Nativity Camel

World Leader Intros, Part Deux

2011-03-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

Introductions for world leaders continued. In two weeks, we'll find out who will be crowned above everyone.

The Asian Leaders

Bill Bowman
Mammal Name: Genghis Khan
Highest Finish: 1st (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: Khan's empire was four times larger than the empire of Alexander the Great. Even after his death, his successors increased the size of the Mongol kingdom. Until they got to Vienna, which featured a dense fortification of harpsichords.

Sue Bowman
Name: Queen of Sheba
Highest Finish: 1st (2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: In the Hebrew biblical account, the Queen of Sheba travels to King Solomon's land to offer him gifts of gold, spices, and stones, and he reciprocated by giving her everything she desired. But that's not how she remembers him. He was actually a bit of a tightwad.

Kim
Name: Snow Leopard
Highest Finish: 1st (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: In Central Asia, the snow leopard is an endangered species partly because its skin, bones and organs are highly valued for their uses in traditional medicine. Tylenol hasn't quite caught on in Tajikistan. (I assume Kim is sticking with the same name because it worked for him last year)

The European Leaders

Robert
Name: Nero CCAG
Highest Finish: 4th (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: Nero rose to the position of Roman Emperor when his mother Agrippina poisoned his stepfather Claudius. Nero later killed his mother when she opposed his choice of a mistress, Poppaea Sabina, whom he also later murdered. This history of violence is perhaps why no one focuses on the Nero's mastery of the lyre.

Peter
Name: Silvio Berlusconi (pictured above)
Highest Finish: 1st (2006, 2007)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: In comparison to Nero, the Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi is a saint. He's only been accused of tax fraud, embezzlement, paying for sex with a minor, and bribing a judge...and well, he's still in power. So he must be innocent on all charges.

Michael Busick
Name: Pope John Paul I
Highest Finish: 7th (2006, 2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: John Paul I was truly the William Henry Harrison of popes, only lasting 33 days in his papal office. But how glorious those days were, in the summer of 1978, when Barry Gibb dominated the music charts with four No. 1 hits.

Michael Heiser
Name: Mussolini
Highest Finish: 3rd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: Known to his citizens as "Il Duce," Mussolini was a fascist leader who dreamed of bringing Italy back to glory, after the country fell into economic ruin after the First World War. Unfortunately, invading Albania and joining forces with Adolph Hitler will only get you so far.

Tom
Name: Hrothgar
Highest Finish: 3rd (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: Hrothgar was a legendary Danish king that appeared in Beowulf and many Norse sagas and poems. So I'm assuming he looked something like a Viking, with a gallant white beard and rosy cheeks. But maybe I'm thinking of the cartoon series David the Gnome, which was on Nickelodeon when I was 8 years old.

Tina (sister-in-law)
Name: Empress Theodora
Highest Finish: 2nd (2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: Before she became a Byzantine empress (on April 4th, 527 - the same date as this year's Final Four championship game), Theodora was the daughter of a bear trainer and an actress. She and her husband Justinian transformed Constantinople (Istanbul) into a modern city with aqueducts and bridges, as well as constructing the Hagia Sophia.

Bruce Treut
Name: Benito Regale
Highest Finish: 22nd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: I'm not sure who this person is. Google was no help. Could it be a second Mussolini? A character in an obscure movie or book? Maybe a sandwich? Whatever the case, it seems to helping Bruce. He's tied for 12th, which is an improvement after last year.

The African Leaders

Alison
Name: Cleopatra Last Pharoah of Egypt
Highest Finish: 2nd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: I didn't realize how much Cleopatra got around, until reading about her marriages to two pharoahs (who were also her brothers), and her relationships with Caesar and Mark Antony. But you have to understand it was a different time back then, and ruler husbands had short life expectancies.

Rick (brother)
Name: Emperor Haile Selassie
Highest Finish: 7th (2003, 2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: His name means "Might of the Trinity," and he is perceived as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ by Rastafarians. Haile Selassie's reign as the Emperor of Ethiopia began in 1930 before it was interrupted by a Mussolini-led Italian invasion. When he returned to power , he created a special place called Zion. Jah, man.

World Leader Intros, Part Un

2011-03-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Time to get to know who you're playing against, March Madness pool participants. Let's start with the stalwarts of the two 20th Century superpowers, followed by other important people of the Western Hemisphere. Notably absent from our field are Manuel Noriega, Pancho Villa, and James Buchanan.

The Americans

Aunt Pat

Name: Abe Lincoln

Highest Finish: 6th (2010)

2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.

Fun fact: In his famous debates with Democrat Stephen Douglas, Abraham Lincoln proclaimed that a “house divided against itself cannot stand.” He also coined the saying, “check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

Charles

Name: ESPN-worldwide leader in sports

Highest Finish: 9th (2009)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: “Jim Rome Is Burning” is the second most popular television program in Suriname.

Vince O’Flaherty

Name: Vincent O’Flaherty

Highest Finish: 1st (2003)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas St.

Fun fact: In 1982, Mr. O’Flaherty discovered the original recipe for Coca-Cola underneath a seat cushion inside an Atlanta waffle house. He promptly used it as a napkin.

Bill Rochfort

Name: Bill Rochfort

Highest Finish: Rookie

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: Mr. Rochfort has 12-game winning streak in Chinese checkers, and yet he has never won a game of HORSE. It’s unbelievable, really...

The Russians

Matt Bowman

Name: Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov

Highest Finish: 6th (2009)

2011 Champion Pick: Pittsburgh

Fun fact: During Vladimir Lenin’s five year reign, civil war broke out in Russia. Lenin called on his Red Army to defeat the dissidents, known as the White Russians. Why isn’t there a popular cocktail called “Red Army?” How much grenadine is too much grenadine?

Mom/Nancy

Name: Nikita Khrushchev

Highest Finish: 4th (2009)

2011 Champion Pick: San Diego St.

Fun fact: In 1963, Khrushchev decided to remove Soviet missiles from Cuba, and a catastrophic confrontation between two superpowers was avoided. But he did leave a fully operational 120-foot tall Molotov cocktail on the island, just as a reminder.

Brian

Name: Feodor the Bellringer

Highest Finish: 2nd (2005)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: Feodor took a different approach to governing than his father Ivan the Terrible. He let his brother-in-law run the country, while he traveled to various cities and rang church bells. In his journal, the tsar kept personalized rankings of the most comfortable church pews. The Church of Christ in Irkutsk was his favorite.

The Pan-American Revolutionaries

Paula

Name: Evita

Highest Finish: 3rd (2007)

2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.

Fun fact: Before marrying Argentine president Juan Peron, Eva Peron worked as a radio and television actress. Madonna, who played “Evita” in the movie, has never taken an acting class in her life.

Missy (girlfriend)

Name: Che

Highest Finish: Rookie

2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.

Fun fact: Until Che was executed in 1967, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were the most famous people to be killed by the Bolivian Army.

Me aka The Commish

Name: Fidel Castro (pictured above)

Highest Finish: 1st (2002, 2004)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: After being released from a Cuban prison, Castro went to Mexico to plan his overthrowing of General Batista’s government. Che Guevara joined forces with Castro, on the condition that no other insurgent in their group would be able to wear a beret. Che didn’t want anyone stealing his signature look, least of all Castro.

Dad/Jim

Name: Pierre Trudeau (pictured above)

Highest Finish: 2nd (2003, 2008)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: John Lennon once said that “if all politicians were like Pierre Trudeau, there would be world peace.” Yoko Ono, on the other hand, was a fervent believer in Quebec separatism, and heckled Trudeau every chance she got.

In a day or two, get to know the rest of your competition...from the far reaches of Europe, Africa and Asia.

World Dream Team

2011-03-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

In 2008 and 2010, the USA men's basketball team returned to prominence by winning a gold medal in Beijing and the World Championship in Turkey. But recent American teams haven't been nearly as dominant as the 1992 or 1994 Dream Teams. In 1992, the U.S. won each game by an average of 43.8 points (Croatia came the closest, only losing by 32 points). During those eight games, the NBA players shot 58% from the floor and Michael Jordan had 37 steals. Dream Team II, led by Shaquille O'Neal, Reggie Miller, and Dominique Wilkins, beat their opponents by an average of 37.7 points. In the 1994 gold medal game, the Americans crushed the Russians 137-91, the second most points scored by a U.S. team in international play.

The magnificence of the first two Dream Teams will never be matched, that's for sure. Well, at least not in the Olympic Games. But I can imagine a far greater force, a group that would command more respect than NBA players, and would have the power to alter history more significantly. "Impossible," you say, "what could be better than Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Larry Bird playing together as a team on the hardwood?" If you guessed a reunion of the original members of Cream, you're wrong. Trust me on this one.

What I propose is a World Leader Dream Team, made up of historical figures of unquestionable strength and resolve. Together, I believe they would destroy anyone who tried to oppose them, impose their will upon both their supporters and retractors, and possibly start a few revolutions along the way. Maybe they'd even get around to poverty and world peace. It was hard to leave Mussolini off this roster, but he just doesn't work well in a group. Here are your starters for the World Leader Dream Team, by position:

Point Guard: Nelson Mandela

He spent over 25 years in a South African prison for his political beliefs, and when he was released, he helped end apartheid and establish multi-racial democracy. Mandela also got married for the third time on his 80th birthday, so you know this guy will never stop hustling on the court. Good at setting screens and directing his teammates.

Guard: Simon Bolivar

This talented Venezuelan military leader was one of the main reasons Colombia, Peru, Panama, Ecuador and much of South America gain independence from Spain. Oh yeah, and in 1825, people named a country after him. Expert defender and liberator of basketballs.

Small Forward: Catherine The Great

Not just anyone can extend serfdom to parts of Ukraine. During her 34-year reign, she went to war with the Ottoman Empire and expanded Russia's control of the Baltics and the Middle East. She even encouraged exploration of Alaska. Very useful post player.

Power Forward: Henry V

I never read the Shakespeare play. It probably wasn't as tragic as Othello. This battle-tested veteran, however, did lead a successful attack on Normandy and many parts of France. Henry V is most famous for the Battle of Agincourt (1415), where his outnumbered, exhausted army routed the French, thanks to the English longbow. So be careful when he steps out to the perimeter. With his deadly three point accuracy, he can shred a weak zone defense.

Center: Ghengis Khan

Today, you see his face on Mongolian banknotes and Kazakhstan coins, and you probably think of him as a conquering invader of China and Central Asia. But he was a uniter, not a divider. Khan made of confederation of all the tribes on the Mongol steppes...and then he went about taking all the territory that spanned the Silk Road, from the Black Sea to the Pacific Ocean. Good luck trying to stop him in the paint.

Reserves: Chiang Kai-shek, Joan of Arc, Andrew Jackson, Ramses II, Prince Henry the Navigator, Benazir Bhutto

The Fearless #12 Seeds

2011-03-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

Remember Cornell's improbable run to the Sweet Sixteen last year? An Ivy League team totally obliterated Temple (the Atlantic 10 champion) and Big Ten powerhouse Wisconsin in the first two rounds. Well, it wasn't that improbable. Since 1985, the No. 12 seeds have beaten the No. 5 seeds 33.7% of the time. I feel like I keep recycling this fact every year of my commissionership, but it still astounds me that #5 seeds perform so poorly. In every NCAA tournament, it's pretty much guaranteed that one or two #12 underdogs will prevail. In your bracket, you have five possible 5-12 upset scenarios (because there is a play-in game between UAB/Clemson for the chance to play #5 West Virginia). So, who do you pick?

I think the key to predicting these games, like any other first round games, is evaluating the quality of coaching and team leadership. In 2004, Manhattan knocked off Florida in the first round on the back of senior guard Luis Flores, who scored 26 points en route to a 15-point victory. Flores, the nation's third leading scorer that year, attacked the Gators mercilessly from everywhere and created opportunities for his teammates. However, the Jaspers' amazing performance may also be partly attributed to great coaching. Manhattan coach Bobby Gonzalez told his players not to think about the game like an "upset," and to ignore the team name on the other jerseys. He reminded them how close they came to winning against Syracuse (the eventual champion) in the previous year, and that given another chance, they would win. You can take into account other factors, such as Florida's lackluster play in the second half of the season, and the Jaspers out-rebounding the Gators 36-26...but ultimately, Manhattan had a gifted and passionate leader on the court (Flores), and a coach who inspired his players.

(On interesting sidenote, Bobby Gonzalez was fired from Seton Hall in 2010 after a first round game in the NIT, in which one of his players punched an opposing player in the groin and the coach received his 7th technical foul of the season...so maybe, in that case, he inspired his players to play too aggressively. Luis Flores, by the way, is playing for a Ukrainian team, BC Donetsk, after an unsuccessful stint in the NBA.)

So, given our recent history lesson, do Richmond, Utah State, Memphis, and UAB or Clemson have the tools to pull off wins over the #5 seeds? Out of these 5 teams, Richmond, Utah State, and Clemson all suffered first-round losses last year in March Madness, so their players have been on the big stage before. UAB and Richmond both have senior players who score 17+ points per game, in guard Jamarr Sanders and forward Justin Harper, respectively. Richmond's Harper is a special player who can score and rebound in the paint and shoot threes (46% from beyond the arc, and 54% FG overall). Utah State and Memphis feature more balanced attacks, with scoring distributed more evenly among the players. More offensive options should be a good thing, right? Yes, in theory...but time and time again, we see stars like Stephen Curry of Davidson lighting up the scoreboards and carrying their teams to victory. I'll go ahead and make the argument that in tournament play, you'd rather have one great player than a bunch of good players...because great coaching should be able to squeeze more out of an adequate supporting cast, whereas a marquis player is essential and harder to come by. In terms of coaching, Utah State has the edge. In 11 seasons, Aggies coach Stew Morrill has led his team to at least 23 wins every season but one (21 in 2008), and Utah State has been in the NIT or NCAA tournament every year he's been on the sidelines.

Whoa...I'm overwhelmed by all the information I've been digging up. Look, just take Richmond as your upset pick. It's what all the pundits and sportswriters say, and I happen to agree with them. Now that I've overanalyzed these first round matchups, I've left little time to study who actually will win the NCAA championship. Oh well, there are only really three teams to choose from - the Dukies, the Buckeyes, and the Jayhawks. Right?

Book Smarts

2011-03-11T23:08:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we find out who will represent the Ivy League in the NCAA tournament. Harvard and Princeton will have a one-game playoff at Yale University, of all places. According to Joe Lunardi of ESPN, the teams are playing for a No. 13 seed. That's right - Harvard and Princeton, the No. 1 and No. 2 national universities in US News World and Report's 2011 rankings, are fighting for a double-digit seed in the big dance. I know the NCAA tournament selection committee does not consider graduation and retention rates of colleges when determining where to place teams, nor does it evaluate student selectivity (standard SAT scores for Harvard and Princeton freshmen usually range from 1390-1580).

But how would the brackets look if they were based on academic rankings? Based on U.S. World News and Report's findings, out of the teams heading to the tournament, here's who would capture No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 and No. 4 seeds. This, of course, is an alternate universe where educational excellence is valued over athletics (and the sports entertainment industry and merchandising and television licensing). And I'm not saying I want to see a group of guys from MIT play a pick-up game. I just thought it would be interesting to see the brackets re-organized in this fashion. Next to each university is its overall score in USNW&R.

East Region - No. 1: Harvard/Princeton (100)

Southwest Region - No. 1: Notre Dame (78)

Southeast Region - No. 1: Duke (90)

West Region - No. 1: Vanderbilt (80)

East Region - No. 2: Georgetown (74)

Southwest Region - No. 2: Michigan (71)

Southeast Region - No. 2: North Carolina (70)

West Region - No. 2: UCLA (73)

East Region - No. 3: Boston College (63)

Southwest Region - No. 3: Illinois (61)

Southeast Region - No. 3: Wisconsin (61)

West Region - No. 3: Washington (59)

East Region - No. 4: Pittsburgh (52)

Southwest Region - No. 4: Texas (57)

Southeast Region - No. 4: Florida (57)

West Region - No. 4: Ohio State (53)

So it's not surprising that all of the No. 1 seeds are private universities, in this little experiment. However, there are a ton of great state schools. In closing, I would really like to see a Johns Hopkins get a Division I men's basketball team, despite a couple of weak showings against Swarthmore and Ursinus this year.

Goin' Back In Time

2011-03-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

If you follow South Carolina college basketball as closely as I do (and I'm not just talking about the Gamecocks), you know that the Wofford Terriers made their way back into the NCAA men's tournament. Last year, the Terriers lost in the first round as a No. 13 seed to the Wisconsin Badgers by four points. This year, Wofford is projected as a No. 15 seed. So the chances they're going to move on to the second round are slim. But Wofford still gets an award for "most questionable pronounciation." Does the first syllable sound like the "wa" in "waffles?" Or is it a "woe" or "woo" sound? Probably depends on what region of the country you hail from...

Wofford does have one of the cuter live mascots: Blitz II, a Boston Terrier (pictured here with Boss, the costume mascot). The only other tournament-bound pet that rivals Blitz II in terms of adorability is Rocky, the UNC-Asheville Bulldog.

Before we get a chance to fill out our brackets for 2011, let's take a look back...all the way back to 2010. (Here's a link showing last year's results, in case you're curious).

Could the 2010 tourney darlings contend for the crown again in 2011?

Last year's Elite Eight featured two SEC teams and two Big 12 teams, and none of them made the Final Four. As of right now, all of the final eight teams in 2010 are probably making the tournament this year, except for Baylor. Here's a quick snapshot of each team:

Duke

2011: 27-4

How did the Blue Devils move on without their team captain (and points and assists leader) John Scheyer? They still have guard Nolan Smith, who is the 11th leading scorer in the nation. Plus Kyle Singler is averaging 17 points per game and those meddlesome Plumlee brothers are still throwing their weight around in the paint.

Butler

2011: 22-9

The Bulldogs won't go away. At least not yet. Butler lost to rival Milwaukee twice during the season, but was able to beat them in the Horizon Conference tournament to clinch a postseason berth. They've got loads of experience and two capable playmakers (Howard and Mack).

West Virginia

2011: 20-10

The Mountaineers have maintained a stingy defense, allowing 64 points per game. They also rank 6th in three-point FG defense. This team includes five seniors, and a man whose first name is Truck (Bryant).

Michigan State

2011: 17-13

Everyone, including myself, thought the Spartans were headed back to the Final Four. But they'll be lucky if they get a tournament invite. A first round loss to Iowa in the Big Ten tourney will put them in the NIT.

Tennessee

2011: 18-13

The Volunteers are ridiculously inconsistent. Earlier this season, they beat #7 Pitt, and then managed to score only 48 points in a loss to the University of Charlotte. Might have something to do with the coaching duties being split between suspended coach Bruce Pearl and associate coach Tony Jones.

Kansas State

2011: 22-9

The most frightening head coach in basketball, Frank Martin, will hurt me if I say anything bad about the #19 Wildcats. KSU has won 8 out of its last 9 games, including three wins against ranked teams.

Kentucky

2011: 22-8

The three leading scorers on Calipari's squad are freshmen. And I imagine they'll be joining John Wall in the NBA very soon. So don't get used to Terrence Jones in a blue jersey. A teenager from New Jersey named Michael Gilchrist is already in line to replace him at power forward. You'll know his name next year.

Baylor

2011: 18-12

The Bears lost to Texas Tech, Iowa State, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State this season. Those are the worst teams in the Big 12, just so you know. Their quality wins against Texas A&M won't save them.

Best Hobo Names (Courtesy Of John Hodgman)

2010-05-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

I like ridiculous nicknames. Especially those names that are coined for imaginary hoboes. And that is why I want to thank John Hodgman, Apple commercial actor and writer of the book "The Areas Of My Expertise." Here is a selection of hobo names from the aforementioned book.

Cleats Onionpocket

Balloonpopper Chillingsworth

Saves-Receipts Dave

Canadian Football Pete

Happy Horace Noosemaker

Cincinnati O'Gurk

Free-Peanuts Doug

Gravybelly Dunstan

Extra-Skin Dave

Brendan Headbristles

Manuel Pants-Too-High

Weekend-Circular Debora

Air and Whiskey Dale McGlue

George Slay, the Duck Throttler

Fleabottle Boone

Huge Crybaby McWeepy

Prettynickels, the Lamb

Beef Grease Porter Dripchin

Oregon Perry Hashpipe

Myron Biscuitspear, the Dumpster Archeologist

Tennessee Linthelmet

Harry Coughblood

Smokehouse "Frankie" Jowl-Poker

Both Dakotas Dave

The Sound of Silence

2010-04-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

If anyone still reads this blog, I have an important update.
As you know, there has been little news regarding the Chuckman's bottle opener, which I kidnapped two months ago. I regret to inform the general public that the unpopular Wazzu bottle opener is no longer with us. After it returned to Seattle from Chicago, I was so sickened by its appearance that I promptly threw it away. It will never again play the Washington State Fight song and punish the good people who wish to drink beer at Charles' apartment. Here is a quick eulogy for the Cougar bottle opener:

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
We will never forget
How much the Cougars suck

Amen.

The Ballad Of The Cougar Bottle Opener

2010-04-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

If you follow the national pastime, I don't have to tell you where Charles' Cougar opener landed recently. Pictured is the ivy wall of a ballpark known as "The Friendly Confines." If the Chicago Cubs are The Lovable Losers, what does that make the Washington State Cougars? I've narrowed it down to these choices and taken alliteration to a whole new level:

(a) The Amiable Asses
(b) The Friendly Failures
(c) The Copacetic Cads
(d) The Likable Lemons
(e) The Righteous Rabble
(f) The Fetching Flops

and...this one's just for Charles...
(g) The Palatable Palousers

What?
You thought the tour of "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener" was over? It's got frequent flyer miles now. It can go anywhere it pleases. With free peanuts. It has no reason to return to Charles' open arms (cue the Journey song).

Done With Alacrity!

2010-04-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

Don't know if anyone noticed (probably not), but I picked the Elite Eight game results perfectly based on strengths of the team mascots. I knew there was a science to March Madness. I just didn't know someone with a Bachelor of Arts degree and Master's degree (like myself) could understand it. Turns out you don't need a Ph.D. in bracketology. You just need the ability to analyze anthropomorphized characters wearing synthetic fur.
Like any true scientist, I need to test my hypothesis again to make sure it's valid. Let's give it another shot. By Monday, we'll know if I can submit my research to an academic journal.

