tears. I welcome death into my arms like a crippled fawn. As Dieter from "Sprockets" would say, ""You disturb me to the point of insanity. There. I am insane now."

Theatre of Hate
Frozen Plasma
Illuminate
The Eternal Afflict
Draconian (good adjective, horrible name)
Die So Fluid
Scary Bitches
Whispers in the Shadow
My Dying Bride
Fang On Fur
Eyes of Eden
Icon of Coil
Amnistia (is this a nasal spray?)
Painbastard (huh?)
Inkubus Sukkubus
Solitary Experiments
Vomito Negro (pardon?)
Adoration

...and my favorite of the bunch is...
Cat Rapes Dog.

Remnants of Girl Groups

I came across a great book title while searching Amazon the other day (yes, that's what library employees do all day). It's called "Let's Talk About Pep," by former Salt n' Pepa member Sandy Denton. Which got me to thinking...Besides Beyonce, what happens to the stars of girl music groups after they break up? For Sandy, it was an appearance on VH1's The Surreal Life, where washed-up celebrities go to give up their last remaining piece of dignity. Here are a few updates that I'm sure will enlighten you:

Sporty Spice - Melanie Chisholm, known as "Melanie C," has released four solo albums in the last decade and has established her own record company, Red Girl Records. In February, she was the last of the Spice Girls to have a baby. Though Melanie's singles have only taken off in the UK, she has been the most successful artist of the five Spices. A lot of staying power...like frankincense.

T-Boz - Tionne Watkins, formerly of TLC, can currently be seen in NBC's Celebrity Apprentice and is dating 49ers linebacker Takeo Spikes. Since her group dissolved, she has only recorded two solo singles, which appeared on the soundtracks of "Fled" and "Rugrats In Paris." T-Boz has put a lot of her energy into running a children's boutique called Chase's Closet (which has one of the most repulsive myspace pages I've ever seen). But heads up - there is talk of a TLC movie and a solo album that has been in the works for two years.

Susanna Hoffs - The hot lead singer of the Bangles (which has reunited since their bad breakup in the 1989) put out a couple solo records in 1991 and 1996 and mustered one forgettable Top 40 Hit. Susanna married film director Jay Roach (Austin Powers, Meet the Parents) in 1993. In the last few years, she's partnered with rocker Matthew Sweet to produce two volumes of classic rock covers. Important note: Susanna's got a Renee Russo thing going on - still gorgeous at fifty years old! I will most certainly lay down on the side of your bed.

And if you're wondering what happened to t.A.T.u., they're still technically together. Though their fake lesbianism is not promoted as much anymore.

Overheard Conversation

While looking for a book on the shelves this afternoon, I happened to pick up on this chat between two (female) teenagers in the library.

"My friend told me you only have to be sixteen to work at Hooters...I'd like to work there, but I don't think my mom would like it."

This is NOT TRUE. According to Hooters.com:
You must be at least 17 years old for hourly employment opportunities with Hooters of America, Inc. and at least 18 or 21 for the Hooters Girl position depending on local alcohol service laws.
Also noted on the website:
There is no set requirement in order to be a nearly World Famous Hooters Girl! We look for the All-American Cheerleader / Surfer-Girl-Next-Door image to fill our restaurants. In other words...Very bubbly, outgoing personalities!

So there are no requirements except that you look like a cheerleader or surfer girl. I would think that hula-hooping ability might affect your prospects, though. And there are plenty of suggestions for Hooter girls such as:

-Never come to work with wet hair!
-Don't forget to wear blush! Doing so will leave you looking lifeless!
-Drink lots of water and eat lots of fruit and vegetables [pertaining to skin care].
-Always make sure to resist makeup trends that make you appear gaudy. Hooters girls have an appropriate image to maintain.
-Engage in an exercise routine at least three times a week to increase your metabolism, overall health, and on-the-job stamina [to stop you from getting fat].

What surprised me the most is that there are female employees that don't wear the white tanktops and tight orange shorts (above).