Final Four Semifinals
Hink the Bulldog (Butler) vs. Sparty (Michigan State)
Sparty's state-of-the-art costume, consisting of fiberglass molds and a vinyl chest plate, costs $8,000. In this formal attire, the jolly green giant supports Michigan State athletes and fans in many ways, including weddings and barmitzvahs. You don't have to be at a sports event to party with Sparty.
But I should mention that Hink is not the only mascot at Butler. There's Butler Blue II (pictured above with Colin Powell), a six year-old bulldog that runs onto the court before home games. If the NCAA Final Four officials allow him to run loose, so will the basketball team.
Edge: Hink and Butler Blue II. They only have to travel 5.7 miles from the Butler campus to Lucas Oil Stadium. Heck, they could even take public transportation. Indianapolis does have a bus system, right?

The Mountaineer (West Virginia) vs. The Blue Devil (Duke)
Both mascots have a long history of cheering on athletes and cheering up fans. Mountaineer men and women have been supporting West Virginia (in costume) since the 1934-35 season. The only lapse in their service to fans was during 1943 and 1944, when I assume the Mountaineer was abroad fighting the Axis powers. The Blue Devil made its first appearance at a football game in 1929. In the early years, it looked like a court jester with horns.
Edge: The Mountaineer. A man versus a devil doesn't seem like a fair fight. But this reminds me eerily of "The Devil and Daniel Webster."

NCAA Championship Final
Hink and Butler Blue II vs. The Mountaineer
Edge: The Mountaineer. I want to apologize for suggesting in an earlier post that The Mountaineer was a man. For the entire 2009-10 season, The Mountaineer is Rebecca Durst (next year, it's Brock Burwell). A pretty woman in buckskins versus a cute little dog? Rebecca wins by a nose.

Now that I have it all figured out, please excuse me. I need to call my bookie.

Most Unattractive, But Beneficial

2010-04-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This is a saying that I learned growing up. I think it means that you should respect others, even if they're complete jerks.
But, over the past thirty years, I've also learned that roasting people is fun, and it can help strengthen their character. So I (re)introduce to you the six people who are at the bottom of the standings in the March Madness pool. For them, upward mobility is not an option.
I've attributed a Bill Raftery quote to each one of these players (Rafferty, in case you aren't familiar, is a colorful CBS commentator who uses certain terms to describe plays and they don't make much sense - much like the losers' brackets).

(going) Commando
Points: 44
What went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little lingerie on the deck with the blow-by!"

Wombats of Doom
Points: 45
What pick went wrong: Pitt in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little ricochet romance!"

YelloDog1
Points: 54
What pick went wrong: Louisville in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "Get the puppies set!"

The Sly Fox
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Georgetown in the Elite Eight (ditto)
Rafferty quote: "Onions!"

Snarkopotamus
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Oklahoma State in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "We got a little nickel-dimer here!"

Albino Rhino
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "The vegetable cart!"

As you can see in the picture above, Charles' Cougar bottle opener has moved on from Japan. Last night, it was spotted underwater near the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. The area is the deepest known part of the world's oceans. How fast the Washington State Cougars have sunk since the 2003 Football season and their Holiday Bowl win.
No, it's not a sweater I wore to a nautical-themed party. I can't believe what you're insinuating.
Stay tuned for the next stop in "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

Last Cat Standing

2010-03-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

The snow leopard is equipped with thick fur (1-3 inches) to cope with the cold temperatures of the Central Asian mountains. Its spots serve as camoflauge while stalking sheep, deer, boar and rodents. This week, you can add other mammals to his list of prey, including Albino Rhino, Babirusa, and Snarkopotamus (past champions).
That's right, Snow Leopard a.k.a. Kim, has leaped up to the top of the standings, clawing through other people's brackets as he scaled the heights. In order to win the March Madness Pool Championship outright, he only needs one more game to go his way. If Duke beats West Virginia, Snow Leopard will be Top Mammal...and he will be donating the pool proceeds to a charity of his choice.

But let's not overlook the other competitors vying for the prize. There's Steve Liday, who boldly picked West Virginia to win it all...and then there's me, the Nonsensical Nutria - the unlikeliest victor in the March Madness mess. Steve needs West Virginia to win both Final Four games. I need West Virginia to win the first game, and then the Mountaineers need to lose to either Butler or Michigan State in the final.
So who does Fortune (or God or Allah) favor?
The person who's been dominating the field and leads by seven points (and picked Butler to reach the Final Four)?
The person who went out on a limb and chose a #2 seed to win the crown?
Or the person (moi) who is getting incredibly lucky?

Saturday's games will certainly be exciting.

...And now, let's check out the latest stop in "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" Last time we checked in with the Wazzu opener, it was loitering in front of a Lenin statue in Moscow. As of Tuesday, it was hanging out in Land of the Rising Sun. You can tell the Cougar bottle opener is in Japan, because of the geishas, origami crane, and the Buddhist shrine. I know what you're thinking - that this is just a random collection of Asian knick-knacks, and that it's a staged photo. Well, I'm pretty insulted that you'd say that.
The good news is: I've heard that Charles' bottle opener is on its way back to America. Can't wait to see where it ends up next, and if it will return to the Chuckman's kitchen drawer in some sort of workable condition.

MASCOT BATTLE!!!

2010-03-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't fare especially well in my last group of predictions. I couldn't imagine both Syracuse and Ohio State losing in the Sweet Sixteen. And yet they did, making me 5-for-8 (62.5%) in the last two days. I'm not talking about my bracket, mind you. I'm referring to the predictions I made after the first two rounds. That's how crazy the 2010 NCAA Tournament has been - full of surprises!

For the entire tournament, I've gotten 62% of my picks correct. Snow Leopard, currently in first place, has guessed 40 of 58 correctly - an astonishing 69%! In addition, he picked Butler in the Final Four, which looks like a great possibility (jinx). At least 2 participants could also benefit from a Kansas State win tomorrow (double jinx), i.e. Pennywise and Treeshrews.

Outside of these Final Four picks, we clearly can't predict much. As you may know, only 8 out of 25 players have a shot at picking the correct champion. Let's turn to something a bit more subjective...

The Elite Eight of Mascots!!!
Here's are the matchups for tomorrow and Sunday (click on the links for pics).

Willie The Wildcat (Kansas State) versus Hink the Bulldog (Butler)
A classic cat and dog rivalry. Willie's costume pretty much consists of an over-sized gray head with white stripes. He's a very versatile dresser - his attire depends on what sport he's cheering on (jersey & pads for football, etc.). Hink (above) has a sandy-colored fur costume, complete with cartoony jowls, floppy ears and a blue ballcap. Both Willie and Hink have prominent white teeth. Willie's identity is generally kept secret.
Edge: Hink. Willie's anatomy, as a cat-human hybrid, is bit confusing. Kansas State, spring the extra thousand dollars for the full costume.

The Mountaineer (West Virginia) versus Wildcat (Kentucky)
Man vs. Wild. The mascot from Morgantown does not hide behind a mask. He (or she) wears animal skins and a coonskin hat. Currently, the Mountaineer is played by senior Brock Burwell, who is also the chairperson of the Mountaineer Week Beard Growing Competition (not making this up). Wildcat started attending games in 1977, and it looks like they're still using the same ratty costume. Recently, Kentucky added kid-friendly Scratch to help with the mascot responsibilities.
Edge: The Mountaineer. He carries a rifle. (Though, personally I like the woman Mountaineer better)

Smokey (Tennessee) versus Sparty (Michigan State)
In Knoxville, Smokey the costumed mascot gets second billing to the real Smokey, a Coontick Bluehound. But both are regularly seen at football games and both wear agonizingly bright orange garments. Beyond having an impressive body and green helmet, Sparty has plenty of awards - a three-time national champion mascot and rated “Buffest Mascot” by Muscle and Fitness Magazine.
Edge: Sparty. He's on the cover of the video game NCAA Football 09 for the Wii, and he's not even an athlete.

Bruiser (Baylor) versus The Blue Devil (Duke)
Nothing against Bruiser, but I would prefer having Lady and Joy on the sidelines. In case you didn't know, the Blue Devil nickname takes it inspiration from courageous French soldiers in World War I, who donned blue capes and berets. Today's Cameron costumed freak is more of a demon with a D-shaped pitchfork. He frightens little kids by denying them financial aid.
Edge: The Blue Devil. That said, I think Ramses the Tarheel mascot could take him in a fair fight.

There you have it: a Final Four with Butler, West Virginia, Michigan State and Duke.

If this post interested you even minutely, you might also want to check out:
The Pie vs. Cake Sweet Sixteen
The Superheroes vs. Supervillians Bracket - down to the Final Four

Batman or Superman? Who do ya like? It might be obvious to you, but people are pretty evenly split on this question.

Nutria's Bold New Predictions

2010-03-24T18:38:00.000-07:00

In my sleep last night, I had visions. Vivid dreams of teams dancing in the streets of Indianapolis. I can't explain much of it. I don't know why there was a sperm whale dressed in a tuxedo talking about isosceles triangles. I can only tell you what I saw. For some reason, these feelings evaded me before the tournament started. But now everything is crystal clear, and I've seen the future of March Madness. Let me share my gift of premonition with you. It's probably too late to save your bracket. But it's not too late to bet your life savings on the outcome of these games. I trust that you'll do the right thing, just like Biff in "Back To The Future 2"...when he married Lea Thompson's character.

Midwest Region

#5 Michigan State vs. #9 Northern Iowa

Prediction: UNI
I think Tom Izzo is one of the top 3 or 4 coaches in the country. However, when the Spartans lost their point guard Kalin Lucas, they lost their leader on the court. MSU needs all the firepower they can get against a Northern Iowa defense rated 2nd in the nation (54.3 points per game), and they couldn't afford to lose Lucas. Rebounding is the Spartans' strength, but the Panthers will challenge them on the boards. As long as UNI shoots decently, I expect them to win.

#2 Ohio State vs. #6 Tennessee

Prediction: Ohio St.
Evan Turner is the best player in college basketball. He led the Big Ten in points and rebounds, and was second in steals and assists. Turner also has a good supporting cast of scorers and defensive stoppers. Though the Buckeyes don't have a deep bench, their starters are good enough to lead them to the Final Four (much how I feel about Duke). In order to stay in this game, Tennessee needs to get Ohio State in foul trouble and make their free throws.

West Region

#1 Syracuse vs. #5 Butler

Prediction: Syracuse
Arinze Onuaku is coming back from his injury! Not that it matters much. I think Syracuse could win this one without him. Except for Shelvin Mack, Butler has been struggling from the arc. Three pointers aren't going to be any easier against the vaunted Orange 2-3 zone. On the defensive side, Wesley Johnson will create problems for the Bulldogs. He can drive to the hoop or hit the outside shot or just create opportunities for Andy Rautins or post players. Not to mention, the Orange have a couple of reserve players who would start on any other team - Scoop Jardine and Kris Joseph.

#2 Kansas State vs. #6 Xavier

Prediction: K-State
This game is definitely a toss-up. One of the teams from Kansas has to make the Elite Eight, right? Yeah, that's basically my logic. That, and the fact that K-State has two scorers who can go "en feugo" at any time. And this is Chris Mack's first year as coach of Xavier.

East Region

#1 Kentucky vs. #12 Cornell

Prediction: Kentucky

Although Cornell holds the edge in three-point and free-throw shooting, the Big Red won't be able to compete with the superior athletes of Kentucky. I'm not just talking about defending the scoring threats of Wall, Cousins, and Patterson. The Wildcats limit opposing teams to 38% shooting and can run with a fast-paced Cornell team.

#2 West Virginia vs. #11 Washington

Prediction: West Virginia
I think the team with the better defense wins this matchup. That's the Mountaineers, who only give up 63 points per game. Both teams are athletically gifted and deep, but I expect the "long and rangy" players of West Virginia to slow down the tempo and use the 1-3-1 zone to stifle the Huskies' offense. I don't expect UW's hot shooting streak from three point range to continue (55% in last two games versus a regular season average 33%). Not concerned about the absence of WV's point guard Truck Bryant, but I will be when they face Kentucky.

South Region

#1 Duke vs. #4 Purdue

Prediction: Duke
Until now, I didn't realize how much the Blue Devils relied on perimeter scoring. But the truth is, they have three guys who can shoot from three point range. Guard John Scheyer has been struggling as of late from beyond the arc, yet Duke has still blown out teams in the tournament. Purdue is still trying to prove itself after losing their best player Robbie Hummel late in the season. Because Duke clearly has a shooting advantage, the Boilermakers will need to control the paint to have any chance in this matchup. This one could be a blowout, since Purdue is a poor rebounding team.

#3 Baylor vs. #10 St. Mary's

Prediction: Baylor
After steamrolling opponents in the past two games, big man Omar Samhan of St. Mary's will have his hands full with Baylor center Ekpe Udoh, an excellent shot-blocker and rebounder. If Samhan gets in foul trouble, I think the Gaels are toast. St. Mary's is not a physical team, and this game will get away from them if they don't make their threes. Baylor is extremely balanced, with skilled ballhandler Tweety Carter and shooter Lacedarius Dunn complementing Udoh's inside game. The Bears are my pick to make it out of the South Region.

Final Four: Ohio State, Syracuse, Kentucky, Baylor
Sorry, Dukies, not enough depth. Hopefully I don't have to eat my words later.

Champion: Kentucky
They're young, but they're awfully good. It's time for Calipari to get his first title. There may be a sense of urgency, because these Wildcat players are already thinking about the NBA.

Congratulations to my sister-in-law Tina (The Sly Fox) for being in first place after the first two rounds. Sadly, like the Roman Emperor Didius Julianus, your reign atop the standings will be short.

The Ego Of Omar Samhan

2010-03-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

During the March Madness tournament, I've been rooting for St. Mary's College to pull off the upsets. I like to see mid-major teams out-shoot, out-rebound, and out-hustle the favorites. However, I'm not sure how to feel about the Gaels' star center, Omar Samhan.

He talks about himself in the third person and has a self-proclaimed nickname - "The Beast." The nickname is tattooed on the inside of his lower lip (?). Samhan reminds me a little of Shaquille O'Neal, minus the comedic value. On a Gonzaga fan board, one hater evaluated Samhan like so: "Start with Charles Barkley. Add a few inches and a lot of weight. Remove 70% talent and 80% cleverness."

One of the reasons he annoys me is that he doesn't try to hide his cockiness, nor his pleasure at beating opponents. After St. Mary's beat Gonzaga in the WCC tournament, he said, "I always said I wanted to get the last laugh against the Zags...and I'm laughing now." In a recent blog video, Samhan mocks his friend's bracket for picking Villanova in the Sweet Sixteen. He holds up the piece of paper in front of the camera and throws it in the air, saying, "doesn't look like that's going to be happening." He's even trash-talked bracketologist Joe Lunardi. In all of the video clips, Samham comes off as a braggart with his toothy smile.

I have to remind myself that he's only 22 years old and still has some growing up to do. I also have to remember that he's scored 30 points a game in the first two rounds. So he has the talent to back up his talk. On top of that, he has praised the efforts of his teammates, for their shooting ability and for making him a better player.
But now that I know he's going to be a 2nd round draft pick in the NBA, I hope he goes to a team I don't like. I'm a fan of players who are modest and let their playing speak for itself, like Ray Allen and Stephen Curry. I could easily see Samhan in a Lakers jersey. Wherever he goes, I will love hating his chin facial hair.
Seeing how much he loves the big stage and promoting himself, I fear that someday he'll become an ESPN basketball analyst.
For now, I hope that Baylor beats St. Mary's and puts an end to Samhan's press conferences.

If you have opposite feelings about the "Beast" - if you absolutely love his personality - you can keep track of him on Twitter, of course. And girls, I'm sorry. His Facebook status indicates he's in a relationship.

I Follow The Moskva Down To Gorky Park

2010-03-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

As of Saturday night, my NCAA bracket was destroyed by the Jayhawks' loss to the Northern Iowa Panthers. And I have to wait until Thursday for games to start again. No worries. There are other things that now demand my attention. Because I've been unemployed for the past four months, I'm fairly good at finding ways to occupy my time.

1. Vote on the match-ups in the annual Fug Madness competition. Just like March Madness, the contest includes 65 participants, except that they're unwillingly fighting for the title of "Worst-Dressed Celebrity of 2010." The play-in game for the tournament was between Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. An intriguing contest in the Second Round of the Bjork Bracket is between #2 Katy Perry and #7 Juliette Lewis.

2. Use my $25 iTunes gift card from Christmas.

3. Look for a job that will restore calm and bring purpose to my life. Preferably one that calls for 2-3 years of experience in a call center environment.

4. Update my online dating profile with the following information:
Interests: Skysurfing, fondue, dogbreeding.
Body Type: Pretty okay.
Profession: Hopeful.

5. Take the dog for a walk. Meet women in the park.

6. Keep blogging.

As you can see, I've got a busy day ahead of me, starting with breakfast.
But first, I'll discuss the latest stop in Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener? Today, the Wazzu opener is in Kaluzhskaya Square in Moscow. It's near the Oktyabrskaya metro station, if you're familiar with the area. The Lenin Statue (in the picture above) was constructed in 1985 and it's the tallest Lenin Statue in the world. Okay, maybe not as tall as the one in Minsk, Belarus.

March Mammals, Part Two

2010-03-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I'm tied for last place with my mom and dad. Here are the rest of the participants in our pool this year. Please enjoy!

Mom/Nancy
Mammal Name: Supercilious Sea Lion
Highest Finish: 4th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: According to my mother, the difference between a sea lion and a seal are their flippers. Sea lions can actually stand up and clap because they have longer flippers, whereas seals waddle on land on their bellies. Also, seals are sociable and friendly, while sea lions are notorious snobs. Pictured above are the only two sea lions who are not prigs.
A group of sea lions is called a raft.

Dad/Jim
Mammal Name: Jim Hancock
Highest Finish: 2nd (2003, 2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Syracuse
Fun Facts: According to Google, Jim Hancock is a renaissance fair musician. And here he is getting his beard shaved.
A group of Jimbos is called a ensemble.

Bill Bowman
Mammal Name: Albino Rhino
Highest Finish: 1st (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: In order to stay cool under the brutal African sun, rhinos wallow in the mud. A nice coat of mud serves as a bug repellent, sunblock and skin moisturizer.
A group of rhinoceros is called a crash.

Sue Bowman
Mammal Name: Snarkopotamus
Highest Finish: 1st (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: I found this definition from the Urban Dictionary on "snarkosaurus": A person who is massive, lumbering and snarky, thus resembling both a dinosaur and a snarky person. I can't confirm if it's a related species, but I know that cynicism and sarcasm are involved.
A group of snarkopotami is called a brood.

Kim
Mammal Name: Snow Leopard
Highest Finish: 13th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun Facts: Snow leopards can jump as far as 50 feet and can kill animals three times their weight. In their habitat, in the mountains of Central Asia, they prey on ibex, sheep and sherpas.
A group of leopards is called a leap.

Paula
Mammal Name: The Fighting Daschunds
Highest Finish: 3rd (2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: These dogs are extremely loyal pets, but often suffer from separation anxiety...which explains why the Egyptians had their daschund-like dogs mummified. A daschund named Waldi was the mascot of the 1972 Munich Olympics.
A group of daschunds is called a pack...a pack of furious scurrying feet and sharp needle-like teeth.

Tom
Mammal Name: Jackalope
Highest Finish: 3rd (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Jackalopes only breed during electrical storms. They're commonly found on postcards from Wyoming and Texas.
A group of jackalopes is called a "nest-herd."

Peter
Mammal Name: Babirusa
Highest Finish: 1st (2006, 2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: Known as "pig-deer," babirusa have two pairs of curved tusks that can grow up to a foot long. The males sharpen their tusks by grinding them against stones and trees. Tusks help them battle other babirusa during mating season and puncture the plastic film on their microwave dinners.
Because babirusa are more related to hippos than pigs, a group of them is called a bloat.

Michael Heiser
Mammal Name: Bontebok
Highest Finish: 12th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun Facts: This relative of the antelope is only found in one Bontebok National Park (South Africa) and a few reserves outside the park. They used to live in Lesotho and Swaziland. Come to think of it, that's the only thing I know about Lesotho or Swaziland.
A group of bonteboks is called a herd.

Alison
Mammal Name: Terrifying Treeshrews
Highest Finish: 13th (2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun Facts: Tree shrews have a higher brain to body mass ratio than humans. Pen-tailed tree shrews in Malaysia regularly consume fermented nectar (3.8% alcohol). In unrelated news, Alison finished in last place in 2009.
A group of treeshrews is called a taming.

Aunt Pat
Mammal Name: Gazelle
Highest Finish: 11th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: Gazelles can reach speeds of 50 mph. Cheetahs can run up to 70 mph. The top speed of a 1967 Chevrolet Impala is 130 mph. Who wins here? America. That's who.
A group of gazelles is called a herd.

Bruce Treut
Mammal Name: yellodog1
Highest Finish: Rookie
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Though the Labrador Retriever is known as a loyal pet and a great hunting companion, it is native to Newfoundland, where it helped fishermen retrieve and pull in nets. Today, labs go through more tennis balls than Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras combined.
A group of yellow labs is called a pack.

Matt Bowman
Mammal Name: African Wild Ass
Highest Finish: 6th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Fun Facts: The smallest member of the horse family is well-suited to living in the desert. In the sixteenth century, the Spanish brought them to America, where they inspired the television show "Hee Haw." Wild asses are still found in the Southwest (where they are known as Arizonans).
A group of wild asses is called a pace, a drove or a herd.

Uncle Bill
Mammal Name: Laughing Chimpanzees
Highest Finish: 2nd (2007)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The first American in space was actually a chimp named Ham in 1961. Unlike other monkeys, chimps utilize tools to retrieve insects and open nuts. Though chimps are very intelligent, they are not good swimmers. That's why they're often seen with inflatable arm floaties.
A group of chimpanzees is called a community.

March Mammals, Part One

2010-03-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

Now to introduce the various players of the 9th Annual Player's Club Invitational, starting with the people native to the Pacific Northwest. I applaud everyone's creativity in choosing a mammal that best represents his or her spirit.

Rick (brother)
Mammal Name: Baby Beluga
Highest Finish: 7th (2003)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Baby Belugas are born black to bluish. After about five years, they gain their white creamy color. [Insert Michael Jackson joke here] The beluga is listed as an endangered species in Alaska.
A group of belugas is called a pod.

Tina (sister-in-law)
Mammal Name: Sly Fox
Highest Finish: 2nd (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Red foxes communicate to other scavenging foxes with their urine. By smelling the urine, foxes can tell if the site is worth their attention or if they should move elsewhere. Foxes prefer free-range chickens and organically-grown vegetables.
A group of foxes is called a leash or a skulk.

Brian
Mammal Name: Stupid Lazy Squirrel Monkeys
Highest Finish: 2nd (2005)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The main predators of squirrel monkeys (that weigh 1-3 lbs.) are eagles and hawks. These monkeys are not all that lazy - they're constantly foraging for fruit and insects. But they are pretty stupid. They don't even know how to play checkers.
A group of monkeys is called a barrel. It's not just a game.

Robert
Mammal Name: Wombats of Doom
Highest Finish: 4th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Like other marsupials, female wombats have pouches, except they face backwards. Even though they are short, stocky animals, wombats can run up to 25 mph AND THEY STOP FOR NO ONE!
A group of wombats is called a wisdom.

Me (or "Unkie Jam Jam," as my dog knows me)
Mammal Name: Nonsensical Nutria
Highest Finish: 1st (2002, 2004)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: A nutria is like a small beaver, except awesome. With their reddish incisor teeth, they've managed to ruin marshland ecosystems in Louisiana and the Chesapeake Bay. Way to go, invasive species!
A group of nutria is called a colony.

Charles
Mammal Name: George W. Bushy-tailed Olingo (pictured above)
Highest Finish: 9th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Olingos live in trees, stay up late at night and eat small mammals and birds. Despite being known as fiscally conservative, olingos vote on increases in military spending year after year.
I couldn't find what a group of olingos is called, but a group of kinkajous (similar animals) is called a troop.

Steve
Mammal Name: Steve Liday
Highest Finish: 9th (2003)
2010 Champion Pick: West Virginia
Fun Facts: Steve is horrible at both Jenga and Boggle.
A group of Steves is called a bevy.

Steve, Sr.
Mammal Name: Oregon Giraffe
Highest Finish: 10th (2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: The giraffe is the tallest land mammal. That means, when a female gives birth, the baby giraffe falls more than five feet to the ground. Ouch.
A group of giraffes is called a tower.

Brock
Mammal Name: Pennywise
Highest Finish: 1st (2005)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: I can't provide fun facts about fictional clowns. Change your name, Brock Poe.
A group of Brocks is called a mob.

Michael Busick
Mammal Name: Dynomutt, Wonder Dog
Highest Finish: 7th (2006, 2009)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: Dynomutt teamed up with Blue Falcon in the 1970s to fight crime on television. Officially classified as Hannah Barberis canus robotus.
A group of wonder dogs is called a "cyberpack."

Dr. Ron
Mammal Name: (going) Commando
Highest Finish: 6th (2008)
2010 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun Facts: If you're going to stick with a Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, you could have at least chosen "Predator."
A group of commandos is called a regiment.

Player introductions continue this weekend. Stay tuned...

And The Award Goes To...

2010-03-17T12:00:00.001-07:00

In order to win the NCAA tournament, a team must win six games in a row at neutral sites. All of the No. 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 seeds have had six game winning streaks (or longer) during the season, except for #5 Texas A&M. However, all of these winning streaks have included home games and non-tournament opponents. What team in the 2010 tourney is capable of sustaining a long run against quality opponents?

Well, I'm going to tell you.
It probably won't be much of a shocker.
This time, I actually did my research, though.

I studied the past ten NCAA men's champions (2000-2009) and looked for common threads. A couple of the top teams, like Michigan State in 2000 and Florida in 2006, seemed a little anomalous. The Mateen Cleaves-led Spartans were strange because of their less than potent offense (ranked 79th in Division I) and their overpowering defense (7th). The first Florida championship team was an abberation because it had no first or second team All-Americans. The Gators were also an unimpressive 5-3 in their last eight games before the tournament (and again in 2007). Every other champion in the last ten years has been 7-1 going into the Big Dance (except for last year's Tarheels, who were 6-2).

For the most part, the champions of years past were high-scoring teams (ranked in the top 15 in points per game). With the exception of the 2006 Gators and 2008 Jayhawks, they featured at least one Consensus All-American (as decided by the Sporting News, AP, USBWA and National Association of Basketball Coaches). These champions generally have four or more players who score in double figures (the only team that didn't meet this criteria was the 2004 Connecticut Huskies with its trio of Gordon, Okafor and Anderson). Having multiple scorers is important, because it means that the team won't suffer if one star has a bad performance. In addition, the starters on championship teams are usually experienced players (a hefty combination of seniors and juniors). You can say all you want about Carmelo Anthony's miracle year and his young band of Orangemen, but the fact is, a freshman phenom often doesn't lead his team to a title. If John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins go all the way for the Wildcats this year, then I'll admit I'm wrong.

How do current tourney team compare in these respects? I looked at the No. 1, 2 and 3 seeds and found that only one team really fits the bill. By my predictions, Coach Bill Self will bag another title for Kansas. The Jayhawks rank 5th in scoring offense (81.8 points per game) and 58th in defense (allowing 68.3 points per game). Considering that the past ten champions' average defensive ranking was 108th, that's pretty solid. Kansas has four players who score more than 10 points a game (Collins, Henry, Aldrich, and Marcus Morris). The Jayhawks have at least one likely Consensus All-American in Sherron Collins (and maybe Cole Adrich, by the time the votes are cast). Bill Self's team is also on a roll, winning the Big 12 championship and only losing one game since January 10th.
So how did the other No. 1 seeds not meet my rigorous standards? Kentucky is super young and ranks below Kansas in both scoring and defense. Despite ranking 6th in scoring in the nation, Syracuse is 145th in points allowed per game. Even if we dismiss the seriousness of Onuaku's injury, the Orange has still dropped 3 of its last 8 games. Duke only has three players that it relies on to score points, and doesn't play great on the road. I could go on and on about the faults of other tournament teams. But just take my word for it.

Rock Chalk, Jayhawk.

Today's picture, by the way, is dedicated to my favorite team name in the tournament pool:
Wombats of Doom.

You Play To Lose The Game

2010-03-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

Today's play-in game between Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Winthrop is a great opportunity for both teams. The Golden Lions and the Eagles made the postseason despite finishing second and third in their leagues (SWAC and Big South). By winning their conference tournaments, they get to face off against each other at Dayton Arena for a chance to move into the field of 64. What's at stake: a ticket to Jacksonville to play No. 1 seed Duke. Considering that a No. 16 seed has never beat a No. 1 seed in tournament play, it's like an amateur getting a shot at playing against Tiger Woods in match play.

On the other hand, playing against Duke in a NCAA tournament has to be a big rush for these players. Winthrop started out the season 5-9, while Arkansas Pine-Bluff got off an 0-11 start. The Golden Lions didn't even have a record above .500 until the conference tournament. The fact that both of these teams are still technically in the running for a NCAA championship is pretty amazing.

What is the significance of the play-in game? The first opening round game was played in 2001. It was created after the formation of the Mountain West Conference in 1999. When the NCAA decided to grant the winner of the Mountain West tournament an automatic bid, that pushed the automatic berths up to 31. Rather than reduce the number of at-large bids (34), it added an extra game. The opening round game has always been hosted by the University of Dayton. (Currently, there is discussion of expanding the field to 72 or 96, and thus creating more play-in games, and generating more revenue for the NCAA)

This is the second play-in game for the Winthrop Eagles, who were on the losing side in 2001. The Eagles, however, won a first round game against Notre Dame in 2007 (witnessed by me in Spokane). They also returned to the tourney the following year, and got beat by Washington State. Senior forward Mantoris Robinson was a member of both teams. When will a No. 16 seed beat a No. 1 seed? Probably not this year, but it's not an impossible feat.

Regardless of what happens in the play-in game, it has to be more exciting than the College Basketball Invitational, now in its third year. The CBI is a third-rate tournament, featuring sixteen teams that couldn't make the NIT. You have to question the quality of a tournament that crowned Oregon State as its champion last year (no disrespect intended to the President's brother-in-law, who coaches the Beavers). Not to mention that the tournament can't draw enough fans to host its games on neutral sites. Unless you've always wanted to see a matchup between Morehead State and Colorado State, you'd probably agree with me that the CBI is not good for college basketball. It reminds me of the 2009 Insight Bowl, played between two 6-6 football teams (Minnesota lost to Iowa State in a thriller, 14-13).

The Beavers earn a CBI berth by finishing 14-17? That's just shameful.

Rise Of The Rodents

2010-03-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm dedicating an entire post to my name change in a March Madness pool.

But here I am.
I'm doing it in the interest of ...my self interests.

Plus it's good practice for evaluating contending teams and how they match up against each other. You can't play favorites when you're making bracket picks. Regardless of who you like, you need to understand who has the tools and the motivation to succeed in a high-pressure environment.

A week ago, my team name (this year's theme is mammals) was The Mighty Platypi. I was too hasty to pick a mammal with a duck bill, given my affinity for the University of Oregon. A few days later, I chose the Nonsensical Nutria. Let's take a look at the comparison of these animals.

Platypus
Species: Ornithorhynchus anatinus
Diet: Carnivore (insects, larvae, shellfish, worms)
Size: 3 lbs.
Lifespan: 12 years
Threats: snakes, goannas, rats, foxes, man
Pros: A platypus navigates exceptionally well through water with webbed feet and a beaver-like tail. Male platypi have venomous stingers on their back heels. Poison from these stingers can kill a dingo!
Cons: Species equipped with a duck bill instead of teeth, and a platypus hunts solely underwater (where it can hold its breath for a meager minute or two). It has only thrived on one continent (Australia, which is more like a big island). The platypus lays eggs, which seems like a questionable way to go about being a mammal. When the eggs hatch, the babies are blind, hairless, and ugly. The males are deadbeats when it comes to raising their young (reminding me unpleasantly of the MTV show "16 & Pregnant").

Nutria
Species: Myocastor coypus
Diet: Omnivore (plants, roots, snails, mussels)
Size: 15 to 22 lbs.
Lifespan: 8-10 years
Threats: coyotes, dogs, man (young are vulnerable to owls, hawks, eagles, foxes)
Pros: These semi-aquatic animals are excellent swimmers who can stay underwater for up to five minutes. When born, baby nutria are fully furred. Young nutria sometimes nurse as their mothers swim - talk about multi-tasking! Nutria are social animals and they live in groups called "colonies." They are native to South America, but have successfully adapted to life in Europe, Asia, Africa and North America (particularly Oregon and Washington state). Nutria are generally resented by other species in new habitats, because they overharvest edible plants and don't leave much vegetation. But can you really fault these creatures for being good at eating?
Cons: Nutria aren't good-looking (pictured above).

Remember, it's okay to change your mind. I thought platypi were pretty cute, but I now know that they don't have what it takes. Nutria are better web-footed, burrowing animals.
In a few days, I'll explain which team will take home the NCAA men's basketball title. After people have made their picks, of course...

They're Multiplying!!!

2010-03-12T18:21:00.000-08:00

When I was watching the Duke game this weekend, I noticed two Blue Devil jerseys with the name "Plumlee." It just so happens that a pair of brothers, Miles (Sophomore) and Mason (Freshman), play for Coach K. And they have a younger taller brother, Marshall, who is considering going to Duke. Ahhhh!!! Attack of the rebounding white guys!

Miles was originally committed to Stanford, and strangely enough, he would have played with the Lopez brothers (Brook and Robin). But when Stanford's head coach Trent Johnson left for LSU, Miles decided to go to Duke, where his younger brother Mason had committed to play. The brothers have similar roles in the Blue Devils' rotation: to substitute for starters Kyle Singler and Brian Zoubek, or whenever Coach K wants to clog up the paint. Crash the boards, block and commit fouls when necessary.

Sophomore Miles averages 16.8 minutes, 5.6 points, and 5.2 rebounds per game. Freshman Miles has similar numbers. When Zoubek and forward Lance Thomas graduate this year, both brothers could move into starting roles for Duke. As high schoolers, Miles and Mason helped Christ School compile a 63-6 record and they won two state championships. Their younger brother Marshall also attends Christ School, an all-male boarding school in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

If pro basketball doesn't work out for these fellows, I think they should open a family restaurant called "Plumlee Brothers' French Toast House." Because if there can be waffle and pancake houses, why can't french toast get in on the fun?

What's even weirder - the Atlantic Coast Conference has two more pairs of brothers on the North Carolina and Clemson's men's basketball teams. Travis and David Wear play for the Tarheels, while Trevor and Devin Booker play for the Tigers.

(I strongly urge you to become a fan of The Plumlee Brothers on Facebook)

Panther Pride

2010-03-12T12:43:00.000-08:00

In March Madness, there is a lot of hype surrounding No. 1 seeds. True, a No. 1 seed has won the championship seven out of the last ten years. In three of those years, however, one #2 seed (UConn, 2004) and two #3 seeds (Syracuse, 2003, and Florida, 2006 have brought home the title. Which lower-seeded squads are worthy of making a run to the Final Four?

Today, I'll profile a Big East team that always causes problems in my brackets. Today, this team secured the #3 seed in the West Region. Nicknamed the Panthers, they make their home in the city of Pittsburgh - which is a lot like Detroit, except with a competitive football team, and not as dependent on the American auto industry.

As a No. 1 seed in the 2009 NCAA Tournament, the Panthers lost to Villanova by two points in the Elite Eight. Over the last eight years, the University of Pittsburgh has made the Sweet Sixteen six times. A pretty good track record, except that Pitt never gets farther than the third round (except for last year). Pitt returns only one starter from last year, senior guard Jermaine Dixon (after losing DeJuan Blair (Spurs) and Sam Young (Grizzlies) to the NBA Draft). This year, the Panthers are led by guard Ashton Gibbs and assist-maker Brad Wannamaker. Over the years, Pitt has been known for its stifling defense and its average offense. This season is no different. The Panthers are averaging 68.8 points on offense and they allow 61.7 points per game. What's disconcerting is that the Panthers scored 77.4 points per game last year. The team's field goal percentage is also down, from 47.9% in 2009 to 44.7% in 2010. Can Pitt put enough points on the board to go far in the tourney? History says No. Defense alone can't win championships.

Coincidentally, Pittsburgh is the latest stop on the world tour of Charles' bottle opener. It's a feature I like to call "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" If you're unfamiliar with how I stole my friend's beer cap remover, I simply took it out of his silverware drawer when I was helping him move into a new condo. I pilfered the bottle opener because it plays the Washington State fight song. Part of my reason for doing this is showing Charles all the places he could go if his heart desired. But mostly I hate that bottle opener.

Which reminds me...Washington State lost to Oregon in the opening round of the Pac-10 Tournament on Wednesday night, 82-80 in OT. The picture above (near the dilapidated steel mills of Pittsburgh) is dedicated to the Cougs' loss, and their terrible play in general. Mind you, Washington State got the No. 9 seed in the conference tourney only because USC is suspended from postseason play. Let's not forget that Wazzu is the worst team in the Pac-10 in both basketball and football. Let us never forget.

I'll go ahead and provide Charles' rebuke to my last statement: "At least Cougars aren't stealing laptops from frat boys" (in reference to the Duck's football team antics off the field). To which I would say, "I can't really judge Masoli's behavior too much...since I steal bottle openers from my friends."

Big Toe

2010-03-11T11:49:00.000-08:00

Last year, when I was making my picks, I didn't take North Carolina as my champion because Guard Ty Lawson (the second highest scorer behind Hansbrough) had an injured big toe. This was a huge mistake, as he recovered and UNC went on a rampage. The closest game for the Tarheels was in the Regional Final versus Oklahoma, and they won that contest by 12 points.

I'm not going to overreact this year to minor injuries.
It will destroy my bracket.
Here's some injuries that I will just ignore, and trust that each team is deep enough to absorb them or that the players will magically heal:

Arinze Onuaku, starting center for Syracuse, injured his right leg in a losing effort today against Georgetown (he's not a good free throw shooter (43%), so maybe they're better off)

Robbie Hummel, Purdue's second leading scorer, is out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL

Center Max Zhang (collapsed lung) and guard Jorge Gutierrez (sprained ankle) may both not be playing for California today in their Pac-10 Tournament opener (against the mighty Oregon Ducks)

Virginia Tech starters Dorenzo Hudson and Jeff Allen are probable tomorrow against Miami with foot and shoulder injuries

Starting Louisville guard Jerry Smith did not play in the tournament game against Cincinnati because of a hand injury.

UNLV guard Derrick Jasper, who averages over 25 minutes per game, is out indefinitely with a knee injury.

Star forward Trevor Booker of Clemson suffered a cut above his right eye in the last game against Wake Forest, but hopefully the bandage will hold.

Mangisto Arop, reserve forward for #14 Gonzaga, had surgery to repair a broken foot and will be out for the season. He likes to be called Manny, by the way.

Just to reiterate, the teams in bold letters will probably not be affected much by these injuries. Or maybe they will. Don't think about it too much. It might cloud your judgment. Go with your heart, or gut...or whatever body part.

Terrier Puppies - $50 Each OBO

2010-03-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

Another college basketball team from South Carolina has stolen my heart.

Last night, the Wofford Terriers beat Appalachian State to win the Southern Conference Tournament, and they'll make their first ever appearance in NCAA Division I men's basketball tournament. The Terriers (from Spartanburg, SC) joined the Southern Conference thirteen years ago and finally get to play in the postseason.

That's actually not that long of a drought. Five teams have been part of Division I basketball since 1939 and have never made it to the NCAA Tournament: The Citadel, Northwestern, William & Mary, St. Francis, and Army (despite having Bob Knight as coach and Mike Krzyzewski as a player).
The College of William & Mary, the country's oldest university (1693), came mighty close to ending their run of futility. The Tribe lost yesterday to Old Dominion in the Colonial Conference Tournament Championship, 60-53. Another notable drought: William & Mary* has not produced an American president since John Tyler. I suppose Harvard and Yale are doing a better job of recruiting future politicians these days.

But I'm not writing this post to talk about the poor and downtrodden teams. Let's discuss the real contenders and their resumes. The probable #1 seeds in the tourney are as follows:

Kansas Jayhawks
Record: 29-2, 15-1 Big 12
RPI: 1
Strength of Schedule (SOS): 8
Leading Scorer: Sherron Collins, 15.3 PPG, 4.3 APG
Coach: Bill Self, 405 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 38

Kentucky Wildcats
Record: 29-2, 14-2 SEC
RPI: 3
SOS: 38
Leading Scorer: John Wall, 16.8 PPG, 6.2 APG
Coach: John Calipari, 469 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 50

Syracuse Orange
Record: 28-3, 15-3 Big East
RPI: 4
SOS: 11
Leading Scorer: Wesley Johnson, 15.7 PPG, 18.5 RPG
Coach: Jim Boeheim, 827 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 32

Duke Blue Devils
Record: 26-5, 13-3 ACC
RPI: 2
SOS: 7
Leading Scorer: Jon Scheyer, 18.9 PPG, 5.2 APG
Coach: Mike Krzyzewski, 858 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 33

Ohio State Buckeyes
Record: 24-7, 14-4 Big Ten
RPI: 29
SOS: 65
Leading Scorer: Evan Turner, 19.5 PPG, 9.4 RPG, 5.8 APG
Coach: Thad Matta, 253 career wins
Tournament Appearances: 25

*Other notable William & Mary alumni: Darren Sharper (New Orleans Saints cornerback), Steve Christie (Buffalo Bills placekicker), Patton Oswalt (comedian), Vic Raschi (6X World Series Champion, NY Yankees pitcher), Glenn Close (actress), Mike Tomlin (Pittsburgh Steelers head coach), and some guys named Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe

2010 Kevin Pittsnogle All-American Names

2010-03-08T00:37:00.000-08:00

By far, the best thing about attending a rollerderby event is watching the women on rollerskates shove each other to the ground. I won't go into the rules of rollerderby, except to say that points are rewarded to the speediest and strongest team. The crowd, for the most part, is not concerned with the score. Spectators are fixated on watching women push and jostle for position and occasionally throw their shoulders into each other. It's fun to watch people racing quickly around an oval, but it's more fun to watch people fall down.
The second best thing about Rat City Rollergirls, the Seattle women's rollerderby league, is the names of the competitors. Last night, when they introduced the women players before the bouts, it reminded me a lot of professional wrestling. While the women are certainly talented skaters and athletes, they definitely see their sport as entertainment.
On Saturday night, I was rooting for the team "Grave Danger," because my friend Charles knows a skater on the team. In addition, I appreciated their uniforms, which featured red tops (that simulate dripping blood) and either fishnet stockings or knee high socks. One thing all the members had in common was a bad-ass name that fits in with the team's "hellish" theme. My favorite monikers included: Bruise Lee, Carmen Getsome, Iron Megan, Katarina Whip, Sara Problem, and Nikole Plated.
I have to admit that these made-up nicknames make it more fun to cheer on the players. I would say the same thing about any sport. If someone has a cool name (like Coco Crisp, Chili Davis, Oil Can Boyd, or Mookie Blaylock), I like them immediately. College basketball is no different. I genuinely appreciate the creativeness of athletes' parents, unless it involves weird misspellings. Without further adieu, I present to you the best names of the year in men's college basketball:

First Team

Tweety Carter (Guard, Baylor)
Jimmer Fredette (Guard, BYU)
Festus Ezeli (Center, Vanderbilt)
Scootie Randall (Forward, Temple)
Tiny Gallon (Forward, Oklahoma)

Second Team

Korie Lucious (Guard, Michigan State)
Skylar McBee (Guard, Tennessee)
Wquinton Smith (Guard, Wisconsin)
Avery Jukes (Forward, Butler)
Bol Kong (Forward, Gonzaga)

Best player with most boring name: John Wall (Guard, Kentucky)

Early Casualties

2010-03-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

Over a week away from Selection Sunday, and already, dozens of teams are out of the running for the NCAA Tournament. Besides the Oregon Ducks (unless they manage to win the Pac-10 Tournament), many teams will be sitting at home watching March Madness on CBS. Notably absent from the competition this year are the Manhattan Jaspers, the Belmont Bruins, the Evansville Aces, and the Campbell Fighting Camels, the official team of the Nativity Camel blog.
The Camels lost in the quarterfinals of the Atlantic Sun Tournament to East Tennessee State, 72-64.
Sadly, it marked the last game for Camel forward Jonathan Rodriguez, one of 101 Division I players to score 2,000 points and nab 1,000 rebounds. Maybe he'll be playing in Greece sometime soon?

On the lighter side of things, I want to present a new feature to the blog. It's called: "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

A week ago, I stole my friend's bottle opener while I was helping him move. I don't usually steal things from people, but this theft was fully justified. I have endured months of pain hanging out at his place, because he insisted that every beer be opened with this bottle opener. Every time you pop a top off, the opener plays the Washington State fight song. And I can tell you, without any sort of regional bias, it's a pretty stupid fight song. Here's a sample of the lyrics:

Come on and win the day for Crimson and Gray!
Best in the West, we know you'll all do your best, so
On, on, on, on! Fight on to the end! Honor and Glory you must win! So
Fight, fight, fight for Washington State and victory!

The bottle opener is just plain offensive and it doesn't belong in any kitchen. So I made the decision to take it from Charles' apartment and I want to make sure that it never plays the Cougar fight song again. Today I took it to Gas Works Park in Seattle with my dog Bowie (pictured above). Bowie took a dip into the waters of Lake Union, and I almost threw the opener in there with her.