It's Time You Know Who I Am - A Major Player In The Dining Scene

Gosh, I can't tell you how much my life has changed in the last week.
Ever since I was featured in a short article about local eateries in the Weekly Volcano, things have been a lot different. Suddenly, I'm getting offers from the Albuquerque Weekly Alibi and the Vicksburg Post. Neither paper has promised any compensation, but they've said that if I show the same kind of energy I did while enjoying an amber beer and BLT (like above), I could really go places.

Maybe a few pics of me enjoying a chicken basket at Shoney's or sipping a vanilla shake at Mannie's Restaurant, and who knows what could happen? I could even make it to the dailies!

When writer/photographer Steve Dunkelberger approached me about a candid shot, I had no idea this would propel me to stardom. I was just enjoying a Saturday evening with friends. It just goes to show: If you put yourself out there, it's only a matter of time before someone realizes your potential as a youthful diner.

I've been talking to my agent and he thinks it's time for me to take my career to a new level. We're discussing a move to a bigger market like Bakersfield or Tulsa. I will never forget Tacoma and how I got my start. But I've got to start thinking about my future.
So far, I've been fortunate. Didn't even think about what I was wearing or ordering that day. Guess I'm a natural.

American Backpackers' Moments of Despair

A few months ago, a friend of mine posted the following as her Facebook status:
"I ate ramen alone in my last night in London."

It's the sort of statement that is supposed to induce feelings of pity. But in reality, there was no inclination to say, "There, there. Sorry about your day, but it will be alright." In fact, I was thinking, "This is ridiculous. You shouldn't be complaining about one lonely meal. You're traveling for two weeks in Europe...while I'm stuck in rainy Tacoma trudging to work every day. Deal with it."
But then I took another step back.
I shouldn't judge. It's not like I've never complained. Even when things are going especially peachy, there's always something negative to point out. What's ridiculous part is how Americans (myself included) feel entitled to certain luxuries and conditions. We take a lot for granted, and we're gotten used to indulging ourselves whenever it strikes us. And more often than acknowledging how privileged we are, we talk about what's wrong.
Like "I can't believe how slow this printer is" (without thinking about the state of computer printer technology 15 years ago or that our main concern is waiting a few more seconds).

Along that vein of thought, here are some imagined Facebook updates from American travelers (although I don't think they're too separated from reality):

The tapas are a hell of a lot better in Seville.

This is the smelliest karaoke room in all of Osaka.

Lost my copy of "The Fountainhead" in Guatemala City.

Sumatran blend straight from the source and no fucking soy milk.

After reading "Angels and Demons," I was expecting more from the Vatican.

Vegemite breakfast? No thank you. Not going to cure this hangover.

Got in a fight with my roommate this morning in Marseilles. He says the "Transporter 3" was filmed here. Yeah right.

Had it up to here with Dar Es Salaam. Adopting a baby is a pain in the ass.

Precious Finds

Just getting home from the library, and thought I'd share some quick thoughts on some items that caught my attention.

Best book title: Someday this pain will be useful to you (by Peter Cameron)
Worst book title: The Explosionist (by Jenny Davidson)

Best book description: The human body is beautiful and mysterious. The mysterious part reeks of cheese. But no part of your body is as scary and horrifying as your head! With such amazing information as: #1 Good Reasons for teeth removal: dentist did it; peer pressure; not sharp enough; found better teeth, like, on the ground; suspected of enjoying flossing; decay and mouth politics. #2 The real reason your ears can't hear your pets talking. The answer is simple: your pet is a mumbler. (From "Your disgusting head: The darkest, most offensive and moist secrets of your ears, mouth and nose" - the Haggis-on-Whey world of unbelievable brilliance series)
Worst book description: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...except when it doesn't. (from Kitty Raises Hell by Carrie Vaughn - online book summary is different than the book's back cover; someone must have caught on to how stupid that sounded)

Saturday Night's Events

If you look at the previous post on this blog, you'll notice I had circled a few bars to attend last weekend.