Who knows where it will show up next?

Getting To Know Your Private Schools

2010-03-04T14:33:00.000-08:00

As commissioner of an annual March Madness pool, I like to entertain and make things fun for participants. But a secondary function of my job is education.

What is your IQ when it comes to identifying the locations of colleges in the United States? Do you know if it's a religious school or a progressive liberal arts institution?

Let's begin with a more specific question:
Where is Sam Houston State University located?

If you guessed Houston, you're wrong.
It's Huntsville.
See? You clearly need my help.

Today I'm going to introduce you to three private universities (that are probably sending men's teams to the tournament) and tell you how they got their names. Indulge my love of history for a few moments...

Baylor University
Location: Waco, Texas
Name Origin: The university is named after Robert Emmett Bledsoe (R.E.B.) Baylor, a Baptist leader, Congressman, lawyer, judge and veteran of The War of 1812. Shortly after converting to Baptism in 1839, he left Alabama to establish a school in Texas. R.E.B. was later appointed as a judge in the Republic of Texas and helped write the state constitution after annexation. He founded the university (1945) as well as many Baptist organizations. Please don't draw any conclusions from the facts that Baylor never married and died in a town called Gay Hill. He was a good Christian man.

Xavier University
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Name Origin: St. Francis Xavier was one of the seven founders of the Jesuit religious order in 1534. He grew up in Spain and eventually became chummy with St. Ignatius Loyola (another college namesake) while studying in Paris. In 1540, the Society of Jesus received papal approval, and the Catholic Church permitted the order to travel to Jerusalem and beyond to spread the Gospel. Xavier's charitable and evangelical work took him to Portugal, Mozambique, India, Japan and various islands in Southeast Asia. By the time he died on the island of Sancian (off the coast of China) in 1552, Xavier had definitely set the standard for missionary zeal. Can the Musketeers do the same for basketball excellence?
*Interesting note: Xavier has two mascots - D'Artagnan and The Blue Blob (pictured above).

Marquette University
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Name Origin: Like Xavier, Father Jacques Marquette was a Jesuit priest. However, this Frenchman set his missionary sights on Canada, or what was known then as New France. While stationed in Quebec and the Great Lakes area, he preached to Native Americans and learned the Algonquin and Huron languages. In 1673, Marquette accompanied Louis Jolliet on an expedition to map the Mississippi River (where they met the friendly Illini). They hoped that the river led to the Pacific Ocean, but discovered it flowed toward the Gulf of Mexico. Fearing hostile tribes with guns and the despicable Spanish, the explorers turned back before reaching the Mississippi's terminus. Marquette succumbed to dysentery over a year later.

Combined NCAA Men's Basketball Championships from these private institutions: 1
The Marquette Golden Eagles won it all in 1977.

But don't count private universities out in your brackets!
Syracuse won in 2003, and Villanova and Georgetown took home titles in the 80's.

Now...don't you feel smarter after reading this?

Mammalian Madness!

2010-03-03T02:04:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest challenges of March Madness is not making bracket picks. That takes about five minutes. What's really difficult is determining a name that best represents your identity. In the past six years, I've appeared in the standings as Michael Knight, Scrappy-Doo, Jefferson Starship, Chili Cheese Fritos, The Secret of My Suce$s and Tyler Durden. Only when I embraced my inner David Hasselhoff was I truly successful.

This year's theme for team names is: Mammals.
In order to qualify, the animal must have hair of some sort and milk its young. That's my informal definition. In brief, no birds, fish or reptiles (which means no dinosaurs - sorry, lovers of parasaurolophus).

Many college basketball teams have mammals as their mascots. Let's take a look at some of my favorites for inspiration:

1. Southern Illinois Salukis
2. UC-Irvine Anteaters
3. Sam Houston State Bearkats (not a real mammal)
4. Arkansas Razorbacks
5. Marshall Thundering Herd
6. South Dakota State Jackrabbits
7. Bowdoin Polar Bears
8. Maryland-Baltimore County Retrievers
9. Rider Broncs
10. Colby White Mules

Since I'm a fan of Oregon, I naturally favor waterfowl. But I didn't want to be boring and choose the Ducks. So I chose an animal that has a duck bill. My new team name is The Mighty Platypi.
The runner-ups included: The Otter Pops, The Sexy Manatees, and Grape Ape.

One more rule for pool participants: Don't choose the name of a current team.
ABSOLUTELY NO HUSKIES OR BEAVERS ALLOWED.

Sleeper, Cinderella, Upset

2010-03-01T14:44:00.000-08:00

...three words that re-enter the vocabulary this time of year.

When March Madness rolls around, everyone filling out a bracket wants to know:
Which low-seeded team or relative unknown is going to bust through to the Sweet Sixteen? Or farther?

You recognize the major conference teams in contention for the title, like Duke, Michigan State, Kansas, and Kentucky. And, if you've been paying attention, you know that North Carolina is not going to repeat this year. The Tarheels aren't even going to make the tournament. You can probably count UConn out, too. But, big contenders aside, who else should you know about? I'm going to tell you about four teams that often don't make a splash in the tournament. However, they were all ranked in the top 25 this year, and they already have guaranteed spots in the Big Dance.

Let's start with the #24 UTEP (22-5). The Miners have not won a NCAA tournament game since 1992. This year, the team has only dropped one game in Conference USA play. UTEP has five players that average over 10 points per game. Derrick Caracter, the team's second leading scorer, is a junior transfer from Louisville who's discovered gold, so to speak, in El Paso. The Miners have won 12 straight.

The next team that might make some noise is the Big Red. Straight out of Ithaca, New York, Cornell is poised to make a run. Believe it or not, this is the school's third straight appearance in the NCAA tournament. This time around, though, the Big Red has four senior starters and some impressive performances under its belt. Cornell beat Alabama and St. John's, two big conference teams. The team also lost to #2 Kansas by a mere 5 points. I think they'll get out of the first round this year.

Based on their 2009 seasons, the next two teams shouldn't be complete surprises. Both the Kansas State Wildcats and the New Mexico Lobos finished 21-11 last year and lost in the second round of the NIT. Currently, they're ranked #5 and #8, respectively.

You might remember Kansas State from a couple years ago, when it had two NBA draft picks (Michael Beasley and Bill Walker). The Wildcats beat USC in the first round of the Big Dance (destroying my bracket) before losing to Wisconsin. In 2010, K-State is once again a two-headed monster. Guards Jacob Pullen and Denis Clemente are both potent scorers (averaging 18.5 and 15.8 points a game), meaning that opposing teams will have to contain both players. On Wednesday, the Wildcats play one of their biggest games of the season - against Big 12 leader Kansas.

New Mexico has won their last 13 games, including wins over tourney-worthy teams BYU, UNLV, and San Diego State. The Lobos are led by head coach Steve Alford, who coached at Iowa for 8 years (including seven straight winning seasons) and won a national championship as a player at Indiana in 1987. How do you know he's an excellent coach? To begin with, he learned from the best - Mr. Bob Knight. Second, he's managed to propel his team to the top of the Mountain West Conference with only one senior on his roster.

THE BLOG IS BACK! (on a limited run for March Madness, pending talks with management)

Not Ready For X-Mas

2009-11-30T22:03:00.000-08:00

As I write this, I'm traveling on a Virgin America flight from San Francisco to Seattle. My first ever blog post from an airplane! Free wi
This is also means that I am typing in the presence of other passengers, which is a little stifling to my creativity. Someone looking over my shoulder constantly while I type is a little weird. Well, I guess they're not reading this. It's pretty boring so far. I don't blame them for looking elsewhere. Virgin America provides customers with plenty of distractions via the personal television screen - movies, music, games, and a map that shows the flight's progress.
Thanks to a special Google Maps program, I've determined I'm about to fly over the Columbia River, south of the Cascade Parks West neighborhood outside of Vancouver, Oregon.
Since I've typed this, I've already passed La Center and Woodland, parallel with I-5. Now I'm almost directly east of Kelso. You get the picture.
I'll be in Seattle shortly, which gives me just enough time to tell you about something I noticed this morning.
There are two movies currently broadcast on television called "A Dog Named Christmas" and "The Dog That Saved Christmas." The former film, a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, has received 9.6 out of 10 stars on IMDB. Maybe it's a little premature to gauge the quality of that film. The latter features former Superman Dean Cain. Since it's time to turn off this electronic device, I will let you determine the merits of each film.
Goodbye from the friendly skies.

Going Back in Time!!!

2009-11-24T21:08:00.000-08:00

After much deliberation, I'm going back to my hometown in January. I studied conditions in both Portland and Seattle, and I ended up choosing the Emerald City. The City of Roses won in several categories, including transportation, cost of living, and men-to-women ratio. However, the decision came down to John Cusack and a puppy.
Let me explain. Part of the selection process was based on watching a movie filmed in each city, and judging each film on its merit and lasting impact on, um...okay, I just chose the one I liked better. Portland's landmark film was "Drugstore Cowboy," and Seattle's big flick was "Say Anything."
"Drugstore Cowboy," directed in 1989 by Gus Van Sant ("To Die For," "Good Will Hunting," "Milk"), is an artful tale of a group of junkies who scam and rob drugstores in 1970s Stumptown. It features an outstanding performance by Matt Dillon, who is fearless and delusional and caring and aloof and conniving - in short, an accurate portrayal of an addict. The seedy setting is one of the reasons this movie works, and Heather Graham's appearance doesn't hurt.
But who is more adorable and charming and perfect than Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) in "Say Anything?" The answer is: Ferris Bueller. Unfortunately, the city of Chicago is not a serious candidate. Cameron Crowe's directorial debut in 1989 matches the genius of John Hughes' pictures, plus a bit edgier. This movie is an achingly perfect love story and great from start to finish. It includes a surprising performance by Lili Taylor and superb cameos by Eric Stoltz, Bebe Neuwirth, and Joan Cusack. Like Lloyd's repeated phone messages on Diane's answering machine, I just could not ignore this film or say "No" to Seatown.
Second matter of business: I have been promised a puppy. When I move in with my friends into a house, two of them are getting a dog. Which means I will be an uncle.

So I chose Seattle.
In the words of Mr. Dobler, "I am looking for a dare to be great situation."

The Best Roast Beef Sandwich In Washington State

2009-11-17T21:39:00.000-08:00

I just asked myself, "Jamie, aren't you working on a novel? Why are you blogging again?"

The answer I gave myself is: "I have trouble focusing on one thing for very long. Call it attention-deficit disorder, if you like, but I would liken it to multi-tasking and not placing any limits on my creativity. I will continue working on my novel tomorrow and get to my goal of 5,000 words. So leave me alone, guilty personality."

For the moment, let's concentrate on the demise of one of our most lovable American franchises, Arby's. I recently read an article on Slate about the decline of this fast food restaurant, while other franchises like McDonald's are seeing profit gains. The writer claims that Arby's (a) has not changed its menu to include seemingly-nutritious items (like the McDonald's salads, which are not that healthy), (b) it does not offer any popular items besides its sandwiches (like Wendy's original Frosty), and (c) it hasn't had a memorable ad campaign (since forever ago). Furthermore, Arby's has allegedly suffered by merging with Wendy's in 2008.
I visited an Arby's on a lunch break to see how the atmosphere compared to other successful fast food restaurants. After ordering and eating my meal, I'm a little baffled why Arby's are failing around the country. The restaurant on 15021 Pacific Avenue S. in Tacoma may be some anomaly in the whole Arby's culture, but that place has the best customer service of any fast food joint I've been in. I expect about half of all fast food cashiers to be apathetic and indifferent about their jobs, and it's sort of understandable. Many of the employees are teenagers who would rather be doing something fun then standing behind a counter wearing brightly-colored uniforms and pretending to be friendly. The young man who helped me with my order kept addressing me as "sir," which I think shows a mark of respect toward customers (call me old-fashioned). He was polite and smiled often, and it felt genuine.
I should tell you this is not the first time I've been here, and I felt exactly the same way when I interacted with another employee. Arby's is definitely doing something right. It just doesn't involve flashy ad campaigns that involve blockbuster movies or popular boardgames. At least this particular restaurant is hiring great employees and training them to provide first-class service. In addition, the Arby's I visited has two bells posted at each entrance. Next to the bell reads a placard that says: "Ring For Great Service!" On my way out the door, I did not hesitate to make some noise. I think this is a fantastic way to create a fun environment that rewards employees and invites customers to show their appreciation.
In regards to the food, I have to say the curly fries are pretty tasty. Second, Arby's is unique in offering Arby's original sauce and Horsey sauce, and allowing customers to put as much sauce as they want on a sandwich.
Not sure what Arby's needs to do to stay relevant. Perhaps it needs to come up with a character more captivating than "Oven Mitt." I don't think it needs to offer more healthy food. I don't go to Dairy Queen because I want apple slices. I want a frickin' Blizzard! For the same reason, I want to be able to drown my roast beef sandwich in Arby's sauce. I have a much better view of Arby's than Jack in the Box, Carl's Jr., or Taco Bell, because I've never gotten sick from one of its sandwiches. That fact, however, can't be communicated in a commercial or print ad. "It doesn't cause diarrhea" doesn't sit well (no pun intended). Maybe the franchise needs an elite celebrity endorsement, such as the man discussed below.

********************
For some reason, I can't get the Poll gadget on my blog to work (thanks, Scott, for letting me know). It requires users to sign in, and I don't know how to deactivate that. So here's my poll for the day, which may require you to listen to Journey songs on youtube.

How much do you love Steve Perry?
A. Separate Ways
B. Open Arms
C. Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'

Day After Veteran's Day

2009-11-12T22:53:00.001-08:00

Never work in a public library the day after a holiday.
People are crazier than normal. One day of being closed completely throws off the weekly rhythm of our patrons. It's like they've been deprived of a drug, and now their craving (for information and time on Facebook) is ravenous and they are more irrational.

So when the power goes off for a half second in the building, causing all the computers to reboot, it's not a minor bump in the road. It's a reason for someone to complain, "My computer's not loading worth shit," and soon others chime in, "Mine's not working, either."
I wanted to say to all of them: "There is not a fucking magic button that immediately makes all the computers run at full speed. If I knew about this button, I would be either ridiculously rich or I would at least hold a position where I didn't have to talk to you. The only thing I can suggest is patience, a virtue that does not seem to be in your possession."
Instead I said, "Try logging off and on your computers one more time, and hopefully it will work. That is all I can tell you right now, and I might need to call tech services."
Deal with it, people. Try living in another country, where events transpire much slower. Look what instant gratification has gotten you thus far: an unplanned pregnancy.
Okay, my last comment went too far. But dealing with angry people who only think about themselves gets a little tiresome. Most of the time, this frustration can be suppressed and I can shrug it off. Today was different.

One of the reasons our patrons were irritable is because the library recently shifted to a new computer reservation system. When we first unveiled it, people were eager to try it out and encouraged that they could book a computer station hours ahead of time. However, there is a percentage of people who fear change. They are comfortable with writing their name on a waiting list, and they are not interested in learning a new technology. They seem to think that the new system is a waste of time, conveniently forgetting about all the time they've waited for computer stations in the past. Many library systems use this method (Seattle Public and King County's users have been reserving computers this way for years), so Pierce County is just catching up with the cool kids. It's that awkward phase where we have to convince people it can be more convenient for them. I acknowledge it's not an easy transition for everyone, but it is more efficient (less work for us and them monitoring the list on paper) and prevents mix-ups about who is first, second, third, etc. in line to use a computer.
Sometimes it pains me to confront people who are so resistant to change. Because if they are furious about a simple procedural change (one woman commented: "Now I remember why I don't come to the library"), how can we even start to fix broader problems like health care and education?
And the answer is unfortunately: We ignore these cantankerous people and we force the changes on them.
Oh God, my rant got political. And I realize that I am fully in favor of totalitarianism.

Alright, let's end with a funny story (and then I'll get back to writing my novel):
A woman came up to me the other day at the information desk and asked me for books about names. I showed her a few items, thinking that maybe she was trying to find the perfect name for her baby. Then she whispered to me, "Do you have any books about identity change?" She was talking so quietly that I almost couldn't hear her. As if someone would overhear our conversation and immediately reveal her true identity and her past would come crashing down on her. She was wearing a straw hat with a wide brim, that no doubt kept others from noticing her.
What was this woman's story? Was she on the lam after fleeing a crime scene, a crazed husband, or a failed embezzlement scheme? Something about a woman on the run turning to the public library for a fresh start is humorous to me. Maybe one way for libraries to evolve in the twenty-first century is to provide a certain degree of "protection" for patrons. Either that, or offer private investigation services.

Blogger Hiatus

2009-11-03T22:51:00.001-08:00

No, I'm not going to Italy again. I'm doing something even better - writing a good old-fashioned novel. After this morning, I have 967 words. I'm aiming for a total of 50,000 words, because it's a nice round number. So I'm going to be laying off the blog for a little while. My creative energy and powers of observation will be focused entirely on composing a New York Times bestseller, that will eventually be made into a Coen Brothers film. Don't tell me I'm delusional. I'm going to be rich. Filthy rich! And that's when I'll start blogging again, as a conceited celebrity who just wants to be loved and not judged for his drug habit and drunk driving charges.

Either way, I hope to be done with the first draft well before March Madness, which is more important than anything.

Measuring Success At Two In The Morning

2009-11-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

What are the indicators of a successful party? How do you know when your holiday bash is meeting standards for fun?

Okay, you had plenty to drink and felt buzzed. Maybe you danced with a cute girl or boy. And you liked the music and cupcakes. But what benchmarks or milestones show that a good time was had by all? Last night I was at a Halloween party that went pretty swimmingly. Several factors made it a rollicking good time, and I'm going to share them with you. If these things happen, you know your party is going well (for a social gathering that has 30+ revelers).

1. The song "Thriller" is played during the middle or second half of the party.
2. You have to yell really loud to get people's attention.
3. Every last drop of the mystery punch is consumed.
4. People are constantly flowing into different rooms and areas of the house (and thus mixing with strangers and getting to know new people).
5. Two people who meet at the party end up making out.
6. A contest or activity attracts avid participants (this party had a costume contest as well as fire-twirling in the backyard).
7. There are five people dressed as California Raisins.
8. Some object is completely destroyed (Devon and I jumped on Neal's refrigerator costume repeatedly and it was very gratifying - it was our version of a pinata).
9. The dance floor is consistently populated.
10. Conga Line! (I confess I joined the line because I got to dance behind a very hot female version of Mega Man).

Laws of the Friendly Skies

2009-10-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

During my flight from Milan to JFK International Airport last week, a strange thing occurred. An American Airlines sweater (belonging to a flight attendant) was allegedly stolen by a passenger. Of course, the announcement over the intercom never referred to the act as theft. "If you accidentally picked up the sweater on your way into the cabin, please return the item." Later, as we descended into New York, a stewardess issued a warning over the speakers. She told us that security would be notified and that they would search our bags if the sweater was not recovered. An empty threat and a nice scare tactic at best.

I don't believe the sweater was returned or found, because the flight attendants eyed us suspiciously as we got off the plane. They still said their friendly "goodbye" and "thanks for flying" as we entered the ramp to the gate, but their stares were fixed on our bodies and carry-on luggage - scanning for evidence of stealing, such as a piece of blue fabric sticking clumsily out of a gymbag. It's not clear what happened exactly. If someone had pilfered an airline sweater and had been caught, though, I'm not sure what law applies to that passenger. It was an international flight operated by an American company departing from an Italian destination (where the theft probably occurred), with the person possibly being detained on American soil. As a person with a library degree, I confess I don't know how to go about researching the legal implications of this act. Does this fall under federal law laid down by the FAA, the guidelines of the ICAO (an agency of the U.N.), the rules of the NTSB (another U.S. agency), the jurisdiction of the TSA, or all of the above? Enough bureaucratic acronyms to give anyone a headache.

I did find this story about a man who forced his way past a flight attendant to use a business class lavatory when he got "the runs." The man was sitting in coach and was forbidden by the flight crew from entering the first class cabin, even though a beverage cart was blocking his way to the back bathrooms. At the time, he probably didn't know he was choosing between two options:
(a) crapping his pants and suffering humiliation
or
(b) spending two days in jail.

That's a tough choice. Not the best endorsement for Honduran food.

Holy Roman Empire

2009-10-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

While I was roaming Italy this month, several questions crossed my mind. They came up in conversation or contemplation while writing in my journal. Now these mysteries have been solved...sort of.

1. Which is older? The "Popemobile" or the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile?
Mercedes claims to have built the earliest version of the Popemobile in 1930. But the car doesn't resemble the model (that capture the full body view of His Grace behind bulletproof windows) we see today. In fact, bulletproof glass on all four sides was not added until 1981, following an assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II. So it's really a matter of determining when "Popemobile" entered our vernacular. Here are some images of the various Popemobiles over the last 40 years. As for the Weinermobile, Oscar Mayer started using the vehicle in 1936 and it has been redesigned at least six times. Of course, it has its own blog.
(for rappers or lyricists, words that rhyme with popemobile include waterwheel and cochineal)

2. What is the difference between surrealism and dadaism?
This question popped up after a visit to the Vatican Museum, which houses $40 billion worth of art. We all know Salvador Dali was a surrealist, and liked to paint melting clocks. According to several sources, surrealism is an art movement characterized by unexpected juxtaposition and exploring the creative power of the unconscious mind (started in the 1930s). As my friend Allison so aptly put it, "when stuff doesn't make sense." Actually, I think she was describing dadaism. But it's important to know that surrealism was born out of dadaism. Dadaism included art that rebelled against the so-called civilized world and the barbarism of war. It was a response to the horrors of World War I and tried to subvert what was traditionally beautiful. Some examples of Dadaist art included photomontages assembled from magazine ads and illustrations, collages made from pieces of litter, and ordinary items (such as a bicycle wheel mounted to a stool). This was not a Renaissance with pretty oil paintings; it was a hostile reaction to the declining values of mankind and it sought to illuminate the absurdity in the world. Surrealism was more about expressing the perspectives of the "metaphysical world."

3. What's the chain of command in the Catholic Church?
It's not a rigid heirarchy, except that everyone answers to the pope and a particular bishop. In order of closest to farthest away from God: The Pope (successor of St. Peter and Bishop of Rome and Latin Church), Cardinals (make up a College of Cardinals that advises and elects the pope), Archbishops (head of Archdioceses - duh!), Bishops, Priests, Deacons.

Thanks be to Wikipedia. Amen.

On The Shores Of The Great Como

2009-10-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have never been on a trip of such magnitude, where offerings of wine, champagne and chocolate dessert were deposited before me at regular intervals. Every three or four hours, servants with white gloves attended to my needs of nourishment and hydration (if one considers replenishment equaling a pleasant buzz). My taste buds did not have time to rest. I would not expect the same kind of service if I had achieved a rank of nobility.

At my cousin's wedding in the village of Blevio (north of Como, Italy), no expense was spared. If every union of two lovers was celebrated in this fashion - a week-long celebration with high-end cuisine, luxury, and glamour - than there would be a vast reduction in the number of divorces around the world...unless couples expected life to continue in the same manner as their fairytale weddings.

A look at the wedding dinner menu (served in six courses) sheds light on the week's extravagance:

Crudite with Gorgonzola cream
Stuffed vegetables Ligurian Style
Vegetables puff pastry with sweet Pecorino cream

Risotto with rosmarin and lemon rind

Chianina beef Tagliata with rosmarin flavour

Crispy vegetables with Modena Balsamic vinegar
Spinach pie
Caponata with light pesto

Apple sorbet with Calvados

Wedding Cake & Italian Confetti

(Italian confetti, by the way, are sugar-coated almonds; traditionally, they are distributed to guests in odd numbers, but generally 5 each - symbolizing the qualities of health, wealth, happiness, fertility and long life; we consumed a lot of them, so maybe Ryan and Alexa will be extra healthy and wealthy and happy)

The villa pictured above (Villa Maria Taglioni, named after the owner and celebrated ballet dancer) was the site of the wedding ceremony, and acted as guest quarters and dining hall. Not pictured is the second villa (Villa Maria Serena) where I stayed with half of the wedding party, south of this building. I was unable to get an exact date on the age of the buildings, but both appear to be Neo-gothic structures from the nineteenth century that have undergone major renovations. The villas look pretty new if you inspect the exteriors, but the stone sea walls look ancient.
The property contains a boat dock, a heated swimming pool, an underground parking complex, and a huge park that used to be a botanical garden in the late 1800s. Though it's hard to explain exactly what this experience was like, the best way to relate is by looking at the Villa del Lago website.

After this vacation, the term "wining and dining" means something different to me. And I don't expect to ever reach these heights of luxury ever again. That's why I want to capture this as much as possible. I lived like a duke or earl or baron for seven days.

Kitschy Krap

2009-10-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't bring back many souvenirs from Italy. My gifts to people usually come in postcard form. For some of my friends, I like to pick the cheesiest postcard possible. I would rather have them experience an alternate reality...where the wealthy lakefront village of Bellagio is synonymous with three golden retriever puppies yawning.

But, then again, I'm not a fan of shopping when I'm traveling. Why spend time wandering through boutiques and bazaars when you can just purchase impractical gifts through the airplane catalog Skymall? On the way back from your time abroad, look inside this magazine and you'll find everything your parents and friends always needed. For example, there's a Christmas platter with an image of a drunk reindeer that reads, "I've fallen and I Chianti get up!" Priceless, right? What about a DNA test for your dog (pictured)? Below is a sampling of items that will be appreciated by anyone (make sure to click on the hyperlinks to see them in their splendor).

The Slanket: One size fits all d-bags!
Forest Face: Squirrels will go nutty for their favorite sports teams!
Helmutt House: By the way, 90% of dogs hate the Big 12 conference.
Truck Antlers: "A great gift for drivers with a sense of humor..." - and feelings of self-doubt.
Jumpin Jammerz: When a Slanket just doesn't cut it, try a onesie.
Zombie of Montclaire Moors: I would actually like to see more of these statues in our gardens. I think it will restore the nation's calm.
Pet Doorbell: Why not just teach your dog sign language?
Skyrest Pillow: Only thing more offensive than a Segway.

I feel like all of the ideas in Skymall are inspired by America's Funniest Home Videos. That's the level of creativity we're talking about.

Dirty Canals

2009-10-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

Ciao bella. Come stai? Auito!

Greetings from Italy. The above rough translates to "How are you? I am horny. Extremely!"

Spending the last day of my journey in Milan. Unfortunately it's a Monday, which means all the museums are closed. So I've just been wandering the streets from park to park. And looking into a church here and a Prada store there. Milan is not as pretty as some of the other Italian cities.
Today, I visited the Navigli District, a network of canals and footbridges in the southern part of the city. The system was originally designed by Leonardo da Vinci and it's described as the "Venice of Lombardy." Umm, I haven't been to Venice...but I'm pretty sure it's not a bunch of non-moving piles of garbage. Seriously, this water was shallow and not going anywhere, and had newspapers, an umbrella, a beer glass, food wrappers and lots of litter. Thanks a lot, Leonardo da Vinci! Did you manage to make anything beautiful during your career? Anything? Name one positive thing you did for the people of Italy.
I've noticed a lack of water movement before - when I was in Florence. The Arno River does not flow. It just attracts mosquitoes. It's time for Italy to establish a national directive to get its water back on track and on the move. The Tiber River is the exception. But that's not surprising. Everything in Rome is bigger and more beautiful.
Since I was just aimlessly ambling around Milan this morning, I noticed a lot more store signs than usual. Here are the top 5:

City Life Cafe: Self-Restaurant Steak House
My Grill
Free Time Hair Studio
Jolly Hotel President
Baby Killer: Outlet Bambini

The last name is sort of disturbing for a baby clothing store. However, fashion is paramount in this culture. Every time I get on the train, I notice how I have the worst pair of shoes in my subway car. They're a pair of old Nike sneakers, when others are wearing Hogans, La Costes, and various high quality leather shoes. This makes me a little self-conscious about my whole wardrobe, and then I overcompensate with hair product. Just like all my favorite Italian soccer stars. The fauxhawk will never die, as long as footballers are allowed to style their own hair.
Which reminds me - there is a huge poster of half-naked David Beckham and Posh Spice in the city center. It must be at least 100 foot wide. Beckham's head is as big as a Smart Car.

I was glad to finally find this internet cafe. It was my third try. Guess that's what happens when I'm using a guidebook from 2003. I promise my 4 or 5 followers that I will provide more tidbits on Italy when I get back. I've been keeping a journal and there are more highlights to come in online form.

Me & Tussin

2009-10-01T21:43:00.000-07:00

I had a weird version of the flu recently. It was predominantly feverish, where I would experience chills and overheating constantly. It resulted in excessive sweating during sleep. I would wake up every hour or so, and feel like someone had dumped a gallon of water on me. As for the other symptoms, the cold and sore throat were pretty tame. It took me a few days to recover, and now I have this lingering cough.

I'm getting ready for a trip overseas, and I want to be rid of this thing. Apparently herbal tea and cough drops aren't enough. So I've turned to my good friend Tussin. Tussin doesn't actually cure the cough. According to drugs.com, it has a substance called detromethorpan (DXM) that messes with your brain signals, in order to suppress the cough reflex. It provides palliation (another big Harvard word - making it easier to endure symptoms).

I didn't mind taking cough syrup as a kid. Its varieties were definitely sweeter and better-tasting than the alternatives, like Nyquil or Theraflu. But I didn't remember that the doses were so small. Only 2 teaspoons? Really? It's only got 1.4% alcohol.
Now, upon further research, I see what increased doses can do to a young child or an adult. When the prescribed doses are exceeded, over-the-counter medicines (OTCs) that contain DXM can cause psychoactive effects and "complete disassociation from one's body." But, on top of the fun hallucinogenic experience, DMX abusers can feel extremely nauseous. A website operated by The Partnership For a Drug-Free America explains the side effects using a cartoon animal (who looks a lot like Stimpy). The projectile vomiting animation is a little disturbing. A former Robo-tripper testifies on the site that DXM use caused her to throw up foam, in a rabies-like tantrum. There is no indication that her head began to spin violently while spouting curses at a clergy member.
However, another ex-imbiber of Tussin reported that he broke into cars and robbed people, and was not afraid of getting shot. Cough medicine gave him a feeling of invincibility and he didn't care about other people. Perhaps that's why DXM pills are called Red Devils.
I don't get why they're called Skittles, though. Unless it has to do with the drug abusers...who can't afford illegal drugs...and they're forced to resort to a multi-colored variety of OTCs bought from grocery stores and pilfered from bathroom cabinets.

I know this must sound like an anti-drug commercial. But I can't understand why anyone would overdose on cough syrup when one of the main side effects is stomach sickness. And it's so white trash.

Says the guy who's consumed Sparks and Joose.
Don't judge me.

On special occasions, I put lime in my PBR.

Sexpresso, Part 2

2009-09-29T17:33:00.000-07:00

Months ago, I discussed the popularity of bikini-clad baristas at Puget Sound latte stands. I had stated that this kind of coffee service makes me uncomfortable. The same way being at a strip club makes me uncomfortable. Well, that was before I learned what was happening at Grab n' Go Espresso in Everett. Apparently, baristas at this coffee stand allow men to touch their bare breasts and asses, for a minimal fee...which is why five women were charged with prostitution last week.

Yes, just in case you were wondering, it does a constitute a sex act if you pay someone $20 to expose herself. Even if she's in the act of preparing a mochachino with extra foam. But let's not get bogged down in the legal aspects of this kind of entertainment. Should these ladies be criticized for being creative in their means of presentation? When baristas are licking whip cream off of each other, they're just convincing customers of the tastiness of whip cream and its multiple uses. When they offer to play "basketball" (allowing men to throw wadded-up money into their underpants), how is this any different than a carnival game at a state fair? And honestly, shouldn't the Everett Police be more concerned about the kind of prostitution that involves sexual intercourse? The officers probably figured this would be easier and more fun to investigate than going after the pimps.
"Okay, one more whip cream show just to make sure what they're doing is wrong. We just need a little more evidence."

According to KOMO News' Michelle Esteban, customers could order a "special show with their cup of joe" if they specified a "20 oz. latte." This seems like a stupid codeword to me. What if I really wanted a 20 oz. latte and nothing else? Or am I supposed to wink twice at the end of my order, so they know what I'm talking about?

I appreciate the comment left by a reader on the Everett Herald website: "Difficult to make a decision regarding this story: I believe that barista pictures would help the reader's understanding immensely."
Hopefully the above photo will help all of you make an informed decision. I vote YES.

Trash Talking Your Illness

2009-09-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Whenever you get sick, it's easy to get down on yourself. You feel like you're being held hostage by a virus, and you have to wait until the police (i.e. antibiotics) negotiate a safe release. You're helpless to do anything but sit motionless in bed. You might be inclined to try prayer. Or watch your favorite movie in an attempt to ignore the pain and discomfort.

Chin up, sport. You don't have to be so complacent. Tell the cold, the flu, the sore throat, or bronchitis how you really feel. If you just lay there pitying yourself, the virus will think it has won the game, and it will run up the score. Here's a guide to approaching your enemy and retaking your health. Body and mind go together, as well as yo mouf!

1. Question its intensity.
"How many people you kill? I ain't gonna say how many I killed. Don't wanna embarrass ya. You sure you related to the swine flu? Cuz what you're bringing is weak. I mean, your game is pathetic."
2. Remind it of your perfect record.
"Every season, you know who comes out on top? This guy. How many rings you got? I'm undefeated and I'm just getting started!"
3. Talk about endurance.
"You've got to outlast me, son. But you ain't got the stamina! Pack yo bags. Train's leavin.' Get home to yer wife. Dinner's gettin' cold."
4. Point out the scoreboard repeatedly.
"You do realize I'm winning, right?"
5. Emphasize how its play is one-dimensional and downright flawed.
"I'm coming at you from all angles, kid! Hydration - BAM! Nutritious diet - BAM! Loads of sleep - BAM! Theraflu - BAM! All you know are two approaches: throat phlegm and night sweats. I got lozenges and Advil for that! I know how to defend that shit!"
6. Be real.
"I didn't get in to this game to make friends. I came to bring the pain and get paid. You're just another chump standing in the way. Step off before I break somefin' off!"
7. Speculate on the nature of things.
"The way I see it: I get back to 100% and I'm making six, seven figures a year. You know, makin' a name for myself. In the meantime, you're still hopping from person to person, leeching off anyone you can find. No retirement plan, no stock portfolio, no Benzos. Nothing to speak of! Now that's a sad excuse for a life, man."

Advice For Lovers

2009-09-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a tiny bit sick this evening. Too much fun on a Friday night right at the beginning of flu season will do that to you. I'm trying to stay hydrated and fed, but my mental energy is zapped. So for today's posting, I'm mailing it in. I'm going with some old material.

Below is a list I gave to my soon-to-be-married cousin for her bridal shower. In a few weeks, I will be joining her and my family in Italy for the marriage ceremony (the Camel leads a tough life, I know). These pieces of advice were not meant to enlighten her or impart wisdom. Asking me for relationship advice is like asking a kitten how to replace a timing belt.
I'm still not sure how this whole partnership thing works. For what it's worth, here are my helpful pointers:

Listen attentively to your spouse.
Take a lesson from our nation’s two-party system. Filibusters don’t get you anywhere. Compromises get you Medicare and national parks.
Take turns making meals.
Take cues from your spirit animal. If you’re a dolphin, swim around difficulty. If you’re a rabbit, hop over adversity. If you’re a large smelly walrus, you might want to rethink your choice of spirit animal.
Birthdays and anniversaries are obviously important dates to remember. But it’s fun to celebrate unexpectedly, too. So when you’ve prepared a fun evening for your partner and s/he asks you “What’s the occasion?” you just say, “Because this date marks the end of the Franco-Prussian War and because I love you” (nobody knows the exact date, not even Kaiser Wilhelm knew for sure).
Never use sports analogies when discussing your relationship, and don’t take steroids.
There are certain qualities about your mate that you will always admire and cherish. All other things are subject to change. Be understanding of these changes.
Notes, letters and cards are still nice to give and receive, even when you live together.
Shouldn’t have to tell you this, but travel every so often. Three-day weekends are rad.
A simple yet profound saying from “The Care Bears” cartoon: Sharing is caring.

Next Stop, Sillyville Station!!!

2009-09-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

One of the disparities I noticed at the Puyallup Fair yesterday was the amount of cages devoted to pigeons compared to those with bunnies. I mean, there were a lot of pigeons. I'm talking about a full barn of birds that don't differ too much in size or shape or personality. Not as cute as the ducks or as interesting as the turkeys - which is why pigeons are usually ignored. They are perceived as unsanitary street birds who live off the leftover crumbs of city dwellers, and they're maybe only a notch above crows, in terms of respect. According to the dictionary, "pigeon" is actually slang for (a) a young woman, or (b) a person who is easily fooled or cheated. Well, in this case, the pigeons have apparently tricked people into displaying them in large numbers. It's not a surprise that this barn was almost empty, except for a group of people clamoring around a incubator of baby chicks.

Nonetheless, the pigeon barn provided a quiet rest stop from the other activities on the fairgrounds. Shouts and screams accompanied the grinding of roller coaster wheels. Yelps of excitement came from the mouths of souvenir-crazed, face-painted boys and girls. A creepy guttural voice emanated the High Striker booth, where a microphone-wearing carnival worker implored people to slap a hefty hammer onto a metal block.

I am just outside Sillyville, where amusement rides and rigged carnival games mingle with inflatable unicorns and fried food. There are a few language barriers to overcome. A corn dog, for example, is called a "krusty pup." The man who handed me two balls to throw at metal milk bottles is toothless. I can't understand what he is saying. But I know that I lost. My first pitch knocks the top bottle from its perch. My second pitch sails high - wap! - into the plastic drape. I do not win a stuffed animal imported from China and I feel swindled. I should have tried the Hoop Shot instead (and maybe I would have ended up with a framed High School Musical poster).

Besides the roller coaster ride, the animals are the stars here. The pygmy goats are admirable because they're small. Their chests hang low to the ground like daschunds and they occasionally bleat, to tell you that one or more of their four stomachs could use nourishment. They're not picky. Just let them eat something. Now.

The piglets laying in the hay next to their massive mother are fast asleep, and nothing will wake them up. They couldn't possibly be the reason behind swine flu. They're much too lazy.

The highland cattle have amazing bangs and facial hair (pictured). They are the hipsters of cows. They shun black and white Holstein fashion and they let their hair grow out. Yeah, they're dairy cows, but don't tell anybody. A few of them have worked at record stores and met members of The Clash. They would like to travel to Eastern Europe.

And then there's the "Doggies of the Wild West" show. I just caught the last few minutes, but it featured a tiny dog climbing a ladder. With a helmet on. You tell me that's not's entertainment.

Let's Peruse The Periodicals

2009-09-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'm going to the Puyallup Fair, otherwise known as "The Big Fantastic."
Barnyard animals, the Tilt-a-Whirl, mutton bustin' and Fisher Scones are some of the highlights of this 2-week-long event. Being a ridiculously nerdy person with a library science degree, rather than tell you what the other attractions are, I will give you a list of periodicals that describe the plethora of activities and sights. These are, in fact, magazines in print:

Rug Hooking Magazine
Creating Keepsakes Magazine (scrapbooking)
The Draft Horse Journal
Rubber Stamp Madness
Illusion: The Magazine For Today's Face and Body Artist
Holstein World
Juggle Magazine
Wood Carving Illustrated
Amusement Today
Dessert Professional Magazine

I'm mostly disappointed there's not a magazine about scrimshaw. And that there doesn't seem to be even a quarterly periodical for circus or rodeo clowns. But I was impressed to find Circopedia, the free encyclopedia of the international circus. You can learn all about clown college on that site.

Sufficient Warning

2009-09-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

We've all read the sides of beer cans.
"Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery." It doesn't specify what kind of machinery, or say, the difference between using a blender to make a margarita and driving a forklift into oncoming traffic. But I think we can all agree with the general statement.

A few days ago, I was watching film previews on a DVD and I got a different sort of warning. During an advertisement for the movie "State of Play," there was a message that read: This film contains depictions of tobacco consumption.

Okay. Thank you for pointing that out. I was getting really excited about watching Russell Crowe's latest political thriller, but now...NOW I will abstain. Because the sight of someone smoking causes me to have seizures that are untreatable with modern medicine. The actual act of a person using a Zippo causes instant vertigo. This was so helpful of you, film industry. You just saved me from unspeakable pain and outrage.

Another warning I discovered recently was on the back of my Speed Stick Gel deodorant. It caused me a bit of concern. On the same sticker that promotes it uses as (1) reduces underarm wetness and (2) extra effective, it reads: Ask a doctor before you use if you have kidney disease.

What would happen if I did have kidney disease? Would my armpits melt? Or would my kidneys take unkindly to the Aqua Sport fragance? Regardless, if I have sick kidneys, I would be robbed of a deodorant that is extra effective. I would smell like rubbish. People wouldn't sit next to me on the bus.
That's why I've made the choice to never have kidney disease. Or never acknowledge it. I want to be smelling great until the day I die.

If you do have kidney disease, you should avoid tripropylene glycol. Propylene glycol by itself isn't bad. But once it's been tripled, watch out!

My First Baseball Playoff Game

2009-09-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

I know what you're saying.
"But Jamie, the baseball playoffs don't start until October."
Well, obviously you've never been to a Triple-A playoff game.

Tonight, I attended a Tacoma Rainiers playoff game (vs. the Sacramento Rivercats) with my friend Holly. The atmosphere was not exactly electric. The parking lot outside Cheney Stadium was mostly empty, and there were only about 25 fans in the general admission bleachers (usually the most enthusiastic and inebriated section). I guess a Wednesday night does not draw many fans, even if it is Game 1 of a 5-game playoff series.

The night got off to a promising start. Rhubarb, the Mariner Moose look-alike mascot, came up behind me and gave me a back massage. And then he gave me a kiss. Which included a "lip-smack" sound effect. Like mimes, I thought mascots weren't supposed to make sounds. I was wrong.

The game quickly got ugly when the Evil Empire scored 3 runs in the top of the 1st inning. I call them the Evil Empire because they've won the last two Triple-A championships (so I suppose they resemble the Yankees of the late 90s; disregard the fact that Sacramento is an Oakland A's franchise). The Rivercats added two more in the 2nd inning. Fortunately, the disappointing beginning was interuppted by the Fun Squad's dance performance of the song "Thriller." Rhubarb was wearing a red leather jacket, while his dance companions were clothed in ripped zombie shirts. The choreography was amazing. I can't really describe it. Maybe something like this.

Every time Rivercats outfield Chris Denorfia walked up to bat, some heckler would yell:

"Hey, Number 16! Get a real job!"

Yet it was unclear what constituted a proper occupation. Or why 29 year-old Chris Denorfia of Bristol, Connecticut, deserved this taunt more than other players...and if the heckler actually held a decent job.

One of the highlights of the night was receiving a souvenir from the Fun Squad (the Fun Squad consists of high school girls with elite cheering skills and expert swag distribution skills). During one of the inning breaks, the announcer shouted, "Hey Rainiers fans, who wants a softy ball?" I wasn't really sure what a softy ball was. But after two cups of Mirror Pond beer, I was thinking, "Yes, I want a softy ball. Throw it the fuck over here." Two elderly people were leaving early from the game and just as a Fun Squad girl was throwing it toward me, they got in my way. I almost lost my shit. But the older couple did the right thing and they gave me the softy ball. They told me to give it to the "little ones" if I had any "little ones." I was like, "No, I don't have any children, but hand it over, Gramps."

$6 tickets. $6 beers. Free softy ball (pictured above). You can't beat Tacoma Rainiers baseball.

This Photo Has Nothing To Do With My Ramblings

2009-09-04T20:08:00.001-07:00

I was just looking for a reason to post this picture. It's the smallest woman perched on the lap of the richest man...back in 1933.
Circus dwarf Lya Graf is seated on J.P. Morgan (during a Senate Committee hearing on the stock market crash of 1929).

Well, I suppose you could connect it to the fact that I'm not the world's richest man. In fact, I'm about to lose my temporary position at the public library, and I'm anticipating a lighter wallet. Which means I need to find another J-O-B, and cut some of my spending.

I've dreamed up a few ideas for limiting expenditures:

Only drink really cheap beer (exclusively Miller High Life, Fall Series - camoflauge can)
Get rid of Comcast cable internet and use the neighborhood park's free wi-fi (rain or shine)
Buy food at dollar stores
Lights and appliances off at 9 pm every night
Kraft Singles (no more mizithra)
Make a fake bus pass
Sublet my kitchen
Stick to "Fun Size" candy, not "King Size"

Ideas for creating cash flow are as follows:

Gamble on sports
Plasma donation
Take coins from fountains
Create some sort of pyramid scheme
Marry a circus dwarf

If you have any further suggestions, please leave a comment. Of course, I already use the library instead of Netflix.