Let's just say we made it to four of them, and I'm glad the pictures are not posted anywhere. Yet.

The events can be summed up in this fashion:

Getting pictures taken by a creepy Weekly Volcano photographer (coping mechanism: talk about dead hookers)
Pretend make-out session between men
Stranger drinking our beer (and promising to take me to Portland)
Wrapping trash around body and wearing it like clothing
Running around imaginary bases at a ball field (max speed)
Unsuccessful jump over a road barrier (causing external bleeding)
Inappropriate behavior toward a lion statue (the lion's sex was determined to be male)
Imaginary motor-boating
Insulting the city of Tacoma during a karaoke song
Trying to steal alcohol behind the bar while a fight ensued

I'm not proud of what happened. And it's all a little fuzzy. And I have a strange bruise.

For My Personal Reference

All I'm doing here is forming a list of bars and drinkeries in the Tacoma area. In preparation of a 'night out' with the old school Seattle homies (98103!! where u at?!). These are the potential targets for grabbing food, and then copious beverages:

#1 Engine House No. 9
611 Pine St. (and 6th Ave.) 98406
-spacious, brews its own ale, located in historic building (1907)

#2 Red Hot
2914 6th Ave. 98406
-beers, hot dogs, weekday specials

#3 Crown Bar
2705 6th Ave. 98406
-good happy hour and menu, fully-stocked bar

#4 O'Malley's
2403 6th Ave. 98406
-dive bar, $1 PBR Mondays, pool, mostly beer?

#5 Puget Sound Pizza
317 South 7th Ave. 98402
-karaoke, delicious pizza

#6 Parkway Tavern
313 N I St. #1 98403
-cozy Stadium District watering hole, great beer prices

This isn't all of 'em, but a good start. 6 pm to 2 am...and you don't stop.

My New Knives

There was a huge sale at Gottschalk's this past week. Everything was 50% to 80% off. Everything including the mannequins, a Levi's 501 Jeans neon sign, lighted tables, and other department store display items. The mid-tier department chain is currently liquidating, and that means plenty of bargains for consumers.
I bought a few pairs of pants, a dish rack, and a set of knives. Regularly priced at $40, the set of four Farberware knives and storage block was discounted 50%. They looked a little cheap, but I didn't think I could find a better deal. And the lifetime warranty on the back says, "This fine product is warranted to be free from defects in material and workmanship." I'll take your word, Farberware. Your company has been in business for 100 years and you're responsible for such innovations as the "Coffee Robot" and the "Broiler Robot." Sadly, it is not this type of robot. Just your run-of-the-mill coffee maker.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh, yeah. I'm no longer limited to one sharp knife in my kitchen.
How do I get the most out of my cutlery? And what is each knife used for? The 5" Chef Knife is obviously for heavy duty chopping.
Then there's the santoku knife and santoku parer. The 5" santoku knife is a narrow-bladed cleaver, and it's apparently ideal for slicing cheese, tomatoes, and uncooked boneless poultry and meats. It is also used for chopping and dicing onions and other vegetables. Note that it should be used with a sawing motion, not a rocking motion. The 3.5" santoku parer, on the other hand, is used for cutting smaller food items. I'm only guessing this. But I would assume you go to this knife when the other knives are dirty.
Finally, the 5" serrated utility knife. It's used for cutting smaller breads, rolls, fruits and vegetables with tough skin.
So which is the best knife to use in a fight? I'm going to pick the parer, because it's the easiest to conceal in your prison jumpsuit.

The most important part about this learning experience?
I now know how to mince garlic.

That's A Good Question...

One of the challenges of my job in a public library is answering unexpected questions. Here are some difficult inquiries presented to me by patrons...and yes, there are times when even I don't know the answer.