Today's Libraries: Teaming Up With The Antichrist

2009-08-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

While I was waiting for the No. 2 bus last week, a woman handed me a brochure titled "Mark of the Beast: RFID."
For those of you unfamiliar with this technology, RFID stands for Radio Frequency Identification. RFID chips are embedded in some electronic appliances, retail items, and yes, library books. These microchips are used for the purposes of identifying, monitoring and tracking inventory. At the Seattle Public Main Library, for example, there are sensors in the book drop that determine what book is being returned. After its identity is confirmed, the robotic book sorting system directs the item to a location for re-shelving or holds placement. The tag inside each book can also be used as a security device and set off a door alarm if it isn't checked out by a patron.
This system eliminates human sorting (which is costly) and gives robots (who don't take smoke breaks) much needed jobs. Yet the technology itself is costly - each chip costs at least 50 cents (for over 5 million items at SPL). That doesn't count the robotic conveyor belt system and maintenance.

But using public funds exorbiantly and giving jobs to robots are not concerns listed by the brochure. The author(s) is worried that RFID chips will soon be implanted on our bodies, and these "biochips" will be used to monitor our behavior and serve as a form of monetary exchange (remember that scene in "Minority Report" where Tom Cruise's eyes are scanned by The Gap? And the store knew his name?). The brochure states that "there will be privacy invasion and freedom will cease to exist." Furthermore, "anyone who refuses to accept this system will be tortured, then killed [not the other way around]."

And that's where Satan comes into the conversation. "A charismatic leader, who is the Anti-Christ, will rule the whole world through a system that is interconnected and interdependent." According to this logic, accepting a biochip is equated with receiving the mark of the beast, 666. This sin is unforgivable and cannot be reversed by physically removing the chip. Once the chip is implanted, you belong to Lucifer.

So, what does this mean for our nation's library systems? Well, since the Rapture and the Great Tribulation are inevitable (Revelation), I say we do whatever we can to track our items at all times. I suggest 24-hour surveillance from a central control center in which staff members make fun of patron's DVD choices ("'Paul Blart' and 'White Chicks'? You are a pathetic human being.")
Librarians, however, must never accept the mark of the beast. We've stood up against the Patriot Act. And we will not allow anything to be forced on us. Unless Nancy Pearl says it's good for us.

This Stereotype Must Stop NOW

2009-08-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Why can't librarians be gung-ho and cutthroat? Why are we always portrayed as gentle, timid people?
First of all, we are not weak. Librarians develop some pretty good muscles carrying and lifting stacks of James Patterson novels. Second, we have all sorts of books on kendo and kung fu. If we chose to read them, we would be able to kick your deliquent ass (if you have fines over $50). Third, we know more about waterboarding than you think. Librarians listen to NPR all the time. We know that torture has been condemned by the current administration. But we're not afraid to use these methods to determine the location of a Kid Rock CD (after the case has been returned empty).

The following excerpts are descriptions of books that perpetuate the myth of the "unassuming librarian." We need your help to eliminate this widespread problem. Please do not buy or borrow these items. Ever.

Fleece Navidad by Maggie Sefton:
"Christmas is approaching, and the knitters who hang out at House of Lambspun in Fort Connor, Colorado, are working on various holiday projects. Even neophyte knitter Kelly is inspired to help in a project teaching children how to knit. The venture is headed by the quiet town librarian, Juliet, well known for her beautiful hand-knitted Christmas capes. Everyone at House of Lambspun loves the unassuming librarian and is horrified to learn of her death in a hit-and-run accident..."

The Return of Don Quixote by G.K. Chesterton:
"Michael Herne is a gentle, unassuming librarian. When he is asked to play a king in a medieval play he reluctantly agrees. After the play is over, however, strange things begin to happen..."

The Librarian by Larry Beinhart:
"Mild-mannered university librarian David Goldberg decides to supplement his meager salary by cataloging the personal library of Augustus Winthrop Scott, an eccentric billionaire. The fact that Scott is an ultraconservative who thinks nothing of buying politicians and even stealing a presidential election does not bother Goldberg..."

Trojan Enchantment by Kristina O'Donnelly:
"Olivia Hayden, 24, mild-mannered librarian from Indianapolis, USA, is a chrysalis eager to be a butterfly. Until now, just about the only aspect of hers fit to be called free-spirited, was her riotous red-gold hair..."

And finally this review by Publisher Weekly of The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger that paints librarians as somehow disabled, and unable to function in real time:
"Henry De Tamble is a Chicago librarian with "Chrono Displacement" disorder; at random times, he suddenly disappears without warning and finds himself in the past or future, usually at a time or place of importance in his life..."

The only realistic portrayal of the profession comes from Full Exposure by Diana Duncan:
"To the passengers aboard the cruise ship Alexandra's Dream, Ariana Bennett appears to be an unassuming librarian. But her real mission is to probe the underworld of antiquities smuggling and find the criminals who framed her father and caused his death..."

Playing Touch Football In Comfortable Jeans

2009-08-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

Above is the most annoying television commercial of all time:
Brett Favre is playing touch football with his buddies in a muddy Midwestern-looking field. He's playing quarterback, of course. All of the sudden, one of his teammates is wide open down field, while everyone else is mucking about on the line of scrimmage. In typical Favre fashion, he throws behind his receiver, so that the player has to stretch out to catch the football. The guy falls down in a puddle because of Favre. Thanks, Brett. You jerk.

Many people like myself fixate on the boneheadedness of that play or a just a blind hatred of Favre. Which distracts us from realizing that the ad is actually trying to sell us jeans.
"Real. Comfortable. Jeans."
I don't think I fall into the category of someone who listens to celebrities when purchasing pants. Especially when athletes and movie stars have cash to buy any kind of jeans they want. These famous people tell me they get their jeans from K-Mart of Target. Am I supposed to believe that? That even Dale Earnhardt Jr., the epitome of a redneck celebrity, with millions in product endorsements, is strolling around a J.C. Penney, looking for the perfect mid-rise fit?

Yet I have bought expensive jeans. And it's not because of Jay-Z. It's because they fit well and look good, and they're durable. My last two pairs of jeans are Lucky Brand. The tag that came with them said the following about me: "He doesn't like to rock the boat too much...it isn't his style. No need to chase trends...he already looks good in his mid rise, classic fit, straight leg jeans." Which really isn't too far off from what Favre's Wrangler brand represents: Just a normal guy who wants to be comfortable in his clothing.

What do other brands promote about their jeans?
Diesel is focused on men attracting women. A recent motto reads: "Diesel Jeans gets you there. The rest is up to you." (and then there's this weird humorous Japanese commercial)
If you're going to wear Abercrombie jeans, only one thing matters: you look good with your shirt off. Your chest needs to be shaved and waxed and perfectly toned.
Lee Dungarees uses an odd little doll named Buddy Lee in hilarious ads. I suppose they're targeting men with a good sense of humor, or at least with the knowledge that jeans don't make the man.
Calvin Klein, as we all know, supports orgies, uncomfortable wood paneling, and Marky Mark. Sort of a mixed bag.
Guess Jeans present confusing storylines, sometimes involving Anna Nicole Smith.

So the lesson of this post is...Don't buy jeans from Brett Favre.
If you're a man, just be a man. Not an egomaniac quarterback with limited vocabulary.

Dewey Revisionism

2009-08-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

As a librarian, I really don't know where every subject fits into the Dewey Decimal system. I've memorized the numbers I care about: sports = 790, travel = 910, American history = 970, Calvin & Hobbes = 741.5973, and animals = 590. But outside of those things, I try to remember where books are physically located in my library - not by number. My navigation skills are dictated by physical orientation.
But there's got to be an easy conceptual way to think about the Dewey Decimal Classification (DDC) system. Melvil Dewey, no doubt, wanted to organize books in groups that made sense. How much did he pay attention to the order of these groupings? I'm fairly confident there is a linear relation between the subjects. (You would think I studied this in librarian school, but discussion about Dewey was pretty limited; we talked more about Charles Cutter, the Library of Congress classification pioneer)

So, as a memory device for myself, I've created a simplified guide to the DDC. You can picture it as the development of human civilization in nine steps, or as a progression of human thought. It's neither of these, actually; it's more a personal therapy session. I wasn't sure what to do about the subject group 000, since it now includes computers. Computers surely don't represent the beginning of mankind, unless you're a robot. Though I guess you could say computers are now the foundation of most daily activities. Plus, robots will one day rule all over humanity and their infinite wisdom will be valued over centuries of accumulated human knowledge. To illustrate the comparison, I've included the current class designations for the DDC.

Dewey:
000 Computer science, information and general works
100 Philosophy and Psychology
200 Religion
300 Social Sciences
400 Language
500 Science
600 Technology
700 Arts and Recreation
800 Literature
900 History

Jamie:
000 Robots
100 Thinking
200 Believing
300 Sorting Out My Problems (societal ills, mostly)
400 Talking About My Feelings (in different accents)
500 Nature
600 Making Things From Nature
700 Leisure/Partying
800 Writing About My Feelings After The Party Ends
900 I Didn't Want The Party To End; Places I Might Go Next (and wasn't there just a civil war there?)

Titles Of The Week

2009-08-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

I could discuss the prospect of losing my position at work. It's something that's definitely weighing on my mind. Hooray for budget cuts.
But that's not my style. I will instead talk about the strange and funny titles on my library's shelves, thus quietly suppressing my discontent.

Sensual Crochet
Another Day In The Frontal Lobe
How To Iron Your Own Damn Shirt: The Perfect Husband Handbook...
Toilet Training Without Tears
The Bark (dog magazine)
Party Dancing (instructional DVD)
Anaconda 3 (DVD starring David Hasselhoff)
How To Ruin Your Life (By Ben Stein)
The Tacoma Public Utilities Story
Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Nine Inch Nails (CD)
How To Make An Apple Pie And See The World
Spiritual Divorce: Divorce As A Catalyst For An Extraordinary Life
Don't You Just Hate That? 738 Annoying Things
The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through The Undead
The World According to Pretty Toney (by Ghostface Killah)

Taking Food From Strangers

2009-08-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

What's your opinion? If it's free and it looks edible, what would you do?
Push 1 for: Absolutely I would eat it.
Push 2 for: No, it's got rat poison.
Push 3 for: Inspect it thoroughly and weigh your options.

Today, a regular patron at the library brought me half of a sandwich. We had talked earlier about a delicatessen (notice I did not shorten this term to "deli") I had never frequented. She was adamant that I sample the menu from Viafore's, and I told her I was planning on going someday, but limited by public transportation.
Remembering this fact, she called me this morning at the library and said she would bring me a sandwich. I told her, "You really don't have to do this. It will make the other employees jealous." She quickly came up with a solution: "I'll just drop it by and say it's from your mom." Which is exactly what she did.
She's a nice person and not exactly a stranger...but accepting food from someone who've you only interacted with in several two- or three-minute encounters...is a bit questionable.
So what did I do?

I saved it for dinner and polished it off within a matter of minutes. No inspection. Just ate the durn thing.
I am a very trusting person.
You can take advantage of me easily.
If I had been poisoned by a crazy woman, or maybe it's one of those slow-acting poisons, I want my tombstone to read:

"Possessed a hunger for life and sandwiches."

The End Of An Era

2009-08-12T10:15:00.001-07:00

If you consider an era to span 6 months...

My time as a (paying) online dater is over. The Match.com experiment has come to a close. And unlike this guy, I haven't found "the one."
Here are some lessons I've taken from my experience and why I'm not re-upping for another $100:

[Disclaimer: I've made three friends through this process, which was one of my goals. When I moved to Tacoma, I wanted to meet people - so it achieved those ends. So I don't believe it was a waste of time or money. But to continue on this path would probably be frustrating.]

I'm pretty shallow-minded. During my search for prospective mates, the focus was primarily on the photos. If the pictures interested me, I would read parts of the bios and decide if there are any mutual interests, red flags, or intriguing statements. If there was no photo posted, I wouldn't even spend a second looking at the profile.

It's easier to be inconsiderate/dismissive online. Out of all the e-mails I initiated to women, I never received a response back (I only met women when they "winked" or e-mailed me first). I'm not saying this is remarkably different from other forms of communication. Women can choose to ignore you in a number of ways. But a match.com e-mail is easier to disregard than an in-person encounter, a phone call, or text message. So I'm basically paying to be ignored. I don't need to spend money to do that.

Where are all the Tacoma women? This is what I sometimes shout outside my apartment window, and there is only the sound of crickets and hobos. There are lots of women from the Seattle area, but not much to choose from in my hometown.

Too many people like John Grisham. If a woman puts "something by John Grisham" or "Grisham's latest" as the last book she's read, that means she doesn't read. Ever. In this situation, I would prefer honesty. To that woman who wrote "US Weekly," I applaud you.

Women who "love the Seahawks" are actually heavy drinkers. I refuse to believe that there are so many genuine women football fans in the Seattle area. The percentage of pictures of women in Seahawk colors is astounding. Is this an attempt to attract men or can they actually name three wide receivers on the Seattle roster? Neither. They like having an excuse to party on Sunday. Now I think about it, this might be a good thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what's next?
Free dating sites are a possibility (such as plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com). How do the crowds differ on paying sites versus non-paying sites? I am thinking of setting up different types of profiles on these sites, and see what happens. What personality of Jamie is the most appealing?
(a) cocky and career-focused
(b) funny and self-deprecating
(c) obssessed with Rick Springfield
(d) Son of God
(e) relative of Osama bin Laden

Woofstock 2009!

2009-08-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was walking near the campus of the University of Puget Sound, and I noticed something unusual. Several people were parking their cars and unloading their pets. What could explain this mass exodus of pooch owners? I decided to follow the stream of leashed dogs, and I came upon a large lawn filled with dozens of booths and a rock band tuning their instruments. A traffic sign posted near the stage read: "Pets Adopted: 85."

Below the stage was another sign: "Woofstock: Pet Adoption Music Festival."

Forty years after Jimi Hendrix's memorable rendition of the Star Spangled Banner in Woodstock, New York, a lovefest of a different kind was taking place in Tacoma, Washington. Though the t-shirts for sale are tie-dye (and the pscyhedelic font is used to spell out "Woofstock"), no one here appeared to be a hippie. It was just a bunch of people with confused dogs, enjoying the sun and listening to rock music.
If I was a dog, I would be a bit mystified at the events. "Okay, let me off leash now and play with these other dogs! I am a free spirit and this is the summer of love, man." Woofstock, in fact, is not a festival promoting carefree amorous relations between canines. In the parking lot is an ominous truck called the "Spay Station" (above). Looks can be deceiving. On the outside of the truck, a dog and cat astronaut are frolicking on the surface of the moon. Yet inside, I suspect nothing comparable to a spacewalk is going on. Unless you equate the loss of sexual organs to bouncing around in an atmosphere of low gravity.
The highlight for some dogs were the six or seven kiddie pools positioned on the edge of the fair. Some would jump in and twist around wildly, challenging their owners to hang on to the leashes and not get drenched. Other pups would stand there hestitantly, thinking this might be a precursor to a bath, but appreciating the cool water.
Perhaps the strangest thing at Woofstock was the appearance of Heart's former bassist, Steve Fossen. He played a set of three songs with the Kenmore band Somar (pronounced Summer, named after the lead singer, Somar Macek) - all Heart cover songs - predictably "Crazy On You," "Magic Man," and "Barracuda" (which I now always associate with playing "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas").
When last I checked, the pet adoption total was up to 106. I have to admit, Woofstock is a more comfortable place to consider adoption. You're introduced to pets in a more natural setting - versus a row of sad cages in a flourescent-lit shelter.
I think many of the dogs and cats can echo the simple lyrics of Somar's rock ballad:

Take me to your dreams
Take good care of mine
Tell me that you love me one last time
In my darkest hour
I go to sleep at night
In my dreams everything's alright

Suggestions From The 2 Bus

2009-08-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

Everyday on the bus, I receive lots of messages. Messages that I try to drone out with my iPod and by generally avoiding eye contact with passengers. Of course, when I avert my eyes from passengers, I sometimes look up and see the bus advertisements, that are also incredible sources of knowledge. So far, I've learned the following things:

Smoking is bad (from various memos by miserable smokers who express regret over their habits and how they're about to die; the ads are handwritten to imply that they're real)
Terrorists are among us (the ad copy reads: "We can always use an extra pair of eyes. Look around. Be aware. If something doesn't look right, please let us know.")
Don't abandon your baby (that one is pretty straightforward; I can see how leaving your infant in a garbage can or in a cockfight arena might be troublesome)

All great advice.
Still, the bus public service ads are not as convincing as the arguments of other passengers. Today, a man was trying to convince the bus driver that air-conditioned buses are healthier. Without A/C, he insisted, we would just be inhaling exhaust all day. He decided to ignore the following information:
(1) air-conditioned buses only make bus rides more comfortable for 1-2 months a year in the Puget Sound
(2) sudden changes in temperature (from hot to cold and cold to hot) place stress on the physiology of the human body and may make it more susceptible to illness
(3) air-conditioned buses are more expensive and wasteful
(4) freon vapor is heavier than air and can cause suffocation by reducing oxygen available for breathing (although this isn't worrisome unless there's a considerable leak and you're trapped inside a submarine).
The strangest thing about the passenger's complaint? It was a cool, comfortable day.

A few weeks ago, another piece of advice entered my brain: Don't ever steal pickle juice from a crazy woman!
This was confirmed after listening to a lengthy monologue. Here's an abbreviated version:
"It all started with a jar of pickle juice...Pickle juice will clean out your system. I think it's your intestine. Every day I do a few shots of pickle juice - combined with water - and I'm good...He threw out my pickle juice, and I almost broke his fuckin' nose. If I'd had my phone on me, my dad would have been there in ten [minutes]. He would've beat Josh's ass. He's used to takin' on 20 people at once...If only I had my phone on me."

Conversations About Scrubs

2009-08-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

I talked to a patron on the phone two times today.

The first time, he began with a ramble of thoughts. I was glad he was could spell correctly, because I could only understand every third word. He was talking about an actress, and he told me her name was S-A-R-A-H C-H-A-L-K-E. Google Images quickly alerted me that she's a cast member on the medical comedy show "Scrubs." I had seen her so many times on the show, but never knew her name. After going off on several tangents, the man finally came around to a question: "What I really wanna know is how she got her career started."
Via IMDb, I told the man she starred on "Roseanne," and before that, she had done some television work and a few movies. Chalke's first movie was called "City Boy" (1992), in which a young man is torn between his logging livelihood and the love of his life (a 16 year-old Chalke). [Maybe the film was playing off the eco-friendly vibes of "Ferngully," released the same year; yes, there's a Ferngully 2]
But this information did not satisfy the man's curiosity. He asked if there was anything else she had done before that movie. I looked further on IMDb and discovered that she had starred in NBC "More You Know" public service announcements. I assumed that she had been in one of them in 1989 because that was the date listed next to "More You Know." I later realized my mistake. She wouldn't appear in a "More You Know" ad unless she was a NBC star, and she only would have been 13 years old in 1989.
Which brings up a librarian critique of IMDb's cataloging (I know - nerd alert!). "More You Know" is assigned the date 1989, because that's the year NBC started running the ads. So I gave out false information to the man on the phone, because I thought maybe she was just an extra in one of these ads before she made it big. The truth is: Following her debut on Scrubs, Chalke has appeared in 9 "More You Know" ads, on the subjects of anti-prejudice, child abuse and neglect prevention, designated drivers, emergency planning, family communication, second anti-prejudice, seat belts, anti-smoking, and substance abuse. Damn, Sarah is a flowing fountain of wisdom.
More than you needed to know about Sarah Chalke.
Rimshot.

For my money, the above interpretation by Zach Braff is better than any of the real public service announcements. There's also this hilarious fake PSA done by a cast member of "The Office."

The second phone call had to do with the man's interest in whether or not Muhammad Ali had smoked or done steriods.

The Ladder (Not Yet Attempted)

2009-07-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

For a period of months, my friends and I have speculated about an all-day activity that (to my knowledge) has never been attempted. In fact, the idea could have only evolved in the past few years, due to the recent popularity of alcoholic energy drinks. I must first give credit to Karl for creating, or at least, naming the concept "The Ladder." It's easily the most inventive idea since the Manhattan Project in 1942.
"The Ladder" is the offspring of two heralded traditions: competitive drinking and Scooby's All-Star Laff-A-Lympics (an ABC cartoon series that ran from 1977-78). Although the activity pits people against each other in various games and tests, there is a distinct feeling that everyone who makes it up the Ladder is a winner. Currently there are five stages in the Ladder. Each stage consists of two tasks: (a) consuming an alcoholic energy drink and (b) performing a task.
A winner is pronounced at the end of each task, and scores are totalled at the end of the night (or probably, the next morning, if records still exist). A partially-sober referee is not mandatory, but encouraged. Below is a list of each stage (after the initial Ladder is completed, the order might be tweaked a bit):

Stage 1: Drink a Sparks (6% alcohol) and participate in chipping/putting contest
Stage 2: Drink a Sparks Plus (7%) and fire a BB gun at targets
Stage 3: Drink a Tilt (8%) and play Trivial Pursuit
Stage 4: Drink a Joose (9%) and shoot free throws
Stage 5: Drink a Four (10%) and successfully buy a girl a drink at a bar

Once again, survival is the ultimate goal. But if you happen to nail 8 out of 10 free throws, that's pretty impressive, too. Please submit your suggestions for stage events to the Camel. This is still a work in progress. The Vibe Max could be considered as a beverage, once it has been certified by the appropriate authorities. But, in that case, you're adding 12% to the ladder. I'm not worried about the danger of high alcohol content. I'm just concerned about the integrity of the game and the maintaining a progressive climb.

Dubious Claims?

2009-07-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been looking at lodging options in the Puget Sound area.

First off, my parents are coming to Tacoma to visit me, and I suggested the Silver Cloud Inn on Ruston Way. Upon examining the Silver Cloud website, I read that it's the "only waterfront hotel in Tacoma." Whaaaaaat? Can this really be true?

Well, considering there are only about 5 proper hotels in downtown Tacoma and it's the only one located on the water, I suppose the site is correct. In fact, one visitor to the hotel commented: "Our room was right over the water. We woke up to the beautiful sunrise." Not only on the water, but directly over it (which is further proved by the photo). Another vacationer wrote: "The reflection of the water on the ceiling at night is enchanting."

These reviews are more positive than those given to the Rodeway Inn in South Tacoma:
"Staff mistakenly thought we were only staying one night; the 2nd day, they removed our things from the room and ate our food - May 2008."
Then there's the puzzling review of the Days Inn Tacoma Mall posted in September 2008: "Just a roof over my head." Is that favorable? I guess that person just has low expectations.

Later in August, I'm thinking about going camping with some friends after a Flaming Lips concert. I want to stay close to Seattle, and I found a campsite in Fall City called "Snoqualmie River Park and Campground." Some of its features are listed, including clean restrooms, bordering an 18-hole golf course, and fishing and swimming. It also lists disposal station and shade. These two qualities cannot be promoted enough. When I go camping, the first things I think of are:
(A) Will I have some place to put my garbage?
(B) Get that wretched sun out of my eyes.

No More Rage

2009-07-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

One thing I'll miss about having a car is being angry at stupid people.

I won't be frustrated when another person drives erratically or cuts me off or makes an ill-advised turn, causing me to apply full pressure to my brakes and shout, "You've got to be kidding me!"
I won't be pissed off when someone parks their car like a jerk. Either using up two spaces or not allowing enough space to parallel park, or making it impossible for your car to get out. And the most questionable tactic of all time: parking in my designated space.
I will no longer be emotionally affected by these offenses. Thus leading to less stress and allowing me to divert my attention to more important matters, such as "Can I make chipotle mayonnaise at home?" and "Why can't they make a more durable tennis ball?"
I certainly won't have to spend as much time writing hate-fueled notes, to be placed underneath the offenders' windshield wipers. Someone has to put those people in their place, but it's not gonna be me anymore. For those of you who continue to commute and compete for parking spaces, I've compiled a list of notes that may help you deal with irritating automobile behavior. In fact, most of them have uses beyond parking violations. You could easily put this sort of message in an e-mail, text or bridge banner. Next time you get irritated, give one of these try.

"You have not earned my respect."

"Once upon a time, there was a guy who owned a Toyota Tercel. Life was pretty sunny and he thought he was really going places. Then his car exploded."

"Your brake lines are fine. Don't worry about it."

"We will never trade fist bumps or high fives."

"Colonel Mustard, in the Library, with a Candlestick."

"You're a bit of douchebag."

"You lied to me. You know what lying does? It makes baby elephants cry. So that means you're on par with an...(OVER)...IVORY POACHER!!!"

"Lost German Shepherd/Collie. Responds to 'Gringo.' Has sock in stomach. Reward: Negotiable."

"Whenever I see you...I get so weak in my knees, I just can't speak. I lose all control, and something takes over me. Also, the backs of my knees get sweaty."

"You have five minutes to leave this town."

"I have your goldfish and your iPod. One of them is not going to make it through the night."

As you can see, threats are best way to deal with problems. Keep this in mind in the workplace, the gym, and the grocery store.

Here In My Car, I'm As Safe As Can Be

2009-07-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

I kept looking for the perfect song to memorialize this event.

But I only had my 4G iPod. Not the whole iTunes library.
I was sitting in my car for the last time. It was a pleasant day to say goodbye. The brown grass of Wright Park was reflecting the sunlight. I had the front windows rolled down and my elbow rested outside the driver door. The whole car was covered in a film of tree dust and plant pollen. I had left it on the corner of 3rd Ave. S. and G St. for a while. Even though it was probably going to sit in a lot for a few days or a few months, I felt like I should have cleaned it up for its departure. Prettied it up for the open casket ceremony.
This car meant more to me than high school. It had been a dependable beast on countless roadtrips, moves, workday commutes, and other adventures. It's not like putting a pet to sleep, but my attachment with that machine is strong. I remember it rolling down the dusty roads of Death Valley and I remember it camped in the Gorge and I remember it parked outside all of my old homes and apartments. I remember driving it when I shouldn't have (those moments are a bit fuzzier).

Now I needed a song or two to help me say farewell.
First, I selected "Cars" by Gary Numan on my iPod.
Then there was "Drive My Car" by the Beatles.
After that, there weren't too many fitting choices. I landed on "Silver" by the Pixies, because it's the color of my Subaru. Searches for the keywords "highway" and "drive" revealed nothing. I played "Witch Mountain Road" by Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks. Then I just gave up and hit the Random Shuffle.
After listening to "Heaven is a Truck" by Pavement (ignoring the fact that my car's a hatchback), I finished with "In the Streets" by the Shangri-Las, which doesn't have anything to do with automobiles whatsoever. But I found some of the lyrics meaningful (I was going to say "poignant"):

He don't
hang around
with the gang no more
He don't do the wild things
that he did before
He used to act bad
Used to, but he quit it
It make me so sad
Cause I know that he did it
for me

I'll miss you, Subie!
Rest in Peace.

Worst Apartment Complex Name Ever

2009-07-19T15:17:00.000-07:00

I promised a while ago that I would write a column on how to select band names from apartment/condo complexes. Well, here it is. All you need to do is:

Go to Rent.com.
Search for a 1+ bedroom apartment (in the $800-$1400 range) in your hometown.
Browse the results to find a catchy name (and to see what kind of life you've been missing. Jacuzzi? Garbage disposal? Washer/dryer inside the unit?)

This is not the best method for certain bands. Probably optimal for folksy, alt-country or bluegrass bands. Serviceable for indie and no-wave bands. But not suggested for industrial or metal music groups. In the latter's case, I would advise walking down a supermarket aisle while reading over an autopsy report.

As I said, keep your search confined to your hometown. You don't want to include a reference that locals won't understand. While "Prickly Pear Lane" and "Saguaro Duplex" might go over well in the Southwest, you might have a concert-goer or music writer in New Jersey scratching his or her head. But that goes along with one of my famous mottos: A watched succulent never blooms.

I performed a search for the Tacoma area, and revealed quite a few gems. The following is a list of places I'd like to park my couch and give my fictional rock band instant recognition in the music community:

Trellis Pointe
Violent Meadows (I added a "n")
The Maples
The Harbor Club
Steeplechase
Willow Springs
The Reserve
Meat & Sausage Company (this was a sign I saw on a bus ride through Tacoma; not actual dwelling)
Wood Song
Hunt Mottet (Lofts)

And, without further adieu, I introduce to you the worst name I've come across. It's so unoriginal I threw up a little in my mouth when my eyes came upon it. I'm supposed to be reminded of a posh, expensive casino in Las Vegas or an extravagant villa in Italy. Instead, it comes off as...well, pathetic. Trying too hard. Or too little...one of the two.

VILLAGIO.

Not quite as bad as "The Coven" in Kirkland, Washington (near where I grew up), but certainly not as fun. At "The Coven," I can at least imagine I live next door to a family of vampires. In "Villagio," I am bound to believe that everything around me has been prefabricated, or it's been recycled and put into cheap packaging. Every moment is a sham and a rip-off. The only thing that could drive me farther away from creative thought is more Ikea furniture.

That's how strongly I feel about this building.

Guide For Expectant Mothers

2009-07-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

Ladies, are you expecting a baby boy?

Will he be playing baseball in the 1930s?

If you answered yes to both these questions, here is a definitive list of names for your new child. Of course, consult your husband first. If the father-to-be absolutely hates the sight of laundry, then it's not a good idea to name your son "Clothespins Kelly."

1. Pottery Hands Jackson

2. Lumps Flaherty

3. Suitcase Murphy

4. Hopscotch Malone

5. Meatwagon McClendon

6. Rickets O'Reilly

7. Muppet Face McGillicuddy

8. Ol' Melonhead Wilson

9. Raccoon Boat Jones

Boy, Interrupted

2009-06-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

Once again, I will be on a little hiatus from blogging.

Due to the failure of my iBook to remain in the upright and "on" position.
After it crashed, I was able to turn it on a few days later. But then my power adapter broke.
So who knows what will happen to the great novels I have started? (I had written four pages of brilliant stuff and the documents sat on my desktop, unaware of my Mac's impending doom)

But it's summer. You're outside and enjoying life. Not reading my blog. Certainly not obsessing about the NBA Draft or MLB interleague play. Maybe you're at the new Transformers movie. Or you've taken up figure skating. You are doing something meaningful and life-affirming. But you are not reading my blog.

Well, you're probably looking at porn. With the shades drawn closed. Keeping out the sunlight and sounds of sprinklers. I am not judging you. You are entitled to your privacy and you can do whatever you want with your free time.
Just remember, the WNBA season has started.
Oh, were you not aware? No bother.

Get Plastered At Home, Help Troops Abroad

2009-06-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not too happy about having to pay $3.99 for a package of Swedish Fish at the Los Angeles International Airport.

But I'm more unhappy with a recent marketing effort by Jim Beam, Inc. As I was waiting for my United Airlines flight, I noticed a cardboard advertisement (outside the "L.A. Roadhouse" airport bar) urging me to make a "toast to the troops."
Below the Jim Beam logo and message was a large glass of fizzing cola...suggesting to travelers that by downing a "whiskey-and-coke," the most American of drinks, you are also helping the soldiers (who don't get to drink) establish the American ideals of democracy and freedom. The bourbon is not, for example, helping you deal with a traumatic divorce or forget about your mortgage payments. The bourbon is, however, bolstering the morale of our troops and providing them with what they need to keep fighting the good fight. But only if you buy the commemorative bottle with the star and stripes (pictured above).

I know, I know...leave it to me to burst the bubble of patriotic goodness. According to a press release, Jim Beam donated $175,000 this year to Operation Homefront - an organization that "provides emergency financial and morale assistance to troops, their families, and wounded warriors." Last year, the bourbon makers contributed $250,000, which included sales of the limited edition bottle. Moreover, the Jim Beam website states that "contribution to Operation Homefront is not based on the amount of product sold." So I guess I'm just a big Communist for complaining about this type of advertising.
But let's face it: If you get tipsy on Operation Homefront whiskey, you're supporting our men in camo. If you're throwing back a few of the regular Jim Beam label, you're just a drunk.

Whatever happened to rationing (circa World War II)?
Oh, that's right, we know longer understand the concept of saving or making personal sacrifices. So we'll just consume roughly the same amount of alcohol (and gasoline) as before, and hope the big scary war goes away...along with our other worries.

I'll have another, bartender.

Brief Blog Hiatus

2009-06-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Southern California tomorrow morning.

So that would be the best time to rob me. I have to warn you, however, that I have little in the way of valuables...except for a Tony Gwynn rookie card.

Here's a look at upcoming topics in my blog:

Guide for Expectant Mothers: What To Name Your 1930s Baseball Player or Union Boss

How To Choose A Band Name From Housing Developments

Ten Ways To Increase Restaurant Sales

Is The Amazon Really The Longest River in South America? (The Itata River In Chile Makes Its Case)

My Plan To Make The World A Better Place...And More Compact

Later, losers!

Sexpresso - Another Term Almost As Annoying As Staycation

2009-06-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

On my walk to and from the auto mechanic today, I noticed a coffee stand on Meridian Street in the South Hill area.
Well, actually the first thing I noticed was a bleached blond woman in a bikini. She was making a coffee drink. On my second time by the establishment, the blond had been replaced by a dark-haired woman. This latte vixen was leaning over the counter toward a man in an old hatchback, exposing her cleavage as much as possible.
The name of the stand is Hot Chick-A-Latte (clever, huh?) and it's not the only franchise in the Puget Sound that takes advantage of horny men. Cowgirls Espresso adheres to the motto "Forget what you think a barista's supposed to look like." This post-modernist philosophy has produced a semi-structured schedule* to allure customers:

Military Monday
Cowgirls Tuesday
Bikini Wednesday
School Girl Thursday (shouldn't they be in class on Thursdays? it's very naughty to miss first period Social Studies)
Fantasy Friday (will there be elves and fairies? or will there be dirty cops? probably a little too much information regarding my fantasies)

Bikini Bottom Espresso, another coffee stand chain (with locations in Tacoma, Lakewood, and Puyallup and not related to Spongebob Squarepants), promises "that our girls will leave you with a smile on your face and a tantalizing experience in your cup."

Now, I acknowledge that these sexy latte stands are providing healthy tips for industrious young women. But I would feel embarrassed to drive up and have to order a drink called a "Wet Dream." More to the point, it's now okay for me to stare at a woman's ass while she's working? This may be sending my brain the wrong message. Pretty soon, I'll be ogling a McDonald's employee's bosom while she's making my McFlurry. And next thing you know, I'm checking out the curves on the bus drivers, post office employees, and meter maids.
It's a slippery slope, my friend.
Think of the children.

But maybe some folks out there find the sound of steaming milk arousing. (Cssshshhhshshshhhshhh)
And to each his own.
(Cssshshhhshshshhhshhh)

*How about Slavery Saturdays and Satanic Sundays? I admit it would be a little harder to time shots perfectly with manacles on your wrists, or a trident in one hand.

Shot To Death By An Anarchist

2009-06-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

Some people forget about our nation's 25th president, William McKinley. We've come to know him as the guy who preceded Teddy Roosevelt. But the truth is, McKinley was a popular leader and beloved by Americans. So loved was he, that upon his assassination, that schools, streets and babies were named after him...and a very large mountain in Alaska (Denali). The spirit of memorializing him even spread to my hometown of Tacoma. Erected in 1901, the 25-acre East Park (near the I-5 corridor overlooking the Tacoma Dome) was renamed McKinley Park. Subsequently, the neighborhood south of the park was named McKinley.

I happened to be walking through this neighborhood the other day. I had stumbled up Pacific Avenue, and I took a left down E 34th St. past Stanley & Seafort's Steak, Chop and Fish House (perched atop the hill and visible from I-5). After crossing a second bridge, I came upon a residential area. The first house on my left had a yard with two pit bulls going at each other. They were unchained, and there was no fence. Luckily, the owner was there to supervise their actions. I felt a little threatened, but continued to walk at a steady pace. The houses in the area were neither delapidated nor well-maintained. I read somewhere that activists had fought to take their neighborhood back in the last decade. It had been overrun by drug dealers and prostitution. Residents felt unsafe at night and they've rallied together to reduce crime. Local businesses have improved their facades and McKinley Park is going to receive a city-sponsored makeover. Now the newly-coined "Upper Eastside" is a great place to buy an old house. It does afford some great views of the city and the bay. As long as the Dometop Neighborhood Alliance stays strong, the McKinley area could become a model for revitalizing other areas of Tacoma.

I think Wobbly Willie would be proud. And this is the guy who annexed the Phillipines, Puerto Rico, Guam and Hawaii in one week.*

*Not true. It actually took him an entire fortnight. But give him a break! He has a tariff act named after him.

Once Again. . . West Tacoma Keeps It Real

2009-06-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

My morning bus ride to the library included the following passengers:

(a) a teenage girl wearing a white hooded sweatshirt with spray-painted-style lettering that read: "2 CUTE 2 POSE 4 BITCH ASS HOES"

(b) a woman who was pushing an empty stroller

(c) a young man with a teardrop tattoo

The first two sightings are pretty normal, but teardrop tattoos are rare. I always assumed that teardrop tattoos meant the person had been in prison for a minimum of two years. While this is true 96.4% of the time, they usually symbolize the loss of a loved one. And get this - an empty tear means that your brother/friend has been killed OR you unsuccessfully tried to kill someone. Whereas a filled teardrop tattoo signifies that the loved has taken his/her life OR was killed, but not murdered.
If the teardrop has an empty top and a full bottom, it means the bearer has avenged the murder of a loved one. Which makes it the most badass of crying tattoos.

Keep in mind that you can get a teardrop tattoo if you killed someone while in prison OR if your BFF was killed while you're in prison. Totally different connotations - because you could be sending a message to other convicts not to mess with yo ass OR you could simply be mourning.
What eye do you pick? Depends on which crew you run with or what you think looks better.

(In Australia, teardrop tattoos were applied to accused child molesters - so an entirely different system altogether)

My Thoughts On The Elderly

2009-06-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

On Monday, the following three events occurred:

---A frail old woman refused to order a large print edition of a book. (Am I really supposed to believe that she has perfect vision? Will reading it with normal sized print really enhance the reading experience?)
---A middle-aged woman exhibited anger when she couldn't find the nutritional guide at Wendy's. (What is she doing at a Wendy's if she wants to eat healthy?)
---An elderly woman on the phone expressed disbelief that she couldn't request a book that won't be released for four months. (The public library does not own a time machine. We do carry the book by H.G. Wells.)

What is the common denominator here?
These people are all OLD* and ACTING IRRATIONALLY.

*Let's ignore for the time being that they are all women.

Elderly people of the United States, I ask you to stop being picky and start being reasonable. When you get up from your hospital/hospice beds each morning, you need to take a deep breath and realize that your brain is slowly deteriorating. Given the fact that your mind is not working as quickly as other people, you should take some extra time to ponder the consequences of your actions. How will paying for postage stamps with a large jar of pennies affect those around you (including the already disgruntled postal employee who probably has a gun holstered near his ankle)? Will arguing about an expired coupon with a grocery clerk benefit anybody (especially the person who is waiting patiently in line to buy a single pack of gum)?
We understand that you're lonely and possibly widowed and just want someone to hear your opinion (that's what pets are for) without rolling their eyes (although I've been told that lemurs and ferrets roll their eyes on occasion, so stick with dogs and cats). But you need to pull yourself together.

When you make a decision or speak your thoughts, think about what the 1951 Ronald Reagan would do (take an acting part in the movie "Bedtime for Bonzo" with a chimpanzee co-star). Do not take cues from the 1987 Ronald Reagan (deny the Iran Contra scandal and yell angrily like a crotchety old man at a block of cement, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!")

Dance Floor Annihilators

2009-05-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, the city of Leipzig, Germany hosted the Wave Gotik Treffen Festival. It is the largest festival for "gothic" or "dark culture," and features plenty of nonsensical bands that emote sadness and black eyeliner. I just had to share some of the bandnames on the schedule. I came up with some pretty bad bandnames in high school (like "Heroes in Time" and "Chaka Chaka Backpack"), but the following are either overdramatic or unoriginal or both. I feel so much pain and rejection just by reading them; the reason I'm not crying now is because I'm all out of tears. I welcome death into my arms like a crippled fawn. As Dieter from "Sprockets" would say, ""You disturb me to the point of insanity. There. I am insane now."

Theatre of Hate
Frozen Plasma
Illuminate
The Eternal Afflict
Draconian (good adjective, horrible name)
Die So Fluid
Scary Bitches
Whispers in the Shadow
My Dying Bride
Fang On Fur
Eyes of Eden
Icon of Coil
Amnistia (is this a nasal spray?)
Painbastard (huh?)
Inkubus Sukkubus
Solitary Experiments
Vomito Negro (pardon?)
Adoration

...and my favorite of the bunch is...
Cat Rapes Dog.

Remnants of Girl Groups

2009-05-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

I came across a great book title while searching Amazon the other day (yes, that's what library employees do all day). It's called "Let's Talk About Pep," by former Salt n' Pepa member Sandy Denton. Which got me to thinking...Besides Beyonce, what happens to the stars of girl music groups after they break up? For Sandy, it was an appearance on VH1's The Surreal Life, where washed-up celebrities go to give up their last remaining piece of dignity. Here are a few updates that I'm sure will enlighten you:

Sporty Spice - Melanie Chisholm, known as "Melanie C," has released four solo albums in the last decade and has established her own record company, Red Girl Records. In February, she was the last of the Spice Girls to have a baby. Though Melanie's singles have only taken off in the UK, she has been the most successful artist of the five Spices. A lot of staying power...like frankincense.

T-Boz - Tionne Watkins, formerly of TLC, can currently be seen in NBC's Celebrity Apprentice and is dating 49ers linebacker Takeo Spikes. Since her group dissolved, she has only recorded two solo singles, which appeared on the soundtracks of "Fled" and "Rugrats In Paris." T-Boz has put a lot of her energy into running a children's boutique called Chase's Closet (which has one of the most repulsive myspace pages I've ever seen). But heads up - there is talk of a TLC movie and a solo album that has been in the works for two years.

Susanna Hoffs - The hot lead singer of the Bangles (which has reunited since their bad breakup in the 1989) put out a couple solo records in 1991 and 1996 and mustered one forgettable Top 40 Hit. Susanna married film director Jay Roach (Austin Powers, Meet the Parents) in 1993. In the last few years, she's partnered with rocker Matthew Sweet to produce two volumes of classic rock covers. Important note: Susanna's got a Renee Russo thing going on - still gorgeous at fifty years old! I will most certainly lay down on the side of your bed.

And if you're wondering what happened to t.A.T.u., they're still technically together. Though their fake lesbianism is not promoted as much anymore.

Overheard Conversation

2009-05-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

While looking for a book on the shelves this afternoon, I happened to pick up on this chat between two (female) teenagers in the library.

"My friend told me you only have to be sixteen to work at Hooters...I'd like to work there, but I don't think my mom would like it."

This is NOT TRUE. According to Hooters.com:
You must be at least 17 years old for hourly employment opportunities with Hooters of America, Inc. and at least 18 or 21 for the Hooters Girl position depending on local alcohol service laws.
Also noted on the website:
There is no set requirement in order to be a nearly World Famous Hooters Girl! We look for the All-American Cheerleader / Surfer-Girl-Next-Door image to fill our restaurants. In other words...Very bubbly, outgoing personalities!

So there are no requirements except that you look like a cheerleader or surfer girl. I would think that hula-hooping ability might affect your prospects, though. And there are plenty of suggestions for Hooter girls such as:

-Never come to work with wet hair!
-Don't forget to wear blush! Doing so will leave you looking lifeless!
-Drink lots of water and eat lots of fruit and vegetables [pertaining to skin care].
-Always make sure to resist makeup trends that make you appear gaudy. Hooters girls have an appropriate image to maintain.
-Engage in an exercise routine at least three times a week to increase your metabolism, overall health, and on-the-job stamina [to stop you from getting fat].

What surprised me the most is that there are female employees that don't wear the white tanktops and tight orange shorts (above).

It's Time You Know Who I Am - A Major Player In The Dining Scene

2009-05-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I can't tell you how much my life has changed in the last week.
Ever since I was featured in a short article about local eateries in the Weekly Volcano, things have been a lot different. Suddenly, I'm getting offers from the Albuquerque Weekly Alibi and the Vicksburg Post. Neither paper has promised any compensation, but they've said that if I show the same kind of energy I did while enjoying an amber beer and BLT (like above), I could really go places.

Maybe a few pics of me enjoying a chicken basket at Shoney's or sipping a vanilla shake at Mannie's Restaurant, and who knows what could happen? I could even make it to the dailies!

When writer/photographer Steve Dunkelberger approached me about a candid shot, I had no idea this would propel me to stardom. I was just enjoying a Saturday evening with friends. It just goes to show: If you put yourself out there, it's only a matter of time before someone realizes your potential as a youthful diner.

I've been talking to my agent and he thinks it's time for me to take my career to a new level. We're discussing a move to a bigger market like Bakersfield or Tulsa. I will never forget Tacoma and how I got my start. But I've got to start thinking about my future.
So far, I've been fortunate. Didn't even think about what I was wearing or ordering that day. Guess I'm a natural.

American Backpackers' Moments of Despair

2009-05-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, a friend of mine posted the following as her Facebook status:
"I ate ramen alone in my last night in London."