1. I'm trying to find a book for a Ukrainian who is learning English.
All I could find was a Ukrainian-English dictionary on Amazon. There has to be a book somewhere that caters to Ukranian immigrants, but I couldn't find it.
2. I need to say something in church next week when it's time for tithes and offerings. Do you have any guides on this?
I could point her to prayer books in the 240s. But nothing specifically on how to lead church services. A church library or Christian bookstore would probably have better resources for this information need. Luckily, the woman found some sort of inspiration during our conversation (a moment of revelation through the Holy Spirit!!) and decided she no longer needed a book.
3. I would like to find out the salary of an employee of a non-profit organization. This is public information, right?
I overheard this inquiry, and I'm glad I didn't have to search for this. However, it was revealed by a co-worker that not all salaries of non-profit employees are disclosed.
4. I want a book with a good plot (from an eleven year-old).
I did answer this question successfully, after a series of other questions. She was requesting "The Clique" by Lisi Harrison, so I recommended "How To Be Popular" by Meg Cabot. Same genre (chick lit) and same reading level (young adult) = happy child. I've never read any YA chick lit, so this was an educated guess. Well, I guess "Twilight" fits in this genre.
5. My wife is in the hospital and she needs something to read.
It was clear during our conversation that the husband didn't know what kind of literature his wife liked. But we settled on a few romance books from the new paperback display.

Strange Library DVDs I've seen (garbage and obscure):
Chair Aerobics For Everyone: Chair Salsa!!
Beer For My Horses (starring Toby Keith)
Alien Invasion: Arizona
Potty Power
Tremors 4

Italian Disneyland

I learned recently that I'm going to Italy this fall for a relative's wedding.
I'll be spending time with family in the beautiful Lake Como area, with a few days in Milan. When I picked up the book "Eyewitness Travel Guide: Milan & The Lakes," I expected to read about all of the basilicas, art galleries, restaurants, shopping centers, etc. What surprised me is that there is a theme park in northern Italy called "Gardaland," which opened in 1975 and has a dragon mascot (Prezzemolo) instead of a mouse. I won't be making it there on my trip, but there are many reasons to go...which I will mention...and by no circumstances will I make fun of website's English translations. That's just culturally insensitive.

#1 Palablu: Italy's largest dolphin pool. Enough said.
#2 Space Vertigo: I'm not sure why the travel guide and website differ on the reason for falling 40 meters from a tower (reacting to a bacteriological alarm in the space station or to escape an alien invasion), but it's bound to get the adrenaline going!
#3 Blue Tornado: "Climb aboard the Blue Tornado like the mythical Top Guns, and strike out on a thrilling mission [website]."
#4 Colorado Boat: "Let yourself be carried down the impetuous Colorado River waterfalls, aboard a floating trunk [website]." The impetuousness of the rapids will cause a nervous excitation, whereupon the rider will gasp and shutter, and be jostled to and fro. My word! What a remarkable means of conveyance!
#5 Fantasy Kingdom: "Children will love this! The talking trees, singing animals and puppet show will keep them entertained for hours [travel guide]." In fact, you can just leave your kids there for a period of days while you are drinking chianti at the Pizzeria Saloon and enjoying the western and magic shows. The trees have excellent sleeping hollows for the children; their branches provide essential nutrients, and they tell stories that will slowly erase all previous memories. Word of caution: Never mention the Colorado Boat trunks!!!
#6 Baby Magic Club: I'm not making this name up.
#7 Funny Express: "The funniest train in the world is ready for departure from Fantasy Kingdom station [website]." When you stop laughing, you know the ride is over.
#8 Saltomotto: "Breathless emotions for "courageous" tots [website]." Courageous is in quotations marks, because children are weak and cowardly. But why mock them directly?
#9 Dinosaur Island: "On a remote island - and without human interference - dinosaurs have continued to exist. You can join an expedition to study and help save them [travel guide]." You should be concerned first and foremost with the preservation of prehistoric reptiles. Then you might want to stop them from devouring your children. (Exhibit not mentioned on website - possibly extinct? (sorry, bad pun))
#10 Time Voyagers: "Dash into the high canyons and gloomy meanders of a world that is still uncharted. The abyss swallows you up and only an alien life can come to your rescue [website]."

To explore the park yourself, consult this map. I genuinely think the Mammut roller coaster looks pretty fun. It's based on the following premise: Soviet scientists coming across a frozen woolly mammoth that appears to be alive - this somehow translates to a thrill-packed ride. I guess you're running away from the Mammut?

Homework assignment: What is the difference between a church and a basilica? Is it somewhat like the comparison between a man-made lake and reservoir?

Hit It On The Screws

I just finished reading a book called "Watching Baseball Smarter: A Professional Fan's Guide for Beginners, Semi-experts and Deeply Serious Geeks" (by Zack Hample). I guess I'm in one of the last two categories of baseball fans. It has a great overview of pitching, batting, fielding, and managerial strategies, as well as interesting information on stadiums, awards, and umpires (which reminds me, there's a book that just came out called "As They See 'Em" (by Bruce Weber) about officiating crews in the majors). I really appreciate the glossary in the back, because it reminds me of my favorite baseball terms. Here's a nice selection of lingo (as excerpted from the book):

golden sombrero: the dubious distinction of striking out four times in one game
$8 taxi ride: a very long home run
worm-burner: a ground ball that takes many small bounces (how I also describe some of my golf shots)
Punch 'n' Judy: a hitter with little power
aspirin tablet: a pitch thrown so fast that the ball looks like a little white speck
Baltimore Chop: a batted ball that hits home plate (or the hard dirt near it) and bounces so high that the fielders don't have time to make a play
on the interstate: batting below .200 (I-95, for example, looks like .195)
Lord Charles: a dominant curveball
human rain delay: a player who takes a long time to get ready between pitches

Items Of Interest

I come across so many questionable books and DVDs in my line of work. I feel it's my responsibility to share with you what items eat up a small percentage of Pierce County's property taxes. To be fair, most of these library titles are circulated quite frequently. So it's not like they don't get around, but they're still ridiculous:

Animal 2 [DVD]: Signals the official end of Ving Rhames' acting career.
Summary: James 'Animal' Allen is serving a life sentence for murder at Folsom Prison, taking the rap for his eldest son. After a brutal prison riot between the Mexicans and the Blacks he is transferred to Susanville Prison, where he previously served 15 years. On the outside, Animal's son, James Jr., has been franced for murder and is facing serious jail time. To help his son, Animal has no choice but to return to his violent past as a money fighter.

Fighting With Anger [DVD]: Willie Nelson in a lead acting role!!! Also he plays a hit man (I assume not very convincingly).
Summary: Ray is a young, beautiful and deadly assassin looking for answers about her past. Will is her aging mentor who assigns her to a series of new jobs and may know more about her than he is letting on. When the job goes bad and an innocent woman is killed, Ray is faced with the pain of her past and a new nemesis that emerges from the shadows.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Vampire [Paperback]: The cover features a woman in a revealing red teddy sitting seductively on a bed with red satin sheets. She appears to be waiting for a bat to come to her window. I'm not sure this has anything to do with Christ's birth.
Opening Excerpt: The air hummed with bass guitar and rampant lust. He'd come to the right place. Ian MacPhie strode across the renovated warehouse, his steps falling into rhythm with the pounding drums. The Horny Devils was the best place he could think of for finding a woman. The nightclub was teeming with them. All lovely and all Vamps.

Let's Elope! [Book]: Doesn't this guide take away the spontaneity of elopement? I thought the whole point is that you're not planning a wedding.
Summary: Eloping is the hot new trend in weddings, and this handbook is filled with creative ideas for couples to exchange their vows in a memorable, personal way that won't cost them a fortune.

The Gold Coast Cure: The 5-Week Health and Body Makeover A Lifestyle Plan to Shed Pounds, Gain Health and Reverse 10 Diseases [Book]: It's a lot like the South Beach Diet, but it's a little bit farther north, where they really know what they're doing.
Summary: Finally, the diet that slims and tones and also heals the immune system and prevents degenerative diseases! It's rare that a diet book comes along that matters. Not one that just helps you fit into your jeans but also changes your life.

Yes, finally! A rare diet book indeed.