It's the sort of statement that is supposed to induce feelings of pity. But in reality, there was no inclination to say, "There, there. Sorry about your day, but it will be alright." In fact, I was thinking, "This is ridiculous. You shouldn't be complaining about one lonely meal. You're traveling for two weeks in Europe...while I'm stuck in rainy Tacoma trudging to work every day. Deal with it."
But then I took another step back.
I shouldn't judge. It's not like I've never complained. Even when things are going especially peachy, there's always something negative to point out. What's ridiculous part is how Americans (myself included) feel entitled to certain luxuries and conditions. We take a lot for granted, and we're gotten used to indulging ourselves whenever it strikes us. And more often than acknowledging how privileged we are, we talk about what's wrong.
Like "I can't believe how slow this printer is" (without thinking about the state of computer printer technology 15 years ago or that our main concern is waiting a few more seconds).

Along that vein of thought, here are some imagined Facebook updates from American travelers (although I don't think they're too separated from reality):

The tapas are a hell of a lot better in Seville.

This is the smelliest karaoke room in all of Osaka.

Lost my copy of "The Fountainhead" in Guatemala City.

Sumatran blend straight from the source and no fucking soy milk.

After reading "Angels and Demons," I was expecting more from the Vatican.

Vegemite breakfast? No thank you. Not going to cure this hangover.

Got in a fight with my roommate this morning in Marseilles. He says the "Transporter 3" was filmed here. Yeah right.

Had it up to here with Dar Es Salaam. Adopting a baby is a pain in the ass.

Precious Finds

2009-05-21T22:00:00.001-07:00

Just getting home from the library, and thought I'd share some quick thoughts on some items that caught my attention.

Best book title: Someday this pain will be useful to you (by Peter Cameron)
Worst book title: The Explosionist (by Jenny Davidson)

Best book description: The human body is beautiful and mysterious. The mysterious part reeks of cheese. But no part of your body is as scary and horrifying as your head! With such amazing information as: #1 Good Reasons for teeth removal: dentist did it; peer pressure; not sharp enough; found better teeth, like, on the ground; suspected of enjoying flossing; decay and mouth politics. #2 The real reason your ears can't hear your pets talking. The answer is simple: your pet is a mumbler. (From "Your disgusting head: The darkest, most offensive and moist secrets of your ears, mouth and nose" - the Haggis-on-Whey world of unbelievable brilliance series)
Worst book description: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...except when it doesn't. (from Kitty Raises Hell by Carrie Vaughn - online book summary is different than the book's back cover; someone must have caught on to how stupid that sounded)

Saturday Night's Events

2009-05-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

If you look at the previous post on this blog, you'll notice I had circled a few bars to attend last weekend.

Let's just say we made it to four of them, and I'm glad the pictures are not posted anywhere. Yet.

The events can be summed up in this fashion:

Getting pictures taken by a creepy Weekly Volcano photographer (coping mechanism: talk about dead hookers)
Pretend make-out session between men
Stranger drinking our beer (and promising to take me to Portland)
Wrapping trash around body and wearing it like clothing
Running around imaginary bases at a ball field (max speed)
Unsuccessful jump over a road barrier (causing external bleeding)
Inappropriate behavior toward a lion statue (the lion's sex was determined to be male)
Imaginary motor-boating
Insulting the city of Tacoma during a karaoke song
Trying to steal alcohol behind the bar while a fight ensued

I'm not proud of what happened. And it's all a little fuzzy. And I have a strange bruise.

For My Personal Reference

2009-05-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

All I'm doing here is forming a list of bars and drinkeries in the Tacoma area. In preparation of a 'night out' with the old school Seattle homies (98103!! where u at?!). These are the potential targets for grabbing food, and then copious beverages:

#1 Engine House No. 9
611 Pine St. (and 6th Ave.) 98406
-spacious, brews its own ale, located in historic building (1907)

#2 Red Hot
2914 6th Ave. 98406
-beers, hot dogs, weekday specials

#3 Crown Bar
2705 6th Ave. 98406
-good happy hour and menu, fully-stocked bar

#4 O'Malley's
2403 6th Ave. 98406
-dive bar, $1 PBR Mondays, pool, mostly beer?

#5 Puget Sound Pizza
317 South 7th Ave. 98402
-karaoke, delicious pizza

#6 Parkway Tavern
313 N I St. #1 98403
-cozy Stadium District watering hole, great beer prices

This isn't all of 'em, but a good start. 6 pm to 2 am...and you don't stop.

My New Knives

2009-05-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

There was a huge sale at Gottschalk's this past week. Everything was 50% to 80% off. Everything including the mannequins, a Levi's 501 Jeans neon sign, lighted tables, and other department store display items. The mid-tier department chain is currently liquidating, and that means plenty of bargains for consumers.
I bought a few pairs of pants, a dish rack, and a set of knives. Regularly priced at $40, the set of four Farberware knives and storage block was discounted 50%. They looked a little cheap, but I didn't think I could find a better deal. And the lifetime warranty on the back says, "This fine product is warranted to be free from defects in material and workmanship." I'll take your word, Farberware. Your company has been in business for 100 years and you're responsible for such innovations as the "Coffee Robot" and the "Broiler Robot." Sadly, it is not this type of robot. Just your run-of-the-mill coffee maker.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh, yeah. I'm no longer limited to one sharp knife in my kitchen.
How do I get the most out of my cutlery? And what is each knife used for? The 5" Chef Knife is obviously for heavy duty chopping.
Then there's the santoku knife and santoku parer. The 5" santoku knife is a narrow-bladed cleaver, and it's apparently ideal for slicing cheese, tomatoes, and uncooked boneless poultry and meats. It is also used for chopping and dicing onions and other vegetables. Note that it should be used with a sawing motion, not a rocking motion. The 3.5" santoku parer, on the other hand, is used for cutting smaller food items. I'm only guessing this. But I would assume you go to this knife when the other knives are dirty.
Finally, the 5" serrated utility knife. It's used for cutting smaller breads, rolls, fruits and vegetables with tough skin.
So which is the best knife to use in a fight? I'm going to pick the parer, because it's the easiest to conceal in your prison jumpsuit.

The most important part about this learning experience?
I now know how to mince garlic.

That's A Good Question...

2009-05-10T19:01:00.000-07:00

One of the challenges of my job in a public library is answering unexpected questions. Here are some difficult inquiries presented to me by patrons...and yes, there are times when even I don't know the answer.

1. I'm trying to find a book for a Ukrainian who is learning English.
All I could find was a Ukrainian-English dictionary on Amazon. There has to be a book somewhere that caters to Ukranian immigrants, but I couldn't find it.
2. I need to say something in church next week when it's time for tithes and offerings. Do you have any guides on this?
I could point her to prayer books in the 240s. But nothing specifically on how to lead church services. A church library or Christian bookstore would probably have better resources for this information need. Luckily, the woman found some sort of inspiration during our conversation (a moment of revelation through the Holy Spirit!!) and decided she no longer needed a book.
3. I would like to find out the salary of an employee of a non-profit organization. This is public information, right?
I overheard this inquiry, and I'm glad I didn't have to search for this. However, it was revealed by a co-worker that not all salaries of non-profit employees are disclosed.
4. I want a book with a good plot (from an eleven year-old).
I did answer this question successfully, after a series of other questions. She was requesting "The Clique" by Lisi Harrison, so I recommended "How To Be Popular" by Meg Cabot. Same genre (chick lit) and same reading level (young adult) = happy child. I've never read any YA chick lit, so this was an educated guess. Well, I guess "Twilight" fits in this genre.
5. My wife is in the hospital and she needs something to read.
It was clear during our conversation that the husband didn't know what kind of literature his wife liked. But we settled on a few romance books from the new paperback display.

Strange Library DVDs I've seen (garbage and obscure):
Chair Aerobics For Everyone: Chair Salsa!!
Beer For My Horses (starring Toby Keith)
Alien Invasion: Arizona
Potty Power
Tremors 4

Italian Disneyland

2009-05-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

I learned recently that I'm going to Italy this fall for a relative's wedding.
I'll be spending time with family in the beautiful Lake Como area, with a few days in Milan. When I picked up the book "Eyewitness Travel Guide: Milan & The Lakes," I expected to read about all of the basilicas, art galleries, restaurants, shopping centers, etc. What surprised me is that there is a theme park in northern Italy called "Gardaland," which opened in 1975 and has a dragon mascot (Prezzemolo) instead of a mouse. I won't be making it there on my trip, but there are many reasons to go...which I will mention...and by no circumstances will I make fun of website's English translations. That's just culturally insensitive.

#1 Palablu: Italy's largest dolphin pool. Enough said.
#2 Space Vertigo: I'm not sure why the travel guide and website differ on the reason for falling 40 meters from a tower (reacting to a bacteriological alarm in the space station or to escape an alien invasion), but it's bound to get the adrenaline going!
#3 Blue Tornado: "Climb aboard the Blue Tornado like the mythical Top Guns, and strike out on a thrilling mission [website]."
#4 Colorado Boat: "Let yourself be carried down the impetuous Colorado River waterfalls, aboard a floating trunk [website]." The impetuousness of the rapids will cause a nervous excitation, whereupon the rider will gasp and shutter, and be jostled to and fro. My word! What a remarkable means of conveyance!
#5 Fantasy Kingdom: "Children will love this! The talking trees, singing animals and puppet show will keep them entertained for hours [travel guide]." In fact, you can just leave your kids there for a period of days while you are drinking chianti at the Pizzeria Saloon and enjoying the western and magic shows. The trees have excellent sleeping hollows for the children; their branches provide essential nutrients, and they tell stories that will slowly erase all previous memories. Word of caution: Never mention the Colorado Boat trunks!!!
#6 Baby Magic Club: I'm not making this name up.
#7 Funny Express: "The funniest train in the world is ready for departure from Fantasy Kingdom station [website]." When you stop laughing, you know the ride is over.
#8 Saltomotto: "Breathless emotions for "courageous" tots [website]." Courageous is in quotations marks, because children are weak and cowardly. But why mock them directly?
#9 Dinosaur Island: "On a remote island - and without human interference - dinosaurs have continued to exist. You can join an expedition to study and help save them [travel guide]." You should be concerned first and foremost with the preservation of prehistoric reptiles. Then you might want to stop them from devouring your children. (Exhibit not mentioned on website - possibly extinct? (sorry, bad pun))
#10 Time Voyagers: "Dash into the high canyons and gloomy meanders of a world that is still uncharted. The abyss swallows you up and only an alien life can come to your rescue [website]."

To explore the park yourself, consult this map. I genuinely think the Mammut roller coaster looks pretty fun. It's based on the following premise: Soviet scientists coming across a frozen woolly mammoth that appears to be alive - this somehow translates to a thrill-packed ride. I guess you're running away from the Mammut?

Homework assignment: What is the difference between a church and a basilica? Is it somewhat like the comparison between a man-made lake and reservoir?

Hit It On The Screws

2009-05-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a book called "Watching Baseball Smarter: A Professional Fan's Guide for Beginners, Semi-experts and Deeply Serious Geeks" (by Zack Hample). I guess I'm in one of the last two categories of baseball fans. It has a great overview of pitching, batting, fielding, and managerial strategies, as well as interesting information on stadiums, awards, and umpires (which reminds me, there's a book that just came out called "As They See 'Em" (by Bruce Weber) about officiating crews in the majors). I really appreciate the glossary in the back, because it reminds me of my favorite baseball terms. Here's a nice selection of lingo (as excerpted from the book):

golden sombrero: the dubious distinction of striking out four times in one game
$8 taxi ride: a very long home run
worm-burner: a ground ball that takes many small bounces (how I also describe some of my golf shots)
Punch 'n' Judy: a hitter with little power
aspirin tablet: a pitch thrown so fast that the ball looks like a little white speck
Baltimore Chop: a batted ball that hits home plate (or the hard dirt near it) and bounces so high that the fielders don't have time to make a play
on the interstate: batting below .200 (I-95, for example, looks like .195)
Lord Charles: a dominant curveball
human rain delay: a player who takes a long time to get ready between pitches

Items Of Interest

2009-05-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

I come across so many questionable books and DVDs in my line of work. I feel it's my responsibility to share with you what items eat up a small percentage of Pierce County's property taxes. To be fair, most of these library titles are circulated quite frequently. So it's not like they don't get around, but they're still ridiculous:

Animal 2 [DVD]: Signals the official end of Ving Rhames' acting career.
Summary: James 'Animal' Allen is serving a life sentence for murder at Folsom Prison, taking the rap for his eldest son. After a brutal prison riot between the Mexicans and the Blacks he is transferred to Susanville Prison, where he previously served 15 years. On the outside, Animal's son, James Jr., has been franced for murder and is facing serious jail time. To help his son, Animal has no choice but to return to his violent past as a money fighter.

Fighting With Anger [DVD]: Willie Nelson in a lead acting role!!! Also he plays a hit man (I assume not very convincingly).
Summary: Ray is a young, beautiful and deadly assassin looking for answers about her past. Will is her aging mentor who assigns her to a series of new jobs and may know more about her than he is letting on. When the job goes bad and an innocent woman is killed, Ray is faced with the pain of her past and a new nemesis that emerges from the shadows.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Vampire [Paperback]: The cover features a woman in a revealing red teddy sitting seductively on a bed with red satin sheets. She appears to be waiting for a bat to come to her window. I'm not sure this has anything to do with Christ's birth.
Opening Excerpt: The air hummed with bass guitar and rampant lust. He'd come to the right place. Ian MacPhie strode across the renovated warehouse, his steps falling into rhythm with the pounding drums. The Horny Devils was the best place he could think of for finding a woman. The nightclub was teeming with them. All lovely and all Vamps.

Let's Elope! [Book]: Doesn't this guide take away the spontaneity of elopement? I thought the whole point is that you're not planning a wedding.
Summary: Eloping is the hot new trend in weddings, and this handbook is filled with creative ideas for couples to exchange their vows in a memorable, personal way that won't cost them a fortune.

The Gold Coast Cure: The 5-Week Health and Body Makeover A Lifestyle Plan to Shed Pounds, Gain Health and Reverse 10 Diseases [Book]: It's a lot like the South Beach Diet, but it's a little bit farther north, where they really know what they're doing.
Summary: Finally, the diet that slims and tones and also heals the immune system and prevents degenerative diseases! It's rare that a diet book comes along that matters. Not one that just helps you fit into your jeans but also changes your life.

Yes, finally! A rare diet book indeed.

No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom

2009-04-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

At the library, I see a lot of books, tapes, cds and playaways that teach Spanish, Greek, German, Russian, etc. But I have seen nothing that instructs Americans how to speak British. Seems like that might be a preferred skill in today's global market. Let's say I'm a paper clip salesman in Chicago and I have a client in Manchester. How can I even begin to relate to these "blokes" across the ocean? True, I do have some English heritage, but my family's been removed from the motherland for over 200 years. How do I learn to communicate with Union Jack?

I'll tell you how. You pay attention to the ESPN Gamecasts of soccer games, reported by on-the-scene British reporters.
Yesterday, I was watching the online commentary of the Chelsea-Barcelona Champions League game...and I learned all kinds of new vocabulary. Here are some precious snippets:

29th minute: Ballack clatters Henry and is booked following the collision of egos.
36th minute: Some argy-bargy going on between Alves and Drogba.
38th minute: Alves and Malouda are also arguing with each other. The stroppiness might make this a little more interesting.
78th minute: Drogba is writhing following a tackle from Puyol. If it were still the 80s, he could have a second career as a body-popper.

You have just added four new words to your British vocabulary! To review, they are:
- clatter, argy-bargy, stroppiness, body-popper

Keep studying up! If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!

Increasing My Blogging Productivity

2009-04-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

Turns out that the blog honeymoon is over. I've really dropped off the blogging map in recent weeks. But I'm determined to contribute more of my limitless knowledge to the interwebs. The problem is consistency. It's difficult to make time or to find motivation for composition. Actually that's a pattern I've noticed in all areas of my life. But I digress - a blog isn't meant for self-psychoanalysis. A blog's purpose is to provide in-depth insights to matters that cannot be appropiately covered by mainstream periodicals or journalists. These areas of interest may include sandwiches, sports figures, underwater cities, my neighor's horrible musical tastes (sounds like Hillary Duff mixed with the sound of water running and a cat using a litter box - turns out my neighbor does indeed use a sink and has a cat, but looks nothing like Hillary Duff), and methods of ketchup stain removal (not excluding fire).
In order to increase my production of original, mind-expanding content, I've made a list of lifestyle changes that will encourage me to write more often:

- Stop working so much (some weeks I work as much as 32 hours, leaving me little opportunity to stop and smell the roses and then report back on these dangerous odors)
- Stop exercising (more explicitly, I should never leave my computer chair)
- Drink a little more often (all great writers were alcoholics, thus the origin of the term "typing buzz"; the "writer's high" is attributed to use of other substances, but I'm going to stick with booze)
- Limit myself to one viewing of "Dragon Wars" per day
- Stop paying attention to the NBA (I've already given up watching professional basketball, but I haven't totally halted my rigorous study of player's tattoos, like those of Denver Nugget Chris Andersen, who has a map of dry land inked on his back like that little girl from "Waterworld")
- More consumption of 5-hour Energy drink (as promoted by NFL stars Braylon Edwards and Osi Umenyiora and NASCAR pro Rusty Wallace - if they can use it to stay awake, why can't I?)
- Limit my reading to Facebook profile updates (novels are time-consuming and made up, whereas what's going on with my FB "friends" is exciting, real and provocative)
- Put myself in exotic locales where I can make astute observations on people and culture (like an embedded reporter, except that I'll be in an ethnic restaurant instead of a war-torn country)
- Stay informed on current events with Fox News (while still being patriotic), so that my blog posts are relevant and educated
- Periodically just post a combination of Twitter messages, rather than think up something

(Note: If you look closely enough, you can see my blog in the top right corner of the blogosphere image)

Mariner Moose, You Are The Father!

2009-04-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

At Sunday's Tacoma Rainiers baseball game (Mariners' Triple A affiliate), I couldn't help but notice how similar the team mascot looks to its parent team's mascot. Rhubarb claims to be a reindeer, but the hair color and antlers are obviously derivative of the Mariner Moose. It makes me wonder how many mascots have been sired by other mascots.

We can safely put the Georgia Bulldog, the Gonzaga Bulldog and Butler Bulldog in the same family. Maybe even the Georgetown Hoya. Likewise, we know the UCLA Bruin and the Cornell Big Red Bear share the same blood.

Then there's Xavier's Blue Blob and Western Kentucky's Hilltopper (shown above). Different colors, but same shape. I don't think it's a stretch to include Wally the Green Monster as a relative. Just because he's taken to wearing baseball clothes does not mean he isn't an amorphous blob like his cousins. And if we're talking about green muppets, why not speculate on the origins of Southpaw (White Sox) and the Philly Phanatic? Given the Phanatic's feathery appearance and age, we can assume that he's, in fact, related to Big Bird and he fathered the belated Duncan (New Jersey Nets).

By far, the mascot with the most curious genealogy is Youppi!
So much research to be done in this area...Not to mention the fact that Acme Mascots may be genetically engineering these muppets for maximum entertainment.

Chip Niche

2009-04-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday, while I was working at the library, a middle-aged Korean woman told me that I'm a very handsome man.
And it got me to thinking...Maybe it's all these Doritos I've been eating.
They have so many varieties and each type has different health benefits. About a week ago, I had "Spicy Sweet Chili" Doritos. I've been told this has the same nutritional value as a bowl of chili.
Today, I enjoyed a bag of "Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Popper Doritos." Okay, they were mediocre, but I was surprised that I was able to eat them in the middle of the day. The convenience store on the corner makes them available 24 hours, contrary to the label. There is also "Late Night Tacos at Midnight Doritos," which should be at least applauded for rhyming (how many words can you think of that rhyme with "night" besides "midnight?" I sure can't come with any). I hope they taste like carne asada, because that's what I expect from Frito-Lay.
I'm not the first person to honor Doritos. It shouldn't be a surprise that he beat me to it:

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Peabody Credit

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

NASA Name Contest

What new flavors can we expect from Doritos in the future? Here are a few ideas:
1. Green Tea Torque
2. Loads n' Loads n' Loads of Chipotle
3. Startlin' Soy Sauce
4. American Cheddar (in support of our troops)
5. Collisions: Sweet Ginger/Paprika Pow!der
6. Crab Leg Onion
7. Jamaican Jerk
8. Thousand Island
9. Flamin' Fondue
10. Mountainous Mushroom

Turkish Hooligans!!!

2009-04-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, the two Turkish football teams Galatasary and Fenerbache square off in Istanbul. The fans of both teams are known for being violent toward each other. They throw stones, chairs, flares (basically anything they can get their hands on) and they're not against using knives or lead pipes. Here's an interesting piece by a British reporter on the heated rivalry that occurs in the stands and on the streets.

Makes you appreciate the slow pace of an afternoon baseball game and the relaxed atmosphere of the ballpark. Sure, most people are more interested in chatting over beer or buying cotton candy than paying attention to the pitch sequence or a defensive shift in the outfield. But at least they're not throwing a bottle or kitchen sink at other spectators.
Why don't Turkish fans react the same way over basketball? Harder to smuggle blunt weapons into an arena? Or are they less excited about hoops now that Hedo Turkoglu and Mehmet Okur have left the country?
(Thanks to dirtytackle.net for turning me on to this video)

Too Far Busy

2009-04-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

...to be coming up with original observations and creative thoughts. I've been going through a drought in blogging. So instead of forcing myself to write, I'll just let other blogs do my job, and I'll post a picture of my mother's new dog. It's a Labradoodle named Karma ("Good Karma!! Bad Karma!!" Get it?).

The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament is coming to an end, and the final game (currently being played) is not at all entertaining. North Carolina has a fifteen point lead that probably won't shrink. Far more exciting is the Final Game in the "Go Fug Yourself" Fug Madness Tournament. Looks like Aubrey O'Day will take home the crown as the ugliest dresser in the public eye, but she leads by a slim margin over Tilda Swinton. You can be the judge.

In other news, megachurch pastor Joel Osteen (known for his bestselling books "Your Best Life Now" and "Becoming a Better You," in which he has integrated capitalism with Christianity) is coming to Yankee Stadium on April 25. In "The Night of Hope," he will christen the new ballpark and try to spread his message of prosperity to Bronx. Maybe it will be more inspirational that the Bombers' opening game loss in Baltimore and it's only $15 per person. I don't think Bud Light will be served.

In case you were wondering, here are the top ten hipster beers. If you live in Seattle or Portland, you should know what's Number 1.

Finally, as I listen to the boring answers provided by Tarheel basketball players in the post-game interviews, I thought we should review the biggest sports cliches. Maybe it's the sports reporters' fault for asking stupid questions, such as:
"What does it mean to achieve this?"
"How does it feel to win the championship?"
"What's it like to finish your college career like this?"

Just remember: The team that wants it more will always win.